Infrequently updated consistently funny

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I envy my friends 'S' and 'Y' so much right now.

They are both passed out on the couch together (even though I offered an air mattress) meanwhile I am in my expensive-luxury pillow top bed and I cannot fall asleep. We were all out dancing and they practically fell asleep as soon as they sat down…wish that could be me. I have slept 5 hours out of the last 72 so really I should be bloody exhausted. But of course I am not. Broke up a chick fight tonight, that was fun, the even funnier part was my kicking the girl that started it out of the club as if I were a bouncer, and her following it!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Real Time Food Experiment: World series burgers...and chasing a dog down the street

So I have been craving burgers and there are no burgers as good as home-made burgers so while the game is on I will live blog my experiment. For these burgers I am going to use ground beef AND ground pork

I am carmelizing onions - one medium white onion chopped into rings, cooked in 1tbs oil 1tsp bacon grease on medium, sprinkled over a tsp of sugar turned it down low and let it carmelize over 30 minutes. Shook the onions out put a tsp oil in pan.

To same pan that had onions and now oil I added 2 cloves finely chopped garlic and a chopped stalk of scallion (medium heat) to this I added a 1/3lb ground pork and browned very slightly with an added tsp of dehydrated onion. In a 1/2 cup measure I added 2 tbs balsamic vinegar, 1tbs soy sauce then filled to the top with water, added that to the pan and cooked for 5 minutes. Set aside to cool completely!

About 4 innings into the game: Rangers still up 1-0 (I really hate the Cardinals hope Texas wins this) I add the cooled ground pork mix to a bowl of 3/4lbs ground beef, a 1/4tsp of garlic powder, 1/2 tsp of chili powder, 1/4tsp black pepper, 1tsp Worcestershire sauce (I suspect I spelled that wrong) and a pinch of salt (seriously peeps just a pinch soy sauce already has salt). Formed 4 patties (they are moist, which makes sense since high water content in pork mix) now debating broiling or pan frying...Bottom of 4th inning and Joe Buck just called Zoey Deschanel a subtle actress (not sure what he means because I am yet to see a subtle performance from her). 

While I wait for my decision, I am making the 'special' sauce aka mayo, spicy brown mustard, ketchup, ranch in a 1;1;2;1 ration. This will be spread on both buns then topped with the carmelized onions with the burger in the I hope this tastes good, especially since I just wrote a blog about it without tasting it.

I was tempted to make my own hamburger buns and if my company shows up maybe I will, it just sounds impressive I suspect it is easy.

And then this happened. It was the 5th inning and I figured I would go for a quick 1 mile run knowing that I would be back in time to see the next inning and I wanted to help my roomie out by taking the dog out for a quick run since he had been trapped indoors all day. Well that turned into a fiasco; 2 blocks from home the dog slipped his harness and TOOK OFF. My Run Keeper app told me that the dog and I spent 1 hour 20 minutes and 5 miles chasing each other up and down the streets of downtown. I say chasing each other, since to keep the dog from running into traffic I often had to make him think it was a game and chase me...the dog is NOT street wise! At one point he sat in the middle of the road while the light was red and cars were massing, then when the light changed to green he remained there as I ran up the block to get to him. Then since I did not want to spook him into potential cross traffic I had to slowly approach while yelling at the cars that were blowing there horns at him and me!

Good times!

But the bonus is, baseball is so slow that when I got back it was just the EIGHT have to love it. And the rangers won.

By the time I was back I was too hungry and tired to wait for the oven to pre-heat so I just pan fried the burgers and...THEY WERE DELICIOUS, TOP FIVE EVER. But of course I have to wonder if part of that was due to my extreme hunger by that point.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I guess my friends can tick me off to point that I almost get a ticket

Last night I almost got a ticket for driving the wrong way on a One-way street. I talked my way out of the ticket. Robin claims that I was only able to do that because the cop was a lady, Yau added the colour of her skin. I claim it was my charm (maybe a bit to do with the voice).

