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Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Bachelorette recap or all Chad are bad?

I mock this show all the time, but when it was gone last week I missed it! I have got a friend at work that cannot stop talking, to the point that even my boss is annoyed now, but no matter how many warning she gets she will not shut up…this is my move with the Bach/ette franchises I warn myself that this is not healthy but I keep going back.

You might recall that on the last episode the Chad, is being sent home but…he stalks through the woods to go and find the other guys! Nemacolin, PA is not ready for this Chad storm. The guys hold a mock funeral for Chad, and spread his protein powder like ashes – wasteful and petty…and cowardly because it is done when he is not there BUT WAIT, what is this? Chad is knocking on the front door and now dragging his fingers down the glass panes of the door. Evan in his ITM says “I hope he is not here for his protein powder” coward.

Chad tells the guys that he felt backed into a corner, but refuses to apologize to them. He says that when the group attacked him the only thing he could think to do is to get physical. Aaron Rodger’s brother shows me that he is braver than I expected by standing up to Chad. But Evan does a foolish move of asking Chad to pay him for his shirt that was ripped, son just get that money from production (thanks to Evan Old Navy shirts were a trending twitter topic).
When Alex walks in, the guys put him on their shoulders and start chanting “Dragon Slayer!” mysteriously a cake and sparklers show up and of course they dunk Alex’s face into it…I am sure production had nothing to do with that!
Cocktail party/Rose Ceremony #1:

The guys are all expressing relief that Chad is no longer there. Robby gets a kiss, but many of the guys get to see it. But now that Chad is not there, new villains have to emerge and now that the guys who already have roses still want to take time with Jojo from the guys who do not, the absence of Chad allows the remaining guys to see that those guys are not so great! Luke takes time away from the other guys to spout some cheesy lines “heart beats faster” “thinking about you.” Wells now notes what I just said “The wonderful thing about Chad…we had a common enemy, a distraction” Evan calls the rose guys “mini Chads” Aaron Rodger’s bro pulls Jojo aside to make out with her on the other side of the wall from the other guys. It looks as if the remaining guys might be able to hear the make out sounds.

Roses: The show dials up the music to let us know this is serious; we get a lot of commentary from Evan as we see each guy get called up but he gets the last rose which sends home Daniel (the Canadian and Chad’s boy…maybe he got booted because of his affiliation) and James F. Daniel says “She was going for personality and my personality is (bleeped)” he rants a bit more that he has the best body, and the “chance of her picking me is like me getting struck by lightning while (exaggerated pause as he tries to think of something) shaving my face.”

Jojo (J) tells the guys that they are off to Uruguay and makes sure to tell them it is in South America.
In Uruguay, Jordan aka Aaron Rodger’s Brother (ARB) gets the first one on one date: the other guys look ticked. Wells thinks Jordan is “just playing the game to get another stamp on his passport.”

One on One
As soon as ARB leaves the guys start to talk about him. The date goes to Isla de Lobos (famous for the largest colony of sea lions in the western hemisphere – see you learn from this blog) and while they are on the date the guys read some gossip mags that Vinny has. The mags indicate that J is still in love with her ex or may still be dating her ex.
Cut to the evening portion and J tells us that she met a girl that dated ARB and she was told that he was a terrible boyfriend. So she brings it up to ARB and he does a tonne of hair flips to try to stall, then admits that he did cheat on his ex. J is worried that ARB will cheat on her he says this reminds him of something his pastor told him growing up “Don’t tell a girl you love her until you are ready to put a ring on her finger” Church of Beyonce is clearly a thing. J is easily bowled over by his simplistic explanations because let’s just be honest, let’s just be real, she wanted any answer that didn’t sound like “and yeah I will cheat on you too.” ARB gets the rose and they walk off into a street festival as always happens on this show, random street parties or musicians we do not know, that is the staple of the franchise.

J gets back from her date with ARB and is telling us how magical it was but then a producer shows her one of the Vinny’s mags and tells her the guys have all seen it. I initially screenshot her face because it was epic, but I am too lazy to do much with it: J says she is furious at her ex and starts to cry. She says the ex doesn’t want her to be happy and that she used to love him, she does not want to be dragged back ‘to the terrible time in my life’ we see shots of her crying and saying “I hate him” which is a clip the show used to promote the season as if she was saying it about one of her suitors. I love that her ex’s name is Chad!

