Bachelor in Paradise recap or maybe Ivan is more charismatic than we thought?

 Oh Lord help me! I pushed back starting because I wanted to work out (destroying all of that with pizza) but is this really a THREE HOUR EPISODE? Why does this show hate me? I may have to break this up and finish in the morning. 

Again Lil Jon breaks out the empathetic voice as we get the recap of Ivan then the switch up to salacious voice. 

Trying my hardest to not open another bag of Takis Waves. 

Ivan tells Aaron "to keep that same energy" when Aaron gets in Ivan's face, Ivan knows no one fights on this show so it is a pretty safe move to step to anyone on this beach. 

Chelsea is not on the beach to see all of the back and forth, makes me suspicious that the producers hid her away on purpose to build tension. 

Ivan is talking a lot of smack while Aaron is not there but Aaron and James come back up to the main group Aaron apologizes for getting heated but Ivan senses weakness and pounces. Ivan keeps claiming that Chelsea was the one who came up to talk to him, BUT the show slides us a recap and it is clear that Ivan was the one who went to talk to Chelsea. You can tell it is a flashback because it is in sepia.

The problem for Aaron is that Ivan has more friends and he just has James, also Ivan is a bit smoother so Aaron is getting frustrated. Ivan has fully lied in everyone's face and now has Riley stepping in to defend him and Riley is yelling at Aaron who does my move where you side eye look at your aggressors and start to wonder in your head, how many shots can you get off before the sheer numbers pummel you...aka me swinging on a whole group of Lakers fans first year of law school...I gave as good as I got, SPURS FAN FOR LIFE! 

Ivan's lie is not a very good one because really it can be easily disproved but it appears he is hoping Aaron will do something dumb like get frustrated and swing on him or leave the show (Ivan even says "there's the stairs") before Chelsea returns and can shed light on the situation. We almost see Ivan's plan work when Aaron tells James he is thinking of leaving and James tells him nope. 

Chelsea returns and when she hears about the situation lets some of the girls know that she did not pull Ivan, Natasha is aghast that Ivan "is a liar." 

Aaron asks Chelsea to talk and Aaron is calmer than you would expect and tells her it is okay if she wanted to talk to Ivan "that is why we are here or whatever" but Chelsea immediately assures him that Ivan pulled her and not the way Ivan has told the story. 

Chelsea then goes to talk to Ivan and he starts a version but she says "everyone says that you said 'Chelsea pulled me'" which immediately makes Ivan hard of hearing "what's up?" "EVERYONE SAID..." Ivan compounds his lie and starts to claim he never said "Chelsea pulled me" he claims "I did not know Chelsea had an interest in me."

I think this season Ivan has steadily diminished his standing in Bachelor Nation but tonight he has decided to set fire to it. 

ROSE CEREMONY:

Now that she is safe from concern Natasha is beaming as the lineup begins. 

Wells comes in and tells the group that something has to be addressed first, "something happened at the hotel while we were sheltering from the storm...Ivan can we go talk." Notice the show waited to hype the drama here so Wells and Ivan go off to talk. The talk is visible to the assembled group and they are all speculating what Ivan might have done. Noah was his roommate at the hotel but claims he does not know what Ivan might have done. Apparently the group was not supposed to leave their rooms. Ivan confesses that he was feeling lost in paradise and "last night I spent time with Alexa at the hotel." Wells asks "how did this happen, she is not here yet" as in on the beach. Ivan saw a producer's phone with Alexa's name on it so he swiped the info to her room

"I shouldn't have gone around the system...love makes you do weird crazy things" uhmm bro you cannot be calling it love right after claiming you had never met her before. Wells tells Ivan to come clean to the group to make it better than if Wells lets the group know. 

Ivan tells the group that Alexa from Peter's season has been the person he has been waiting for

then claims that if Chelsea had offered him her rose he would not have accepted it because he was checked out of the Paradise experience...sure bro, which is why you joined the line up, it is why you had your boy Riley defend you, it is why you tried to get Aaron booted...but sure you would not have accepted the rose. By the way it is okay to not remember who Alexa is, I got you: 

Ivan gets some hugs on the way out but Riley pulls him aside "you know I got love for you, but you are supposed to be better than that" Riley is definitely feeling hurt that he rode hard for a dude that just sold him out.