So here is the thing. I turned the wrong way for a variety of reasons; the sign detailing that it was a one way street had been damaged and turned at a bad angle, if I had been as diligent as I normally am I would have spotted it but I was not at my best so I missed it.
I was distracted because one friend had yelled at me for not following her directions, then yelled again when I chose not to park where she wanted me to park.
Then on top of that I had to listen to the 2 kids in the back that had already annoyed me with their inability to keep it down when I was on the phone then when Robin was on the phone break into childhood songs loudly and OFFKEY. Trust me there is nothing worse than 2 people singing badly and at the top of their lungs when you are already peeved.

So I hit my breaking and braking point in that I was so frustrated that I slammed on the brakes flipped on the indicator and turned where I should not have turned! Right into the path of a cop. I am still surprised I talked my way out of the ticket and I am glad I asked her if she was giving me a ticket when she said "ok sit tight I am going to my car" if I had just assumed that she was just going to check my id she would have come back with a ticket and by that point it would have been too late.

Even though you know you have no warrants out...waiting for those agonizing few minutes while a cop runs your id to make sure is agonizing. What adds to the anxiety is hearing your friend loudly tell the bouncer at the door across from you car "I am here with the criminal" (which by the way is a bloody funny line...but scary while the cop is checking to see if you need to be locked up).

So yeah, I blew my lid and still somehow survived...luckily. What is funny is that I can see how movies influence our thought processes: At one point in the drive I imagined driving off a cliff jumping out at the last minute and still hoping I would have the dexterity and speed to turn around and hit the door lock button to trap my passengers so that they would hit the water...I did not want them dead, just a bit panicked and soaked.

Thank goodness frustration does not lead me to drinking because that would have been one sloppy Taco Tuesday!

This song fits:

Thursday, August 25, 2011

My bicycle is faster than your bike!

As I often say you have to make the little things make you smile.
So riding back from the gym I was very, very sore; not the regular sore like "yeah I feel good I am sore cause I worked out like a monster". Nope I was sore like injured sore. A little background: On Monday while watching TV and staring at my roomies ab-roller it occurred to me that since I was just sitting there and it was just sitting there I might as well just use it. So throughout the movie I did 1000 situps and 50 bicycle kicks. No exaggeration at all in that number that is what I did. My original target was 100 situps and 50 bicycle kicks but the ab-roller made it so damn easy I just kept going and once I hit the 600 mark I decided I had to get to a 1000.

Well once I hit the 1k mark I pretty much lay there bit sore bit tired not too bad. Then I went to the gym yesterday (Wednesday) just 2 days later. Did a great back work out, figured hey "remember on monday when you said you would do 25 situps a night, well you skipped yesterday so use the ab roller here and do a 100". Well I think my brain was trying to protect me on Tuesday by making me skip that night! Once I got on the ab roller I felt sore. But of course I am a guy so hey "sore is good right?" I did a set of 20, felt harder than I expected. Put the legs up higher did a set of 30, sore, not too bad...did a set of 25 and started gasping...take a longer rest, no need to sit up straight. Did the 'final' set of 25 and got to 19 and then nearly started crying in the gym. My abs locked up and felt like someone had stabbed me in the lower abdominal. I grabbed the railing forced myself to a sitting position trying to 'look cool' cause really I could not have anyone at the gym thinking I had just hurt myself on an AB-MACHINE (I mean to be fair if I saw someone suddenly look like they were in pain I would chuckle too).

So I sat on the machine taking deep breaths trying to calm my body cause I really really wanted to cry out in pain and to look like I wasn't just sitting there (and really I was because I could NOT get up) I just kept bobbing my head as if listening to music while really on my ipod was the Tony Kornheiser show which is TALK radio. But damn it if I was not going to pose like I was a G! I started to have horror thoughts of having to take my phone and call down to the front desk and beg them to have a trainer come and lift me off the damn machine. Thankfully after a minute the abs calmed down enough for me to get up slowly and walk down to the locker room. And then the thought of horror hit me...I still had to ride home and if you are a rider you know YOUR ABS ARE ENGAGED WHILE RIDING.