She goes to tell the guys about it and she is crying when she explains to the guys that “this is somebody that brought me to a bad place in my relationship with him.” She tells the guys that she is there for the right reasons.
Group date time and we head to Valizas Sand Dunes: with the B roll showing J standing isolated on top of a sand dune. They are going sand surfing. There is a tonne of tumbling over into the sand followed by a torrential downpour.
In the evening Derek gets the rose by playing the ‘I need to be reassured victim’ it annoys many of the guys.

One on one:
J plays with a dog and then Robbie, but let’s cut back to the house: and ARB (who is safe) brings up that many of the guys are on the block. Back to the date and they are jumping off a cliff, metaphor for dating…allow me to say Robbie has a much better body than I expected with that face…yeah, I said that. Back to the house and some guys are asking Derek what he thinks he did to get the rose, they brought up J’s words “that this guy needs reassurance.”
J tells Robbie that he has “emotional intelligence” sigh. His sob story, is that his best friend died last year in a car accident while texting his girlfriend. Because of that he realized that time is short so he quit his job, left his girl of three years and moved cities…he then tells J that he has fallen in love with her “I’m in love, I’m in love. I AM IN LOVE.” His ex is probably poking a Robbie doll right now (and justifiably). Fireworks go off in the background as J tells us “It feels so good to be loved…that after tonight I could see myself falling in love with him.”

Cocktail party/Rose Ceremony #2:
“Robbie, Chase, Alex and ARB have been ganging up on me” Derek tells us, so he pulls them aside and tells them “that it starts to look like a high school clique.”  Guys are offended that he chose the cocktail party time to do this (they revere the symbolism of this show so much). ARB comes back to the main group and thinking that he is a big dog tries to call Derek out by asking the whole group if they feel excluded turns out he didn’t get the reaction he wanted because Wells says “it took valor to tell you.” So ARB switches tact and tries to say to Derek “you said we all feel that way” Derek said “I did not.” In truth I do not remember him saying we, but this is not a show I care to rewind.
But J sends OMCH in to tell the group that she does not want to have a cocktail party and 3 guys are going home, Alex and his Napoleon complex somehow spins this into Derek’s fault “he took up all the time being sensitive” as if something that happens outside of J’s presence can affect her.

J arrives and gives her “blah blah blah guy I want to spend the rest of my life with” speech with. She says she cancelled the cocktail party because she knows it wouldn’t be fair [or maybe the show has been shooting overtime and they need to wrap the crew early]. Wells gets the final rose, not that shocking; Evan, Vinny and Grant (half) get sent home. So now the ethnic quotient has been completely washed out of the show…and the guys remaining look basically the same as every other final 10 of this show. Vinny is crying in his goodbye ITM…come on bro!

Wednesday, June 08, 2016

Bachelorette recap or 4 hours of "Is Jojo really the star of this show?"

Two nights of this…can I handle it? 4 hours of The Chad: 

We start with many of the guys napping and looking sleepy this is how I know I will feel after hour 4
OMCH (Obvious Man Chris Harrison) shows up to drop off date cards and warnings.
Chad is disappointed that he did not get a date, he thinks he is “killing it” with Jojo. 

Chase gets the one on one date:
Jojo (‘J’) wants to see if they can “cross that emotional” barrier. So we go to a Bachelor Trope and they go for a yoga session, it will be hot yoga. And the instructor asks “How long have you guys been intimate?” They tell her they have not been, and have only known each other for a week. Of course it is ‘sexual’ they do a move that is described as “kind of like an anger-gasm.” 

Cut from yoga to Daniel and Chad heavy lifting together with exaggerated grunting.

Back to yoga and they are being taught the Yab yum pose which basically just has J wrap her legs around Chase which puts their faces together so of course they make out. 

Evening portion:
He shares his sob story…parental divorce. He wants his marriage to be one and done… “a lifetime decision.” He gets the rose and J tells him there is one more surprise; it is Charles Kelly giving them their surprise intimate concert – Chase in his ITM looks like he is struggling to pretend as if he knew who Charles Kelly was before that night. If you are wondering why the name seems familiar but not a hit name by itself, it is because he is a part of Lady Antebellum. 

