Infrequently updated consistently funny

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Exes, birthdays, oysters and suits

Whew have not blogged in awhile. Went to ex-gf’s birthday party tonight and it was bloody funny seeing who was there and who more significantly was NOT there.

I love my ex and I think we get along well, which I think sometimes leads me to teasing her unmercifully. I think I get along well with most of her friends (the ones that ‘may’ not like me are just plain evil) and so while they all tend to be doctors and invariably tend to fall into the habit of talking about work, I enjoy myself.

Part of what I really enjoyed tonight was watching the dynamic of the group. There were some girls there that football announcers would in their best hype-voice announce as “THESE GIRLS PLAIN DON’T LIKE EACH OTHER”. To their credit, everyone was very respectful of each other…I felt a momentary flash of guilt for wanting to see a cat-fight: Hope that does not make me sexist/misogynistic. A great part of my night was talking to one girl that clearly did not like the next girl, then immediately talk to the next girl. I felt like I was both Federer and Nadal, serving and volleying with ease. If I did not respect my ex so much I might have tried to stoke the fires, but as it was I was content with just playful teasing of her friends.

I am kind of like that horrible movie (I think the name is Good Luck Chuck,) girls would get with the lead character and immediately afterwards get with the guy of their dreams. I have been checking up on my exes and they are ALL locked down. Of course we are also of the age where many tend to get locked down but I still am shocked when peeps come out to dinner and they are married. I still do not look for rings, but I am noticing them more… Anyway kind of the point of this is, I went on a pseudo-date with a young lady, whom I thought was ‘single’ and the very next day, actually later that night, I saw her Facebook post exalting the fact that her hubby was back…uh OH? Hahahah, this is how guys who are being gentlemen (nice treatment etc) can get themselves in trouble. Oh well, at least we had a fun time.
Ladies, please do not use me to make your boyfriend’s jealous. In fact, let us narrow it down more, do not use my voice to make your bf’s jealous. DO NOT have me talk in the background while you are on the phone with him to make him realize that other guys will take you out. I am on vacation, I am here to have fun, of course if you call me I will go out with you, it is your responsibility to warn me in advance that you have a man.

Why are oysters so bloody cheap here, and so bloody expensive in the States? A dozen for the equivalent of $2.25US should worry me…instead I cannot get enough of them. You would think that with tourists dying here of food poisoning I would slow down on speculative food choices, but instead I am devouring fish, peppa-shrimp, lobster, oysters, sushi, and having all my beef products cooked medium rare. Maybe subconsciously I am just hoping to get just slightly sick enough to lose some weight the hard but fast way – I have to fit the 2 damn suits that I stupidly had taken in just before coming on vacation (one of my dumbest clothing choices ever). I am going to a wedding in Vegas 1 bloody day after I come back in from Vegas; I should probably just budget for buying a new suit in that single day and having it rush tailored.

Oh speaking of suits, bought a pretty decent grey suit while here…actually my Dad presented me with the suit, but I love the connections, English tailor, selling me an Italian suit, which is mass marketed in China, sold to me in Jamaica and on its way to America.

Since this blog has exes involved; to another ex…sorry re your friends. Anger makes me mean; thank goodness they were not in front of me!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

My Neighbour and I are trying to kill ourselves!

He is trying to cut weight for a tourney and I am just trying to cut weight. Take today for instance. He ran 3 miles in the morning, I ran (really walked) 2 miles, we then both later in the day did an Insanity Dvd workout and played a set of Tennis (which of course includes the warm up.

So you would think that would end it, but noooo, I remembered at about quarter to midnight that I really needed to get groceries that were on special and I had made a pact to myself that I was not driving to the store anymore since it was so close. So I had to put on my plimsolls and set off in a jog so I could make the one mile journey rapidly.

The main problem is that, being the crazy kid I am, with all the working out, I ended up eating, a tonne of ham, steamed veggies, then baked pasta, blueberries, butterscotch cookies, 3 bowls of ice cream, some pumpkin seeds, and then a ham sandwich...yup, you try running with that junk in your stomach. So the trip to the store was agonizingly slow. And since I just jumped up from the couch and set off running I was basically wearing a shirt that should just stay in the house!