So I unlock the bike (while wearing my new sparkly shorts) and I want to say hop on but really I leaned the bike so low to the ground that the seat was by my knees, then rolled on to it by using the curb to boost myself on. Then I start riding home! If anyone had tracked me they would have cracked up. I kept alternatively saying "Ow, Ow, Ow" and "Damn it I should just push this" sometimes hit with "Bloody THREE MILES!" So anytime I came to a stoplight if no car was in my lane I would just keep doing small turns in the lane rather than trying to lean over and put a foot down cause I was that sore. If a car was there I would actually ride up to the sign and lean on it with my shoulder just so I would not have to put my foot down.

While at one of the lights this guy with a motorcycle pulls up into my lane and revs his bike! So I look at him and he revs it again. So I did the only sensible think I clicked both brake handles 'click click' since that is pretty much the only sound you can make on a bicycle looked straight at him and yelled "You wanna race?". He looked at me like I was crazy revs again and I yelled "Guess that is a yes!" He revs, the light goes green and he PEELS OUT! I slowly push down on the pedals and start laughing...then immediately regret it because: Yup you guessed it LAUGHING USES YOUR ABS

Sunday, August 14, 2011

"Why yes that sliver of glass came out of my heel, why do you ask?"

That was the only cheeky response I could give the roomie when he picked up a sliver of glass with blood on it, 3 rooms away from where the glass from a bottle had decided to invade my body through the bottom of my heel.

Background: We had a dinner party, there was a tonne of stuff in the refrigerator because as invariably happens things keep getting shoved in to the cooler. So late in the night I opened the refrigerator only to see a bottle start to spiral to the floor in what felt like slow motion. I grabbed for it but had the closing refrigerator door hit my hand so the bottle fell to the floor and as bottles filled with liquid tend to do, it shattered everywhere; with me stuck in the middle of the kitchen BARE FOOT. I tried to pick up everything immediately visible around me before even taking a step.

Grabbed a towel and mopped up all the liquid pushing it away from me hoping that while I was drying I was moving any shards away. Felt like I had gotten it all. Took a gingerly steps to the sink to drop the towel in there and hope that I was safe. Still no pain. But one knows you can never be too sure so now that the floor was dry of all the liquid I started to walk to the closet door to get the broom and wouldn't you know it there were bloody footprints! Yup not only had I gotten cut I had gotten cut badly enough that I was bleeding profusely enough to leave bloody prints.

So I had to limp to the bathroom to get cleaned up, then decided to go upstairs to get bandages. Apparently after my initial clean up I was still shedding glass shards (hence the roomie finding a piece). So while the party was going on I was further inspecting my heel and then bandaging it...then back to the party because after all we all have to rally.

Problem is, the next morning I woke up to a stinging heel. Went to the doctor's office and was told that the wait would be 2 hours so I went home and decided to play operation. Just like my old days when my parents would allow me to take care of the sick puppies (and I knew I was good because I am pretty sure my parents cared more about the dogs than me). So I grabbed forceps, a syringe, a scalpel (alright I might as well confess - I took a few debriding kits from the hospital from my days when I worked there) and went to work on my heel. Turns out that I had a very thin but very long piece of glass buried deep in my heel, which meant I had to slightly cut the heel and go in to get it.

What sucks about getting cut in the heel is that pretty much every footstep leads to bleeding. So I have been changing bandages every few hours, but at least the wound is clean, there is no sign of infection and I did not have to sit in a doctors office for 2 hours to have them over charge me to do the same thing I was able to do for myself. I guess the only major difference is that I cannot write myself a prescription for any 'great' drugs but I would not have taken them anyways so I saved myself some time and money and got the realize that I still got it!

And what of my working out you might ask yourself...yes I am still working out with the cut heel, just no running (aka elliptical because hahaha come on really) just riding the bike to the gym and weight lifting!

