Infrequently updated consistently funny

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The bachelorette returns, and...Damn Daniel…don’t get so drunk

Every bloody season I rant, I rave, I say there is not enough colour, I call myself a bad person and yet still…I watch.
Welcome back Bachelorette, I have missed you.

You know what? There is a slight comfort to familiarity (even if the claim is that it breeds contempt) I am so used to OMCH (Obvious Man Chris Harrison) telling me that this season will be “The most exciting/emotional BLAH BLAH” so imagine my surprise when I suddenly hear the words “welcome to the finale of Dancing With the Stars” I thought the producers were trying to pull a fast one on me, but it turns out I just have fat fingers and clicked on the wrong show! Whew I only have room for at least 15 crappy shows in my life, I cannot add more. THANK GOD for HD phones and tablets, they make watching anywhere a pleasure. Yes I know I should be thankful for life and health etc. but what good are those things in a standard definition world?

We get a bit of preamble about JoJo being sad about Ben not picking her, the cynic in me always thinks the new Bach or –Ette is always much more happy to be the star of their own show than to have found love on the prior show. This option allows you to pick the person you think is best for you plus gives you your own national exposure - oh and it gives you a 2-3 month vacation.
Before even getting to the show both E and K sent me texts the gist of which were; ‘half of these guys look the same.’

Dez, Kaitlyn and Ally (former Bachelorettes) let us know they still do not have regular jobs by showing up ‘to help’ Jojo with her planning for the show. This is a gab fest to the extreme and leaves me feeling a little dirty, the show is already intrusive enough but to be fake intrusive – to sit in on this made for tv pretense of sisterhood is just ‘icky’.

Before night one we get a rundown of the guys and what they do…Grant is a firefighter from the Bay Area so better hope peeps in San Fran are not dropping matches from their hand rolled cigarettes. Jordan’s career is “Former Pro Quarterback” turns out he is the younger brother of Aaron Rogers…uhm I am pretty much a sports fanatic (I know it does not seem to jive with the viewing of this show) and I barely know this kid, how can he still be claiming ‘former’ as the big job to use? Alex is a U.S. Marine so, so, far it has been 3 muscular dudes who all kind of look like each other…the text messages make so much sense now. Alex has a twin who is also a marine and they have a heart to heart on camera because of course that is where you do these things. James’ career is ‘Bachelor fan’ oh come on now you are just trolling us producers!

Evan is an ‘Erectile Dysfunction specialist’ who is a former pastor and this is how he now “lifts spirits” he does a dozen euphemisms for his job. Ali is a bartender whose parents moved from Iran, this will count as part of the ethnic quota. Christian is a ‘Telecom consultant’ and a gym freak he is biracial and the show makes sure we know that from the start, apparently his grandfather was racist…guess which (color) side of the family the racist was on…so back to back ‘minorities’. Then we get to Luke the Texan with a ranch just so you do not get confused into thinking this is the ‘Flavor of Love’ he is also former military so maybe Jojo has a type? Luke tells us that he has lost many friends (thanks to war) so he “lives every day like his last” cue sad music and grave visits.
“I give you permission to squeeze my balls [hands over what looks like stress balls]” and “Anyone can look good in a suit; let’s see how you look naked.” – These are the teasers the show leaves us with as we go to commercial.

OMCH meets Jojo and speaks in clichés, so let’s skip to arrivals:
Jordan tells her that his parents were a quick engagement…pump your brakes bro. Derek ‘commercial banker’ tells Jojo that she has a really good sense of self. Robbie is a ‘former competitive swimmer’ he breaks out a bottle of wine and they swig from it, maybe this is why he is ‘former’ not current. Alex the marine is a lot shorter than I expected, Will a ‘civil engineer’ does a corny trick with flash cards which just cements the long held belief that engineers are always corny (yes Preeth that is a shot at you). Daniel is a ‘Canadian [job title]’ and says “Damn” a lot probably to play off on the “Damn Daniel” viral video. James Taylor is a ‘Singer/songwriter’ so he comes out with a guitar and sings, Jojo says “I wanna play that guitar later” and he says “we will teach ya” way to assume she cannot play it.