Thankfully at midnight, there are not that many people in the grocery store so really my hotness meter did not take too severe a hit. But, on to the reason why I ran to the store, I have a few holiday parties that I am cooking for, so I needed to get chicken and when chicken breasts are $3 off per lb, you kind of want to take advantage of the sale (even if it ends at midnight and it is 15 minutes to).

The problem with not driving to a store and then loading up on products sold by the lb is that you then have to WALK BACK HOME. So at midnight in a shirt that should be hidden, and with 3 grocery bags with 30lbs of chicken (not very evenly distributed) I had to walk home. A cop car pulled up and stopped near me at one point (not for me) but I was sorely tempted to request a lift, but really no smart man enters a cop car unless he has to! Especially when you are my complexion and in Hermosa. For much of the trip I was thinking, "Man I really wish I had worn a jacket" and "Damn, I really wish plastic bags had better handles" those suckers really cut into your hand when carrying heavy objects.

So here is hoping that I will some day learn some portion control but till that day, looks like I will be back to crazy work outs and crazy binges.

At least I know I can look forward to some Amazing Jerk chicken on Sunday

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Birthday week...so sick again

It is amazing and clockwork. I always get sick the week of my birthday. I suspect it has something to do with the season changes that tend to occur right around this time. Since well what the hell else could it be? Maybe its the damn kids all going back to school and swapping their special hellish brand of incubated diseases. I am healthy all year, had my flu shot; Been working out for the last few weeks, (dropped 13lbs - Yeah buddy), even slept an hour more per day than normal. But just like always I am sick. Last year I was able to clear up just in time for my 30th (though I kind of hid some of it) I was a wreck internally). So far this year I am dragging. I am supposed to be working on a prospectus right now, but it was swimming in front of my face. I am so hunched over the desk that if anyone came by they would think I was some drunk that snuck in (I was too sick to shave the last 4 days, so I have a straggly beard, which goes great with the un-tightened braids and the blood shot barely open eyes)

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

R.I.P. Cousin Azeez

(This is a very late post. I had it just sitting in my saved box for ever because I just had a hard time posting it)

My cousin died due to his car plunging into a canal
in Florida and he was submerged under water for 20 minutes. I cannot explain the sorrow I felt when I heard the news. It was just so shocking to deal with and to believe that a man who was so vibrant was just gone like that. But the thing that hit me hardest was that he left my cousin and her 2 kids. I just felt such a sense of loss when I thought about what his loss meant to their immediate family.

It is weird that I rarely feel much pain when death occurs. But this one hit me hard because of I guess the family connection and I just cannot get over how it occurred and what was left undone.

I do not want to go into too much detail the news does a decent job on it here

Just reading the words "oldest child, 21-year-old Javeed." makes it hard to stomach...I think especially because I remember when Javeed could be held by me in one hand while holding my other cousin Andre in the other

I will miss him and my heart goes out to mi familia

Monday, August 23, 2010

Shaq and Hoopz engaged?

Insomnia is a hell of a thing: Because of it I am up listening to Sports talk radio and hearing the rumor that Shaq may now be engaged to Hoopz from the first season of Flavor of Love...come on Shaq this better be false!

Since I am lazy I will just link to a site that showed up when I googled the rumor http://thetvrealist.com/gossip/Shaq-and-Hoopz-Engaged-3352193.html

At least I can fall asleep knowing that of the many crazy things I do constantly, multi-millionaires do crazier things...allegedly.

Sunday, August 08, 2010

"Oh NO NOT Jaeger" vol 2.3443

Tonight was another episode of the Hermosa beach chronicles. There was a mini-day drinking episode since Rose and I went riding and then stopped at my boy JC's (big mistake) before doing the second leg of our ride...well thanks to the power of persuasion and alcohol the 2nd leg never occurred.