Saturday, August 06, 2011

"I think that cop is following us...nope he is going past: us"

On the way home about a dozen cop cars screamed past us chasing a guy that I do not think was going to make it to the finish line because the cops were either going to shut down the highway or surround the car they were closing in so rapidly.

I have not blogged in awhile, long time readers will realize that I do not blog well when angry. So since I have been really angry for the past week I have not blogged much.

I am still iffy about going out in Downtown LA. Many of the so called cool spots are cool because of their locale (top floors on high rises) or because of their trappings/settings (like the Edison). Many of the spots with great music are absolutely thuggish and while by myself I am not worried about  going into such places, going with my female friends seems a bit risky.

Is there any more simple yet impressive task that feels so satisfying as swatting an annoying fly mid-flight?

Monday, August 01, 2011

You need rest for your muscles to grow...vol 2.434353

So I hear that title all the time, from body builders to casual guys at the gym to my own doctor. Well here is what I have done since benching on Friday evening: slept 4 hours Friday night, worked out Saturday morning, went to the V-ball tourney, slept 3 hours, did cardio, went to the Reggae Show (Marleys) now I am going to be up in 4 hours to head to court...let's hope that is enough time for the muscle growth...

At least tonight is just legs at the gym

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sooooo uhmm thanks for giving me attitude when I called you while I was stumbling around Hermosa Beach

It has been a long day. Another awesome 6 man tourney another year where I have seen zero games. But I called my ex while I was on my cane and lugging luggage through the streets of HB and received statitude. I would have felt bad for the fact that I woke her up except she was immediately hostile to me...I do not get it. I guess I am still the idiot for thinking we can be peaceful

WATCHING YOUR older friends flirt on facebook is like seeing your parents kiss, yes there is nothing inherently wrong with it, but it just does NOT LOOK know who you are!

Hey chica, fight it all u want...everyone succombs

Monday, July 25, 2011

I slapped people with a cutlass...never beheaded a man - did not think that would be a 'thing'

Ok this is a short one, cause my heart hurts for my people.
A gang back home has started doing BEHEADINGS, yes that had to be capitalized the dog-heart bastards have made this a thing! The level of depravity to do something like that shocks me. It shocks me when it is done as part of religious fanaticism but it shocks me more when it is done to send a bloody message (at least with the religion I sigh and chalk it up to people can be convinced to do anything in the name of God/Allah/Buddha/Love)

Jamaica has had 4 beheadings in 5 days...let that sink in...still with me? Not 1 in the last 5 days, not 2 spread out over 5 days no 4 in 5. Look I hate writing bad things about back home, we thrive on tourism so to be fair I often gloss over any violence especially since violence touches the tourist areas so infrequently as to make a statement like "Tourists are NEVER touched in Jamaica" be as close to a true statement as water is wet. So while this does not affect the tourists, it affects MY people and it hurts me. Fourth death article

For now we should be grateful that American news media has not latched on to this (small comfort) but if we do not eradicate them dog heart fassy dem we will soon be looking at Fox news slamming us for our lawless state.

When I was a kid, we had tonnes of fruit trees in our property, in fanciful American real estate puffery it would have been listed as an orchard to drive up property value, for us it was known as the "Mango, cashew, banana, avocado, guava, guinep trees weh mi haffi rake up di leaf dem". But because of this bounty, thieves would often step into our yard despite the presence of viscous guard dogs and a fearsome 5 ft 2 inch skinny black kid weighing about 85lbs and holding a cutlass. I wish I had a picture of the time when I stood under the mango tree surrounded by 7 German Shepherds holding a rusty cutlass yelling up into the center at a thief who was begging me to 'tek the dog dem weh man so mi cyan climb down the damn tree and leff'' while I with my voice cracking yelled back 'fling down di bag a mango and mi will let u leff' (as a kid I always thought patois made me sound more intimidating...really should have realized the 7 dogs [less the cutlass] did that for me).

