Infrequently updated consistently funny

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Texas blog update #2 It is VERY LONG but an EZ read and plus I need your opinion at the end

Plus I know you are sitting bored in class so read it in stages. (Oh and the answer in civ pro is always Comity)

So while drinking [(need that be said for many of my adventures – it is like how I used to rag on my friend that all her stories started with “So I was drunk last night and…”) Speaking of that friend I loved the fact that I was told that she got so drunk she passed out on the e-bus that they drove her around 3xs around the circuit and then finally had to call the cops to take her off the bus and carry her off to jail, but I digress] with my peeps on the balcony at the Blind Pig (Awesome spot that has a railing that looks over to the center of 6th street great for scoping the ladies – the Cali-J is single and lonely) and commenting on the beauty that was passing beneath us…when a young lady seated behind us yelled at her friend because her friend mentioned flashing for beads.
Now if you have not seen the Cali-J out and in action let me give you a quick over-view of his actions: once he hears something funny he will react, even if by reacting it could precipitate a fight. Fading out of the 3rd person and back to myself I have to admit I cannot help but laughing out loud at much of what I hear at bars. So when this young lady used the words “I am too classy to flash for beads” I perked up and turned to survey her.
Setting the scene a young lady wearing a low cut dress with spaghetti straps, the dress was tan and honestly was perfectly designed for flashing all but the nip (ladies does a nipple make a breast? I always see women just covering only the nipple anyway…) the dress was low cut to say the least, once I was able to draw my eyes upward I had to ask her to repeat what she said. She then got up and came towards my boys and I looked me up and down and said…”I am too classy to flash” My response was “Oh that’s cool I thought that was what you said, I just wondered if you thought there was something wrong with girls who flash” Her response and I promise the story gets better was “Noting wrong with them (pointing around at others) I am just too classy to do it”
     At that point I figured the convo was over and was about to turn away when she hit me with this piece of information sua sponte “I have had sex with over 70 guys” Now if you know the Cali-J you know that there is no way this can be said to me and the convo ever return to decency so I will now place the rest of the convo in this blog, the young lady will be 70, I will be C-J, my boy Sealant will be C and my boy Shan will be S.
C-J: Wait what? Did you say 17 or 70
70: I said 70, I like sex
C-J: Oh man I bet you do
70: yeh I love to have sex
C-J: Wow, can I ask you how old you are?
70: Oh I am 21
C-J: Word?
Shan: Shit!
C: hah
70: What?
C-J: Seriously, What? Are you really saying what?
C-J: you have had sex with 70 guys and you are only 21 and you are saying what?
70: Yes
C-J: Uhmm can you even spell NO?
<At this point I know that, that was horrible of me to say but I was a bit in shock and I was doing rapid calculations: Work with me here; let’s say she started having sex at 16 that is an avg of 1 new guy a month [11.66 for you asses who like to be exact – I believe in whole numbers when dealing with people though] every month, this means that she can never take a break, even if she dates for awhile but wait the kicker gets better we will get to her dating soon>
70: I was in a relationship for a long time
C-J: How long a week?
70: I had a boyfriend for over 2 years
C-J: (incredulously) Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
70: I did!
<so let’s break again: if she had a bf for 2 years and we assume she was faithful, it makes her hitting 70 even more of an accomplishment>
70: And I never cheated on him
<Forgive me if I find that hard to believe>
C-J: So how do you choose guys to get to that high a number, what’s the selection process?
70: Oh and I am clean
C-J: Uh?
70: I do not have any STDs
C: (who had drifted off and was DRUNK chimed in again) If a girl has to tell you that, something is wrong with her
70: No I swear I got tested!
<At this point we literally just did an NFL huddle Myself, Shan and Sealant with this exchange occurring in the huddle
Cali-J: Dude this chick is crazy
Sealant: She’s a slut
Shan: Shit!
Cali-J: If you stick your dick in her, it is guaranteed to melt, Sealant go do it! Do it, Do it, Do it, Do it, DO it>
C: I should
Cali-J: Do it
We then turned back to her >
C-J: So what makes you pick a guy?
70: (while looking us up and down) You
C-J: You what?
70: (Poking me in the chest) I would pick you
C-J: (Grabbing Sealant by the shoulder because I am that kind of asshole who likes to gloat, plus I was in shock that I got picked {secure enough to say this: Sealant is a very attractive guy, girls swoon for him} ) Hahah did you hear that son, I got picked.
C: Asshole!
C-J: Wait what does that mean you pick me?
70: I just like how you look, and how you sound.
C-J: Oh that’s cool, uhmm…
70: What do you do?
C-J: I go to law school in San Diego
70: ( a sparkle to the eye) Oh really I am going to San Diego in 2 weeks you should give me a call
C-J: Sure let me get your number (Ok Sadly I took the #, yes I know I shouldn’t have, but I guarantee 95% of guys would take the # too, plus I was being egged on by my boys)

Let me pull away from the back and forth dialogue to say yes I know that sadly much of the build up was to say that I GOT PICKED, and yes I know that is very self serving, but I LOVED IT. I know being picked by her is prolly not the greatest accomplishment on earth but u tell guys who have been drinking non-stop for days that!

Ok so sadly I did call her, the # was legit, I called out of curiosity – no I did not hook up with her, I did not see her again though she told me where she would be and where I could see her…she is coming into town: I do still have the number – I do still think my penis would melt – I don’t think Trojan is strong enough. I do not think that she is a bad person as my boys and I said over a pool game: most guys do not care about the number, which then proceeded to us trying to figure out the number that would finally make you go “ewww” I submit that once a girl is in the stratosphere of around 500, before the age of 30 and not officially working in the porn industry that she has hit a number that I cannot be comfortable with, no matter how much I tell myself that I do not judge persons.