If there was any doubt that I cannot get drunk, tonight should prove it. My cup at JC's place for all my drinks was a 48oz big gulp cup. The average drink is supposed to be 8ozs but who really drinks that? So lets say that we are drinking 12ouncers I was still drinking at 4xs the normal drink rate. OR, if you want to pretend that we normally drink 16 ozs then I was doing more than 2.5 drinks every time I took a drink (if my math is off, forgive me, I am lazy and it is late) I went in on drinks. We all watched the UFC fight together. I even got Rose to stay (shocker) and I drank all the way through the prelims of the fight through the main fight and after the fight. It was so bad that we drank on the way to the club post fight. Rose ditched us, so anything crazy that happened after the fight would be her fault (but luckily/sadly nothing crazy happened).

Looking through my photos (and yes for once I had the camera with me) the craziness of the night was bloody apparent. Supposedly I am passive aggressive in blogs towards my ex (which is bad - especially since I do not realize it) so I am going to try and be good in this one. Considering that my drinks tonight measure in the dozens not the singles anything that I post should be true and not passive right? Because I do not want to be a hypocrite I texted my ex because well hell we never talk anymore and while I know many of the reasons we broke up, I should still at least be polite...and I am not normally polite. *Expletive deleted, *Expletive deleted, *Expletive deleted. Ok just kidding, anyone who knows me knows I do not actually curse. I miss my ex, but the fact that we never talk, ticks me off so much that I do wonder if the feelings I am missing is the fact that I just want to argue with her and not rather that I want to be with her? Nah I am kidding, I miss the good times. I just hate the back and forth and the subterfuge.

So the title of the blog...you might notice that it says Oh no not jaeger! Well I HATE bloody Jaegermeister, I think it is designed to make persons puke. Thankfully I have never puked in my entire life (seriously ask my mom, ask my bro, my dad, hell ask my ex...I never puke) but Jaeger I think takes me the closest, yet everyone I know when buying a round of shots, seems to get Jaeger, bloody disgusting, and out of a misguided sense of camaraderie I always take the damn shot/s! It is easy as a reader to just say "do not drink it" but we all know that in most cases we all will take drinks that maybe we should not do, because others are doing it. And in my case when it is well documented that you do not get drunk it is a lot harder to convince people that you do not want to take a shot when it is clear you can handle the shot. So while I HATE the taste of Jaeger, I will drink it if I must..."above all, be polite" - damn British based education!

I was told this week that I will once again be an officiant at a wedding. Since I am sworn to secrecy regarding the persons in the wedding (not yet time to reveal) I can only sit here in amazement that another friend trusts me to take them along this most sacred of paths. I am honoured, humbled, horrified (alliterative) hesitant to be an officiant again. Look I know you are impressed that I banged out 4 H-words that actually made sense but like Papoose (google him) I can engage in "Alphabetic slaughter": off the top of my head for 3 bars:
A- Aaron's absolutely, amazingly apoplectic at Amazons appearing at Alcohol Arenas (aka tall women at bars). But beverages bring better buttocks before brothers!

See? I am a lyrical genius. If you are on my BBM you already know this...right Ofelia?

Nights like this are when I really, really (one more?) really miss the Texas clubs! A track like Gucci Mane's "Wasted" sounds so much better in Texas bars with the increased bass line that the ATX bars tend to pump out. Heck even the College Station piece of crap 4 bars in a row areas still bang out the heavy bass. It is still hard to stomach when I am out here and hear, not only edited music but a weak bass line. When in the club (and this is true in Jamaica and Texas but rarer in Cali) I want to hear a bass line that rattles fillings and plays every available curse line in the song: While I do not curse, I expect that once entering an establishment of 21 and up, that I will hear at least 'adult' music!

(An aside: Only the WWE heads will get this, but Vicky Guerrero's weight loss is making her look damn good - shout out to Dan K - who probably disagrees with me.)

So this group of persons in the bar tonight were being really mean (read assholes) to their waitress and in general just making life miserable for all near by. They cashed out early and I watched the young lady who was "putting it all" on her card take money from her friends and then pay out the tab. Only thing is, she thought she was being generous and leaving a nice tip but she was way more generous than she thought. On a $40 tab, she signed off on $160 dollars, I know she only meant to put $60 on her card because I over heard the conversation but she was so drunk she added a 1, and because they were so annoying, I did not stop them even though I knew what they were doing. Nice tip for the bartender and wait staff, and a decent little lesson to the group of princesses.

