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Monday, February 14, 2011

Stop when you have heard this b4, Sammie and Ronnie got into a fight…Jersey Shore recap.

Oh we start with the ‘previously on Jersey Shore’ which recaps the previous Ron and Sammie dust up…ok actually this could be the start of every JS episode. It feels right that at the same time I am watching JS I am looking up the history of Malt Liquor.

The Sitch is on his snitch game and it is not even 2 minutes into the episode. He might have set a new record for speed-snitching. [A quick aside: Sitch is supposedly leaving after the next season to try and get into movies…just let that marinate in your head.] I have said it before and I will say it again, Deena has a surprisingly good body, for some reason her face just does not make you think she would, I hope that is not mean.

So Ron walks past a bar with Pauly waves to Sam and Sam turns to Deena and claims that Ron is walking with a girl: I think this is a case of if you want to see something, you will see it. I love that Ron is brewing and stewing for a fight with the Sitch and Sam just keeps pushing buttons. Watching this makes it so much funnier that when Ron picked her up at the start of the season Sam’s mom told him to take care of her.

I always love the Situation’s recaps of events: his version and the actual events are never ever in synch. Sometimes they are so far off I almost wonder if the editors cut parts out of his brain, not just the tape. Whoa, smooth move by the Sitch, dropping in the fake apology. Hell even Pauly D. spots it calling it a Voodoo trick. Where the hell was Snooks and Jwoww while that whole fight was going on? Sometimes it seems like people just get cut out of the script, oops I mean house.

I just blanked out over the last Sam and Ron fight, I figure there will be another this episode so I barely paid attention. “I used to drink the beer promoted by Billy Dee By the bodega in chancletas and a white tee”

So I was right and another fight starts, Vin asks Pauly if he should go up and separate and he is discouraged. Hahah Pauly D, complains that he cannot clean his shoes while they are fighting. Did Sitch just say “I have to go up there and get my backwards hat”? Please tell me he is not talking about a cap that you just turn backwards. Whoa Ron…if they chick is on the bed, you really might not want to start turning it over…not a good look. I am not going as far as abusive, but it is close man, it is damn close. And your threat to take girls home and “Fu@k the Sh!t out of them” really, really comes off rapey. (NT did not actually say that to me, but I am pretty damn certain she is thinking it). Though I am sure O, agrees with his sentiment, if not his attitude.

Hahah the fight continues through a commercial break, and I think about how quickly producers jump into fights on other TV shows even other MTV shows, but here; yeah, let’s have a dude toss a bed around with a girl on it. Oh crap, Sitch was looking for a baseball cap, I wonder if he knows that the hat actually works in 2 directions? I also cannot stop laughing that he is wearing an ESPN ‘Sportsnation’ cap.

Watching Snooks and Deena move Sammie’s bed harkens back to the days of watching Sitch and Pauly D working on their Engineering degrees in Miami when they tried to dismantle Angelina’s bed. Apparently moving a bed downstairs “is an analogy to Vin trying to fit his penis in my pinhole” – Snooks, again going after the Poet Laureate crown.

Damn it, I need to examine myself because Sammie is actually looking hot to me right now and for once she is not dancing in a fashion that looks like she is having a seizure. Ronnie says “I want to f-ing ring your neck right now” note, he says this is a bloody confessional, which means he had time to think about the words he chose to use. And we are back to Ron redecorating his room aka throwing all of Sammie’s stuff out the door and smashing things, yeah no rage there at all. As Sammie returns to the house she utters these words “I am scared to [sic] what I am walking into” not a good sign when a girl utters those words. I have been mean to girls in my past, we all have bad moments, but I am certain very certain that no girl has ever uttered those words when coming home to my house or any house that I am in.

Ron’s rationale goes beyond hypocrisy; it is an amazing ability to just block out your own wrongs and find fault with someone doing the exact same thing you did/do. He made out with a bunch of girls got numbers, his ex dances with a guy and they are equivalents: “I rather you do it while I am not there” that is his rational for destroying her stuff.

Look I am shy, I mean shy to the point that very few of my friends have ever seen me kiss a girl, and these kids blatantly tell the world that they are about to have sex, and even come out modeling lingerie. I am pretty damn sure I would not be able to make out on this show much less loudly proclaim that I want/need the smoosh room. I am going to hate myself, but I am definitely watching the after-show.

Looks like Sammie is leaving the house – is it for good? Hey NT, I win the bet! It is like price is right, closest to the number without going over. You know what? When Sam tells the kids that she is leaving, they seem sympathetic, but no one really seems to fight hard to get her to stay. Whoa Ron just called her by her full name Samantha. I just realized that I am so ingrained into calling her Sam or Sammie that I did not even think that her real name was Samantha, I mean I knew it had to be, but I still did not really register it…maybe this show really does kill brain cells! Until I actually saw that cab door close I was still concerned that she might come back into the house. Bit suspicious that the cab that Sammie in just happens to have cameras in it!

Ok time for the after-show: no clue if I will blog it. Let’s just see how it goes

Whew Julissa is such a horrible interviewer but cot damn she is sexy. Damn, unseen footage, this is worth it: I cannot believe that big girl labeled herself ‘a bomb’ and tried to get with the Sitch, feels like a blatant star-bleeper. Grenade, to grenade launcher, to the Tank…these are apparently the levels of girls to avoid. I am a big fan of the face made by the Sitch when the grenade whistle went off.

Wow I have no attention span, while watching the Aftershow I broke off to listen to the old School, Rah Digga, ‘Party and Bullsh!t’: “I beat that bitch with a bat” I think the Ronnie Sammie fight triggered it.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.