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Saturday, February 19, 2011

Jersey Shore recap, come on no way do I know what episode # DVR says "The great Depression"

So I heard a good theory on the 'BS report' which attempted to explain why it seemed like the kids on JS can be so angry with each other one day and super happy with each other the next; almost as if they were seeing something that we were not able to see. The theory is that they are actually watching the Miami season as the 3rd season is being filmed. I do not think they are watching, I think they all just watched it heading into the new season and as their booze addled brains float in and out of consciousness they realize their feelings.

So the Epi starts with Ron crying actually crying is mild he is weeping, look I know some men cry, but these are the kind of tears that you usually see reserved for death. "Some days doctor situation, chef situation...bang your girl situation" Hahah Ron immediately realizes how ridiculous it is to listen to the S(n)itchuation talk about relationships.

"Mentally I feel like I have been abused" that is what Sam says, funny cause that is how I feel when watching this damn show. And nope not making light of abuse, I really feel like that relationship is bloody abusive, and I am usually hesitant to throw around that word. Heck NT for ages has called him Rapey and abusive and I stuck up for him, but damn the last few weeks of epis, has looked extreme.

Ron going to the girls looking for sympathy just strikes me as odd. That is like wearing fur to a PETA board meeting. And now he goes to the boys and Vinnie immediately makes a joke...maybe this is why he went to the girls first.

"1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a prank war" So announces Pauly D. If it was not for the rhyming nature of the sentence I would think that, that is as far as he could count. I know I was not the only one shocked that the girls could fit UNDER the beds. While the prank war is going on, I notice that the Sitch is sleeping...he really has lost his MVP status this season.

Snooks looking for her Crocodile pillow reminds me of an ex that would always sleep with a body pillow that was long and cylindrical...I am not saying I'm just saying...weird huh? So we already have Mike Snitchuating again. Oh damn it: Vinnie just called the Situation, Snitchuation not like I thought I was new with this or anything, but anytime the JS kids come up with something that I have come up with also...a little piece of me dies inside.

And there we go a Skins ad, with its ratings I actually thought it might have been cancelled.

Ron claims that Sam is the one he loves the most. OK NT, you are right, "he is the Ike Turner of the Jersey Shore". Did they really blame Ron for clogging not 1 but 3 toilets? That is scary and impressive. Damn it Ron man up, you cannot be crying in the bathroom. You really know Snooks has to go because she called him Ronaldo [Damn another week, and I just find out a real name? I need to quit this show].

The girls are supposedly hurrying to remove Sam's stuff from her room so Ron does not see it and get depressed. Yet they look like they are moving backwards. And how do you bloody forget a huge bag in the closet? I do not care how metro they might think Ron is, that purse was never going to be his. If I was in that house and ever wanted to know anything I would immediately just ask the Snitch. Come on Ron, if you want to know who moved Sam's stuff just ask him.

I think it is smart of that T-shirt store to give them Uniforms that have the stores name on front and the kids name on back...great promotion and I bed those damn shirts sell like hot cakes. Hmm now I want cake, I think I will make a cake or at least giant chocolate chip cookies today. Guess I have to hit the gym for a couple hours today.

Sorry to quote the 'BS report' again but they brought up a great point; If Tiger Woods had Ronnie's skills Elin would not only have stayed with him she would have thought all his cheating was her fault.

Ok so Paulie finds a disgusting pair of undies in the bathroom and instead of hmm I don't know, leaving them there, or throwing them away he instead takes them to the living room and puts them on a bean bag...but Deena adds to that disgusting level and PICKS THEM UP! I think Ron with his immense logic might be right, she touched them, they must be hers.

Damn it, I need to see single Ronnie. Hmm really convenient that a 'Friend' that just happens to be Paulie's ex just conveniently shows up. Mike's way of dancing with her kind of feels Rapey (shout out to NT).

Ron declares that he will get her back (Sam) because "I get what I want". Sounds creepy when he says it. But, I often think like that. mini M.O.T. here, I think like that all the time, in fact I recently admitted to 2 girls that I ended up dating that when I first saw them I turned to my homies and said I would date them. Even though at the time, both had bfs at the time. BUT I never ever have taken another man's girl: not my move.

