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Monday, June 10, 2013

The Bachelorette and dodging balls to the face

EDIT: I had to alter this to insert this Video. Turns out that Stephanie that crashed the show is actually former Playboy Playmate (or is it once a playmate always a playmate?) Stephanie Larimore the vid is safe for work if your work is cool with rollerblading in panties and an undershirt...I know mine is - we are super casual here.

Tonight’s nonsensical group date challenge is Dodgeball. The National Dodgeball League commissioner greets the guys as they open the doors to a court. The best part is the dodgeball guys trying to look mean, hey bros you are wearing headbands and for many of you your shirts are too tight – and it is not because of muscles. Take these guys off the court and have them just brawl with the Bachelorette guys and I would take the Bachelorette guys 10-1 everytime, and this is not a bunch of tough guys. I write all this to say YOU PLAY DODGEBALL do not try to mean mug, leave that for the Tennis players. 

Of course the guys are eventually split into teams to play each other. The guys are told to slow motion action walk to the battle arena which I really think is the Grove in LA. I know part of this is supposed to be the embarrassment of “look at the guys in the short shorts” but really? It is a TV competition we all know they were forced into it, it is not as if they went out and willingly chose the same size shorts I used to wear in Prep School – Shout out to Mona Preparatory. It is a game of dork champs against dork champs, but to hear these guys describe it, you would think they are battling in the Coliseum; then of course one of them gets hurt and it all gets real. Actually it doesn’t, it was a freak finger breakage nothing more and the kid (Brooks) passes out when they reset it…come on son. Props to the Bachelorette production staff for trying to make it look like a crisis – using shaky camera work and cutting in images of ambulances. 

Brooks returns from the hospital just in time to crash the after party while wearing his gym clothes. Chris wins the group date rose and tells us that he is excited, but clearly no one has told his face. I continue to be 0 for however many in recognizing the performers they have brought on for the private concert dates until their names flash on the screen and many times not even after that. I think my streak there is almost as impressive as any win streak in any major sporting league. 

Chris Harrison calls Des and she has the special iphone that allows us to hear her entire convo while not on speaker phone…I cannot get over Des’ pants I cannot decide if those are peach or just bleached out red. 
Des takes Brian aside to talk to him about being there for “the right reasons” and gets him to say blah blah blah lets get to the part that matters, his girlfriend shows up! Stephanie his girl, claims that she tried to break up with him the day before he came on the show and that he told her he was just going on a business meeting/convention and that he was just going to take a break…well I mean going on the show does count as taking a break. Hahah he told her they would “reconnect May 10th, the day after filming” I know most will hate him for this, but I like him even more now. I especially like the thought that he left her at home and thought he could get away with being gone for an extended period and nothing would come of it. 

The girl that comes on admits that she has thrown rocks at Brian’s face – I am going to say not the most credible witness, but hey man, if you date a crazy girl, you kind of have to live with the consequences, whether everything she says tonight is the truth or not, those are the breaks. And man tapping it 2 days before filming is a solid move – getting some of that goodbye nookie, maybe in the hope that it carries you for over a month of filming. Stephanie keeps bringing up her son that apparently looks up to Brian, that’s right play the kid card to the guy who already seems like he wants to get away from you.

I fold my laundry during a batch of man tears and expressions of “for the right reasons”.

If I took a shot every time Des describes something as “awesome” I would be obliterated add in Kasey saying “Oh Jeez” and I would be in a coma. They strap in and go down the side of a building to dance, yup I don’t get it either: It kind of looks like a modification of so many other Bachelor/Bachelorette gimmicks.

The 2nd group date starts with a horse drawn carriage
And we get a Disney tie in; the guys are going to be trained by the stunt team from the Lone Ranger…cuz Disney. Juan Pablo wins the one on one time with Des and they get to go watch the Lone Ranger movie together which leaves me to wonder – “Do the other guys get to watch the movie somewhere else too? And where the hell are they during the Run time for this movie?” Unless they are only watching a clip show they are going to be gone for 2 hours 29 minutes and 21 seconds, yes I looked up the run time, no I am not a geek.

Zak W. who you might remember as shirtless first impression guy thinks he is getting the rose and while he is saying that, Des comes by to pick up the rose to hand to someone else…bummer son. James gets the rose because he plays up the fact that his dad is suffering from a serious pancreatic condition and I am sure his dad is watching at home and feeling better just because of that.

Ben the guy that the other guys think is the villain of the show sneaks away with Des for a quick car trip by waylaying her before she gets to the house to meet the rest of the guys, smart move. Des sets up a pool party in place of a cocktail party and why not? She has a great body and she is confident, makes sense, plus for her she gets to see a tonne of good looking guys with ripped abs. I would try out for the Bachelorette as a goof but I would need nine months of strict discipline to even get my body close to auditioning ready. Yes I suspect great body is step 1 of the process.

Brandon tells her about how harrowing his childhood was and immediately leans in for a kiss – not awkward at all. I am pretty sure the suddenness of it had Des chuckling when he leaned in for it, I replayed it and he whispers “tell you a secret” to get her to lean in.

I just noticed, no matter how big that hot tub is, that was a lot of guys in a small space.

Rose Ceremony time:
Des is a pretty girl, but her outfits, there always just seems to be one really distracting element on them that takes them from good looking to “hmm that could be better”. Apparently someone finally taught Des how to pronounce Juan Pablo’s name.

Dan is dismissed and if you go “who?” then you are like me. The surprising one is that Brandon is also let go, and he is in shock and denial.
His goodbye interview has him crying and saying “once again someone’s left me” this guy was not emotionally stable enough for this show, I almost wish they had screened him out earlier. I do not need to see someone’s emotional trauma for my amusement.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.