Infrequently updated consistently funny

Saturday, September 30, 2006

So though I have lived a long time in Cali

I have never really spent any time in LA. But for all of next week I will be in the land that is often called La la land. I will be kicking it with Delz and I am sure both SA's will be around. Here is to me hoping in advance that I make it back in one piece...I prolly will since I have to go up there for work but working has never stopped our clique from enjoying my LA folks 'Holla at yo bwoy I am interested in checking out new spots etc'

Friday, September 29, 2006

Robert Downey Jr is playing Iron Man!

You know I actually think this will work really well...He fits all the traits and he is a dedicated enough actor that I think he will get ripped for the roll, if he stays out of jail and hell even in jail he can lift. Awesome that they found an alcoholic actor to play an alcoholic hero.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

K not much

But finally a post to the new blog myroomie is crazy. Remember I am only authoring it for a friend!

Just because of Abeni and Doc...

How do you get a Texas A & M graduate off your front porch?
You pay for your pizza!
What do you get when you line up several Aggies ear to ear and blow?
A wind tunnel.

Awesome fight

I love the run and 2 footed jump into the windscreen - always a good plan

Oh girl at the bar...

You were so cute until I saw you smoking!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Are you kidding me?

This is what DEA agents raided Chargers Camp to bust Terrence Kiel for: Codeine-based cough syrup...what is a football player doing dealing in that stuff? And how much do you have to be pushing for the DEA to get involved?

Monday, September 25, 2006

Videos of the Spring party "Fight"

Sorry the vids are grainy and small, the impromptu wrestling match was just too funny so we had to record it, with what ever was handy!

“I am no back burner bitch” NY

How tall/big/HUGE is Deelishus? When she and Flav passed out on the bed it looked like mini me and an Amazon! VH1 could have warned peeps that the “following scene will involve Flav passing out betwixt the legs of a giant woman (spread-eagled) this may be too much for our sensitive viewers”. I am surprised that Flav passed out after Deelish was blatantly looking to give it up to him, I am no expert in the ways of hooch, but something tells me that when a girl kneels on the bed with her legs spread and an inviting look on her face, she is looking for you to ‘knock ‘em out the park, knock, knock ‘em out the park’

Seeing Flav in the winery all that came to mind was ‘fish out of water’. Did they list what winery that was? Because I do not want any wine coming from that place, not a drop. Yes I know it is a tradition to have peeps stomp with their feet, I am fine with that, what I am not fine with is any winery allowing Flav, NY and Bootz free reign of their vine yard…that is just irresponsible.

“Flav took me…We basically took a chunk out of each other…we chunked up the rest of the night” Oh man! So I had a fever last night and it was at this point I had to stop watching and wait till today to watch because I figured I must have been wrong in what I thought I heard. Did NY really describe sex as “taking a chunk out of each other”? Those strangled cries from the bedroom could not be called moans! It was like watching the Discovery channel when they show Rhinos mating and you hear the bellows when the animals meet – I refuse to believe that the noises coming from behind that closed door were the sounds of coitus because that was not human!

Haha watching Flav try to stretch out the clock ceremony (wow never would have thought I would use a phrase like ‘clock ceremony’ back in the day) was amazing, I love the look Big Rick gave him a cross between “Man I cannot believe I have to work for you” and “If you were not paying me all this damn money I would knock you the hell out!”

Bye, bye Bootz, you were cool but the celibacy thing is just not going to cut it with Flav, especially if you can’t wail like a wild animal from a safari!

On the promo for next week, did NY’s mom really pull the “I am dying card”?

Has Flav no shame how many kids did he trot out to examine, these women, he looks like he has a full football squad plus subs!

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Tomorrow is my birthday and...

I am sick as a dog, timing could not be worse. Plus tommorrow was supposed to be the official launch date for the new blog I am authoring!

Here is hoping that I get better soon cause damn it I hate coughing and feeling like my lungs are about to cave in!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I am crying over Whitney and Bobby

So it has happened a long time now ie about a week ago which in the blogosphere is an eternity but I have to touch on the fact that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are breaking up.

NOOOOO say it aint so, how could the dream celebrity match up of Prince Charming and Sleeping Beauty break up?

After all no one saw this one coming. They were the perfect couple. No one had them ever breaking up in the pool. It is not like when they got married anyone went – “I give that marriage less than a year” They were so good together. How could a marriage that is formed on a ROCK (crack rock) ever disintegrate. The Catholic Church has lasted forever on a rock (Peter) I figured Whitney and Bobby could at least last a life time.