The dogs were wonderfully trained and would actually listen to me (I cooked them their food after all [outside with them waiting], they knew not to bite the hand that fed them...literally). I told them to sit and they would sit. So the guy in the tree saw me tell them to sit starts to climb down and I did the only practical vigilante justice thing someone holding a cutlass and in the presence of someone who wanted to rob them would do...I SWUNG. But because I am not some insane thug or someone who wants to ever actually maim another I hit him flush with the flat side of the cutlass across the buttocks and lower back. Which of course caused him to lose his grip on the tree, yelp and fall to the ground. Problem for him was that reanimated the dogs so back up the tree he scampered. Short form of the story, he stayed up there an hour while I stayed under the tree till my mom came home and she finally made me lock up the dogs while the dutty boy ran fi him life.

I tell you that story because it is funny and illustrative; just because I had an instrument of death did not mean I had to use it as such, I merely taught the man a lesson, I never saw it as something to remove a body part. No matter how mad at thieves I was, I never swung my cutlass to cut, but these guys are wilfully going into situations to remove body parts...Lawd I pray fi mi country tek care a all a wi!


Thursday, June 30, 2011

Who drinks another man's drink and then confronts him about it? and Happy Birthday Viv

Last night out for Vivian's birthday we went to a college-esque bar. Believe me NOT my choice. In fact when told that we were heading there I voiced my dissent and included the words "really" and "are you sure?". The night progressed, I found the music loud and grating (alas I am old) and the crowd oppressive young kids more comfortable with bumping into you and spilling drinks than with walking around you.

But regardless of all that I was fine (once there) till late into the night, these people sat at our table...rude, but hey it was a crowded bar so we let it slide. Then I noticed they started sipping our drinks. Yes, you read that right, the guy and the girl now sitting at our table started sipping our drinks (well it really is just a drink since they serve it in a Bucket and you have to prove to the bar tender you have 5 persons in the group minimum - or you can look as old and demanding as I do and have him give it to you on your assurances) from our spare straws (I hope they were the spares, because really the alternative is even more gross). So I stopped them with a "hey man, do me a favour, leave our drinks alone" but I let them continue sitting there.

The girl got up, and started dancing with some of her other friends that had come over by our table, guess we had now created a meeting point! I saw the guy eyeing our bucket again (yup bucket) and gave him the warning eye. I went back to dancing (standing around while rocking shoulders) and then noticed the crowd around our table had grown and there were a few dipped heads. I walked up and there were 3 people drinking from our bucket (which really now was their bucket because no way was I going to drink from that again), so of course I lost it. Snatched the straws and told them scram ("Hey you darn kids get off my lawn") 2 scurried off but one guy squared his shoulders as if ready to fight! At this point my blood is boiling more from the outrage that this kid is going to stand up to me after stealing our drink rather than the actual fact that he was stealing our drink.

Here is the exchange:
"Really kid, you are going to drink it while we are standing right here"
"Well you guys were standing off to the side and it only takes 4 minutes to finish these, you should have finished it"
(at this point I am almost apoplectic that the fault is apparently ours for not chugging a 84oz Tequila containing drink and yes I said 84oz as in 10.5 8oz glasses of alcohol laced beverage) [And I am announced that his friend had decided to pocket our little plastic shark (which probably hints at our location but so be it) which meant he had reached his hands into the drink]
"Listen man, we could have walked away for 2 hours, you do not touch our damn drink and you do not tell me when to finish it"
-Of course by this point, my voice which is never quiet is at a shouting level, and the guy is back off. I drive the point home..."walk away, and walk away NOW"
He does so, which to me is the right thing to do, then I look down to see that his friend, the one who had invited the others is actually still sitting there. I admit I was more shocked than angry at this point, this little speck had sat through the confrontation, which he had triggered and instead of defending his friend, or slinking away had sat and watched.