The group date card arrives and Chad who is on the group date expresses out loud that he doesn’t want to do the group date, the guys react angrily and some of them call him out, but he picks on Evan first (physically Evan looks like the weakest of the group that was calling him out) whose rebuke of him was the mildest then…

“Let’s hope that whatever competition it is, it is a bench pressing competition and not a spelling competition” said by Jordan directed at Chad and this leads to the Chad response that was used to promote this season of the show which now makes so much more sense in context, “You are a 27 year old failed football player you have done nothing with your life other than throw a piece of leather.” It is a low blow but I can see that Jordan struck first Chad just struck harder. Many of the guys take it to heart with Alex pointing to Chad and saying “I think we can all say that there is a solid sticking piece of s##t right over there.” Chad calls him a mofo and Alex tells him to “Try me bro” as someone who lives in a city filled with surfers and military “try me bro” is the clarion call of every weekend. Chad says Alex will need more tattoos to look tough and Alex tells him he is the biggest pussy in the house. 

Group Date:
Alex says he is excited to go with ten guys and one douche bag. The guys meet J and they are sitting through a one woman show called ‘Sex Talks’ with confused looks. The guys will have to give their own performances, Evan who works as an Erectile Dysfunction specialist is excited for the chance. These are the moments of this show that I find offensive, not because guys or girls are talking about sex, but because this ‘forces’ them to have to do it…Daniel the Canadian is a little too excited to do this. Chad shockingly agrees with me…uh oh. Evan has decided that he is going to use this forum to call out Chad, sounds risky. 

J just keeps throwing it out there that “I think sex is really important in a relationship” cool girl, but we got it the first five times. We actually get to see one of the guys showing off his cunnilingus skills. Now time for Evan to take shots at Chad: He tells a story of the dangers of steroid usage and he uses some of Chad’s mannerisms as examples of steroid usage. As he goes to sit down Chad grabs Evan and rips his shirt. It is then Chad’s turn and he asks J to the stage she is hesitant and checks in on Evan first. Chad then plays the macho bro role of not telling a sex story, telling J that his only concern is for their future and then tries to kiss her in front of everyone (too much like ownership brah) to which she does the instant turn away move and gives him the cheek and a gentle push away. The guys and additional audience members watching roar in delight, with Alex standing up to applaud and say “Crash and burn brother.” Chad then throws the mic away when he cannot get it back into the mic stand. 

The guys go back stage as J and the audience deliberate, Chad walks right up to Evan puts his hand around his neck and goes “You are going to die you piece of s##t” Evan does not back down but also does not retaliate. Daniel tries to calm Chad down while censoring him for his actions (good for him) – Chad, if the guy who says he finds humor in bodily fluids and his favorite is poop is reprimanding you, you know you have gone too far! 

Evening portion:
And the dates are all going mellow, but we know this is the quiet before the storm and so we see Chad try to walk up and interrupt a date. He makes it awkward by sitting close to the date and loudly moving furniture and whistling, “Some guys feel they need to push boundaries and to test the big guy.” Vinny asks “how do you feel when you went to kiss her and she turned the cheek?” Chad says he would have turned the cheek also. Chad then tries to insinuate that the Evan shirt ripping incident was Evan’s fault – that Evan tried to push past him. 

Evan decides to call Chad out “Hey, Chad why are you here?” Chad says Evan is bullying him…uhmm yeah! 

Cut to the house where some of the guys are waiting for the one on one date card, a guys says “if the date card does not have my name on it, I will go cry in a corner somewhere.” 

Back to the group date and Chad is creeping in the background while J is on the different quick dates. Chad keeps sharing his personal thoughts on the guys while telling us that “most of the guys are immature.” He finally gets some time with J and tells J that Evan was “the little kid who tried to beat up the bully?” “So you are the bully?” “No I am not the bully, well he is bullying the bully” J: “Don’t be the bully!” Evan comes along and interrupts Chad’s time with J which of course causes Chad to internally rage, then he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and says “Hey buddy” while preening. 