Trending towards the end because I know this is long, but hey, I rarely blog any more so think of this as your week long blog and read it in parts if you have to: I suffer from Photic sneezing. What sucks about it is, well everything. It can strike at anytime. any bright light can trigger it (mainly sunlight - as sadly some people have had to witness - read exes who wake me up too early) and it once triggered is impossible to control. Well tonight I had an attack. Once the lights came up for last call, I had an attack. I was talking to people and suddenly started sneezing uncontrollably because the lights to kick us out came on...not a good look.

Currently I rock my hair in braids (mainly if being honest, because I am too lazy to comb it out everyday to maintain a decent afro) so I pulled loose a braid just to check on my hair length, I now have hair that is over 5 inches long....no clue what I am going to do with it. It is getting harder and harder to just brush it out and make it look presentable for court. I may finally just wear the damn braids to court and stop 'wetting the hair and using a bandanna to keep it compressed to get in the courtroom'.

The problem with drinking a tonne and never getting drunk is the fact that I am never going to be able to go to sleep! Why you might ask? Because every few minutes I have to go to the restroom and micturate. So you get a longer than average blog because well I am just rambling and really this only takes about 10 minutes to type, even if it takes a half hour to read (sorry).

I think its time to end this, but let me end it with a complaint. I had to go to eastern California this week for work. It was the HOTTEST I have ever been in my entire LIFE. The temperature was 112 degrees in the shade, and sadly that was no exaggeration. At one point I switched shirts because I was just sitting down writing up a report and sweated right through the shirt I was wearing. It was so hot that the braids I had freshly plaited fell down because my whole head was so moist I could not sustain the braid. I drank 144 ozs of Gatorade and water and peed once the whole damn day, and people normally make fun of how often I pee. I have no idea how people live in the Cali dessert, those who live there might have adapted to it, but I know I will not!

So I am watching the movie "Who's the Man" and as I type it is the scene with Naughty by Nature and they are performing OPP, so I guess one more SHOUT OUT TO OFELIA ;) ok I Kid, night y'all.


Congrats on the Wedding X. Once you allow us to talk about it,I will give you a proper shout out. Till that happens, keep hooking me up with court appearances and freaky fun, friendly, female, friends, from familyesque functions. (Alphabetic slaughter!) I rest my case!


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Congrats Samir And Karina and general hodge podge

First things first. It was my tremendous honor to officiate the Wedding of Samir and Karina this weekend. I am still shocked they picked me, and I hope I did not mess it up too much. The couple was so lovely, Karina was beautiful in her dresses (yup plural) and Samir cleans up well.

I rocked an Afro because I did not think braids would be acceptable and since my scalp has not seen the sun in awhile I could not shave it - refused to have a glowing dome for an outdoor wedding.

It was basically a big Sunny Hills reunion, I am quickly and scarily realizing that I know a tonne of peeps from that school.

Another thing I am noticing is that I tend to meet people who seem to know people, that know people that I know (yup the sentence is confusing because that is how it feels for me here). At the rehearsal in Fullerton, I met a friend who I became friends with in Hermosa, through Northern Cali friends who have nothing to do with the So Cal friends of my new friend who just happened to be part of the wedding. Millions of people in So Cal and yet everywhere I go, I tend to meet peeps I know...guess it is a sign that I tend to move in the same circles no matter where I live/visit. Heck even wine tasting in Santa Ynez I met up with friends unexpectedly.

"They be like Smooth (what), Can you teach me how to dougie?" - - Horrible song, but it is stuck in my head and I actually like the simplistic dance...shame on me, I accept it. And now for all posterity it is on the wedding video.

The grooms men all wore pink monogrammed socks with rhinestones...yup, I can rock anything proudly. Most of the reception had me walking around with a pant leg pulled up - look if I am going to have to wear a sock like that, and take pix with it, I might as well just show it and the stellar right calf off. (yup still calf pressing 400lbs with each leg, strongest muscles I have...I want the world to know).