I remain convinced Riley's biggest regret is not that Ivan disappointed him but that he yelled at Aaron on behalf of lies. 

Roses still have to go out: 

Serena to Joe; Abigail to Noah; Maurissa to Riley with Maurissa adding "it has been years since I felt this way about someone" (but you got there without dating right since you have never been on a date before paradise right?); Mari to Kenny; Becca to Thomas; Chelsea to Aaron; Natasha to Ed (bye bye Dr. Joe, I suspect Brendan hurt you here)

; Tia to James as Riley squeezes Blake's shoulder in solidarity, Tia tells James the rose is due to his effort. 

Next Day: 

Wells tells the group to go down to the beach "to meet your new guest host for the week" I love how they pretend that there will be full weeks. The cast gets to the beach and...the host is...Wells!

I predicted that, it felt too easy with the show not putting a host in the start promo reel. (Of course the cast does not have the benefit of watching from a couch). 

Kenny and Mari are hitting a rocky patch, Kenny is saying the passion is waning and asks Mari "do you think we need to pump the brakes a little bit?" Now now Kenny, is this because you have lost the excitement of 2 women fighting over you? Or has Mari gotten too comfortable with you? Convenient feelings the day after men get the roses. 

The 'Home Economics' cast breaking it down to 'Come on and Bring it' by Devmo made me chuckle through their ad. 

Maurissa, Tia and Becca eat popcorn while ogling some of the men exercising. 

Anna from Matt's season gets to the beach and tells us "I am known for not being very nice." Anna's smell is complemented by Wells and she tells him (then shows us) that she is wearing pheromones as she dabs some more on. 

Anna grabs Kenny first and Mari is not happy, she worries that in the 'real world' Kenny and Anna live close to each other, she does not need to worry, Kenny tells Anna that if she asks him on a date he would say no due to Mari. Thomas also says no to a date with Anna. James is next pulled by Anna he is excited by the pull, James says "I am the only guy that has not been on a date, guy or girl." James accepts a date from Anna. Tia acknowledges that James should get the chance to explore but she is not happy about it. 

Abigail has a talk with Wells about her and Noah, Wells tells her to open up to Noah. 

Date: 

The couple are expecting a sensual massage, instead they are directed to create a human churro, where they roll in cinnamon and sugar, slather themselves in chocolate sauce and then rub each other

...their host then returns with a pair of yellow boa snakes which she places on the couple. Were they boas? I have a massive snake phobia so I was kind of looking away from the screen while the snakes were on.

I would have packed everything up and left that date immediately. CUT ME FROM THE SHOW I DO NOT CARE. While Tia and her cohort are on the beach talking about James he is back on the date making out with Anna. 

I am cracking up at the Melissa Joan Hart ad for Maxwell House I am never going to get through to the third hour of this show tonight because the ads have been so good. 

Mykenna finally makes it to the beach, she was in that group of 4 women that got to go to the VIP party earlier in the season but she didn't make it to the beach. Mykenna is canvassing the guys for a date and it is not going well until Aaron shows her some kindness and Mykenna takes that to mean she should ask him on the date so she asks in public if he would like to go on the date and Aaron responds "Yeah let's chat real quick." Aaron takes her aside to let her down gently. Aaron's response leaves Mykenna crying though she held it together until Aaron left so he thinks she is okay.

 

The group watches Mykenna cry from afar and finally Ed goes down to talk to Mykenna and Ed tries to get a date with Mykenna and I am suffering terrible second hand embarrassment from watching Ed try to get this date...Mykenna tells him she would rather go home, but Ed pushes.

Ed's insistence on getting this date makes me go from embarrassment to uncomfortable. While the group is cheering that Ed is getting a date Natasha is staring daggers - this group does not care for Natasha as much as they pretend in interviews. 

Ed and Mykenna ("Myk") walk off into the sunset. 

Natasha ("Nat") tell us she gave Ed her rose because she thought he really liked her...you might remember that Nat's radar has not been the best. 

