Infrequently updated consistently funny

Friday, June 21, 2013

The Bachelorette and the Red Cross get into bed together, the relationship was a little Sandy

So the roomie and I joked about watching the Bachelorette together, turns out we were not joking. The show starts with the guys flying to Atlantic City and I am shocked that all of these guys are allowed on planes. One of the guys described AC as Vegas with a beach…I think Vegas just put a hit out on him. 

Des and Brad go on a date together, and end up at a Salt Water taffy store/factory. Des claims to love Salt Water Taffy and I call her a liar, no one loves that stuff, you might like it, you might eat it but no one loves it. They then smell chocolate and go running through the facility with no hair nets or gloves looking for chocolate and find chocolate pretzels on an assembly line and immediately just reach their grubby hands in and grab pieces then add their own syrups etc…that factory should be closed down, clearly they have NO standards. 

The roomie and I are cringing as we watch Des and Brad on an awkward dinner, you know a date is bad when others cannot even watch your date. They climb a tonne of stairs to the top of a lighthouse and then Des drops the bombshell of ‘no rose you have to go!’ Really crappy move Des – not the sending him home part, that made sense since during dinner he had the personality of a dish rag – the crappy move was making him climb enough stairs to leave him panting and then ditching him. 

On the group date the men meet Miss America because they are going to vie for the title of ‘The Bachelorette’s Mr. America’

Roomies' first comment on seeing Miss. America, “this is the most beautiful woman in America?” My first comment “she needs a new stylist”. Yup 2 guys watching a dating show and we dissolve into cattiness…Chris Harrison hosts the beauty pageant, this means Chris Harrison is going to actually have to work this episode. The men are asked the typical beauty pageant questions and perform adequately. At least no one was as bad as Ms. Utah…

The talent competition was as goofy as you would expect and then there was a swimsuit competition…not sure why some of the guys were forced to wear Speedos while others were allowed to wear board shorts. No one mentioned “WORLD PEACE” very disappointing. 

One of the guys reads Des a poem while they are hanging out in a hot tub, the roomie wonders what he is doing wrong on his dates I didn’t have an answer but now I do; to get away with breaking out a book of poems in a hot tub you have to make sure TEN other guys are present.

James and Des get a helicopter tour from the Red Cross for their one on one…to tour the devastation from Hurricane Sandy, I said out loud “this is just an infomercial for the Red Cross” then immediately a graphic pops up “to donate to the red cross”. I appreciate firmly what the Red Cross does, I donate blood, time and cash, but I do not need to see this during a crappy TV show and I certainly do not believe that any normal couple would take a tour of devastation as a part of their date. 

Des and James meet a couple that rode out the storm and again the Red Cross promotion features prominently “tell us about that first night at the Red Cross”. Des and James give their date to the couple that suffered loss in a ‘completely spontaneous gesture’ yes I used ‘-‘ because there is little you can do to convince me that this was not the plan all along. Fine, they did something sweet for an older couple, but then we had to actually watch the old people date! 

James brings up the fact that he cheated on his long term girlfriend and has the look of shock when Des tells him that she suffered through that. He quickly realizes that he made a miscalculation in bringing it up and he starts spinning crap out in the hope that he can quickly cover up his ‘honesty’ with a big pile of BS to hide it. 

We cut back to the old folks date and a waiter comes up to present them with a replica of their photo album - again remember this date was supposed to have been a spontaneous outpouring from Des’ heart? Yet somehow they were able to find a replica album and completely duplicate the album that was damaged by Sandy. All the photos, all the artwork etc…Manny and Jan are going to “Make it Nasty, Make it Nasty”

in the fantasy suite. There is the obligatory musical act and it for once is someone I know; it’s Darius Rucker from Hootie and The Blowfish. Of course the first time they have someone I recognize it is the old persons date. [By the way if you clicked on the make it nasty video...good luck at work.] This was absolutely not a Des and James date, it was a Red Cross infomercial crossed with a Viagra/Cialis commercial. Manny is going to give Jan all that he and medical science think that she can handle. Okay seriosuly click on the Tyga video I am sure you are old enough.

Hahah the roomie is creeped out that Des is apparently going to kiss every guy on the show…I think he is right.

Michael breaks out a cheesy move of forming a word from every letter in Des’s name and she loves it, she really loves cheesy stuff. But I noticed something, we only got to him forming an S card…did he spell out her full name, did he spell it correctly? These are the things we need to know damn it.