Right after talking about leg muscles I should point out...my left leg feels like it is broken. I was so tired from the weekend (just not sleeping enough - in 4 days, I slept 6 hours) and working too much the last few days of the week I was not careful enough and strained the leg. So no it is not really broken (never broken a bone) it just sucks right now. So painful I could not even test out the road bike I was going to ride for the first time this week.

Avid cyclist that I am, I have been riding since the age of 3 I have never ridden a road bike! It was tricycle to BMX (never a huffy man), to Trek, to Trek, to Trek to Stolen Trek (if I ever find you you bastard, dog nyam yuh suppah) to now the hybrid mountain bike that causes me pain after mile 15. Almost afraid to test the road bike, because I love trails and I do not want to become spoiled by the smooth ride of a road bike and then have to spend money on maintaining 2 damn bikes!

Already in World Cup withdrawal.

The anger towards Lebron is amazing. Yeah he announced his decision in a crappy manner, but the vitriol poured out towards him is insane. Who does it really help to riot and burn jerseys?

Bloody strange summer in SO CAL, the rest of the nation is roasting with heat waves and we are actually dealing with overcast skies most days.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

"Damn these dudes are Sequoias"

Nothing like standing in a bar with 3 guys infront of you and the shortest guy is 6 foot 7. Let me point out I am just around 6ft 220lbs so I am by no means a small guy and yet I felt like a little person. At one point one of my boys was looking for me and he was just on the other side of the human forest and could not see me.

So I went out in Hermosa tonight, first time in a long time that we went out with a reduced crew. Most of the crew was out of town or with family...with that reduction in numbers you would think we would get in less or no trouble...nope

I am always amused by songs that most people claim to hate or use words like 'awful' 'sucks' 'ridiculous' but once played in a club with 'club bass' they are irresistible to dance to; think almost any Soulja Boy song. I know most peeps clown that kid, but wow he knows how to put together a beat that will make you at the very least bob your head.

Funniest moment of my night, standing outside a dive bar, some random chick walks up, and deposits her equally random friend beside me and says "Take care of her, I am counting on you to get her home safely" UGH NOOOOOO!!!! I immediately told her not to leave her friend and to make sure to put her in a cab. I understand that she might have been drunk, but that is just crazy, and not the best way to take care of your friend.

By the way, "My dougie" is such a ridiculous song (see how that works) but I love doing the dance in a crowd in the club.

This is what happens to my Friday nights when I am 'waiting on a call' I cannot imagine what would have happened if I had actually planned to go out tonight.

Let us go even more stream of consciousness than the above.

- Hanging out with cops in a bar is surreal and can kill harmonious vibes
- the US team got hosed by the referee today
- Drinking over 120 ounces of ANYTHING is just too much and yup I counted, I had to since the night started off with my boy handing me a 32Oz cup...just crazy
- Glee has its funny moments but I am not sure I can stand all the singing - and yup I know that is the point of the damn show...I accept the conflict
- Being able to walk to all the bars is damn good, until it becomes an unbreakable habit
- Mean people suck, nice people...hahah ok I just wanted to make sure you were reading on
- Seriously, I hate flakes, and I hate peeps who are passive aggressive (I am too and I hate that about myself) if you are pissed at me, just say so seriously no weird goodbyes or rolled eyes.
- Guys who mean mug in clubs crack me up, I am too old to be fighting, and if you can get in the club so are YOU!
- The girl that called out her boy by telling me that he acts aggressive but is too scared to ever throw a punch was awesome and funny, and should probably not be with that Jackass.
- Peeps are way too relaxed around me: things I heard tonight "Going home to my booty call", "I love to eat pussy", "Black is the only color for me", "You need to bring me girls with big tits" My response "I do not know you": which led to "It's cool man, just bring me girls with big tits"
- I miss blogging, I am lazy and I barely even put up Facebook status messages but I miss blogging, I do it less and less because I do not trust myself, but I miss it.
- Seeing the Grunion run is AWESOME
- "You can call me nice all you want but I am a bad boy and bad boys do bad things" Now holla at me with your cute butt, we are going to the gym!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Talked to my ex for 1hour and 28 minutes and country music

And...it was illuminating. I actually enjoyed the conversation and it made me realize we do not talk enough...which of course is part of why we are exes. Anyway on to the Hodge-podge:

- I have been working out like a fiend, I discovered that I have gained 42lbs since last July. Everyone who hears it says "That is because you were comfortable" that is just an overly nice way of saying "You let yourself go". The fault is mine, it is nice to blame others but the fault is mine, just because others do not like the gym, does not mean I can then sit on my butt knowing that since I do not diet, I have to work out.

