Infrequently updated consistently funny

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Bachelorette recap or all Chad are bad?

I mock this show all the time, but when it was gone last week I missed it! I have got a friend at work that cannot stop talking, to the point that even my boss is annoyed now, but no matter how many warning she gets she will not shut up…this is my move with the Bach/ette franchises I warn myself that this is not healthy but I keep going back.

You might recall that on the last episode the Chad, is being sent home but…he stalks through the woods to go and find the other guys! Nemacolin, PA is not ready for this Chad storm. The guys hold a mock funeral for Chad, and spread his protein powder like ashes – wasteful and petty…and cowardly because it is done when he is not there BUT WAIT, what is this? Chad is knocking on the front door and now dragging his fingers down the glass panes of the door. Evan in his ITM says “I hope he is not here for his protein powder” coward.

Chad tells the guys that he felt backed into a corner, but refuses to apologize to them. He says that when the group attacked him the only thing he could think to do is to get physical. Aaron Rodger’s brother shows me that he is braver than I expected by standing up to Chad. But Evan does a foolish move of asking Chad to pay him for his shirt that was ripped, son just get that money from production (thanks to Evan Old Navy shirts were a trending twitter topic).
When Alex walks in, the guys put him on their shoulders and start chanting “Dragon Slayer!” mysteriously a cake and sparklers show up and of course they dunk Alex’s face into it…I am sure production had nothing to do with that!
Cocktail party/Rose Ceremony #1:

The guys are all expressing relief that Chad is no longer there. Robby gets a kiss, but many of the guys get to see it. But now that Chad is not there, new villains have to emerge and now that the guys who already have roses still want to take time with Jojo from the guys who do not, the absence of Chad allows the remaining guys to see that those guys are not so great! Luke takes time away from the other guys to spout some cheesy lines “heart beats faster” “thinking about you.” Wells now notes what I just said “The wonderful thing about Chad…we had a common enemy, a distraction” Evan calls the rose guys “mini Chads” Aaron Rodger’s bro pulls Jojo aside to make out with her on the other side of the wall from the other guys. It looks as if the remaining guys might be able to hear the make out sounds.

Roses: The show dials up the music to let us know this is serious; we get a lot of commentary from Evan as we see each guy get called up but he gets the last rose which sends home Daniel (the Canadian and Chad’s boy…maybe he got booted because of his affiliation) and James F. Daniel says “She was going for personality and my personality is (bleeped)” he rants a bit more that he has the best body, and the “chance of her picking me is like me getting struck by lightning while (exaggerated pause as he tries to think of something) shaving my face.”

Jojo (J) tells the guys that they are off to Uruguay and makes sure to tell them it is in South America.
In Uruguay, Jordan aka Aaron Rodger’s Brother (ARB) gets the first one on one date: the other guys look ticked. Wells thinks Jordan is “just playing the game to get another stamp on his passport.”

One on One
As soon as ARB leaves the guys start to talk about him. The date goes to Isla de Lobos (famous for the largest colony of sea lions in the western hemisphere – see you learn from this blog) and while they are on the date the guys read some gossip mags that Vinny has. The mags indicate that J is still in love with her ex or may still be dating her ex.
Cut to the evening portion and J tells us that she met a girl that dated ARB and she was told that he was a terrible boyfriend. So she brings it up to ARB and he does a tonne of hair flips to try to stall, then admits that he did cheat on his ex. J is worried that ARB will cheat on her he says this reminds him of something his pastor told him growing up “Don’t tell a girl you love her until you are ready to put a ring on her finger” Church of Beyonce is clearly a thing. J is easily bowled over by his simplistic explanations because let’s just be honest, let’s just be real, she wanted any answer that didn’t sound like “and yeah I will cheat on you too.” ARB gets the rose and they walk off into a street festival as always happens on this show, random street parties or musicians we do not know, that is the staple of the franchise.

J gets back from her date with ARB and is telling us how magical it was but then a producer shows her one of the Vinny’s mags and tells her the guys have all seen it. I initially screenshot her face because it was epic, but I am too lazy to do much with it: J says she is furious at her ex and starts to cry. She says the ex doesn’t want her to be happy and that she used to love him, she does not want to be dragged back ‘to the terrible time in my life’ we see shots of her crying and saying “I hate him” which is a clip the show used to promote the season as if she was saying it about one of her suitors. I love that her ex’s name is Chad!

She goes to tell the guys about it and she is crying when she explains to the guys that “this is somebody that brought me to a bad place in my relationship with him.” She tells the guys that she is there for the right reasons.
Group date time and we head to Valizas Sand Dunes: with the B roll showing J standing isolated on top of a sand dune. They are going sand surfing. There is a tonne of tumbling over into the sand followed by a torrential downpour.
In the evening Derek gets the rose by playing the ‘I need to be reassured victim’ it annoys many of the guys.

One on one:
J plays with a dog and then Robbie, but let’s cut back to the house: and ARB (who is safe) brings up that many of the guys are on the block. Back to the date and they are jumping off a cliff, metaphor for dating…allow me to say Robbie has a much better body than I expected with that face…yeah, I said that. Back to the house and some guys are asking Derek what he thinks he did to get the rose, they brought up J’s words “that this guy needs reassurance.”
J tells Robbie that he has “emotional intelligence” sigh. His sob story, is that his best friend died last year in a car accident while texting his girlfriend. Because of that he realized that time is short so he quit his job, left his girl of three years and moved cities…he then tells J that he has fallen in love with her “I’m in love, I’m in love. I AM IN LOVE.” His ex is probably poking a Robbie doll right now (and justifiably). Fireworks go off in the background as J tells us “It feels so good to be loved…that after tonight I could see myself falling in love with him.”

Cocktail party/Rose Ceremony #2:
“Robbie, Chase, Alex and ARB have been ganging up on me” Derek tells us, so he pulls them aside and tells them “that it starts to look like a high school clique.”  Guys are offended that he chose the cocktail party time to do this (they revere the symbolism of this show so much). ARB comes back to the main group and thinking that he is a big dog tries to call Derek out by asking the whole group if they feel excluded turns out he didn’t get the reaction he wanted because Wells says “it took valor to tell you.” So ARB switches tact and tries to say to Derek “you said we all feel that way” Derek said “I did not.” In truth I do not remember him saying we, but this is not a show I care to rewind.
But J sends OMCH in to tell the group that she does not want to have a cocktail party and 3 guys are going home, Alex and his Napoleon complex somehow spins this into Derek’s fault “he took up all the time being sensitive” as if something that happens outside of J’s presence can affect her.

J arrives and gives her “blah blah blah guy I want to spend the rest of my life with” speech with. She says she cancelled the cocktail party because she knows it wouldn’t be fair [or maybe the show has been shooting overtime and they need to wrap the crew early]. Wells gets the final rose, not that shocking; Evan, Vinny and Grant (half) get sent home. So now the ethnic quotient has been completely washed out of the show…and the guys remaining look basically the same as every other final 10 of this show. Vinny is crying in his goodbye ITM…come on bro!

No comments:

Blog Archive

About Me

My photo
Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.