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Friday, June 21, 2013

The Bachelorette and the Red Cross get into bed together, the relationship was a little Sandy

So the roomie and I joked about watching the Bachelorette together, turns out we were not joking. The show starts with the guys flying to Atlantic City and I am shocked that all of these guys are allowed on planes. One of the guys described AC as Vegas with a beach…I think Vegas just put a hit out on him. 

Des and Brad go on a date together, and end up at a Salt Water taffy store/factory. Des claims to love Salt Water Taffy and I call her a liar, no one loves that stuff, you might like it, you might eat it but no one loves it. They then smell chocolate and go running through the facility with no hair nets or gloves looking for chocolate and find chocolate pretzels on an assembly line and immediately just reach their grubby hands in and grab pieces then add their own syrups etc…that factory should be closed down, clearly they have NO standards. 

The roomie and I are cringing as we watch Des and Brad on an awkward dinner, you know a date is bad when others cannot even watch your date. They climb a tonne of stairs to the top of a lighthouse and then Des drops the bombshell of ‘no rose you have to go!’ Really crappy move Des – not the sending him home part, that made sense since during dinner he had the personality of a dish rag – the crappy move was making him climb enough stairs to leave him panting and then ditching him. 

On the group date the men meet Miss America because they are going to vie for the title of ‘The Bachelorette’s Mr. America’

Roomies' first comment on seeing Miss. America, “this is the most beautiful woman in America?” My first comment “she needs a new stylist”. Yup 2 guys watching a dating show and we dissolve into cattiness…Chris Harrison hosts the beauty pageant, this means Chris Harrison is going to actually have to work this episode. The men are asked the typical beauty pageant questions and perform adequately. At least no one was as bad as Ms. Utah…

The talent competition was as goofy as you would expect and then there was a swimsuit competition…not sure why some of the guys were forced to wear Speedos while others were allowed to wear board shorts. No one mentioned “WORLD PEACE” very disappointing. 

One of the guys reads Des a poem while they are hanging out in a hot tub, the roomie wonders what he is doing wrong on his dates I didn’t have an answer but now I do; to get away with breaking out a book of poems in a hot tub you have to make sure TEN other guys are present.

James and Des get a helicopter tour from the Red Cross for their one on one…to tour the devastation from Hurricane Sandy, I said out loud “this is just an infomercial for the Red Cross” then immediately a graphic pops up “to donate to the red cross”. I appreciate firmly what the Red Cross does, I donate blood, time and cash, but I do not need to see this during a crappy TV show and I certainly do not believe that any normal couple would take a tour of devastation as a part of their date. 

Des and James meet a couple that rode out the storm and again the Red Cross promotion features prominently “tell us about that first night at the Red Cross”. Des and James give their date to the couple that suffered loss in a ‘completely spontaneous gesture’ yes I used ‘-‘ because there is little you can do to convince me that this was not the plan all along. Fine, they did something sweet for an older couple, but then we had to actually watch the old people date! 

James brings up the fact that he cheated on his long term girlfriend and has the look of shock when Des tells him that she suffered through that. He quickly realizes that he made a miscalculation in bringing it up and he starts spinning crap out in the hope that he can quickly cover up his ‘honesty’ with a big pile of BS to hide it. 

We cut back to the old folks date and a waiter comes up to present them with a replica of their photo album - again remember this date was supposed to have been a spontaneous outpouring from Des’ heart? Yet somehow they were able to find a replica album and completely duplicate the album that was damaged by Sandy. All the photos, all the artwork etc…Manny and Jan are going to “Make it Nasty, Make it Nasty”

in the fantasy suite. There is the obligatory musical act and it for once is someone I know; it’s Darius Rucker from Hootie and The Blowfish. Of course the first time they have someone I recognize it is the old persons date. [By the way if you clicked on the make it nasty video...good luck at work.] This was absolutely not a Des and James date, it was a Red Cross infomercial crossed with a Viagra/Cialis commercial. Manny is going to give Jan all that he and medical science think that she can handle. Okay seriosuly click on the Tyga video I am sure you are old enough.

Hahah the roomie is creeped out that Des is apparently going to kiss every guy on the show…I think he is right.

Michael breaks out a cheesy move of forming a word from every letter in Des’s name and she loves it, she really loves cheesy stuff. But I noticed something, we only got to him forming an S card…did he spell out her full name, did he spell it correctly? These are the things we need to know damn it.

The guy that is going home tonight is…look I already forgot his name I think it was Zack but I point this out to say that I called his ejection 10 minutes before it occurred; because the first time I noticed him all episode was at the start of the Rose ceremony, there was no chance he was staying

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.