- Because of the weight gain, I have been busting my ass in the gym, and I am paying for it. I now have a horrible case of plantar fasciitis. It is so bad, that stepping out of bed causes severe pain. I cannot run, I cannot even walk on the treadmill, no elliptical, the only thing I can do cardio wise is spinning which leads me to:

- 3 Out of 4 of my spinning instructors this week played COUNTRY MUSIC...look I like maybe even love country music in small doses and I know it is bloody popular, but it was extraordinary to me to hear it so often used in a situation where I am used to hearing pop music, rap, or techno.

One of the instructors more than half the music was country, it really is hard to work up a lather when hearing about a girl leaving someone (yup I am generalizing the music).

The one however that cracked me up the most, played country music, then followed it with Justin Bieber (hope I got that right, I am too lazy to look it up), the thing is I was so damn happy to not hear country any more, I found myself bobbing along and enjoying the song, whereas normally when I hear that song, I put it out of my mind.

- It is summer time in Hermosa, yup, I know in the rest of the world it is still Spring, but for us...it is SUMMER and I am loving it!

- Of course now that I am 42lbs over-weight, maybe I should not enjoy the summer so much.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

My plumber jacked some beers

I have barely spent any time in my apartment, especially my kitchen which is my favourite place, because there is so much work being done on the plumbing of the place. All the pipes were replaced the dry wall was ripped apart, the shower removed ( I lost 5lbs last week because I have had to shower at the gym and if I am at the gym I might as well work out) the toilet was gone for a day...the water coming through the taps tastes chemically so I have been brushing my teeth with bottled water everything has been sucky for the last week...and I deal with all of that and have not complained to the workers here.

BUT, I think they have taken my kindness for weakness because I just noticed that in my stash of cheap beers (I actually keep a stash for cooking eg. Beer battered shrimp) there is a dent. Yup, the plumbers have been taking/drinking from my private stash. To be honest I do not even care that much except for the fact that everything is days behind bloody schedule. I am beginning to think that the reason nothing can get done is because they are DRUNK!

Every day when I come home to check on things, nothing seems to have moved. If I stay in the house for lunch, I see activity going on. If I just quietly slip in, no one seems to be working. And that leads to another issue, I leave my keys for the workers with the understanding that they lock up when not in the house, they are working on multiple units, so when they are not in mine it is supposed to be locked. Yet last Friday I came home from court, sat in the house for 20 minutes and nobody even realized I was there - then a new worker who I had never seen and who does not know me, walked in looked at me and did not say anything even though I had a laptop in my hand...thanks for keeping my place secure.

Had a good phone call tonight, kind of cleansing

Friday, February 26, 2010

Hodge podge End of February and bad backs

So off the bat, let me state immediately I am on Hydrocodone, aka Vicodin. I have realized that to call me fat is an understatement I am a whale. I am large enough to take out a trainer at Sea World (too soon for killer whale jokes?). So I have returned to my old school hard core gym routine. Only one major problem, I eased into the routine that allowed me to lose 40lbs in 6 months (I should have taken before and after shots, but I never really thought I looked much different so why bother) well I have been off that routine for AGES and did not take that into account and started hitting the gym hard this week...well the damn gym hit back even harder. My back is now so sore, that I am considering asking my ex for a massage even though we are on non-speaking terms right now...yup it is that bad - the back not the relationship.

