Not ashamed to say I am already planning my menu for Michelle's first episode as the Bachelorette, hopefully we can have our socially distanced crew meet up.
The big problem with knowing Lil John is going to host and hearing his voice as the VO week to week is that I measure all the hosts against my expectations of him.
Lil John trying to sound concerned "do Kendall and Joe still love each other?" cracks me up. When you see the absolute beauty of the women of color in the cheesy intro you really have to wonder why this show seemed to actively fight diversity for so long...and the men are no slouches either.
We restart with Kendall's beeline to Joe and "hey butthead." Kendall is nervously panting when she asks Joe to go and talk.
Demi is happy to stir concerns in Serena as she prattles on about what Kendall's intentions might be.
Kendall and Joe show some sparkling conversation at first "are you okay?" "What about you, are you okay?" "I am surprised you are okay." Mari asks a question of Serena that I cannot think she expects a positive answer to "How would you feel if they rekindled things?" Is Serena's answer supposed to be "I would love it!"?
Kendall is beating around the bush and finally gets to "It is difficult for me to not have you as a part of my life."
Ice cream bowl one has been finished, really need to avoid getting to bowl 3.
The show gives us a throwback to Joe and Kendall's past sparkling conversations "I like to go to picnic in cemeteries...they are the most beautiful places...no one goes there." The show then shows flashbacks of the couple's happier times together while they reminisce. Joe lets Kendall know that he is only talking to one person "and I really like her."
They argue about Joe's desire and Kendall's reluctance to her moving to Chicago. Kendall doesn't want to discuss the Chicago move too much "emotionally closure is a little difficult for me right now." In a confessional Joe says "I think it is pretty clear that Kendall still loves me...i don't know if I still love Kendall." Joe does not want to mess up his situation with Serena but I am not hearing the sounds of a man ready to deliberately cut it off with Kendall.
The Bach female vets have a talk with Kendall.
Joe pulls Serena aside for a chat and tells her she is a priority for him "I want to keep going on the pace that we are going." Then Joe asks "Do you?" and Serena gives a heavy pause "I don't know" then acquiesces and tells Joe to not blindside her if he is going back to Kendall.
Noah and Joe have a talk about Noah's situation with Abigail, Joe tells Noah to try again with Abigail. Noah tells us that he does not "want to throw away a good thing." Noah and Abigail go to have a talk and both acknowledge that they are bad at communicating with each other but both "still wanna be the power couple of the beach...Royalty!"
Mari is starting to regret her move with Kenny where she told him she wanted to see other people but now she realizes "My feelings for him are a lot stronger than I thought." Mari communicates to Jessenia that she wants to get back with Kenny while Kenny and Tia are on their date.
As Kenny and Tia return to the bar area Mari asks Kenny to go and talk before he settles in with the group and Mari tells him that "it was hard seeing you with other people" "I have feelings for you" and re letting him go "I regret that." Kenny is not willing to jump right back in with Mari he wants to discuss it the next morning...
Demi in the meantime is not happy that someone else could be talking to the man she stole guess she does not know the proverb "thief steals from a thief, God laughs" - The spell check really hated me trying to do this in patois where it just sounds better "Tief from a thief, God laugh."
Demi is now seeking validation from others about her situation with Kenny. Demi finally gets to talk to Kenny and tells us "I think Mari sucks, I think she is mean, I think she is a brat" if she had not said Mari at the start of that I would have thought Demi was looking in a mirror. Demi wants to know what Mari said to Kenny and "this is not cool...this is not what I do...I don't like it." Demi plays her trump card "Do you want to go to the boom boom room?" But, Kenny tells Demi he just wants to go to sleep, Kenny's chyron is listed as '40 year old."
Next day we start with Thomas juggling, did you know he is 6'6"
Natasha is feeling good about her relationship with Brendan...dun dun dun..."I see a real future" so of course here comes Pieper
"and I am here to see Brendan." On Pieper's arrival Brendan starts to glow and smile until he catches Natasha's eye.
Pieper has a date card "welcome to paradise choose someone you have a spark with" Pieper does not waste time "Brendan will you go on this date with me?" This shocks the audience since everyone is used to the extended interview process before a date is picked. Brendan says yes to the date but before he and Pieper head off he asks for some time to talk to Natasha...but with the major rain that is descending I suspect the producers told him there is time to kill.