"I wanna meet hot guerilla juice heads" but instead Snooks meets a "Mario Brother". I find that the guys Snooks really likes are pretty much the opposite of what most of my friends like. "Deena turns into the Sloppapotamus a combination of a Slop tart and a Hippopotamus put together" so says the Sitch, then tries to repeat the word and stutters his way through his second attempt...but he still keeps the Poet Laureate throne.

Ronnie comforting a girl, just seems crazy...but then he demands that she go get him supplies and things feel right.

Really kid, you 'cock blocked' someone and then go back to that house to tap one of the roomies? Suspiciously stupid, like you just want to be on camera stupid. Vinnie's girl just hangs on his arm like a limpet. She is like an adornment like a Fur stole. Wow kid actually asks in the middle of the Smush "what's my name?" then finds out that Snooks does not know his name...dumb move because he is clearly not going to stop the smush, and then finds out that his name is unnecessary to the operation.

No way Ron cannot really be thinking of leaving! I demand to see single Ronnie, none of this moping despondent beast.

Ok I am off to hit the gym. I figure 5 miles on the Elliptical, 1 hour lifting will allow me to eat Spicy chicken crispers and chocolate chip cookies.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Stop when you have heard this b4, Sammie and Ronnie got into a fight…Jersey Shore recap.

Oh we start with the ‘previously on Jersey Shore’ which recaps the previous Ron and Sammie dust up…ok actually this could be the start of every JS episode. It feels right that at the same time I am watching JS I am looking up the history of Malt Liquor.

The Sitch is on his snitch game and it is not even 2 minutes into the episode. He might have set a new record for speed-snitching. [A quick aside: Sitch is supposedly leaving after the next season to try and get into movies…just let that marinate in your head.] I have said it before and I will say it again, Deena has a surprisingly good body, for some reason her face just does not make you think she would, I hope that is not mean.

So Ron walks past a bar with Pauly waves to Sam and Sam turns to Deena and claims that Ron is walking with a girl: I think this is a case of if you want to see something, you will see it. I love that Ron is brewing and stewing for a fight with the Sitch and Sam just keeps pushing buttons. Watching this makes it so much funnier that when Ron picked her up at the start of the season Sam’s mom told him to take care of her.

I always love the Situation’s recaps of events: his version and the actual events are never ever in synch. Sometimes they are so far off I almost wonder if the editors cut parts out of his brain, not just the tape. Whoa, smooth move by the Sitch, dropping in the fake apology. Hell even Pauly D. spots it calling it a Voodoo trick. Where the hell was Snooks and Jwoww while that whole fight was going on? Sometimes it seems like people just get cut out of the script, oops I mean house.

I just blanked out over the last Sam and Ron fight, I figure there will be another this episode so I barely paid attention. “I used to drink the beer promoted by Billy Dee By the bodega in chancletas and a white tee”

So I was right and another fight starts, Vin asks Pauly if he should go up and separate and he is discouraged. Hahah Pauly D, complains that he cannot clean his shoes while they are fighting. Did Sitch just say “I have to go up there and get my backwards hat”? Please tell me he is not talking about a cap that you just turn backwards. Whoa Ron…if they chick is on the bed, you really might not want to start turning it over…not a good look. I am not going as far as abusive, but it is close man, it is damn close. And your threat to take girls home and “Fu@k the Sh!t out of them” really, really comes off rapey. (NT did not actually say that to me, but I am pretty damn certain she is thinking it). Though I am sure O, agrees with his sentiment, if not his attitude.

Hahah the fight continues through a commercial break, and I think about how quickly producers jump into fights on other TV shows even other MTV shows, but here; yeah, let’s have a dude toss a bed around with a girl on it. Oh crap, Sitch was looking for a baseball cap, I wonder if he knows that the hat actually works in 2 directions? I also cannot stop laughing that he is wearing an ESPN ‘Sportsnation’ cap.

Watching Snooks and Deena move Sammie’s bed harkens back to the days of watching Sitch and Pauly D working on their Engineering degrees in Miami when they tried to dismantle Angelina’s bed. Apparently moving a bed downstairs “is an analogy to Vin trying to fit his penis in my pinhole” – Snooks, again going after the Poet Laureate crown.

