Infrequently updated consistently funny

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Sometimes a song expresses everything you feel!

You might not know this about me but when depressed I cook. Many peeps just eat (lots of store bought junk) I however will eat the store bought junk and will add my own cooked meals to it. So to add to the fact that I am already having a horrible week, a friend and I just had a spat/tiff/fight what ever the hell you call these things nowadays when neither person talks to the other in person and the whole thing plays out over the internet.

So it’s a whatever situation: I will be heading to the supermarket right after class to purchase a pork roast but that sumbitch will not be roasted instead I am going to slather it with jerk seasoning and slow grill it for about 2 hours at that point I should be having the best pork on the west coast.

Never fall in love with a woman that hates you (no that is not the depressing thing in my life, it does not help but it is not the thing), you can only get hurt.

Suicide is such a pussy way to go out…yet sometimes one just wish’s to be rid of it all; but only for awhile. Yes I know I called peeps who commit suicide pussies, and yes I really believe that; sorry if you lost a family member or someone to suicide I have too and now all I can think of them with is disdain for that act. The rest of their memory I will honor that final act I cannot view with anything but disdain tinged with pity.

What I am currently listening to (lovely lyrics don’t you think?)
“When I get dusted, I like to spread the blood like mustardTrust it, my hardcore rain leaves you rustedMove over lucifer, I’m more ruthless, huhLeave your toothless, you’ll kibbitz, I’ll flip itTears don’t affect me, I hit ’em with the tech gDisrespect me - my potency is deadlyI’m shootin babies, no ifs ands or maybesHit mummy in the tummy if the hooker plays a dummySlit the wrist of little sisAfter she sucked the dick, I stabbed her brother with the icepickBecause he wanted me to fuck him from the backBut smalls don’t get down like thatGot your father hidin in a room; fucked him with the broomSlit him down the back and threw salt in the woundWho you think you’re dealin with? Anybody step into my path is fuckin feelin it!Hardcore, I got it sucked like a pussyStab ya til you’re gushy, so please don’t push.. meI’m using rubbers so they won’t trace the semenThe black demon, got the little hookers screaminBecause you know I love it young, fresh and greenWith no hair in between, know what I mean?”
----‘Dead Wrong’ Notorious B.I.G.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Life sucks...but then you have to suck it up!

If you truly know me, you know that I do not cry…yet for the first time in years I nearly broke down. I do not suffer from depression…but I thought about crawling into a hole and hiding. It is just amazing when things just seem to all crash down on you at once. I almost feel like taking another week of and this time not to go to Texas just to stay home, just to chill: no work, no school and definitely no interaction with anyone. I almost bought a last minute ticket to Jamaica…then realized that my parents might quite honestly not let me in the home!

But you know what (warning cliché time) where there’s life there’s hope; As long as I am alive I will thrive; and finally God will see me through anything. Thus I have shrugged of the doldrums and will hold my head high!

This is sick!

OH MY GOD!

What's that smell?

So here is what is called Irony. I am sitting in class starving, right after the BLSA soul food fair that I cooked at. ‘Why?’ you might ask. Well I didn’t keep track of the time so I never got a chance to eat; the event was a success (thanks to all that came out and supported – I hope the chicken was good); and finally the main reason is – Despite the fact that I brought a spare shirt and have changed into it and washed my arms all the way up to the biceps and washed my face and head: I STILL BLOODY SMELL LIKE A BBQ and the best type of BBQ, jerk chicken at that! The young ladies sitting in front of me said that I am making them hungry. So a quick apology to anyone who will be in my classes with me until I get a chance to go home and get a quick shower and a 3rd change of clothes this smell will have to linger.
--I feel like Pig Pen from Peanuts!

Monday, March 27, 2006

The Cali-J will be the chef 2morrow

So mi ketch fraid…I am doing jerk chicken for the BLSA event tomorrow. Unfortunately I could not find Jerk Seasoning anywhere in San Diego (way to shed that label of being a white-bread town) so I had to make my own with all fresh ingredients. Now I am damn nervous that I will A. Bun di chicken, B. Have a seasoning that is too hot for peeps to handle, C. have a seasoning that cannot penetrate the chicken, D. just all in all mess it up. It’s weird I cook all the time for peeps and now all of a sudden I am severely insecure…why? Cooking enough for 30-40 should not be any harder than cooking for 15 but something tells me that the fact that the grill will be at school and I made my own seasoning makes me feel extra vulnerable!

Anyway the event is 11.30-1.30pm back patio of the writs.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

For my Flavor of Love peeps

They broke up!

Some links I enjoyed reading...

For most the first paragraph tells you all you need to know!