Evan foolishly gives J an ultimatum, it is Chad or him! The thing about a power play like this, even if you get rid of Chad, you have made J less a fan of yours and more watchful of you. Even the slightest flaw you have will forever make her think “Should I have kept the other guy?” Should we also point out that Evan has THREE kids? This is not exactly a guy without some things that could cause a girl to think long and hard about keeping him. 

J pulls Evan aside before presenting the group date rose and the first thing she brings up “You are an amazing father” told you dude! J tells him that she wants to give him the rose but she is not sure he will accept it given the situation - showing that he is a man of convictions, he accepts it even after J has warned him that she is not going to boot Chad just because he wants her to. Evan accepts the rose and gushes that he got to make out with J. When they return to the group Chad has a look of shock…don’t worry brah we all wonder what is going on here.

Chad says to J “Is this real? Is this a real situation?” J asks him what his problem is he goes “You are actually vibing this dude right now?” J tells him to stop being disrespectful. Alex tells us he is going to DVR this “and watch it over and over again.” Chad “no girl on earth ever chooses Evan, except to come sweep their front yard.” On the limo bus back to the house Chad looks like he could murder every single guy in there with him.

One of the guys says he does not feel safe sleeping next to Chad. A security guard has been hired to watch over Chad. 

One on One Date:
James Taylor Faker is taken by J to a swing dance lesson taught by who I can only guess is Betty White’s older sister. Post lesson they walk out onto the street and there is a group of performers having a swing dance, showing that the lessons didn’t stick J and J flail around to the music. 

Back to house and Daniel is trying to talk to Chad who is of course eating, Daniel is telling Chad that associating with him is hurting his standing in the house. Daniel to Chad “pretend you are Hitler” Chad “I don’t want to be Hitler” “Okay, pretend that you are Mussolini” this analogy does NOT seem safe! Daniel then says “let’s pretend you are Donald Trump…Mussolini…George Bush” hahahahahah oh man the presumptive Republican Presidential candidate and the last Republican president were both compared to Hitler, Mussolini and CHAD…like I predicted, the analogy was not safe. 

Back to the boring date with James, J is telling us she is not sure there is a future there between her and James. James shares his sob story; he got picked on as a kid this is why he considers himself an underdog. He tells J that he does not think he is good looking enough for a girl like her…blah blah he gets the rose and breaks out his guitar – we all think he is just on this to further his career right? 

Chad is working out and grunting and the guys are watching him. OMCH shows up to say that the night’s cocktail party will be cancelled but instead J will spend all day hanging out with the guys at a pool party, Chad mocks that privately.

 As OMCH goes to leave Evan follows him out to snitch…now look I understand someone having concerns, BUT, you raised it to J she told you “NO”, to go behind her back and tell OMCH is rude and paternalistic…the girl cannot do the decision you want her to do so you tell her ‘father figure.’ Evan you are pathetic, Chad is in many ways a terrible human being, but let J figure that out for herself! 

So now OMCH is out there lecturing Chad and telling him that he needs to make peace with Evan. Chad claims he is going to do just that, but instead he looks like he is going to turn the house into a scene from Game of Thrones. 

The blooper reel shows James talking to a producer with both of them freaking out over a moth

Okay on to the Next Episode: Can I survive one more? 

Chad comes into the house and gives an apology of sorts as required by OMCH. Evan says “Chad you owe me a new shirt and an apology.” Chad tells them if they give him space he will be good with them. He gets to stay. J shows up and Chad is the first to meet her at the door. J gets down to her bikini because there is no way the show was going to let her not show off what the trainer hath wroth. We see two guys jumping into the pool with a reference to two memes near and dear to my heart ‘RKO out of nowhere’ and ‘His name is John Cena’ (look them up you olds).
The guys pretend to be synchronized swimmers entering the pool and somehow Evan comes up from that bleeding…everyone jokingly blames Chad (maybe we should be afraid that he can move objects with his mind).

J is worried that she likes Aaron Rodgers’ brother more than he likes her. They make out; she makes out with a lot of guys this round. But, a lot of guys are bringing Chad up in their convos with J; Chad confronts Derek for speaking about him to J, Derek pretended he did not, only to realize that Chad overheard his conversation with J. Chad takes Derek to the side to have a conversation, some of the guys ask him if he will need backup. Chad opens the conversation with “Whatever guy stole your girlfriend that looked like me…is not me!” Derek does not back down in the confrontation and tells Chad that he is concerned that Chad is unstable. 