Brendan tells Nat that "obviously unexpected" "we [Pieper] have a certain connection, and obviously you and I have a certain connection and both are something that I want to explore." Brendan claims the Pieper interaction prior to the show was just casual so he wants the time to get to know her on a deeper level now. Nat has the look of a woman who is not believing a word she is being told.
All aspects of the baby voice are gone from Natasha as she cries in her confessional about Brendan being the reason BiP has been tolerable for her.
Brendan and Pieper (B/P) are having a dinner date B tells her "Not to be cocky but a lot of the girls here wanted to talk to me" and he proceeds to tell Pieper that he gave his first rose to Natasha and lets her know that people have accused him of dating Pieper - "the way I handled was cool, calm and collected...we were casual..." Pieper says "I just feel like you are kind of downplaying what we had coming into here" she thought "I would come in and we would be right where we left things" and thinks "there is a disconnect here." In her ITM "I don't think I would have flown my ass here if I did not think I was sure in what we had."
Brendan tells Pieper what I think we all knew; he had to tell the group that he and Pieper were casual because if he "told everyone I had a girlfriend" he would not "potentially, hopefully be here when you are here." Pieper wishes she could have "been more privy to it" but Brendan notes there was no way to do it to let her know...clear scheming, I know peeps will hate it, but I love it and this is even though it happened to a Nubian princess. Pieper is now glowing "everyone can hate us, or they can hate us together." "I am here for Brendan he is my boyfriend." Look if you can get a free trip to Mexico and then get paid a per episode fee THAT IS A WIN! And to have a trip to Mexico with the person you want to date...extra win!
RED ALERT RED ALERT...The Y the last man series is finally premiering - September 13th.
B/P are a full couple the next day and the beach crew are feeling justified in their suspicions. Riley, Deandra and Maurissa look like a thruple while they discuss the B/P situation.
Nat now wants to talk to Pieper and takes her aside to talk after getting a massive drink. Natasha is back to a bit of the sotto voce. Nat starts to grill Pieper "how long have you guys known each other" "we met like 2 months ago" "he said a month ago" How many times did you hang out" "about 10 times" "he said 2 times" B/P should have gotten their stories straight.
Nat realizes "I was played, I let this human swindle me." Nat is mad that B/P might be here just for TV...shall I remind you that Nat has a Bach nation podcast? While Nat and Pieper are talking Brendan is telling others on the beach that he was Nat's saving grace since she didn't have any other prospects.
Nat confronts Brendan, she thinks she and Brendan had more than a friendship "I had a friendship with Ivan" Brendan thinks she had "somewhat selective hearing." Nat asks B if someone came down with a new date card would he go and he says "out of respect for the process and the strong feelings with Pieper" he would not go on a new date. Nat lets B know "the core of the issue is that you are a liar" when she finds out that Pieper went to Boston to visit B by herself even while he tried to pretend they only went on 2 dates.
The general beach consensus is on Nat's side with peeps thinking B/P are shady. Nat says to Ivan "why did you not tell me your friend is a liar?" As Nat is yelling that B/P are here for the "Clou-T" B/P are discussing their growing followers...ooh savage producers. Uh oh Brendan is getting the villain edit Nat says "he wasn't attracted to me" meanwhile on the daybed B/P are still talking and B says "I was getting so annoyed by her" "Surprised she's like, still here, I guess, but...I don't know."
There were some twitter pushes for people to unfollow B/P and their follower counts did take a hit tonight...they will be aite even though he is down almost 15%.
Deandra like Nat thinks B/P are only there for clout, Nat wants Ivan to admit that "I get, that's your boy but you gotta say that's [bleeped] up." Nat thinks B/P should leave. B/P are chuckling about how bad they are going to look and the show makes sure to let us know that B is trying to hide what he is about to say by putting captions up "(scratches his microphone)" B "I incriminated myself enough where it's like, I am screwed."
Question didn't Chris and Jessenia pull this same move? I mean granted they did not have a publicized relationship coming in, but clearly Jessenia was waiting for Chris and Chris was hoping to get to see her, are we just going after B/P because they were not smooth with their subterfuge?
Blooper:
Serena blindfolds Joe and gives him a taste test that ends with her kissing him and Joe being funny and saying "Abigail" when he is 'guessing' the last thing he tasted.
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