Date: 

Ed and Myk are going roller skating, I have literally never been on roller skates, I would bust my ass. "Thanks for inviting yourself on my date" which leads to a makeout after dinner. Myk says she does not want the night to end. 

Back to Nat and she is starting to think she is getting played...again. 

Other couples on the beach like Joe and Serena think they have a solid plan while Mari worries about her relationship with Kenny "I need something to help it" so right on time we get the show sending in a priestess who is also a bruja (witch) to Deus ex machina the relationship. Uhmm does Thomas speak Spanish did I just hear him translate? I would not have expected that. 

The Bruja takes Mari and Kenny for a cleansing ceremony, while the group watches from afar and Thomas sounds mildly jealous that he did not get to participate. I am becoming more annoyed by the depictions of Mexicans on this show, they tend to be just props and more often than not stereotypical props at that. 

Noah tells us he is ready to tell Abigail that he is falling for her, but he is worried she will not say it back. Noah tells Abigail that he is falling in love with her and his feelings are very strong for her and Abigail literally just winks back and smiles when Noah says "a wink." Off to commercial break. 

We come back from commercial break not to Noah and Abigail but to Ed and Myk with Myk calling Ed old at 37. 

The show has created 'Paradise Prom' and it is going to be 80s themed because the producers are probably all around my age and AMERICANS around my age REALLY REALLY LOVE THE BLOODY 80s.

As Aaron says based on the clothing from the 80s he is going to assume "that everyone was a professional clown." 

Joe is very excited about prom and carves his request to Serena in the sand. 

All the guys are doing cheesy gestures to ask the ladies out. 

Now that Anna is here Tia is not confident that James will ask her out "at this point since Natasha is sick I am the only who is here all alone." Am I too cynical to think that Nat's sickness is heart-sickness?

Chelsea tells us that she wants to have fun with Aaron "but Aaron is busy having fun with James." 

Wells spikes the punch to keep the prom theme and bartender theme going strong. 

Tia is floating around the prom feeling lost because she has no one to talk to...but Aaron pulls her aside to take her outside, he tells her he doesn't want to have any regrets so he gives her a corsage and they make out...so Tia you are not a villain in this also? Aaron is for sure a super-villain here, but Tia is not an innocent. As Chelsea points out "it is rude and disrespectful" by Aaron and makes me feel extra confident in all of my prior assertions in prior recaps that Aaron's biggest issue was feeling insulted by the guys trying to take 'HIS women' not because he had any love or even mild concern for the women.

Aaron saw his homie James with Tia and once his homie was over Tia it became his turn? 

Time for Paradise Superlatives: 

Biggest flirt - Kenny

Best kisser - (of toes) Maurissa

Most likely to live happily ever after - Abigail and Noah...Abigail now tells us that she didn't register it the night before when Noah told her he was falling for her "he said it so quickly I thought he said it accidentally" so she plans to tell him tonight she is falling for him. Will Noah break up with her before she gets the chance. 

The Paradise Prom King and Queen are Joe and Serena. 

Noah and Abigail go off to chat and Noah is worried that with fantasy suites coming up he doesn't want to do a disservice to themselves..."gut feeling...you can love somebody but not be in love with them." Noah does not want to hurt Abigail so he is concerned about how to talk to Abigail. Noah lets us know that it is Abigail's first prom, but he is still going to have the talk with her, thought you didn't want to hurt her bro? As Noah talks Abigail looks stone faced. When she finally speaks Abigail says she has "never been this blindsided before." "You have been pushing and pushing me to get to your level...but you had more than 24 hours to tell me...you said you have been losing sleep over it" Abigail is dissecting Noah's inconsistencies. "My entire paradise is Noah...I don't know why he picked tonight to have this conversation" yuuup! Abigail goes to the bathroom to escape Noah and we hear her crying. 

Oh hey we still have lil Jon to give us voiceover work to promo the next episode. 

Bloopers: 

James and Aaron are working out together. 

"James and Aaron are the bromance" "If James or Aaron went home, the other would self eliminate" - Tia. "I told him yesterday that if he talks to James more than me today I am taking my rose back." - Chelsea.

I failed on not opening that bag. 

Bachelor in Paradise recap or Is it "Sad Boy Summer"?