Cocktail Party:
The guys all just mill around wondering if Chad will get a rose. Tonnes of dramatic music and glances at Chad as each name is called, OMCH shows up to tell us one rose remains and Chad is still standing there, but come on we know he is getting it and he does! This leaves a lot of pissed off guys and wait, what is this, the half black guy that was featured coming in and Ali the Persian guy there goes the diversity. Evan says it “feels like a kick in the ass.”
J says that because of all the negativity she has decided that they are leaving the mansion for good to go have some fun…She decided it? I am guessing the lease on the mansion has run out.
The group goes off to Pennsylvania because when you think fairy tale romance you think Nemacolin, PA. 

Luke gets the first one on one date card:
They go dog sledding (of a sort) and come upon a wood fired hot tub, so Luke has to chop some wood to feed the fire and then strip down to be ogled by J. But…it turns out they got it too hot. Luke tells J that he grew up on a ranch J responds “you wouldn’t know that by looking at you” how should he look J? Of course there is making out. 

Back to the house and the show spends a lot of time panning the camera up and down Chad's shirtless torso while cutting to video of a bear with Chad talking in the background and saying "don't poke the Chad bear." The group date card shows up which leaves just Alex and Chad to go on the 2 on one date...dun dun dunnnnnn. 

Back to the date J says 'like' a lot, I have spotted that recently I have been saying 'like' more than I would like to (couldn't resist) and I think the culprit was last season's Bachelor and this podcast that I listen to where one of the hosts says "like" every other sentence. I have consciously started to remove 'like' from my vocabulary, and attempting to substitute pretty much anything for it. 

Luke shares his 'sob story' his is an actual sad story unlike so many of the other guys, (unless he is faking it, and I do not want to look it up to find out) someone he was close to in the military died. He of course gets the rose. J says "I have one more surprise" which musical act that no one knows is it going to be? J takes him to a concert hall where there is an adoring crowd with all their camera phones trained on them and they get on the concert stage to start making out while 'Dan+Shay' perform for them (these guys at least went to number 1 on the country charts). 

Group Date
The guys get to go to Heinz Field and they get to meet Ben Roethlisberger (cool I guess, but I cannot especially on a show like this forget that he has been accused of sexual assault, not just once but twice) Brett Keisel and Hines Ward so that they can show off their manly skills. The guys run through skills tests and bash each other around, James Faker suffers a split eye and while the medic recommends stitches James refuses because he doesn't want to lose time on the date...blood is streaming down his face. 

Back to the house and Luke is sitting in between Alex and Chad and there is palpable tension. 

Back on the date the guys are squared off into 2 teams Evan appears to be spending more time on his 'look' than on his preparation for the game. Aaron Rodger's little brother gets to play all time QB which of course makes sense and locks him into getting to go to the after party no matter what. Blue team was the clear under dog with Evan (who started bleeding again), James, Vinny et al and they came back from losing to tying the game and with 6 seconds left the White team has the ball and is driving into the end zone when Blue strips the ball and takes it in for a last second touch down and win. 

The losing team had to return home while the winner get evening time with J. J appears to kiss every guy that she gets alone time with, impressive. J is clearly smitten by Aaron Rodger's little brother whom she considers an enigma which of course leads to kissing. Jordan 'earns' the date rose. 

The date card arrives and Chad blows up at the other guys after they question him about his reasons for wanting to be with J. He starts yelling at guys and telling them to meet him outside (if you want to fight just fight, do not posture). 

Two on one date:

Before the date begins the guys are talking about Chad behind his back but he hears them and he goes OFF: "Jordan you think this is a show and you think you are safe for now, but one day this ends and when this ends you go home. When you go home, you think I cannot find you? You think I wont go out of my way to come to your house? I am dead f$%king serious.” "You think I am scared of you?" "I think you should be." Whew I thought I was the only person that harbored that kind of willingness to wait for prey! All the other guys are sitting on a long L shaped couch and Chad is sitting behind them on a solo seat just staring at them all.

The helicopter budget finally kicks in for this episode and comes to pick up the 2 Alpha Bros for the date.