I figured I would throw one in for my employment law peeps and other legal folks

What a sucky way to go. Why run?

I cannot believe she got off scotch free there is such a damn double standard
By the way I wondered initially how peeps found out about the sex – but then let’s be honest if you are a teen age boy tapping your hottie teacher you are telling EVERYBODY!

True cost of religious freedom?

And yet The Crocodile hunter some how still lives

Seems every month there is a German mutilation story
You gave him directions in your daughter’s stolen car! http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2006/03/09/national/a164024S30.DTL&type=bondage

War on Terrorism has gone too far!

Oh man you are such an idiot – now you got LIFE in PRISON for a Kiss sucker!

When you are this dumb I hope You NEVER get out of jail

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Another reason why I prefer Cal over Stanford

Like everyone not from that damn school I HATE THE STANFORD TREE. Scroll through and you will see why every time that mascot shows up at other schools it infuriates fans. I remember once trying to lean over the stadium walls at UT to try and deck the tree – apparently cops do not like that! What the hell is wrong with the Stanford tree how do you constantly get ejected from games?


I have this on DVR and just keep watching the fall over and over again.

A mascot I like

Monday, March 20, 2006

Random musings...

- Why is my refrigerator’s Brand name ‘Hotpoint’?
- Do I only watch all these UPN comedies because I am black?
- Why am I still so addicted to the shop at home network? I never buy anything – I think 99.5% of the stuff on the network is ugly and the other 0.5% is over priced. Occasionally I see things on there and go “DAMN 6 watches for $100, I should definitely get that, wait a minute what the hell brand is Miscoggie?”
- Why the hell do I love her?
- Why the hell do I suddenly have the urge to watch movie after movie? Shouldn’t the $10.50 a pop eliminate that desire?
- Why can I not stop eating sushi? I mean come on ordering sushi in Mexico was just plain crazy and risky: Assassin that was probably riskier than riding the ATV’s with no protective gear whatsoever!
- Why after all my rants about MTV am I now watching the Gauntlet II?
- Seriously what the hell am I now watching on UPN?
- This is sad but why do I now miss ‘Flavor of Love’?
- Why do I have hope for ‘The New Adventures of Old Christine’? Someone from Seinfeld must be able to support a comedy.
- How comes I have not died from these pills yet?
- How is it that no matter how they look and how many pairs I have seen, I am still FASCINATED by boobs?
- Do professors truly believe that scheduling a mid term right after Spring Break is beneficial to students?
- Do marriages created through E-harmony really last? Every time I see our west law rep in the ad I have to pause the DVR and watch it
- When did the switch occur – is it because I am older? I suddenly watch a tonne of CBS programming and not a single program on NBC…this happened before ‘Joey’ though I am sure for others that would cause a switch.
- What possessed me to leave the island?
- Did skittles really think that an ad featuring a beard eating candy was a good campaign?
- Do I really love her?

Hmm interesting way to earn money!

It is not often that I blog a legal issue but I thought that this story would be intriguing to anyone interested in patent law!

Saturday, March 18, 2006

He's BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Safe arrival from Mexico; it was a crazy trip and it led right into a crazy convo with a friend that should never have happened (and we need to revisit that – I am tired of us having stilted conversations on the phone) and then to some serious fun on St Paddy’s night. Ah the joys of cute women and green beer.

So since Enterprise made me take out both Mexican and US insurance on the damn rental car at the cost of almost $40 a day, it is impossible for me to resist taking crazy chances with the car. I have always wanted to do doughnuts in the law school parking lot but never wanted to shred my own tires but now at full liability insurance there was nothing to stop me and let me tell you IT WAS BLOODY FUN! I also always wondered how fast I could go in the parking lot the answer is really, really fast – hell I even made my self dizzy by pulling tight circles in the lot. Almost worth the over priced insurance!

Driving in Mexico is not as bad as peeps claim in fact it was so easy that S – Assassin and I even rented ATVs and took them both on and off road – more on that later: ‘What happened in Mexico…never happened’ unless it’s safe to talk about and then “Hell yeah I was in Mexico!”

A Picture Share!

Happy saint patricks day!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Screw Toshiba and here I come Mexico!

So the cali-J still has his lappy because bloody Toshiba neglected to inform me on just how long it would take to get it back to me and I need to get exam soft – so off to check a new location before driving 250 miles into Mexico. On the plus side the car that I am renting to head into Mexico has been upgraded – peeps say I flirt a lot BUT, the ‘conversation’ that I had with the young lady on the phone allowed me to get our premium car for standard car prices! With 3 six footers sitting in the car I feel it’s best to ride in comfort.