 A quick look back to an incident from prior episodes: Alana talked to guys at the VIP party the night before, so the show making it seem like she only targeted Chris was a bit shady, both she and others have noted that she spent a lot of time talking to other guys at the party but that did not play well with the narrative that the show wanted. 

Hearing Lil Jon use "soft spoken sentimental narrator" voice is hilarious. 

Let us start the show with Kendall staring at Joe and Serena "falling in love" and it is eating her up. Wells asks Kendall what is her plan going forward and Kendall says "I want to have a talk with Joe." Uhmm okay. 

Kendall "I will always love Joe, and I think he feels the same way that I do" so yup, Kendall is in the mix. Kendall tells Joe that she has never stopped loving him which elicits a big hug and Serena looking pensive in the distance.

Kendall asks Joe why he came to paradise "the reason I came out here is because I knew it was over between us." Joe continues "I thought you felt the same way." Good on Joe for not waffling on this, he was clear, but kind. 
Joes stance let's Kendall know there is no future for them on the beach so she leaves.

Ivan now worries because Kendall got his rose so this leaves him vulnerable should have given it to Deandra son. 

NEXT DAY: 

Lil Jon tells the group he wants to shake things up so he brings in Demar and Ed, and Ed is here to make sure you all know he has been working out. Aaron tells us that "Ed's legs are like two thick Christmas hams. They are absolutely massive, they would feed a whole village of cannibals. Demar is a mountain of a man, that is a bit concerning to me." As Demar runs in Maurissa looks thirsty.

 Demar pulls Cheslea aside for a quick chat Chelsea lets him know that she was with Aaron but she is down to explore. Ed pulls Natasha for a chat. 

Maurissa is next to chat to Demar, Riley is nervous Becca tells us (then Maurissa confirms) that Maurissa's stated guy was Demar and she is excited to see him. Lucky for Riley Demar picks Chelsea...unlucky for Aaron. 

Because I was sneaking in a bit of work and not immediately grabbing the remote I saw the new lil Nas X and Elton John ad where Elton gets Mayo on the side for his fries and Nas X thinks it is weird...I am just amused that their names can be hacked to give our host's name AND my coz also eats fries with mayo, he is weird too...he lives in Florida. 

Now that Maurissa cannot go on a date with Demar she tells us that she came to Paradise to get engaged but she thinks Riley "is very good with actions but not with words" the irony of an attorney not being good with words. Throughout Maurissa's lament we see Riley working out hence his chyron 'Works Out.'

THE DATERS:

Go for an art class the location is La Joya not to be confused with San Diego's La Jolla. 

Natasha is thirsting while painting. One of the paintings in the background while the men are posing has to get the black box treatment. Poor Natasha has been damaged so much on this beach that I am not sure she should trust her judgment just based on looks, but that is going to be hard to parse with sun, booze and lust. 

Back to the beach, as Noah and Abigail really desire a date, a date card arrives and it is for Kenny...you sillies really thought the producers were going to be nice to a couple that is drama free? 

Date night: 

Kenny and Mari are doing a dinner date with a chef that is teaching them plating...and using their bodies as the plates...of course Kenny is all about it since it is a chance to get naked. Mari is enjoying placing food (a taco spread) on Kenny and consuming it.

Mari "I'll get naked I dont care, I am comfortable with my body...it is nothing he hasn't seen...i think Kenny is very excited to eat my tacos, he has expressed that quite a bit." Kenny "Mari is the hottest plate I have ever seen, she is a freak, behind closed doors you gotta watch out." And the show really plays some porny (is that a word? It should be) music while the naked dinner occurs. Mari tells us that she is falling in love with Kenny. 

Back to the Beach and James has done a set up for Tia with some blocks pained for their hometowns hers a one stoplight town so just a stoplight, his New York with the skyline...weird that he isn't showing love to San Diego

. James talks to Tia about their backgrounds but this is not working, the chemistry is clearly not there. Tia thanks him with a bare minimum kiss and then tells us "It is good to listen to your head but sometimes you just gotta listen to your vagina" she wants to listen to the "tingle in [her] vagina." 