After a long hike the 3 daters awkwardly share a picnic blanket so J first takes Alex aside to talk to him,
Alex starts to fill J in on all the aggression that Chad has shared with the group - normally I think it is a bad move to speak about your opponents during your time, but in this case if you can communicate it quickly and calmly to the person who asked the question and just not linger on it it is probably fine. 

Chad's time with J has her trying to initially figure out whether what the guys have said about Chad is true. J asks Chad if he threatened to find Jordan after the show, Chad tries to downplay it even smiling. J says she is disappointed in Chad because she gave him a second chance, she says that threatening to beat someone up is not the move and Chad with a straight face replies "so that they would leave me alone...if you have a better way I would love to hear it." yup that is the best plan Chad always threaten to kill peeps who annoy you. And you sell luxury homes for a living?

J walks off because she says she needs time to think...about this? J keeps saying that the fact that Chad's mom passed away six months ago is the reason that this is a struggle for her. Chad says he has no option left because Alex keeps getting in his business, so we see Chad stalking through the woods to go back to find Alex on the picnic blanket while whistling: He lies down on the blanket and then says to Alex "I am not mad at you, I am just disappointed....It is just unfortunate that I cannot hurt you right now without getting in trouble." Chad:"Have a glass of milk" Alex: "I don't like milk" "You should, milk is delicious." This really was a part of their argument. By the way, milk is really delicious.

Alex “Chad is a fake disingenuing person” the word is disingenuous bro, but I give you points for trying to get close!

J finally says "Chad I don't think that you are the person that you say you are" so she gives the rose to Alex and in franchise tradition they leave him out in the woods. Chad asks out loud "is this real? Am I getting punked right now?" The guys in the house when seeing whose luggage is removed start cheering and toasting. Back to the woods and it is now dark instead of light and we see Chad still stomping around, makes me wonder if he told the show I am going to walk off this anger...he says to the Camera "now I am going to have to go and find Alex" to beat him up...turns out Chad walked all the way up to the cabin where the guys are staying? Didn't they fly a helicopter to the hike? Chad is seeing knocking on the door and running his fingers down the glass pane. The dreaded 'to be continued' comes up!

The Blooper reel has Daniel and Evan walking to the hot tub Daniel tricks Evan into thinking he is going to go in nude, it is a well done prank and better than I would ever have given him credit for.

Wednesday, June 01, 2016

Bachelorette recap or Chad teaches us the special ingredients in protein shakes

We do the cheesy pan shot of the CA coast line and the usual monologue of the lead telling us they are hopeful that they will find love. Kim sees the ‘James Taylor’ chyron and calls it “the dumbest thing she has ever seen” she means for today, she sees my typing and corrects me “I have seen a lot of dumb things today.” 

Chad proves the text I got from E  “He is the bitchy narrator” correct instantly and immediately starts monologuing 2 minutes into the show.

The budget for this show has stepped up and they explode a limo for the effect of having Jojo show up on a fire truck “When Jojo jumped out of that fire truck she was smoking, the limo wasn’t the only thing on fire” “I was thinking you can spray me down any day” (Jojo is operating the fire hose). Chad calls the group leaving  the “B team.” I suspect this blog will often have the words “Chad says.”'

Chad has a whole suitcase of just protein powders and supplements; he then straps that to himself as he does pull-ups. The guys call him “meat head to the max.” He of course is doing the pull-ups sans shirt.

The B-team is off to pretend that they are firefighters. Grant is a real firefighter…shouldn’t someone have thought this through? Jojo says “The guys are looking good…pretty much the hottest date I have ever been on” (Cheesy smile to the camera) Daniel then pops up (after a challenging of running with the fire hose) “The last time I was pulling hose like that I was in my apartment” (Cheesier smile to the camera).

Wells does not look like he is built for physical exertion, and probably shouldn’t be doing it with gear on. The EMTs have to be called to help him out. As James F pointed out “We all felt bad for him until he started getting more one on one time with Jojo.”

The guys remaining in the home have created a song to sing to Jojo Chad points out that they all already seem obsessed “with a girl they just met” and whom “they basically do not know.”