So I slapped my hand flat on the table to get his attention (I confess by this point I thought he might be high) and told him "Get up, get moving, I don't want to see you again, move away NOW"...and he got up but left me with this gem "Dude [ugh, even though I now use it also I hate hearing it in a drawl] this is a USC bar man, it is a USC bar man..." (poor kid had no idea that those words are actually more likely to cause me to see red than soothe me). I yelled (to Yau's amusement and mine once I calmed down) "I don't give a damn if this is a USC bar [which of course triggered some stares] it could be your momma's bar, walk away, stay away and don't even look at me".

The best part is Emma and I had just been talking about how even keel I am when I warned her that I am "slow to anger quick to wrath" and as if to prove myself not a liar, the incident occurs.

Ok maybe the best part was upon our exit, the kid I had the confrontation with actually came up to me and apologized for which I shook his anger, because I can always appreciate a manly gesture, even when the precursor was a punk move.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Venus and Serena out in the same day...

And now it is covered like a tragedy. I vividly remember the days when many American tennis fans dismissed the Williams Sisters, but now that the WS tend to be America's last great hope in most tournaments they have been embraced! Again (even though knocked out early for them) they were the last American females in a major Tennis tournament (at Wimbledon right now, only 1 American male remains).

Tennis has fallen so far in America, that women who used to be openly mocked, and racially insulted with subtle jabs are now being looked to as the saviours of Tennis in America...the only problem is they are OLD. Not old in life, but old in Tennis years.

I hope that Serena coming off her injuries and Venus off her slump will rebound from this, because I think tennis is always more fun when these guys are contending.

And is it not time for us to stop pretending that Caroline Wozniacki is a 'true' number 1? Only 1 final made, no wins, but yet she sits atop the rankings for weeks?

Saturday, June 18, 2011

I bloody messed up...the domestic

I saw a friend in a bad situation, offered comfort, hung out for a bit and then allowed myself to be convinced that it was ok to leave them there because I figured a locked door is the cure to many ails.

I did not factor in things like stress/emotions/love and dudes with svengali influences.

Plus having your ego bruised by hearing someone did not/does not love you can leave you incompetent to make sound decisions.

The smart decision would have been to bundle my friend up. Buy her new cosmetics if need be BUT GET HER OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE and let her stay in my spare bedroom.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Have to cut that coke with Coconut Rum...vol 2.34

Not sure if it is sad or amusing or both that because I drink so little regular or even diet soda  when I drink something as sweet as a regular coca cola for its caffeine content I need to add a splash (or 3) of coconut rum to it to make it palatable. Now I know to some that would sound crazy to say that one needs the caffeine boost but then adds rum, but if you are a long time reader you know that alcohol does not put me to sleep. So since I did not sleep at all last night and I have to meet friends I had to take the caffeine boost...and I refuse to waste my money on things like '5 hour energy' (seriously peeps save your cash).

Neil Patrick Harris' best role was NOT Doogie Howser or his role on 'How I met your mother' his best role is in 'Undercover Brother' for instance his character Lance talking to a group of blacks: "I just watched this show... "Roots"? Maybe you've heard of it?" Hard to hate it. Even though I own the movie I will always stop and watch at least 10 minutes of it if its on.

And this movie makes great use of Denise Richards acting ability...stand and look pretty (her fighting moves are eh when they are not using what I suspect is a stunt double)! Plus an underrated performance from Dave Chapelle. There is also a great girl-fight scene.
Plus Eddie Griffin's Afro reminds me of the one I had in college. And his fight scene with Mr. Feather (Chris Kattan) set to MJ's 'Beat it' makes me laugh because it spoofs so many action movies and even has a touch of West Side Story. Though when the fro gets touched "You mess with the fro, you got to go" I am completely with UB on administering the beat down!

Did you know you have to capitalize Afro for proper grammar?

Wonderful soundtrack too!
  1. - "Pick Up The Pieces"
  2. "Say It Loud, I'm Black And I'm Proud"
  3. "Give Up The Funk (Tear The Roof Off The Sucker)"
  4. "Close the Door"
  5. "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised" 
  6. "Ebony And Ivory"
Just to name a few

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I am writing my Best Man speech SEVEN MONTHS in advance

Because I suspect it will take at least six months to sanitize and edit it down for public hearing.