By the way this is not sexist: If I had met a dude that was at 70 by 21 I would also look at him view askew, but at the same time acknowledge that sadly my species is not as discriminating as the fairer sex.

Should I call her? All my boys say yes! My judgment says no! STONE COLD!

Meeting her was such as shock to the system that I had to send off text messages to peeps I knew, the reply from the Sand Assassin was of course “Do it!”

So hit me up next time you see me and tell what you think: Should I call her? Is 70 too high by the age of 21? How much is too much? Are you as shocked as I am that I got picked? Am I the baby’s daddy? Sorry the last one was for a specific person (It’s a joke by the way I have no kids!)


Lola92037 said...

Your friend's comment that "if a girl has to tell you that [she has no STD's] something is wrong with her" was very true- the same is true when she randomly volunteers how many guys she has slept with (appropos of nothing), but you guys should've seen the red light flashing from the begining: anytime someone loudly points out how classy they are, they are most likely NOT.

RPS said...

As a fellow male, I must confess that I too would feel the guilty/pleasure of being the focus of even an "unclean woman"... so... DO IT.

However, as a person (we all have to be one sometimes)... hell no... not with a ten foot pole covered with a condom!

aarond said...

Now from my few adventures in clubs with bad lighting and names of performers like Cinnamon and Candy I know that only the classiest of ladies first talk to you before removing their tops. I agree that pre-empting a convo with the words "No STD's" always leaves one wary, but at the same time when you boast about hitting 70 you have to make mention of your health status.

Paul said...

Just be careful and do what you gotta do. But then again, how careful is careful? Only the Lord knows, man. It might sound old-fashioned, but health is #1. Without it, you can't do sh*t, let alone doing it with someone healthy! Why risky it? You have plenty of options. Plenty of cute healthy(need I emphasize more?) fishes in da deep blue sea...of love!

Anonymous said...

Dude, you better not call this ho if she's in town. A trojan isn't strong enough? Our WALL isn't strong enough. I'm afraid I'D get a disease if you banged this chick in our apartment.

- Dan

Anonymous said...

70...hmmm...if you want lose your dick...might as well go out with a bang! However, if you like your penis and you want to keep it around for a while, why don't you save it for someone who has slept with less people and I am sure is just as good in the sack. Wait until you are 100 and ready to die and just call her then (you know you will still have her number) and who knows she might be up to the 1000's. Let us know ;)

aarond said...

OK I am in tears right now, my roomies comment is cracking me up so much right now...sadly anyone that visits me this weekend will probably get the evil eye from my fellow island refugee. Paul we were premed 2gether so I appreciate your well wishes. To be crude: By the time I am a 100 if this chick is still on her current pace - neither of us would know if we are having sex at that point, my whole leg should be able to fit in her by then.

I forgot to add this in the blog: Most girls normally cut down on the # they claim (Though if she claims 70 u gotta think she is being frank) if she follows the normal route which I was told is only admit to a 1/3 of who you have slept with, well you do the math...

The Monkey Attack Victim said...

I think you have to at least hang out with her when she is in town. You know, for research purposes. Were there a lot of threesomes in there? Did she have a period of depression where she went home with a different guy every other night for like two months? Does she sleep with a guy on the first date every time? And if not, what is her magic number? And when she is saying 70, she does mean straight up traditional sex right? She isn't throwing just blow jobs into that number. I am very curious. Inquiring minds want to know. You must go!

Zandra said...

hahaha, 70....she's probably now at like 75..76...77.....

Anonymous said...

Yea, she's real classy... she wont flash you, but she'll f%^& you!

Call her, but save your roommie n dont bring her home. The wall may very well not be strong enough!

cmayballs said...

thought #1: ever watched American Beauty--for all you know this girl is bragging about having all this experience to, quite possibly, make up for the reality that she has no experience...
ok, I really don't believe that shit either but I felt compelled to throw a different spin on this...allow me to address your questions in order
Should you call/meet/fuck her?-no, reason? you are already convinced that this girl aint clean-you have to ask yourself if mediocre sex is worth it-you can get that anywhere can't you?-plus, just think of the fun you'll be having if, while you're hitting it, you are thinking about your penis and its inevitable state of gangrene...then, think how much worse you're gonna feel afterwards just wondering how long you have to wait to get tested to ensure she didn't give you anything---plus, just one nut? not really worth it...continuing
Is 70 too high by 21? hell yes! not even considering her 2 year relationship, and yes, some of us guys do care about the #...I wouldn't feel comfortable with 70 at age 30---she's gotta have some discretion and significant criteria in order for me to hit it...but, then again, I'm not desperate--are you?
am I surprised you got picked? well, she said she liked the way you sounded---perhaps she's into guys who sound like old smokers--I dunno---most likely she responded positively to the fact that you actually called her on her ridiculous comment and, further, that you evinced confidence...that, more than anything, is likely the reason

Lyoness said...


i trust i really don't have to offer any further opinion on the matter...

Wilt Chamberlain said...

ure being completely brainwashed by mainstream convention! ur out of your mind. magic johnson nailed his wife condomless for a year, got her pregnant and she still didnt get the HIV.

Dr. D. said...

Cali J...I seh erase her #, stay far from her.

70 man a dem age deh?? Mi rass!

No my yute.....lock up you hood!

Sand Assissin said...

For the record, I didn't text back to him "Do it!" There are some words that are difficult to text...

Anonymous said...

isn't there like a rule of 3's? u gotta take the number the lady tells u and multiply it by 3. somebody call guinness, this ho's on record pace!

Anonymous said...

lol yeah the rule of 3 from american pie...that means this chicks around 210...

But the real reason you know she's a freak: Look at at her selection...

About your course of action on this one:
George Carlin said it best "I wouldn't f*** that chick with a stolen dick"

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.