Back to Kenny and Mari: 

Mari is telling us that she is nervous about telling Kenny that she is falling in love with him. BUT, on their evening date Kenny beats her to the punch and tells her he is falling in love with her...something he says he never tells anyone. 

Time for a makeout montage of many of the couples on the beach as Kenny and Mari make their way to the Boom Boom Room. 

Maurissa is talking to Chelsea and second guessing her relationship with Riley, she does not like that Riley did not say he came to BiP for her. 

Maurissa and Riley ("RM") have a talk, M is not happy that R did not step up for her when he thought Demar might take her on the date. M thinks R is closed off...do not forget they were sucking toes last episode. R starts to let out the trauma of his situation with his dad and tells M he hates talking about it and M says "but you need to" so the tears start flowing from R as he opens up. 

M says she is having a hard time saying something but finally says "I am starting to fall in love with you" in response to Riley telling her he is too. 

Daytime as the group huddles and peeps worry about the upcoming rose ceremony, productions comes and haves a meeting with the cast and lets them know a "dangerous tropical storm is coming" so the whole production has to shut down so that they can evacuate. Because this show knows how to build drama on top of drama, it makes sure to separate the men from the women as they evacuate...can't have happy couples. 

The storm ends and the couples are back like nothing happened they are greeted by Lil Jon who asks "was everybody OKAYYYY?" It will be a daytime cocktail party...production is wasting no time by waiting until the nighttime. 

Tia is concerned that the guys pursuing her are not pursuing her but rather the rose. Tia tells Blake "I want to be pursued...I want to feel important."

Tia knows that she is tempted by the bad boy personality of Blake. Tia is telling Blakes that his words do not matter, she wants actions, Blake is unsure what actions he could have/should have taken. In fairness Tia was not the clearest here but Blake is also a bit of a wet sponge, sure he might have tats and drive a bike (as Tia tells us) but he doesn't exactly strike me as the bad boy that Tia claims she is attracted to. 

The Michelle promo makes me think the best thing for Katie is that she went first...

Ivan tells Aaron and James that he is not going to try to steal anyone's rose. Aaron tells us that Ivan is on "sad boy summer" because Ivan does not have someone he is coupled up with.

Aaron sets up a mini runway on the beach to try and step into Chelsea's world while Ivan, Noah and Riley watch with Ivan saying he thinks Aaron is not that into Chelsea and is just angling for the rose.

Chelsea tells Aaron that she was hoping her date with Demar would end "semi-early so I can get back to Aaron." Aaron thinks they are in a good place as long as he does not mess it up...so much foreshadowing. 

Ivan takes Chelsea aside for a chat. As they sit Chelsea calls Ivan the homie but then lets him know she is not friend zoning him by calling him the homie. Ivan is putting in the conversation as Chelsea asks him if he has ever had thoughts about her, of course he says yes...there is some tension as they stare at each other and then Ivan moves in for the kiss as Aaron and James watch from a distance.

James "He is rose hunting bro" Aaron "I will slap that stupid beard off his face." "That guy is such a snaky bitch bag." James "Tell him how you feel bro." Aaron "Easily done" "Dude is built like a fricking chopstick, I will snap him in half." Aaron tries to call Ivan over to talk about it but Ivan refuses to walk to him so Aaron steps up to Ivan and we get the chest bumping that is the pre-fight staple of men who really do not want to fight but will have to fight if it is not broken up. 

Bloopers: 
The crew tries the chicken nugget challenge with Mari to see how many nuggets she can fit in her mouth Mari initially misunderstands the plan and immediately chews the first nugget! 

Bachelor in Paradise or is there anywhere you will not suck?

 The fact that I just burned my tongue on a too hot donut as I fire this show up just feels right. 

Tituss Burgess ("TB")gets added to the opening montage holding a magnum of wine. 

We start with 9 guys and 14 girls so the math is scary for the ladies who are not coupled up. 

The waters are starting to swirl around Brendan as the ladies start to call out the fact that his friendship with the other men appears to be protecting him. 

Cocktail Party: 

TB comes out to talk to the ladies and makes a reference to Alana coming in and leaving in one day Jessenia makes a crack about people plotting to get on paradise and seeking screen time. 