John comes out wearing a kilt and says he is half-Chinese and half Scottish and “lucky for me the half Scottish is below the waist.” Next up is Saint Nick ‘Father Christmas [job title]’ who hands her a gift he walks into the house and the other guys look at him with shock as he hands out Teddy Bears from his sack. Chase is a ‘medical sales rep’ who comes out in a huge fake moustache. Jake (black guy) is a ‘landscape architect’ while Brandon is a ‘hipster [job title]’ go ahead guess his skin colour? Come on, I know you know what his is! Vinny ‘barber’ breaks out toasted bread because he “wanted to give a little toast” but couldn’t find champagne. Wells ‘radio dj’ brings out the 90s music group ‘All-4-one’ as part of his entrance, by this time the guys who had already been hating on new arrivals were fuming. Christian the halfie (I can say it) pulls up on a motorbike so of course the next guy up has to ride in on a white horse with a unicorn horn attached; it is Luke the ‘war veteran.’

Alex is the first guy to grab Jojo and the guys hate him for it, Alex does pushups with Jojo sitting on him. Jordan is the rub your back while talking to you type, Jojo seems to like it, I think it is too soon but hey what do I know? One of the guys (Will) breaks out the kids game where you pick a color and a number to get to the answer he asks Jojo her favorite color and she says “red” while wearing a beige dress, he shuffles through to the answer and it is that he gets a kiss from Jojo she gives him a pity peck. Jordan then steals Jojo from him and gets a passionate kiss…that is going to make Will feel great about himself!

Wells the ‘radio dj’ is constantly being accompanied by All-4-one, it was a great gimmick at the start but it gets cheesy quickly and I just feel so sad for All-4-one (but hey cash those cheques!).
Daniel the Canadian tries to explain the viral video ‘Damn Daniel’ as the reason for his ‘Damn Jojo’ when he got out of the limo…it is exceedingly awkward, plus the ‘Damn Daniel’ thing was barely funny when it was viral. Daniel then goes around poking guys in the belly button to which a guy goes “there is no reason to ever poke another man in the belly button.” Daniel starts to get naked to show the world that he can look good outside of a suit and he is described as “White Canadian wasted” all the guys are predicting he will be the first in the pool – they are correct. The guys are getting so wasted that they start interrupting each other to interrupt Jojo in her confessional time, they are too drunk to realize they are not supposed to be in that room with her.

The Santa guy is better looking than I expected but he kept up the charade for longer than I expected too. Luke one of the many Texans on the show breaks out a stereotype and brings JoJo cowboy boots it gets him the first impression rose so I guess the investment was worth it…oh wait it didn’t - sucker! Aaron Rodger’s little brother got it; guess he couldn’t score on the field but off the field for now he is doing well (seriously he never threw a pass in a pro game). 

Rose Ceremony:
The guys are lined up and Jojo is giving her spiel but wait, a limo is pulling up and in walks Jake Pavelka (I confess I had to use the show for his name, I really am not that long time a watcher). Jojo says that he is a “longtime family friend” and thanks to that revelation by her the show’s attempt to trick us by pretending that he is a new suitor fails with me. He is much older than Jojo and he has known her for a while it just did not seem practical. It was a nice attempt but it just fell flat for me. By the way one of the guys wonders out loud “How old is that dude?” that stings; Pavelka is only a few years older than me…these dumb young pups. Pavelka claims that he was just there to give her advice about looking for love, clearly something he could not have told her in the many months since she was announced as the Bachelorette and her time in front of the cameras. I do not know much about him because his season was before my time but I do know that many fans of the show hate him and he is legendary for having a relationship that did not work but hey I am sure he gives great advice… “What I’m trying to say is I want love … for you. And I want you to find love here. And I believe it’s in that room” – nice try ABC.

I start to play my usual internal “how many brown to brownish peeps will survive the first cut?” A guy’s voice over says “there are a lot of guys in here that if they got a rose I would think that something fishy is definitely going on” I think that every season my man, every season! James F ‘boxing gym owner’ who has been a constant narrator gets a rose; we will need him to tell us what is happening next week. Saint Nick gets a rose and a tonne of guys look pissed - Vinny the barber says “I am a good judgment [sic] of character…and I will overcome [sic] the top” but he gets a rose along with Daniel he of the “let’s get naked.” Jake the landscape architect and the Sottish-Chinese (but not below the waist) fellow do not receive roses. I wondered if Jojo heard landscape architect and like me thought ‘fancy gardener.’

In the follow on for the season we are told that “there is violence, threats of violence” we see a guy telling another guy that merely going home will not save him because he will find him and we get a shot of someone with bloody knuckles - they are white so we can safely rule out a few guys…

No comments:

Blog Archive

About Me

My photo
Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.