How can I ever hope to sustain a lasting relationship with anyone if the relationship that we should all pattern our lives after has crumbled? They survived drug arrests, multiple trips to rehab. Remember that great moment when they appeared on TV for an interview and they confessed their love for each other and claimed that they were not using drugs while appearing to be high off their asses – that is true love!

They created classical TV (‘Being Bobby Brown’) the likes of which I thought could never be duplicated – then I saw ‘Flavor of Love’. They showed all of us who thought that 2 crazy people could never stay together that we were wrong, and they were doing it for 14 years…through spousal abuse charges and arrest how could they end now???

We saw a mega star devolve from Whitney to Britney (let us not kid ourselves Britney Spears is rapidly on the Houston train – she just lacks the talented husband). Whitney was at one point the biggest star in the universe she had a wattage that none of us could even stare at…her songs were so huge that schools everywhere were using her music as part of their graduation ceremonies, she was the woman that everyone wanted to have around and Bobby got her, so he had to be the perfect man!

After Michael Jackson broke up with Lisa Marie Presley I figured all that was left for us was Whitney and Bobby, now I am just in tears, absolute tears! Bobby say it isn’t true, say you did not cheat on your ‘true love’ with Karrine Steffans (the video ho/vixen)

They are shattering all my hopes. At least we still have Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes that is definitely a couple that will never ever, ever break up!

Thanks to Leon for reminding me about it

The dean of our business school is human after all...

He got busted in Ohio and is out on bail on drug charges...Awesome!

You lost a surfboard?

Only in san diego does a sign like this go up. How do you lose a surfboard plus bag? Do you go home thinking: "hey my arm feels lighter, I wonder why?" class="mobile-photo">

Sunday, September 17, 2006

F.O.L update

Kami you said it was calm 2nite BUT…NY declared herself the HBIC, how can you not crack up at that? “Grab my bootie, squeeze it” I love NY’s words – “Fakeism” How about the look on NY’s face when she got the hug from Krazy…”If the rail wasn’t there I would have gone over the balcony”…uhmm how many balconies have you been on that do not have a rail? Man it was crazy watching this show tonight – the amount of screaming that was going on in the show it was like watching a football match (probably like Arsenal v Liverpool) and the fans got loose. I am 100% down with people staying celibate until marriage, what I am not down for is girls being delusional enough to think that Flav is going to keep a girl around for ‘permanent status’ that is “waiting till marriage” there is a reason that he is constantly being hounded for child support!  

Birthday week and random stuff...

One week to my birthday! Which means its birthday week #1! No clue what I am actually going to do for my birthday this week! I do know that for 2morrow I am going to make a batch of the world famous Neiman Marcus cookies. Not the fake type that a friend of mine recently posted on her myspace bulletin but the actual cookies produced by the corporation…I do love that, the fake recipe keeps circling, I once sent it to a friend as a joke and then felt bad because they sent it out thinking it was real so I guess I am at fault too – I take my blame, in a week I will be old enough to handle it!

So in an hour F.O.L is on but I think I am going to hold off on watching for a bit so that I can just skip through without commercials – it enhances the craziness of the show when I can watch it commercial free, “Yeh boyeeeee!”

It is amusing to me that my roomie thinks peeps are dumb for watching sports, and she says this while watching a Lifetime made for Tv Movie! The best part is that she sees nothing wrong with the whole scenario.

Pepsi should be ashamed of themselves for producing that Jazz crap and calling it a diet soda: I tried it and nearly spat all over my living room – a good indicator that it is a horrible drink is that my roomie will not drink it and she loves ‘diet’ soda!

How is it that neither Pepsi nor Coca Cola have come up with a decent diet cola alternative in ages, your options are Regular cola or regular diet cola, all their other versions are basically crap, crap I tell you!
I love political season, the ads crack me up – it is that time of the year when politicians start to regret every careless word or gesture they have ever made!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Punter stabbed by Back-Up!!!

Many of you have probably already seen this story where the back up punter at Northern Colorado allegedly stabbed the punter in order to try and take his starting spot. To many that would be the craziest part of the story but for me it is the part at the end that cracks me up the most (not the fact that he went Tonya Harding): The kid is a BACK UP punter at NORTHERN COLORADO and has the gall to have a vanity plate with the phrase “8-KIKR”. That alone should have been the first sign that the kid had issues.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Miracle of science and no spinach for Popeye in 8 states!

I read this story and watched the video and thought how can anyone argue that science does not help us to have miracles everyday (by the way I believe that God is the reason we have these miracles but that is for another blog). It is just amazing to see that someone could lose their arms and now science has found a way to replace the movement and use!!!! I truly think that someday we will be able to reverse blindness or at least limit its effects.