As the party progresses Natasha is starting to get more juiced up as she has listeners and Demi gassing her up, Joe is always happy to join in (plus THEY SHARE A PODCAST created by "the producers of the Bachelor Franchise," I am not even labeling it that way, that is literally the tagline on the website). 

Joe leads his team or "harem" as Pieper describes it and Brendan says "Joey is coming at me." Weird that none of the other guys roll up it is just Joe and women, not even Riley while his partner Maurissa is in this mess.

Brendan is being grilled and finally Deandra says what I was thinking, let's hear from Pieper. Pieper really has DGAF energy and does not try to pretend that she cared to talk to anyone else on her way to paradise. Brendan stands firm and says there is no rule book to paradise...he aint wrong...ish. 

Brendan says he is "going to remove myself" and Maurissa asks "from the situation or from paradise" and Brendan snaps back "That is not your concern" which Demi calls disrespectful...DEMI! 

Brendan and Pieper ("BP") continue to act like they do not know how mic packs and cameras work and snitch on themselves in their quiet moments - "obviously we all care about followers, that is just part of this franchise...And obviously I am excited for the future possibility of making more money, but I would have gotten there eventually. I have a masters degree in marketing" Pieper is saying the quiet part out loud. 

BP sound like they are thinking along my lines, you cannot let the mob chase you out. But now we hear Pieper tell Brendan "I told you I didn't want to come, I told you." Uh oh! Brendan asks "do you wanna go?" Pieper responds "I wanna rewind time." Demi is crowing to others about her targeting BP and BP walks up and B lets the assembled crowd know that P is the girl he wants to be with so they are leaving together. P is looking super salty in the 'limo' as they drive off. 

Riley and Maurissa ("RM") break off and Maurissa has a blanket set up with strawberries and whipped cream ON THE SAND. She set up a game where you draw body parts from a bowl and you have to lick whipped cream from the body part. R first draws 'thighs' so as he licks we get the black box, then Maurissa gets 'lips',

here is the thing this is NOT on a secluded part of the beach so as Riley licks from 'chest' pretty much the entire cast is watching. But then Maurissa draws 'toes' (we assume since the draw was not seen) and loads up R's big toe with whipped cream and goes for the kill after they walked to that blanket ON THE SAND!

Note they are close enough to the bar that Wells the bartender can see them interacting. After the toe sucking there is a jaunt to the 'boom boom room.

' Let me be clear I do not care if YOU suck your partners toe's but Wells is echoing my thoughts...ON THE SAND

...When they come back and R asks for "2 glasses of champagne please" Tammy asks "what are we celebrating a baby?" 

While the show is on real life intrudes slightly as the Cali gubernatorial recall vote scrolls in the lower third as Thomas tells Tammy that he had a good date with Becca. It is Tammy's birthday but Thomas is not here to give her a great birthday gift. Tammy is telling Thomas that she is willing to fight but Thomas tells Tammy "things just feel a little more stable" "With us?" "Elsewhere" Thomas one date with Becca makes you think things would be more stable with her? Ouch. 

Tammy says "I trusted you with everything and I feel like a fool for trusting you." Thomas tries to give Tammy platitudes and she tells him she does not need to hear any of that junk from him. Tammy's dress is not made for crying on a beach. Becca takes Thomas off for a make-out session "are you okay?" 
Tammy lets us know "LAST YEAR I GOT COVID ON MY BIRTHDAY AND THIS IS TEN TIMES WORSE." Uhmm Tammy for the sake of the world and your health maybe sleep through your next birthday? At this point I wouldn't be surprised if whatever city she is in for her next birthday is invaded or worse. 

Rose Ceremony:

Wells continues to host the Rose Ceremony and I think this is screen testing for a potential hosting gig on the main franchise. Natasha gets presented with a specialty rose to preserve her time on the show. OH COME ON THIS IS SHADY, THE SHOW NEVER PROTECTS ANYONE BUT SOMEONE WHO WORKS FOR THE FRANCHISE? I kid you not, going into the commercial break I wondered if the show would spring a surprise, but I thought it might have been by bringing in new guys early. 