Damn it, I need to examine myself because Sammie is actually looking hot to me right now and for once she is not dancing in a fashion that looks like she is having a seizure. Ronnie says “I want to f-ing ring your neck right now” note, he says this is a bloody confessional, which means he had time to think about the words he chose to use. And we are back to Ron redecorating his room aka throwing all of Sammie’s stuff out the door and smashing things, yeah no rage there at all. As Sammie returns to the house she utters these words “I am scared to [sic] what I am walking into” not a good sign when a girl utters those words. I have been mean to girls in my past, we all have bad moments, but I am certain very certain that no girl has ever uttered those words when coming home to my house or any house that I am in.

Ron’s rationale goes beyond hypocrisy; it is an amazing ability to just block out your own wrongs and find fault with someone doing the exact same thing you did/do. He made out with a bunch of girls got numbers, his ex dances with a guy and they are equivalents: “I rather you do it while I am not there” that is his rational for destroying her stuff.

Look I am shy, I mean shy to the point that very few of my friends have ever seen me kiss a girl, and these kids blatantly tell the world that they are about to have sex, and even come out modeling lingerie. I am pretty damn sure I would not be able to make out on this show much less loudly proclaim that I want/need the smoosh room. I am going to hate myself, but I am definitely watching the after-show.

Looks like Sammie is leaving the house – is it for good? Hey NT, I win the bet! It is like price is right, closest to the number without going over. You know what? When Sam tells the kids that she is leaving, they seem sympathetic, but no one really seems to fight hard to get her to stay. Whoa Ron just called her by her full name Samantha. I just realized that I am so ingrained into calling her Sam or Sammie that I did not even think that her real name was Samantha, I mean I knew it had to be, but I still did not really register it…maybe this show really does kill brain cells! Until I actually saw that cab door close I was still concerned that she might come back into the house. Bit suspicious that the cab that Sammie in just happens to have cameras in it!

Ok time for the after-show: no clue if I will blog it. Let’s just see how it goes

Whew Julissa is such a horrible interviewer but cot damn she is sexy. Damn, unseen footage, this is worth it: I cannot believe that big girl labeled herself ‘a bomb’ and tried to get with the Sitch, feels like a blatant star-bleeper. Grenade, to grenade launcher, to the Tank…these are apparently the levels of girls to avoid. I am a big fan of the face made by the Sitch when the grenade whistle went off.

Wow I have no attention span, while watching the Aftershow I broke off to listen to the old School, Rah Digga, ‘Party and Bullsh!t’: “I beat that bitch with a bat” I think the Ronnie Sammie fight triggered it.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Fastest man least in the gym tonight

So I did what I found funny but I suspect is a bit of a douchey thing in the gym today. There is a boot camp class that about 3/4 of the way through always goes into wind sprints. So knowing that just about 5 minutes before I knew they would get to wind sprints I slipped into the class. Now remember the rest of the class is at this point struggling for their 3rd and 4th wind, much less a 2nd wind.

So once the wind sprints started I was Usain Bolt, I am already sneaky fast as I have told u many a time. But combine my Ninja quick with already fatigued persons and I was lapping peeps!

I was so far ahead of everyone for the return half of the sprint it looked like I was running by myself. When we switched to relays my team of 6 was finished before some teams got to their 4th runner.

In one of the relays I was so cocky I ran an extra time and we still won. Now I did not do this for ego, but rather just for the fun of it: But best believe that when a girl complimented me. - I preened like I had just won the gold

So u would think that after invading the class just to 'show off' in sprints I would stick around for the rest of class. You would be wrong. Sprints ended and so did my class participation, I left my valiant competitors and headed back to getting my 'swoll on'

Friday, February 04, 2011

Jersey Shore or “you need a golden ticket to get into these drawers”

Is the Sitch really hitting on the girl with the line “I’ve got Situation pajamas for real”. Any girl that has watched the show has to know what that means.

I worry when I like Ronnie’s actions towards Sammie…cause I do not want to feel like a misogynist. But then Nicole loves it, so I do not feel too horrible. However, no matter how bad I feel about Ron’s treatment of Sammie…the fact that Sitch is trying to smush in a room that contains a couple puking almost requires a special award. I cannot think of one because I am so disgusted, but it needs an award.