Heads up for my readers in Connecticut, Idaho, Indiana, Michigan, New Mexico, Oregon and Utah (if I have any) your spinach is BAD!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

A Picture Share!

A Picture Share!

Finally rolled my coins

Lucky #slevin and a movie kills the President?

Just saw Lucky #Slevin, not a bad movie but I think I would have enjoyed it a ton more if I had not seen the ‘twist’ coming from about a ¼ into the movie. The guy at the video store when recommending it to S.A.’s roomie described it as Pulp Fiction type movie – I think he was just trying to flirt with her, or he assumed that because 2 movies contain a few similar elements that they can be compared as equals…either way he was WRONG!

By the way I do not see why so many people particularly on IMDB are even comparing this movie to Pulp Fiction, not every crime/mob movie is trying to imitate PF. Slevin is an ok movie a movie that I could watch again and not be bored but I think it is a different movie from PF and is not supposed to be compared to PF. Now watch after I say all that I will check IMDB again and part of the movie trivia will be the director saying that he tried to make his version of PF!

Check out this first news blurb, I know many Americans do not respect their current president (and I find that extremely sad because I think leaders should be respected) but to make a movie showing the current president being shot in the future just seems to be too much to me!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Flavor of love has me hooked - I hate that!

Abeni my dear, had to share this part with you…my friend was watching F.O.L and caught a glimpse of Buckwild and these were his words.
Friend: “Wow that white girl is hot!”
Me: “WHAT…did you say the white girl?”
F: “Yeh the white girl, she is hot!”
Me: “Uhmm are u sure?”
Me: “Wait for it…” (because I knew the confessional scene was coming up next and we would get a clear frontal shot) “…how about now”
F: (seeing the clear shot) “JESUS WHAT HAPPENED”

Abeni you are right New York is Ms. Piggy, last night when I saw it I wasn’t sure what was wrong with NY I just knew she somehow looked worse than last year, then you pointed it out and I watched it again today and you are right. How can someone who chain smokes and drinks that much be so animated?

I love the photographers just chilling during the photo shoot watching the developing cat fight…were they afraid? Were they told not to interfere? What kind of men watch girls about to kick each others ass and not step in – when no jello or mud is present? (aite that last part was just the guy in me kicking in)

Again: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BUCKWILD I want you back, what is one felony? You could risk another one just for my entertainment. In the words of Boyz N Da Hood
“Whats up with partner, Where he live, Where he stay at Where the ice, where the bread, where the cake at? I'm telling you man you don't want it with dem boyz, Everyone of them got felonies man!”

It fits Buckwild (where does she live, Upland or Rancho C?) (If she actually has a felony and is not a poser NY does not want any with her [dem boyz])…everyone of them got ‘issues man’

Crazy thing Flav and I share something in common: We are both classically trained Pianists! Beyond that I think the man is setting our people back, it might be in a funny way, but he is definitely setting us back!

As sad as I am sad to see Buckwild go I applaud the way she handled her departure “$30 grand on probation”

Flav: “Can I ask you something…Where the Fu@k did your accent go?”

Maybe I am eating my steaks a little too bloody!

I wish I could claim that the liquid present was sauce but alas...

“Yeah! That all mighty amazing, ill, highly contagious” The Roots

Today is a good day. First things first THE WIRE is back. Watching the opening scenes and it is looking damn good: Again bless who ever created DVR.

I should cover the game yesterday: The better team won I am fine with it, weird moment leaving the sports bar that I watched it at-saw my Ex who has treated me like CRAP for the last few months, weird seeing her but at the same time somewhat poetic since I was having a crappy moment (the loss) why not see someone who has treated me as if the fact that we have broken up is the cause of all the suffering in the world.  

Saw the Roots tonight FOR FREE great show as always, it was the SoCo music tour always nice when a liquor company gives back to its core constituents

There was so much smoke in the air that I think I came home with the munchies.

Did my charity deed for the week: Found a wallet as I was walking the 3 miles to the Sand Assassins crib found the persons phone number in the wallet called it and waited for the owner to pick it up and refused the offer of a reward – Why tell you all this when I am so clearly patting myself on the back for my good deed? Because the person whose wallet I returned had a great idea that I am encouraging all to copy. On the inside of the bill fold was a line saying “If found please call 858-xxx-xxxx” such a damn good idea, I did not have to search for a cop or a safe place to put the wallet just immediately called the owner.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

We do not lose and tickets for more than a car!