The guy that is going home tonight is…look I already forgot his name I think it was Zack but I point this out to say that I called his ejection 10 minutes before it occurred; because the first time I noticed him all episode was at the start of the Rose ceremony, there was no chance he was staying

Monday, June 10, 2013

The Bachelorette and dodging balls to the face

EDIT: I had to alter this to insert this Video. Turns out that Stephanie that crashed the show is actually former Playboy Playmate (or is it once a playmate always a playmate?) Stephanie Larimore the vid is safe for work if your work is cool with rollerblading in panties and an undershirt...I know mine is - we are super casual here.

Tonight’s nonsensical group date challenge is Dodgeball. The National Dodgeball League commissioner greets the guys as they open the doors to a court. The best part is the dodgeball guys trying to look mean, hey bros you are wearing headbands and for many of you your shirts are too tight – and it is not because of muscles. Take these guys off the court and have them just brawl with the Bachelorette guys and I would take the Bachelorette guys 10-1 everytime, and this is not a bunch of tough guys. I write all this to say YOU PLAY DODGEBALL do not try to mean mug, leave that for the Tennis players. 

Of course the guys are eventually split into teams to play each other. The guys are told to slow motion action walk to the battle arena which I really think is the Grove in LA. I know part of this is supposed to be the embarrassment of “look at the guys in the short shorts” but really? It is a TV competition we all know they were forced into it, it is not as if they went out and willingly chose the same size shorts I used to wear in Prep School – Shout out to Mona Preparatory. It is a game of dork champs against dork champs, but to hear these guys describe it, you would think they are battling in the Coliseum; then of course one of them gets hurt and it all gets real. Actually it doesn’t, it was a freak finger breakage nothing more and the kid (Brooks) passes out when they reset it…come on son. Props to the Bachelorette production staff for trying to make it look like a crisis – using shaky camera work and cutting in images of ambulances. 

Brooks returns from the hospital just in time to crash the after party while wearing his gym clothes. Chris wins the group date rose and tells us that he is excited, but clearly no one has told his face. I continue to be 0 for however many in recognizing the performers they have brought on for the private concert dates until their names flash on the screen and many times not even after that. I think my streak there is almost as impressive as any win streak in any major sporting league. 

Chris Harrison calls Des and she has the special iphone that allows us to hear her entire convo while not on speaker phone…I cannot get over Des’ pants I cannot decide if those are peach or just bleached out red. 
Des takes Brian aside to talk to him about being there for “the right reasons” and gets him to say blah blah blah lets get to the part that matters, his girlfriend shows up! Stephanie his girl, claims that she tried to break up with him the day before he came on the show and that he told her he was just going on a business meeting/convention and that he was just going to take a break…well I mean going on the show does count as taking a break. Hahah he told her they would “reconnect May 10th, the day after filming” I know most will hate him for this, but I like him even more now. I especially like the thought that he left her at home and thought he could get away with being gone for an extended period and nothing would come of it. 

The girl that comes on admits that she has thrown rocks at Brian’s face – I am going to say not the most credible witness, but hey man, if you date a crazy girl, you kind of have to live with the consequences, whether everything she says tonight is the truth or not, those are the breaks. And man tapping it 2 days before filming is a solid move – getting some of that goodbye nookie, maybe in the hope that it carries you for over a month of filming. Stephanie keeps bringing up her son that apparently looks up to Brian, that’s right play the kid card to the guy who already seems like he wants to get away from you.

I fold my laundry during a batch of man tears and expressions of “for the right reasons”.

If I took a shot every time Des describes something as “awesome” I would be obliterated add in Kasey saying “Oh Jeez” and I would be in a coma. They strap in and go down the side of a building to dance, yup I don’t get it either: It kind of looks like a modification of so many other Bachelor/Bachelorette gimmicks.

The 2nd group date starts with a horse drawn carriage
And we get a Disney tie in; the guys are going to be trained by the stunt team from the Lone Ranger…cuz Disney. Juan Pablo wins the one on one time with Des and they get to go watch the Lone Ranger movie together which leaves me to wonder – “Do the other guys get to watch the movie somewhere else too? And where the hell are they during the Run time for this movie?” Unless they are only watching a clip show they are going to be gone for 2 hours 29 minutes and 21 seconds, yes I looked up the run time, no I am not a geek.