The top 3 for the firefighter challenge includes Grant…shocking? And Wells and Luke, yes you read that right, Wells was included in the top 3 “for not giving up” don’t worry he was just as shocked as you. Luke is still listed as the ‘war veteran’ and he puts in a good job but pouts when Grant wins. The whole thing felt rigged to make Grant go further than the typical minority candidate on this show…is this Affirmative Action? Gasp, there are about to be a whole bunch of pissed off white guys! Jojo “I would certainly say that Grant is a hero” as we see her making out with him.

Derek gets the first one on one card. The guys tell him to stop smiling.

Back to the group date and the rest of the guys start to get one on one time, Wells is up first; He starts with jokes about his incompetence at the fire challenge. Half of what is helping him here is that he is wittier than the other guys, but then again a man amongst guerrillas will always stand out. Jojo is an aggressive kisser she goes in for it, Luke after giving his sob story (see any prior season of this show) goes for a hug, Jojo instead went for the kiss…you go girl (yeah it does not fit me I felt weird typing it). Wells gets the rose and Luke tells us that he is hurt by it.

One on on date:
Jojo tells Derek that the date is unplanned, it is basically a choose your own adventure type of date. As they leave the gate the options are given “Sky” or “Sea” they both of course pick “Sky” if you have ever seen this show you know Sky means helicopters, Balloons, private jets. At the airport the option is “North” or “South” the idiots pick North MORONS go south, warmer beaches and a more exotic lifestyle (makes me wonder if the producers said No). In San Francisco the choices are “Golden Gate” or “Lombard street” they pick GG.

Back to the house and the main group is  still practicing their song “I always warn girls, stay away from nice guys” said by Chad as he is jabbing his finger. Chad  “If you were making a protein shake made up of all the guys here”, Daniel “what kind of a shake would it be?”  Chad "If you're making a protein shake made out of the group of dudes here and blended it up, half of that dude protein shake would have zero chance” Some of the guys are disappointed when their names are not called on the new date card. Chad points out to them “You have gone your whole life without Jojo” he is a bro, he is a brutally honest bro, but he has moments of lucidity in all that protein haze.

Back to the one on one: J (I am tired of typing that made up name) asks the usual “what happened to your last relationship” type question and Derek feigns sadness. I am thinking he is going to confess that he is a virgin but instead he says that in his last relationship he was ready to get married but his girl ended up cheating on him. “I think I have told myself that I am being open” oh no another wanker playing the ‘unloveable’ card. The minute Ben Higgins parlayed that move into becoming the Bachelor I knew we would be plagued with it. J says that means that they have a lot in common…yup basicness.

Group date time:
And the bros get to go to ESPN’s LA headquarters. The show ‘Sportsnation’ is being filmed with J pretending to be a host with Max and Marcellus. J claims that M and M called to offer to help her out, let’s just ignore that ESPN and ABC are both part of the Disney properties.  Jordan made sure to tell us that he “played football professionally and [my] brother is Aaron Rodgers so Marcellus may not like me” (because he used to sack QBs). James “Chad looks like a protein shake in a blender” after the guys did a spinning challenge. The guys have to do a fake proposal  Chad says simply “Will you marry me?” he gets called out for its simplicity so Chad jokes that J “is starting off a bit naggy here” I would hate this guy in person but on this show I love him.

Then the guys have to simulate a Press Conference and the question they all are asked “Who do you think is performing the worst?” and of course all the guys say Chad some immediately some with prodding. Part of the problem for these guys is that Chad is speaking too much truth to power, he has called them all out for immediately falling in love Alex “just because you are speaking the truth doesn’t mean you are right.”

M and M are doing the analysis of how they would power rank the guys, Chad’s VO “I think I am going to win it.” Chad comes in second with the guys calling him open and honest; Alex is hurt that he lost to Chad. But James Taylor Faker wins it all.

Evening portion and James gets to go first: “A smile is the only thing that you can see on the outside that comes from the inside” – James. Of course that ignores tears, mucus, blood, bile, vomit and my disgust at his simplistic logic. But, it earns him a “thank you kiss,” then a real kiss, that is noisy. Chad is analyzing the guys for us calling one the high school sweetheart type, labeling Alex as too short “you do not go from 6’4” to 5’4”’ “Nick is trying so hard, it is coming off as weird” “she doesn’t want a guy that will kiss her ass constantly” “most of the guys are coming off as kids” “They do not want what she needs, they do not have what any woman needs.” J thinks that Chad might be overcompensating for something, she asks him if he has been in love and he surprises me slightly by saying that he has and even more surprisingly he has a purse dog. We find out that he inherited the dog from his mom who passed away 6 months ago, that makes sense now, but I am still slightly surprised he hasn’t pawned the dog off. J and Chad go and drop coins in a wishing well and kiss I think he reminds J of her brother (I know it sounds a bit gross but look past that, they are the same macho-poseurs).

