Infrequently updated consistently funny

Wednesday, June 01, 2016

Bachelorette recap or Chad teaches us the special ingredients in protein shakes

We do the cheesy pan shot of the CA coast line and the usual monologue of the lead telling us they are hopeful that they will find love. Kim sees the ‘James Taylor’ chyron and calls it “the dumbest thing she has ever seen” she means for today, she sees my typing and corrects me “I have seen a lot of dumb things today.” 

Chad proves the text I got from E  “He is the bitchy narrator” correct instantly and immediately starts monologuing 2 minutes into the show.

The budget for this show has stepped up and they explode a limo for the effect of having Jojo show up on a fire truck “When Jojo jumped out of that fire truck she was smoking, the limo wasn’t the only thing on fire” “I was thinking you can spray me down any day” (Jojo is operating the fire hose). Chad calls the group leaving  the “B team.” I suspect this blog will often have the words “Chad says.”'

Chad has a whole suitcase of just protein powders and supplements; he then straps that to himself as he does pull-ups. The guys call him “meat head to the max.” He of course is doing the pull-ups sans shirt.

The B-team is off to pretend that they are firefighters. Grant is a real firefighter…shouldn’t someone have thought this through? Jojo says “The guys are looking good…pretty much the hottest date I have ever been on” (Cheesy smile to the camera) Daniel then pops up (after a challenging of running with the fire hose) “The last time I was pulling hose like that I was in my apartment” (Cheesier smile to the camera).

Wells does not look like he is built for physical exertion, and probably shouldn’t be doing it with gear on. The EMTs have to be called to help him out. As James F pointed out “We all felt bad for him until he started getting more one on one time with Jojo.”

The guys remaining in the home have created a song to sing to Jojo Chad points out that they all already seem obsessed “with a girl they just met” and whom “they basically do not know.”

The top 3 for the firefighter challenge includes Grant…shocking? And Wells and Luke, yes you read that right, Wells was included in the top 3 “for not giving up” don’t worry he was just as shocked as you. Luke is still listed as the ‘war veteran’ and he puts in a good job but pouts when Grant wins. The whole thing felt rigged to make Grant go further than the typical minority candidate on this show…is this Affirmative Action? Gasp, there are about to be a whole bunch of pissed off white guys! Jojo “I would certainly say that Grant is a hero” as we see her making out with him.

Derek gets the first one on one card. The guys tell him to stop smiling.

Back to the group date and the rest of the guys start to get one on one time, Wells is up first; He starts with jokes about his incompetence at the fire challenge. Half of what is helping him here is that he is wittier than the other guys, but then again a man amongst guerrillas will always stand out. Jojo is an aggressive kisser she goes in for it, Luke after giving his sob story (see any prior season of this show) goes for a hug, Jojo instead went for the kiss…you go girl (yeah it does not fit me I felt weird typing it). Wells gets the rose and Luke tells us that he is hurt by it.

One on on date:
Jojo tells Derek that the date is unplanned, it is basically a choose your own adventure type of date. As they leave the gate the options are given “Sky” or “Sea” they both of course pick “Sky” if you have ever seen this show you know Sky means helicopters, Balloons, private jets. At the airport the option is “North” or “South” the idiots pick North MORONS go south, warmer beaches and a more exotic lifestyle (makes me wonder if the producers said No). In San Francisco the choices are “Golden Gate” or “Lombard street” they pick GG.

Back to the house and the main group is  still practicing their song “I always warn girls, stay away from nice guys” said by Chad as he is jabbing his finger. Chad  “If you were making a protein shake made up of all the guys here”, Daniel “what kind of a shake would it be?”  Chad "If you're making a protein shake made out of the group of dudes here and blended it up, half of that dude protein shake would have zero chance” Some of the guys are disappointed when their names are not called on the new date card. Chad points out to them “You have gone your whole life without Jojo” he is a bro, he is a brutally honest bro, but he has moments of lucidity in all that protein haze.

Back to the one on one: J (I am tired of typing that made up name) asks the usual “what happened to your last relationship” type question and Derek feigns sadness. I am thinking he is going to confess that he is a virgin but instead he says that in his last relationship he was ready to get married but his girl ended up cheating on him. “I think I have told myself that I am being open” oh no another wanker playing the ‘unloveable’ card. The minute Ben Higgins parlayed that move into becoming the Bachelor I knew we would be plagued with it. J says that means that they have a lot in common…yup basicness.

Group date time:
And the bros get to go to ESPN’s LA headquarters. The show ‘Sportsnation’ is being filmed with J pretending to be a host with Max and Marcellus. J claims that M and M called to offer to help her out, let’s just ignore that ESPN and ABC are both part of the Disney properties.  Jordan made sure to tell us that he “played football professionally and [my] brother is Aaron Rodgers so Marcellus may not like me” (because he used to sack QBs). James “Chad looks like a protein shake in a blender” after the guys did a spinning challenge. The guys have to do a fake proposal  Chad says simply “Will you marry me?” he gets called out for its simplicity so Chad jokes that J “is starting off a bit naggy here” I would hate this guy in person but on this show I love him.