Roses: 

Riley to Maurissa; Joe to Serena; Ivan to Kendall (while Joe stares); Noah to Abigail; Kenny to Mari (as Demi makes a face);

 James to Tia; Thomas to Becca (Tammy now regrets leaving Aaron for Thomas); Aaron gets the power rose and selects Chelsea. Tammy "I am so angry at myself, I feel so betrayed, I feel so stupid, I feel like an idiot." "This is the worst birthday ever" and Tammy houses a cupcake in the goodbye car. 

Demi's anger with leaving seems to be more about the fact that Kenny chose Mari over her and less about her not finding love. 

As the remaining group toasts Lil Jon rolls in and hits the group with a "YEAH!" Lil Jon and Natasha spray the group with champagne, the black man in me thinks Natasha made sure to keep her hair on the dry side of the champagne display. 

Next morning: 

Riley works out in bunny slippers. 

Blake from Clare's season shows up

and tells us that he turned 32 during lockdown so this is his birthday present. Blake is tatted up and this is making Tia hot and Natasha oohs.

Blake pulls Tia so James immediately panics. I am amused that so many think that Blake has amazing tats and I am not a fan of his ink. Blake says "it is good to formally meet you" as he and Tia break and I am immediately suspicious. Blake takes Tia for "the ride of your life." 

James' ride in paradise is so bad that we get the rare acknowledgement of the passage of time as we are told multiple times that every Monday he has to get a new partner. 

Date time: 

lil Jon rolls up in an ATV for the couple. 

Tia tells us that kissing Blake makes her vagina dance (James was right to be worried) Tia also tells us that she is ovulating right now, I guess we needed to know that too (in case she gets pregnant?). I also was silly enough to search "vagina dance gif" and not expect the stuff I saw while remoted in to my work desktop. 

Mari and Kenny go to the boom boom room to "play patty cake on the bed, that's it" no matter what the night vision shows us. 

Natasha is seeing the couples around paradise and feeling a bit mopey. As she tells us that she needs a man "with alcohol wipes to wipe" her white board completely clean from any smudges of past relationships...in walks Dr. Joe, hey did you guys know that doctors use alcohol wipes?

Dr. Joe takes Nat aside to talk to her first and the whole beach is hoping that Joe will take her on the date...he does. As Joe and Nat walk off he notes "Brendan is not here" "Oh he was." 

Dr. Joe ("DJ") breaks out his attempt at Spanish and like a gentleman dinks the large margarita with a bug so that Nat can have a bug free glass. Back to the beach and the remaining group note that DJ and Brendan are boys and that it might not be the best thing for Nat to bring up that she and Brendan had a strong interaction. DJ immediately is told by Nat that she and Brendan had a strong interaction, "did you know that they were dating?" Nat asks that question of DJ re BP with the look that will let any smart guy know that the only safe answer is a form of "no" so Joe side steps with "not dating, dating." 

Natasha in her ITM knows that telling DJ about her issues with Brendan immediately changed the dynamic as DJ keeps repeating "It had to be Brendan huh?" 

Regular Joe ("RJ") is in a good place with Serena while Kendall still stares at the couple. Joe continues to wear slides with socks on the beach, it is so weird, he must have a foot fungus or something, I just cannot shake that strategy without there being something wrong. RJ and Serena go for a picnic on the beach and Serena "shoots [her] shot here" "I am falling in love with you" and RJ responds "I am falling in love with you too." Kendall says "it is relatively new" about her break up with RJ of "a year and a half ago." Kendall is starting to worry that she should not be in paradise. Ivan picks a really bad time to try to kiss Kendall.

Bloopers:

Aaron lists out "the facts in paradise" - "It is hot as F#$k - Fact" "Mosquitoes wake up every morning and choose violence. - Fact" "Riley is an attorney and he thinks education is important, but he also thinks big biceps is important-er - Fact" "Thomas is a big body trash can - Fact" "When it comes to Noah, Noah doesn't know-ah when to shut the F#@k up - Fact" "James is like my homey-homey...I'm team James all the way - Fact" "I have been in paradise for over a month now, and I know these might seem like these are my opinions but I promise you they are BIG FACTS." See Aarons are always funny, y'all are welcome.