What’s this? Chad says he is starting to rethink the whole thing because…he is starting to have feelings for J…many of the guys are talking and saying that there is no way Chad can get the rose because it would make them have to reconsider everything, they are lying, they would all have remained if he got the rose. James Faker gets the rose and it leaves him in tears in his confessional.

Cocktail Party:
The guys are all looking around for Chad, not realizing that he was outside waiting for J’s limo to pull up. As soon as she does he asks her to go for a walk and sneaks a kiss before he walks her back in to see the group, he comes in strutting when he walks her in. The guys are now very wary of Chad. So some of them pull him over for a chat: have they not ever seen this show? This rarely goes well. Alex is the lead interrogator, with Jordan as the backup. While they are interrogating him Chad continues to demolish food, they even comment on it and he tells them it is delicious. They start to ask Chad about his interaction with J. They do not like his cavalier answers “they are just being super sensitive” – Chad. Someone makes a 'winter is coming' reference and on cue we cut to J with Chase and fake snow is falling with Chase claiming that because he didn’t get a date with her, he wants to bring a little piece of his world to her. Chad really, really likes to eat and keeps offering peeps plates of food. The guys start commenting on it. Vinny – “I don’t know if he is here for the free food or if he is here to find love.” “He would take an IV of meat if he could get one.” “Chad has consumed enough to feed a kindergarten group, maybe even a fifth grade. He has taken the term meathead to an unparalleled level.”

Chad interrupts an Alex conversation to talk to J and it leaves the guys fuming. J tells Chad that she finds him funny, never let it be said that she needs conversation and depth. “Whole bunch of butt-hurt dudes that are gonna confront you slightly” that is how Chad describes the guys who are giving him the talking to…he adds that it is like ‘West Side story’ and even does the dancing motion, “it is like a bunch of Care Bears.” Again he points out the obvious; “If you are going to do something, think out the end result” the guys confronted him but had no end game.

Chad then goes and interrupts Evan’s time when Evan comes back to the guys he tells them and the guys tell him he should have pushed back against Chad…they all say it of course after their own dates have been interrupted. So Alex goes to confront Chad and tells him that he is “probably creeping” J out. Alex tells him to go drink a beer or whatever he needs to chill out. Chad puts his finger in Alex’s face with a “f#$k you” Alex to his credit does not back down even when Chad threatens to displace his teeth. Alex tells us that he will with “no hesitation punch a guy like that in the face, I am literally about to drop my beer and if he touches my face again, I am about to drop that guy on his head.”

As the guys walk up to the rose ceremony Chad is still stuffing his face, even as J walks in Chad is still sneaking food to his mouth. First Rose to Alex “She’s gonna keep Alex around because she doesn’t want America to think that she hates short people” – come on by now you can guess who said that. 2nd Christian “Christian, Christian, I don’t even know who Christian is…another short guy” as we see him looking around for Christian. James S “Bachelor Superfan” I think thinks he was going to be the narrator of this episode but Chad took his role, wait till he sees this episode, he is not going to be happy. Chad “I think I will get a rose tonight, I should get a rose tonight, I will get a rose tonight!” 

Alex thinks that the rose symbolizes that one of the best bachelors in the country is here, if Chad gets it “It will symbolize, just garbage.” – it is not that serious brah! And of course after much suspense, Chad gets the final rose! Crestfallen looks on many of the guys, including the “Super fan” well if you are a super fan at least you got to see inside the mansion and 2 rose ceremonies in person you must be loving life.

“I will not write her a song about how much I love her, I am just going to keep eating protein shakes, and eating some food” oh Chad. The promo for next week’s two night episode arc has OMCH calling it a “double dose of Chad.”
The blooper reel has Christian stripping down to his skivvies and inviting J into a bubble bath.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.