So how pimp is this plan – a road trip in a nice car to an ocean front 2 bedroom condo for 4 days, possibly ending in a Vegas weekend! Life is good!

And if no one hears from me, by Sunday please contact the fam – I am probably in a Mexican jail!

Monday, March 13, 2006

Spring break to do list


  • Introduce the world of my readers to Papoose (NY based rapper – he will be blowing up this year…I have his single “Flashback” if you want to hear it and you can also see him on the Busta Rhymes remix to “Touch it”), though Saigon might be a better rapper!

  • Try to figure out why people dig that bloody over-rated Matisuyah (just being a Hasidic jew does not make you good it just makes you different damn it!)

  • Wonder how comes it took Arctic Monkeys so long to make it onto a Tv performance

  • Purge Ms. 70-s number from the cellie

  • Drink in moderation before noon

  • Improve my article

  • Remind myself NEVER to initiate a convo with her

  • EVER

  • Clean my room

  • Pretend to clean my room

  • Really, really, really consider cleaning my room

  • Hire a maid service to clean my room

  • Give material to Goodwill – I have too much not to give to others

  • Convince the assassin and the rest of the ‘KKK’ that we must go to Vegas to end SB

  • Pull only the money I intend to spend from my bank account

  • NEVER VISIT AN ATM IN VEGAS

  • Pay rent b4 I leave just in case

  • Buy a blender – time to get healthy

  • Place it in cupboard and never look it again after the first week

  • Sleep with…reckless abandon, and the aid of Ambien

  • Research how long after ingestion of alcohol I can use Ambien

  • visite a doctor mientras que en México

  • mejore mi español mientras que en México

  • Turn lappy into Toshiba for a through cleaning and upgrade!

  • Try and remember that at some point I am a student entering the legal profession

  • Re-watch Flavor of Love; did that really happen?

  • Watch Texas beat Cal in the second round of the tourney – Yes Cal Fans I really hope you win your first round game!

  • GO HORNS GO!

Sunday, March 12, 2006

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!

To my Brother Courtney and my little cousin Simone: Love you both! Courtney if I become half the man you are I will be blessed. Simone you’re in your first year of Med school while I end law school, told you this generation would do good things – plus this way when you get in trouble your big cousin will be here to help you out!

Friday, March 10, 2006

We finally have a new Dean!

Effective April 1, 2006, Interim Dean Kevin L. Cole will become the new Dean of the University of San Diego School of Law.  

Bar Review

Pictures! And, not a pink shirt in sight! I need a bloody massage!

Mini Rant...

I bloody hate Bathroom attendants, y the bloody hell must I go somewhere with a tip jar when I just want to bloody wash my hands: Paying the over priced $20 SD cover isn’t enough? You gotta jack me for money at the loo? It is particularly annoying nowadays, since everywhere has automatic faucets and towel dispensers I don’t need you to waive your hand in front of an automatic machine for me DAMN IT!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Texas blog update #2 It is VERY LONG but an EZ read and plus I need your opinion at the end

Plus I know you are sitting bored in class so read it in stages. (Oh and the answer in civ pro is always Comity)

So while drinking [(need that be said for many of my adventures – it is like how I used to rag on my friend that all her stories started with “So I was drunk last night and…”) Speaking of that friend I loved the fact that I was told that she got so drunk she passed out on the e-bus that they drove her around 3xs around the circuit and then finally had to call the cops to take her off the bus and carry her off to jail, but I digress] with my peeps on the balcony at the Blind Pig (Awesome spot that has a railing that looks over to the center of 6th street great for scoping the ladies – the Cali-J is single and lonely) and commenting on the beauty that was passing beneath us…when a young lady seated behind us yelled at her friend because her friend mentioned flashing for beads.
     
Now if you have not seen the Cali-J out and in action let me give you a quick over-view of his actions: once he hears something funny he will react, even if by reacting it could precipitate a fight. Fading out of the 3rd person and back to myself I have to admit I cannot help but laughing out loud at much of what I hear at bars. So when this young lady used the words “I am too classy to flash for beads” I perked up and turned to survey her.
     