Snooks fell asleep in the dog enclosure. Hahah why does that feel so right?

“Why is Ronnie bleeding out of his ass?” Hahah Sammie seems way too happy to say that. Watching the doctor explore Ronnie’s anus on TV is disturbing…come on MTV we could have had this closed door. So Ronnie’s bleeding may be caused from too much drinking? Cot damn dude, you drink way too much when that is an issue. I have friends who are raging alcoholics and this is not even close to happening to them…or maybe it is and they keep it A BLOODY SECRET.

So the topic in the car is female masturbation: This sadly is what I think will be the deepest conversation of the show and we are only 10 minutes in…maybe I should stop watching this show. But Nicole and Ofelia would kill me. Snooks rides a tricycle and breaks it, no, really, no one saw that coming.

“I told him I am taking his sperm” Snooks keeps her position as the #1 contender for the Situation’s poet laureate crown. Watching these kids out at clubs I remember my college days…and I really hope I was not like this group. Though, sometimes I do have flash backs to Spring Break in South Padre – not saying it was anything like this and since I never lie, I will just stop talking about my memories. I love that Deena blatantly tells everyone that they need to go home immediately because she has plans ‘to cuddle’. But then in a surprise move tells us that “it is not Halloween I am not hiding out candy for free, you need a golden ticket to get into these drawers” watch out Snooks you may lose that contender status – then Deena immediately gives it up. Somewhere Chapelle as Rick James is laughing “Yeah I stepped on your couch”. Back to contender status, Snooks in the middle of sexual escapades announces “ugh…my period” now you might wonder how could that put her back to #1 but really, it is short sweet and effective it lets you immediately know what is happening.

Snooks explains to us why she never enters the ocean and why it is salty (she also shows us that she is a brilliant scientist as well as the #1 C.) “It is all whale sperm”. Is it bad of me that I would think that, that would be an incentive for her to enter the ocean?

Oh no, did that idiot really think that Pauly D was an answering service? Answer: Yes. The usual ‘Skins’ ad aside: Why is it that none of their ads grab my attention or even make me want to consider their show? But the Ronnie Xenedrine ads? Whew that level of bad acting cannot be skipped through, I have to stop and watch him try to read his lines every time.

I noticed 2 things while the girls were at the sex store: Deena clearly got jealous at how Jwoww looked and secondly Sammie looked like she went because she felt it was an obligation.

“What don’t I do for Sam, beside wipe her ass and cook for her?” Ron sneaking into the contender ring – Watch your backs Snooks and Deena.
The T-shirt job gig is so blatantly fake: they make about 30G an episode they clearly do not need or care about this job. Their boss noted that they came in 2 hours late and they are not even wearing their ‘work t-shirts’ and they do not even try to apologize instead they attack him. The t-shirt shop just needs them for free publicity because otherwise they are the worst workers on earth.
Another show that just cannot grab me is ‘My life as Liz’ it looks horrendous. Nothing in its ads makes me feel like it is for me.

“Face down ass up that is the way I like to have a good time” Deena is really rolling for the crown. Oh and yes Tracy “Face down ass up” is a song! Deena asks Pauly D a valid question “Are you really bringing the stalker home?” Pauly complained for much of the first season that a girl was a stalker, then she throws a drink in his face this season…and he brings her home. Damn this chick is sitting through a million stalker jokes and she has the crazy eyes. She is NOT meeting the proper ratio of hot to crazy. Hot Crazy scale HIMYM watch and laugh

Ronnie and Sammie are fighting surprise, surprise. They are breaking up AGAIN. Sammie wants him to look her in the face to break up…then when he does she wants to talk some more. Methinks the lady did not think she would get called out. ‘Drive Angry’ – they have clearly run out of movie titles and Nick Cage will take anything offered, I doubt he even reads a script anymore he just hears he has a role and he signs the contract.

Oh wow, before seeing the show I told Nicole that I think Sammie was only on the show because Ronnie was there. And then Ronnie basically calls her out with my exact words. I am slightly afraid when Ronnie says things like “her not being with me, I can make her time here miserable”. That is the kind of thing you hear from dudes that well…let’s just leave that alone.

And I was right, female masturbation was the deepest convo of the episode.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.