I am a lot stronger than I look in some areas. My back muscles are really well developed you just cannot see them because I carry a layer of fat that would keep a bear warm for the winter, and my legs are strong enough to lift a car off of me in an emergency...my chest is so weak that I am embarrassed to bench if a even semi-fit looking woman is nearby for fear that I will get out-lifted, yes its sexist but it is practical, no guy wants to be out-lifted plus it will just cause harm to me, she out-lifts me, then I lift more trying to catch her up and I pass my limit and get injured just because I did not want to be out-lifted!!! Anyway, that is not what happened to me, I just lifted too much too quickly on my back exercises basically thinking it was still a year ago and that I could lift anything. Before I got semi-married I was able to max out a few of the back machines at the gym. This last time, I was struggling to get past the half-way mark on those same bloody machines.

So now I am lying here (what you thought I was sitting up?) typing a blog and watching The Hangover (why waste a potential vike buzz) with ice on my knee and thoughts running through my head like...Why did I ride 15 miles on the bicycle today, knowing that I had a bad back...why the hell is that chick not responding to phone calls (just damn rude)...why seriously did it take me so long to ride 15 miles when I used to do that ride in 35 minutes (I cannot say how long it took now I might just cry)...

I put on a shirt I used to wear a year ago, it was like "Fat guy in a little coat" the sucker clung to me like it was spandex and not in a good way like, "Wow my muscle tee is tight my arms are popping out of here and my chest is swollen" no in my case it was "Wow my muscle tee is tight my arms are popping out of here and my gut is so swollen this shirt may actually split at the seams."

So part of why I have become so damn fat is because I have been experimenting and making great food constantly. For instance I made an orange-bbq sauce for some grilled pork chops and it was fantastic. We have a tonne of fruit at the house and my bro told me to use it up so I decided why not just squeeze some fresh oranges, and a lemon and make an orange sauce and damn it the thing was bloody good, I immediately ate 2 of the pork chops, I think it is now time for me to make crappier food, because honestly I am eating too much of it. Right now I am seriously thinking of making a cake while watching the damn movie, and I am pretty sure that if my back was not hurting so much I probably would despite the fact that I am at the house by myself and I would be the only one to eat it, since I am not sure when next I am seeing anyone else.

Damn the Tiger scene in the Hangover kills me, maybe this movie is not safe to watch with a bad back. Damn this movie is fantastic. An aside I think Tropic Thunder is way better than Forgetting Sarah Marshall but the ex-missus thinks I am crazy, then took a cheap shot stating "you do not know what is funny" why do girls do that? They take shots at us, that we would never do to them. For instance I would never say to her, "the shows you watch suck so bad that I want to eat a bullet oh and your friends are so ugly you do not have to ever worry about me sleeping with any of them!"

Ah, the back is starting to loosen up, maybe I can hit the gym tomorrow and get a leg work out in!

Finally, it is never good when you are watching a raunchy comedy and you are looking at things and saying..."wow I remember doing that" if you have seen the pictures at the end of 'The Hangover' you will know why I might think this is a bad feeling to have.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Biz markee sing the hook for me

"You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
And you say he's just a friend, oh baby"

We all sing along to it, we all chant it, we all love it. But damn it sucks when you think it fits your situation. I have a friend who is in a bad situation, he has a girl, he likes the girl, they seem good to the outside world, she seems to miss him when he is gone BUT, she has a friend who keeps calling/texting and basically creeping.

Now I do not know what to tell him. Violence is not supposed to be the answer but I am almost inclined to tell my friend to smack around the guy that is supposed to be 'just a friend'. Whenever my friend leaves his girl for even a few days, she has dinner with the other guy. He hit on her once he found out she was dating my friend (she shot him down), but it gets better: he hit on her WHILE trying to get with her best friend. It seems wrong, like me my friend is not the jealous type, but I suspect that maybe we are too lackadaisical when it comes to relationships. In fact, maybe my boy's girl should no longer be friends with the sleazy guy. And yup I dub him sleazy, looking back at all the things he has done, I feel slimy just typing about him so I cannot imagine meeting him in person.

But, I could be wrong, maybe all of my suspicions are because I am only hearing my friend's side of the story...maybe! However, I do think that if a girl were hearing about a girl doing all these things to her boyfriend there would be HELL to pay!

I at least hope he got some good pictures out of it...that's right, pictures!!!

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.