Setting the scene a young lady wearing a low cut dress with spaghetti straps, the dress was tan and honestly was perfectly designed for flashing all but the nip (ladies does a nipple make a breast? I always see women just covering only the nipple anyway…) the dress was low cut to say the least, once I was able to draw my eyes upward I had to ask her to repeat what she said. She then got up and came towards my boys and I looked me up and down and said…”I am too classy to flash” My response was “Oh that’s cool I thought that was what you said, I just wondered if you thought there was something wrong with girls who flash” Her response and I promise the story gets better was “Noting wrong with them (pointing around at others) I am just too classy to do it”
     At that point I figured the convo was over and was about to turn away when she hit me with this piece of information sua sponte “I have had sex with over 70 guys” Now if you know the Cali-J you know that there is no way this can be said to me and the convo ever return to decency so I will now place the rest of the convo in this blog, the young lady will be 70, I will be C-J, my boy Sealant will be C and my boy Shan will be S.
C-J: Wait what? Did you say 17 or 70
70: I said 70, I like sex
C-J: Oh man I bet you do
70: yeh I love to have sex
C-J: Wow, can I ask you how old you are?
70: Oh I am 21
C-J: Word?
Shan: Shit!
C: hah
70: What?
C-J: Seriously, What? Are you really saying what?
C-J: you have had sex with 70 guys and you are only 21 and you are saying what?
70: Yes
C-J: Uhmm can you even spell NO?
<At this point I know that, that was horrible of me to say but I was a bit in shock and I was doing rapid calculations: Work with me here; let’s say she started having sex at 16 that is an avg of 1 new guy a month [11.66 for you asses who like to be exact – I believe in whole numbers when dealing with people though] every month, this means that she can never take a break, even if she dates for awhile but wait the kicker gets better we will get to her dating soon>
70: I was in a relationship for a long time
C-J: How long a week?
70: I had a boyfriend for over 2 years
C-J: (incredulously) Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
70: I did!
<so let’s break again: if she had a bf for 2 years and we assume she was faithful, it makes her hitting 70 even more of an accomplishment>
70: And I never cheated on him
<Forgive me if I find that hard to believe>
C-J: So how do you choose guys to get to that high a number, what’s the selection process?
70: Oh and I am clean
C-J: Uh?
70: I do not have any STDs
C: (who had drifted off and was DRUNK chimed in again) If a girl has to tell you that, something is wrong with her
70: No I swear I got tested!
<At this point we literally just did an NFL huddle Myself, Shan and Sealant with this exchange occurring in the huddle
Cali-J: Dude this chick is crazy
Sealant: She’s a slut
Shan: Shit!
Cali-J: If you stick your dick in her, it is guaranteed to melt, Sealant go do it! Do it, Do it, Do it, Do it, DO it>
C: I should
Cali-J: Do it
We then turned back to her >
C-J: So what makes you pick a guy?
70: (while looking us up and down) You
C-J: You what?
70: (Poking me in the chest) I would pick you
C-J: (Grabbing Sealant by the shoulder because I am that kind of asshole who likes to gloat, plus I was in shock that I got picked {secure enough to say this: Sealant is a very attractive guy, girls swoon for him} ) Hahah did you hear that son, I got picked.
C: Asshole!
C-J: Wait what does that mean you pick me?
70: I just like how you look, and how you sound.
C-J: Oh that’s cool, uhmm…
70: What do you do?
C-J: I go to law school in San Diego
70: ( a sparkle to the eye) Oh really I am going to San Diego in 2 weeks you should give me a call
C-J: Sure let me get your number (Ok Sadly I took the #, yes I know I shouldn’t have, but I guarantee 95% of guys would take the # too, plus I was being egged on by my boys)

Let me pull away from the back and forth dialogue to say yes I know that sadly much of the build up was to say that I GOT PICKED, and yes I know that is very self serving, but I LOVED IT. I know being picked by her is prolly not the greatest accomplishment on earth but u tell guys who have been drinking non-stop for days that!

Ok so sadly I did call her, the # was legit, I called out of curiosity – no I did not hook up with her, I did not see her again though she told me where she would be and where I could see her…she is coming into town: I do still have the number – I do still think my penis would melt – I don’t think Trojan is strong enough. I do not think that she is a bad person as my boys and I said over a pool game: most guys do not care about the number, which then proceeded to us trying to figure out the number that would finally make you go “ewww” I submit that once a girl is in the stratosphere of around 500, before the age of 30 and not officially working in the porn industry that she has hit a number that I cannot be comfortable with, no matter how much I tell myself that I do not judge persons.

By the way this is not sexist: If I had met a dude that was at 70 by 21 I would also look at him view askew, but at the same time acknowledge that sadly my species is not as discriminating as the fairer sex.

Should I call her? All my boys say yes! My judgment says no! STONE COLD!

Meeting her was such as shock to the system that I had to send off text messages to peeps I knew, the reply from the Sand Assassin was of course “Do it!”

So hit me up next time you see me and tell what you think: Should I call her? Is 70 too high by the age of 21? How much is too much? Are you as shocked as I am that I got picked? Am I the baby’s daddy? Sorry the last one was for a specific person (It’s a joke by the way I have no kids!)