Tomorrow is the biggest regular season game in a long time. I feel comfortable saying this even knowing my bias. It is the first #1 v 2 match up in a decade and it is the earliest EVER meeting of a 1 v 2. With the way the BCS shapes up losing this game could mean that a team that should be in the national championship game will probably have to stay home during the title game (bad luck OSU). It is not unheard of, of a team losing early and making it back in but the chances are slim.

As I mentioned to the Sand Assassin yesterday it has been a long time since my school has tasted defeat which means it has been a long time since I have had to deal with defeat. We have the longest win streak in the nation and I would love to see that keep going.

Look at some of what had to mention re the game… “Only those with bulging bankrolls can afford to buy their way into Darrell K. Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium for Saturday night's epic showdown between Ohio State and Texas. On eBay Thursday, someone forked over $1,575 for two prime seats on the 40; another dropped $2,400 for four tickets in the end zone (and a parking pass). For just $25 more that afternoon on the auction site, that guy could have become the proud owner of a 1989 Mercedes

Buckeyes fans, undeterred by the demand for seats, are arriving in Austin in droves -- so many that the OSU alumni association paid $10,000 to rent out Texas' basketball arena for a Friday-night pep rally. Of course, those willing to ante up for ducats not only will see a meeting of No. 1 vs.”

Since everyone makes game and score predictions here is mine UT 28, OSU 21 (or a score close to that)


Friday, September 08, 2006

Reporter beat down

You tube makes things so ez: Posted this earlier, but u had to click through links, here it is to make it ez

Thursday, September 07, 2006

My dad has the psychology degree not me.

So my roomie was going through some emotional problems last night and came home just as I was about to leave the house to grab dinner and hit the bar. Of course since I am a great room-mate I was 100% willing to listen to his tale of woe (and it is a terrible tale) of course by listen to his tale of woe I mean this exchange:

Roomie: (tells me of the situation)
CaliJ: (inner monologue) [‘Damn it man, this story is horrible, it is long complicated and will not have a happy ending what am I supposed to say here?’] “Dude that SUCKS!”
Roomie: “Yes it does I do not think I can deal with this, it is the last straw with her”
CJ: (inner mono) [‘Damn it, did this have to happen after I put in the first month’s rent?’] “We are going out to play beer dice and hit the Tavern and drink”
R: “I think I am just going to stay in”
CJ: “No that is a horrible idea, come out and drink till you cannot remember your name”
R: “I will think about it”
CJ: “You will think only about the directions that I will give you”

So of course 4 hours later and after the use of some sweet wrist-watch walkie talkies in the bar (will post about that later) my roomie had no idea what his name was and was barely cognizant of his name, he also had a hard time believing/remembering that he had to be up in 3 hours to make it to his job. It might not have been the best way to help mend his situation but at least for a few hours he had stopped thinking about it and best of all I had stopped having to listen…man those walkie talkies were sweet (100% game killers but so damn sweet)
--Baker you are the man

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

This is how we do the news in the 619!

Check out the beating that this reporter John Mattes from Fox 6 takes while reporting his story. Check out videos 1 and 2.

"I ain't a cuddler I fu@k the drool out of a chick” and my roomies stay home

My roomies are such home bodies. If there was any doubt of that, tonight’s discovery proved it. I borrowed my roomies keys last week to make copies. I accidentally placed the wrong keys on his key chain and he never discovered the problem, I finally discovered it when I realized that I had a few too many keys.

They are a great couple but they never leave the apartment. I on the other hand seem to leave it too much. I went out drinking with my new neighbors tonight (some USD undergrads). For much of the night the mantra that kept rolling through my brain was “stay out of trouble man, stay out of trouble” of course since I like to pretend that I am a humorist even when talking to myself this line also scrolled through my brain “her name is not trouble” the rest is I think a little too graphic for the blog.

“It feels so good to live sucka free Im soakin it all up while your girls suckin me
I mean the world to her its nothin but a nut to me look miss get a drink and let a mutha fucka be…
I ain't a cuddler I fuck the drool out of a chick”
--Hands up by Lloyd Banks
I was listening to this in the gym and had to grab my ipod to play the song again because I thought that I must have been mistaken on the lyrics…ah the joy of being a rap star where common decency is not required and you can say any and everything and sadly women still flock to you.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Now I know for certain we are a big time program

Guns and drugs - could these kids have played any more into the stereotype?

You gotta love Flavor of Love:

I love how the girls act as if they know each other on a deep level (currently on the show they have been in the house for a week and a half) and can make value judgments re other girls on a ‘cattle call’ show where a man has women paraded in front of him and he has them jump through hoops.