Then the guys have to simulate a Press Conference and the question they all are asked “Who do you think is performing the worst?” and of course all the guys say Chad some immediately some with prodding. Part of the problem for these guys is that Chad is speaking too much truth to power, he has called them all out for immediately falling in love Alex “just because you are speaking the truth doesn’t mean you are right.”

M and M are doing the analysis of how they would power rank the guys, Chad’s VO “I think I am going to win it.” Chad comes in second with the guys calling him open and honest; Alex is hurt that he lost to Chad. But James Taylor Faker wins it all.

Evening portion and James gets to go first: “A smile is the only thing that you can see on the outside that comes from the inside” – James. Of course that ignores tears, mucus, blood, bile, vomit and my disgust at his simplistic logic. But, it earns him a “thank you kiss,” then a real kiss, that is noisy. Chad is analyzing the guys for us calling one the high school sweetheart type, labeling Alex as too short “you do not go from 6’4” to 5’4”’ “Nick is trying so hard, it is coming off as weird” “she doesn’t want a guy that will kiss her ass constantly” “most of the guys are coming off as kids” “They do not want what she needs, they do not have what any woman needs.” J thinks that Chad might be overcompensating for something, she asks him if he has been in love and he surprises me slightly by saying that he has and even more surprisingly he has a purse dog. We find out that he inherited the dog from his mom who passed away 6 months ago, that makes sense now, but I am still slightly surprised he hasn’t pawned the dog off. J and Chad go and drop coins in a wishing well and kiss I think he reminds J of her brother (I know it sounds a bit gross but look past that, they are the same macho-poseurs).

What’s this? Chad says he is starting to rethink the whole thing because…he is starting to have feelings for J…many of the guys are talking and saying that there is no way Chad can get the rose because it would make them have to reconsider everything, they are lying, they would all have remained if he got the rose. James Faker gets the rose and it leaves him in tears in his confessional.

Cocktail Party:
The guys are all looking around for Chad, not realizing that he was outside waiting for J’s limo to pull up. As soon as she does he asks her to go for a walk and sneaks a kiss before he walks her back in to see the group, he comes in strutting when he walks her in. The guys are now very wary of Chad. So some of them pull him over for a chat: have they not ever seen this show? This rarely goes well. Alex is the lead interrogator, with Jordan as the backup. While they are interrogating him Chad continues to demolish food, they even comment on it and he tells them it is delicious. They start to ask Chad about his interaction with J. They do not like his cavalier answers “they are just being super sensitive” – Chad. Someone makes a 'winter is coming' reference and on cue we cut to J with Chase and fake snow is falling with Chase claiming that because he didn’t get a date with her, he wants to bring a little piece of his world to her. Chad really, really likes to eat and keeps offering peeps plates of food. The guys start commenting on it. Vinny – “I don’t know if he is here for the free food or if he is here to find love.” “He would take an IV of meat if he could get one.” “Chad has consumed enough to feed a kindergarten group, maybe even a fifth grade. He has taken the term meathead to an unparalleled level.”

Chad interrupts an Alex conversation to talk to J and it leaves the guys fuming. J tells Chad that she finds him funny, never let it be said that she needs conversation and depth. “Whole bunch of butt-hurt dudes that are gonna confront you slightly” that is how Chad describes the guys who are giving him the talking to…he adds that it is like ‘West Side story’ and even does the dancing motion, “it is like a bunch of Care Bears.” Again he points out the obvious; “If you are going to do something, think out the end result” the guys confronted him but had no end game.

Chad then goes and interrupts Evan’s time when Evan comes back to the guys he tells them and the guys tell him he should have pushed back against Chad…they all say it of course after their own dates have been interrupted. So Alex goes to confront Chad and tells him that he is “probably creeping” J out. Alex tells him to go drink a beer or whatever he needs to chill out. Chad puts his finger in Alex’s face with a “f#$k you” Alex to his credit does not back down even when Chad threatens to displace his teeth. Alex tells us that he will with “no hesitation punch a guy like that in the face, I am literally about to drop my beer and if he touches my face again, I am about to drop that guy on his head.”

As the guys walk up to the rose ceremony Chad is still stuffing his face, even as J walks in Chad is still sneaking food to his mouth. First Rose to Alex “She’s gonna keep Alex around because she doesn’t want America to think that she hates short people” – come on by now you can guess who said that. 2nd Christian “Christian, Christian, I don’t even know who Christian is…another short guy” as we see him looking around for Christian. James S “Bachelor Superfan” I think thinks he was going to be the narrator of this episode but Chad took his role, wait till he sees this episode, he is not going to be happy. Chad “I think I will get a rose tonight, I should get a rose tonight, I will get a rose tonight!” 

Alex thinks that the rose symbolizes that one of the best bachelors in the country is here, if Chad gets it “It will symbolize, just garbage.” – it is not that serious brah! And of course after much suspense, Chad gets the final rose! Crestfallen looks on many of the guys, including the “Super fan” well if you are a super fan at least you got to see inside the mansion and 2 rose ceremonies in person you must be loving life.

“I will not write her a song about how much I love her, I am just going to keep eating protein shakes, and eating some food” oh Chad. The promo for next week’s two night episode arc has OMCH calling it a “double dose of Chad.”
The blooper reel has Christian stripping down to his skivvies and inviting J into a bubble bath.

1 comment:

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.