Zak W. who you might remember as shirtless first impression guy thinks he is getting the rose and while he is saying that, Des comes by to pick up the rose to hand to someone else…bummer son. James gets the rose because he plays up the fact that his dad is suffering from a serious pancreatic condition and I am sure his dad is watching at home and feeling better just because of that.

Ben the guy that the other guys think is the villain of the show sneaks away with Des for a quick car trip by waylaying her before she gets to the house to meet the rest of the guys, smart move. Des sets up a pool party in place of a cocktail party and why not? She has a great body and she is confident, makes sense, plus for her she gets to see a tonne of good looking guys with ripped abs. I would try out for the Bachelorette as a goof but I would need nine months of strict discipline to even get my body close to auditioning ready. Yes I suspect great body is step 1 of the process.

Brandon tells her about how harrowing his childhood was and immediately leans in for a kiss – not awkward at all. I am pretty sure the suddenness of it had Des chuckling when he leaned in for it, I replayed it and he whispers “tell you a secret” to get her to lean in.

I just noticed, no matter how big that hot tub is, that was a lot of guys in a small space.

Rose Ceremony time:
Des is a pretty girl, but her outfits, there always just seems to be one really distracting element on them that takes them from good looking to “hmm that could be better”. Apparently someone finally taught Des how to pronounce Juan Pablo’s name.

Dan is dismissed and if you go “who?” then you are like me. The surprising one is that Brandon is also let go, and he is in shock and denial.
His goodbye interview has him crying and saying “once again someone’s left me” this guy was not emotionally stable enough for this show, I almost wish they had screened him out earlier. I do not need to see someone’s emotional trauma for my amusement.

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

“Right reasons, right reasons…I’m here for you girl for all four seasons.”

No way do I type as much as I did for the Bachelor episodes, because A. I am lazier and B. for now it seems rather boring.

The first date guy reminds me of a curious but timid puppy, he gets scared when he thinks Des is driving them down the wrong street…hey fellah you are on a street on a date with cameras following you, you cannot and will not get jacked. Then he becomes worried that she has plans to remove a barricade, again dude – TV show! OF course there is a band to play to them, and the guy thinks it will get better than this?

Des says she has never "juggled 14 guys at once" and I think “maybe I should search for the Des sextape”.

Good to see Soulja boy is getting work, his street cred was already shot, might as well completely kill it. They make a fake rap video, but if you saw clips of her outfit you would think Des was in a country vid. No need to talk much about that travesty except to allow me to indulge in a racial moment – the black guy was the absolute worst dancer, and I have no idea why Soulja Boy was there…did he write those lyrics?

“Here for the right/wrong reasons” we might set the record for that phrases utterance tonight. And this was written before I realized that the hook for the damn song was "Right reasons" shows how much this show numbs the brain.

Bryden goes on a one and one and tells her about his horrific car accident where he could have died and just happens to have glossy pix of his wreck with him! Look I nearly died in a car accident too, I have the facial scars from it, the horrific surgery/recovery story etc and yet I have never thought to bring it up on a date, and I certainly do not keep pictures from it with me…then again I am single and watching a dating show so eh, what do I know; Looks like it is time for me to start mentioning it to the lasses. Des has to tell him to kiss her – never a good sign for long term chemistry.

Apparently every guy has to share some personal secret tragedy with Des on their first interaction with her.

The guy who already has a rose (Ben) steals her away from the other guys who need the crucial time to get to Des before the rose ceremony. This leaves the guys pissed, and flummoxed and foolishly talking amongst themselves instead of stealing her back.

I recorded the show ‘Mistresses’ that is immediately following the Bachelorette because I really like 2 of the actresses in it, but no way can I watch that with this back to back. Have to watch something a lot more masculine before I can descend into the muck again.

Did the black guy talk to her even once this episode? I see him on camera a lot but I do not think he ever interacts with her. He might as well just wear a ‘Token’ shirt! Maybe Des saw his dancing and decided “Hell no”, I know I would have if I were a woman. Go high five the camera man on your way out, I do not think I can forgive you for that ridiculous B Roll of you walking around town high-fiving everyone.

The show ends with the completed rap video. Des’ body is great, that is the best thing I can say about this video

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.