The scene with ‘Like Dat’ and ‘Buckwild’ cuddling was both terrifying and amusing all at the same time, a bit like watching a snow boarder eat it at the top of the mountain become a snowball by the bottom of the mountain and then walk away. As long as the end result leaves everyone alive and intact then it is cool to laugh at it…right?

Seriously ‘Krazy’ how are you going to go on a show trying to get a rapper and not learn any of his damn songs? You cannot be shocked that peeps call you out on that.

I am not sure how Flav likes his ladies but I know that I do not want any woman that I want to call my own/my girl/my chica/my woman/my wife/my significant other “bent over, shaking her ass in front of my friends”. That is crazy! ‘Nibblz’ flashing her nip in front of Flav’s friends made me think for a second that I was watching a spring break show!

Ok I know I probably should not be touching on this subject: But who the hell is doing ‘Nibblz’s’ makeup when she does her confessionals? She straight looked like a clown, during the interview, I kept expecting circus music to start blaring and for 2 little people to emerge from under each of her boobs.

Once it came down to ‘Like Dat’ and ‘Beeyootiful’ it was not that shocking what the ultimate decision was, though that final kiss off was creepy to no end!

And you have to love the surprise ending, I love the looks that were exchanged between the girls and the pantomime upchucks…awesome!

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Broke into my own apartment!

Because my roomies locked me out and I have not cut a new set of keys yet. While it makes my ego and id feel great to sneak in after a night of drinking, my superego is concerned since it clearly means that my apartment is not as secure as I wished it to be!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Mini Confession

I have been listening to the Danity Kane is the #1 album in the country

SSS and “I hate you Charlie”

So I now live in Mission beach which is great if you love the beach life (I am an island boy yet strangely never spent much time at the beach) but is not great for quick access to most places. So since I am now car less I had resolved that I would try as much as possible to walk/run/jog to anywhere that was within 3 miles or so. This radius includes the gym at 2.78 miles from my apartment. So with that in mind I set out last night to run (loose term meaning walk briskly) to the gym to work out.

Ironically during the run I kept thinking to myself; “I hope I do not see anyone I know on the way to a bar while I am dying of fatigue running to the gym”. Just shortly after I had those thoughts I spotted the title of this post at a bar having a drink. Ignoring the fact that there were other patrons right by the window and that I would have to shout over them I leaned in the bar and bellowed the words: “Charlie you bastard I hate you”. Now to ordinary folk “demz be fighting words” but to people of our ilk those are words of endearment. So instead of starting a fight those words elicited this response: “Come in and have a drink” my response “no man I am jogging to the gym” the bastards response to what I thought was undefeatable logic: “Come on in man and have one it will be good for the gym”
The exchange continues
CJ: “man I am in gym clothes”
Char: “This is Mission Beach – they wont give a fu@k”
CJ: “I need to go to the gym”
Char: “you need to have a drink”
Cj: “damn it man”
Char: “Just one”
CJ: “Ok, just one”
At this point the bouncer who had observed the whole exchange cracks up and bets that I do not make it to the gym to which I confidently respond “Oh I am definitely making it to the gym I am just having one drink”

So 6 gin and tonics later I am cursing Charlie’s name because not only have I clearly not made it to the gym I still have to walk almost 2 miles back home, I spent way more time at the bar than I should have which meant that I still had to go home and do work since I had to meet an attorney in the morning (bright and early). I had just spent a couple hours in a bar surrounded by beautiful women and unable to talk to them otherwise it would reveal that I was clearly in the wrong place ( no matter how relaxed a bar is – gym shorts and running shoes do not for a great pick up experience make)

I then ran home – the only good thing about drinking 6 gin and tonics in lieu of working out is that they sure do make you jog home faster, I refused to get busted for taking a leak in public and after the first half mile home I needed to go faster than Paris Hilton in a library (it is just so ez to take shots at her)

So of course last night’s adventure made this morning an SSS morning – you know the kind of morning when you do not have time do get ‘pretty’ you are restricted to the basics SHAVE, SHOWER and SPRINT out of the house.

I borrowed the roomies Volvo and decided I would test its safety rating, since I was cutting the meeting time close, so while driving I had to finish buttoning the shirt, applying facial moisturizer (the beach dries me out), apply lotion to the hands (no ashy hand shakes here) and file the nails (if you saw the picture of my eye in a previous blog – I have a bad habit of scratching my eyes at night – not sure when I developed the habit – but now I want my nails as smooth as possible) as well as taking the ‘mission bay corner’ as fast but as tight as possible – if you ever travel to mission beach coming off sea world or going on sea world drive you know the corner I am talking about – it is a wanna be race drivers dream.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.