And yup...someone was crazy enough to make me their best man.

I am honoured, humbled and eagerly looking forward to shocking!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

One week ago I accidentally crashed a wedding...Congratulations Karina and Justtini

"Hey what are you doing here?" Those were the words of my friend who invited me to meet him at a party in Pasadena...turns out the party was actually a wedding, and it ended up with me being on the wedding party shuttle and heading to the wedding hotel to kick it with the bridal party.

Some quick things, ladies if you are going to crash a wedding party and end up in one of the hotel rooms drinking and eating you should at least be cute...I refuse to say the same for guys, because well, I clearly crashed too; but mine was an accident. Those 2 girls knew what they were coming up to.

A purity ring is just weird. I completely respect the position it advocates, after all I am the Stone Cold, but it is just weird to see. Especially weird when the person wearing it is over 18. What is funny though is that I still do not see/notice rings of any sort. My friend's wife had to point it out to me...I wonder why she thought I needed to be made aware of that.

Hmm seems like a great time for a song break, some of the lyrics
"I might let you touch me
I might let you hold me
I might even let you kiss me
But you can not take my virginity"

So yeah, I really do not get the point of Purity rings.
  1. Because, if you are wearing one because of your parents, aren't you going to keep wearing it when you are no longer 'pure' for the sake of keeping up appearances? After all if you broke their trust by having sex, then you will hide the truth. 
  2. If you are wearing it because you are part of a 'purity' circle, what happens when you slip? (I know do not make the easy joke of he/she fell on it). Do you keep the ring on to remain a part of the circle?
  3. If you are wearing it solely as a personal choice, do you take it off when you first get some? Because at that moment doesn't everyone around you immediately know that you smooshed? 
To me Virginity is a personal thing (not actually a fan of the word Purity but for the sake of the ring discussion I used it) [and yes I know it is automatically personal since you cannot lose it without (well you know the science behind it)] not something that anyone needs to broadcast or confirm to anyone with or without the use of a ring. Just because I choose to run around with the sometimes used nickname Stone Cold does not mean I would ever think anyone should actually declare their status. I have similar feelings on people being forced in or out of the closet, or having to declare sexuality, but that is for another blog.

So yeah, the wedding blog has dissolved into a discussion of virginity...on the plus side the Bride wore white...on the further plus side: Who doesn't wear white? Didn't Kendra wear white? Didn't Coco wear white? Isn't Kim Kardashian going to wear white? No one really cares anymore so why are purity rings still worn? I cannot remember the last time I saw a Livestrong bracelet, the next one I see will be as shocking as every time I see a Purity ring.  

WHOA WHOA WHOA I want to note here, I am not tying Karina in with the V-club discussion, or with any of those hoochies above. Karina is a splendid girl, salt of the earth type, her wedding just happened to be where I met the Purity ring and the 2 girls that should really never crash another wedding after party ever again.

Karina and Justtini were super cool, very nice of them to welcome me in and not be mad that I suddenly showed up. The other cool moment was realizing that Karina actually reads my blog...much love to her for that. So here goes a shout out.


By the way, every black guy in America, who lives in a predominantly white or Asian area should definitely watch this, because it makes walking into a party when there are only 2 of you so much fun. Yes I am talking to you 'Black' Greg. My homie 'White' Greg knows and loves the scene, so next time I yell at you across a party bus "what the hell are you doing in here, I am supposed to be the only black guy here" you do not look so confused:

Love the dialogue

Ending the week; worked out 6 of 7 days, ate cookies 3 of 7. Only demolished  2 tubs of ice cream this week...not too bad a diet. Oh and burned off 3lbs of the excess poundage I put on in the last month. Just need to get my arms bigger than Yau's now.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Many questions, few answers or Why would the blood bank lady think I would think about making a donation before noon on a saturday?

