My bicycle is faster than your bike!

As I often say you have to make the little things make you smile.
So riding back from the gym I was very, very sore; not the regular sore like "yeah I feel good I am sore cause I worked out like a monster". Nope I was sore like injured sore. A little background: On Monday while watching TV and staring at my roomies ab-roller it occurred to me that since I was just sitting there and it was just sitting there I might as well just use it. So throughout the movie I did 1000 situps and 50 bicycle kicks. No exaggeration at all in that number that is what I did. My original target was 100 situps and 50 bicycle kicks but the ab-roller made it so damn easy I just kept going and once I hit the 600 mark I decided I had to get to a 1000.

Well once I hit the 1k mark I pretty much lay there bit sore bit tired not too bad. Then I went to the gym yesterday (Wednesday) just 2 days later. Did a great back work out, figured hey "remember on monday when you said you would do 25 situps a night, well you skipped yesterday so use the ab roller here and do a 100". Well I think my brain was trying to protect me on Tuesday by making me skip that night! Once I got on the ab roller I felt sore. But of course I am a guy so hey "sore is good right?" I did a set of 20, felt harder than I expected. Put the legs up higher did a set of 30, sore, not too bad...did a set of 25 and started gasping...take a longer rest, no need to sit up straight. Did the 'final' set of 25 and got to 19 and then nearly started crying in the gym. My abs locked up and felt like someone had stabbed me in the lower abdominal. I grabbed the railing forced myself to a sitting position trying to 'look cool' cause really I could not have anyone at the gym thinking I had just hurt myself on an AB-MACHINE (I mean to be fair if I saw someone suddenly look like they were in pain I would chuckle too).

So I sat on the machine taking deep breaths trying to calm my body cause I really really wanted to cry out in pain and to look like I wasn't just sitting there (and really I was because I could NOT get up) I just kept bobbing my head as if listening to music while really on my ipod was the Tony Kornheiser show which is TALK radio. But damn it if I was not going to pose like I was a G! I started to have horror thoughts of having to take my phone and call down to the front desk and beg them to have a trainer come and lift me off the damn machine. Thankfully after a minute the abs calmed down enough for me to get up slowly and walk down to the locker room. And then the thought of horror hit me...I still had to ride home and if you are a rider you know YOUR ABS ARE ENGAGED WHILE RIDING.

So I unlock the bike (while wearing my new sparkly shorts) and I want to say hop on but really I leaned the bike so low to the ground that the seat was by my knees, then rolled on to it by using the curb to boost myself on. Then I start riding home! If anyone had tracked me they would have cracked up. I kept alternatively saying "Ow, Ow, Ow" and "Damn it I should just push this" sometimes hit with "Bloody THREE MILES!" So anytime I came to a stoplight if no car was in my lane I would just keep doing small turns in the lane rather than trying to lean over and put a foot down cause I was that sore. If a car was there I would actually ride up to the sign and lean on it with my shoulder just so I would not have to put my foot down.

While at one of the lights this guy with a motorcycle pulls up into my lane and revs his bike! So I look at him and he revs it again. So I did the only sensible think I clicked both brake handles 'click click' since that is pretty much the only sound you can make on a bicycle looked straight at him and yelled "You wanna race?". He looked at me like I was crazy revs again and I yelled "Guess that is a yes!" He revs, the light goes green and he PEELS OUT! I slowly push down on the pedals and start laughing...then immediately regret it because: Yup you guessed it LAUGHING USES YOUR ABS

Hodge podge End of February and bad backs

So off the bat, let me state immediately I am on Hydrocodone, aka Vicodin. I have realized that to call me fat is an understatement I am a whale. I am large enough to take out a trainer at Sea World (too soon for killer whale jokes?). So I have returned to my old school hard core gym routine. Only one major problem, I eased into the routine that allowed me to lose 40lbs in 6 months (I should have taken before and after shots, but I never really thought I looked much different so why bother) well I have been off that routine for AGES and did not take that into account and started hitting the gym hard this week...well the damn gym hit back even harder. My back is now so sore, that I am considering asking my ex for a massage even though we are on non-speaking terms right now...yup it is that bad - the back not the relationship.

I am a lot stronger than I look in some areas. My back muscles are really well developed you just cannot see them because I carry a layer of fat that would keep a bear warm for the winter, and my legs are strong enough to lift a car off of me in an emergency...my chest is so weak that I am embarrassed to bench if a even semi-fit looking woman is nearby for fear that I will get out-lifted, yes its sexist but it is practical, no guy wants to be out-lifted plus it will just cause harm to me, she out-lifts me, then I lift more trying to catch her up and I pass my limit and get injured just because I did not want to be out-lifted!!! Anyway, that is not what happened to me, I just lifted too much too quickly on my back exercises basically thinking it was still a year ago and that I could lift anything. Before I got semi-married I was able to max out a few of the back machines at the gym. This last time, I was struggling to get past the half-way mark on those same bloody machines.

So now I am lying here (what you thought I was sitting up?) typing a blog and watching The Hangover (why waste a potential vike buzz) with ice on my knee and thoughts running through my head like...Why did I ride 15 miles on the bicycle today, knowing that I had a bad back...why the hell is that chick not responding to phone calls (just damn rude)...why seriously did it take me so long to ride 15 miles when I used to do that ride in 35 minutes (I cannot say how long it took now I might just cry)...

I put on a shirt I used to wear a year ago, it was like "Fat guy in a little coat" the sucker clung to me like it was spandex and not in a good way like, "Wow my muscle tee is tight my arms are popping out of here and my chest is swollen" no in my case it was "Wow my muscle tee is tight my arms are popping out of here and my gut is so swollen this shirt may actually split at the seams."

So part of why I have become so damn fat is because I have been experimenting and making great food constantly. For instance I made an orange-bbq sauce for some grilled pork chops and it was fantastic. We have a tonne of fruit at the house and my bro told me to use it up so I decided why not just squeeze some fresh oranges, and a lemon and make an orange sauce and damn it the thing was bloody good, I immediately ate 2 of the pork chops, I think it is now time for me to make crappier food, because honestly I am eating too much of it. Right now I am seriously thinking of making a cake while watching the damn movie, and I am pretty sure that if my back was not hurting so much I probably would despite the fact that I am at the house by myself and I would be the only one to eat it, since I am not sure when next I am seeing anyone else.

Damn the Tiger scene in the Hangover kills me, maybe this movie is not safe to watch with a bad back. Damn this movie is fantastic. An aside I think Tropic Thunder is way better than Forgetting Sarah Marshall but the ex-missus thinks I am crazy, then took a cheap shot stating "you do not know what is funny" why do girls do that? They take shots at us, that we would never do to them. For instance I would never say to her, "the shows you watch suck so bad that I want to eat a bullet oh and your friends are so ugly you do not have to ever worry about me sleeping with any of them!"

Ah, the back is starting to loosen up, maybe I can hit the gym tomorrow and get a leg work out in!

Finally, it is never good when you are watching a raunchy comedy and you are looking at things and saying..."wow I remember doing that" if you have seen the pictures at the end of 'The Hangover' you will know why I might think this is a bad feeling to have.