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Free flow from my brain in class

Sitting in class with a beer, and of course now I need to go break the seal and go like a racehorse. Damn these long rows. A portion of my IM convo conducted in class
aaron (5:59:41 PM): I am drinking beer eating cookies and playing dominoes

Sadly that is a basic layout of my class experience today. Oh man I wish that chic 3 persons down did not have her legs sprawled I need to cut out and make it to the restroom…oh man gotta run, whew made it to the rest room. Now tried to sneak a beer back in, chickened out half way – chugged half of it, left the other half in the corner of the room – should be safe. Damn I am getting my ass kicked in bones. Why didn’t those assholes move their feet when I was trying to walk out, not sorry I stepped on his foot, no innocent victims in this game



Texas update #1

So I figured I should, give some update to my loyal readers about the Great Texas Adventure of the Cali-J. So over various blogs I will update y’all as to some of the various activities and things that I got involved in. So first off the song of the week was without a doubt, “I’m in love with a stripper”…and no I did not actually fall in love with a stripper, but I came close! So sadly I found out that one of my boys is addicted to strip clubs and then I met the girl of one of my boys who was going to begin her stripping debut, the day I flew out. She dropped this gem on me: “What’s the difference between a stripper and a cocktail waitress?...2 weeks” (and if you don’t get that let it marinate and then ask a friend) Ironically his girl had only been working at the club as a waitress for 2 weeks exactly when she began to strip.

So if you are from the Deep South you know that the proper pronounciation for the word stripper is Scrip-puh (with heavy emphasis on the puh). So how did “In love with a Scrip-puh” become the anthem for the trip? Well I guess it had a lot to do with the fact that within 5 minutes of meeting my boy’s girl, she dropped her top and showed me as well as my 2 homies that were with me her boobs (it was awesome)! There is no better introduction to someone than for them to strip bare! The night was supposed to end with her streaking, but sadly/fortunately the night ended too abruptly for that.

I guess tomorrow I have to blog about Ms. 70 though I have a feeling my ex will not appreciate that, plus my views on how many peeps a girl can sleep with before she is considered a ho will not be well viewed by my female viewers.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

You can't help but smile at this...

Savor the Flavor of love...

It has been described as the “Black Bachelor” but oh it is so much more than that…it’s the Ghetto/White Trash/Redneck Bachelor all rolled into one, for proof of the trash statement note that one of the ladies “Pumkin” in the final three was white and SPAT in the face of her rival (Cot-damn I thought “New York” was going to ‘cut’ her). So tune in tonight, it is guaranteed to be crazy and tonight is a ‘best of’ show so you will be able to catch up on all that you may have missed.

You can catch it on VH1 at 10pm or midnight tonight!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Oh to be married to a...

Hot Russian pop singer that allows you to cheat on her...as an NBA ball player?

Congratulations...

Minh

Shed a tear for me...

So I just got back in from a great bar review and I am now blogging at 2.26am and I can’t help but think that in Texas (Tejas for my Latin American readers) I would still be in a bar…oh yes indeed the night life in SD is limited. So I now have more tears on me than a girl watching ‘Tears of Endearment’ the doc just informed me today that I have a minor tear in my left ankle and a minor (if any in the knee can be considered minor) tear in a ligament in my left knee. My apologies to any of the young ladies I dance with tonight, if my dancing appeared a bit stilted – that’s what happens when your dance partner is wearing a bandage and a brace, in a couple weeks “whatcha now!”

So my doctor has finally prescribed Ambien CR to me, however I cannot take it tonight because I promised her I would not take it with alcohol and if there is one thing I do it is keep promises. My doc and I are cool with each other and I am 100% honest with her (after all if there is anyone you need to confess habits to it’s gotta be the person who gives you drugs) and she knows my habits of mixing alcohol with pills. Amazing that I have never taken an illicit drug in my life (though I have no problem with others taking them in fact in many cases I think some of the illicit drugs are better than legal ones like tobacco) but I practically have a pharmacy at my home – you want a hallucinogen I got that – need a mood alterer I got that – need an allergy pill that will make you; drowsy; alert; sleep I got that; - want to make sure your friend can’t avoid the toilet sadly I got that too (I was a practical joker in a past life the ones who know me best know about the vodka and Milk of Magnesia trick)

I swear at some pt I will give a recap of the Texas trip – It was great and some of the pictures will be released on a password protected picture site.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

A Picture Share!

Final drink for this austin trip. Thanks for the crash Z!

Blog Archive

About Me

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.