  • Was that title long enough for you?
  • Who knew Jolly Ranchers had a soda?
    • Is there a faster way to increase the rate of diabetes in this country?
  • Why do I have more soaps and shampoos in my shower than most girls I know?
    • I have the 2 in 1 Zinc Shampoo for dry scalp; I have the 'sweet' smelling herbal Shampoo and conditioner bottles for the days when I want to smell great; I have the 3 in 1 shampoo, conditioner, body wash for the days when I am in a bloody hurry cause I decided an extra 15 minutes of sleep was crucial and I cannot waste time using 3 separate bottles; I have not 1 but TWO strawberry body washes of different brands; I have the 'manly' Dial body wash (with the extra moisturizer); I have the exfoliating body wash...and none of that includes the additional stuff stored under the counter.
  • Why do I still love watching wrestling? 
    • Yes I know it's fake, so are sitcoms...I often find this funnier.
  • Why are there so many 'paranormal' shows out there?
  • Why is 'So you think you can dance' a hit?
  • How is it my boy and I willing watched a chick flick?
    • It has nothing to do with all the above soaps...a man can just be concerned about his cleanliness
  • Why am I the only person in my clique who LOVES ice cream mixed with milk? 
    • And no...not a milk shake, just a splash or 2 of ice cream milk (* editor: apparently my subcon was so strong I put what I love most on what I love most...thanks Grace for the catch) on your scoops of ice cream
  • How does Paris Hilton have a new show?
    • No seriously, how? 
  • What the hell is wrong with A. The athletic apparel companies and B. my calves that cause the companies to release Calf Compression gear with sizes of large and X-large and the size difference being 14.5-16.5 for Large and 16.5-18.5 for X-large? 
    • Why does this tick me off?
      • Because My left calf is exactly 16.6 unflexed and only goes down to 16.5 flexed and my right is exactly 16.5 - I used 2 different measuring tapes
    • So what happens if I buy this, and lose weight while running? 
    • Or, what if I increase my calf muscle size?
  • Both would be good things...but I do not know if I need to get the large size so it fits snuggly or the x-large size so it just fits?
    • Why is the bloody size change line exactly at the size of my bloody calves?
  • Why couldn't it have been just like the Weight lifting gloves...X-large? 
    • Yup ladies, you read that right
      • I wear big gloves
        • No really nothing more being hinted there
          • Just telling you in case you are ever shopping for me
            • Leather is prefferred
  • Why are my friends demanding I watch "Ice loves Coco"?
  • In that Vegas ad where the guy gets locked out of his room in nothing but a robe; where is he getting all the cash and ID's to purchase all the stuff and pick up the girl (I am assuming she is NOT a hooker)?
  • Why am I watching 'Why did I get married, too?'
    • Am I compelled to support black cinema?
  • Why are people disappointed with Lebron James?
    • Maybe if you were not so desperate to think of him as the next Jordan you would just appreciate his current level of greatness?
    • But is it so shocking that a kid that was told he was the greatest since junior high, nicknamed himself the 'King' and never went through the socializing that college brings would shrink in high pressure situations?
  • Why am I up at 3:44am when I am giving blood in 9 hours?
    • Better yet: Am I a lush because I plan to meet up with alcoholic friends half an hour after donating blood?
    • I do get props for scheduling the drinks for after the donation though right?
      • RIGHT?

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Hollywood friends and their exes...vol243

Part of the problem with having 'Hollywood friends' is that when they break up with 'Hollywood girlfriends' you have the obligation of disliking the exes. BUT, the problem is, you sometimes see their exes in shows you are watching. My boys ex just popped up in the episode of this comedy I am watching and she is making out with a lead character: which stupidly feels awkward since I still see her as my friend's girl and also I know she is 'freaky'.

I have noticed something funny, maybe not 'haha' funny but definitely 'hmm that is kind of bitchy funny' about 2 of my female friends: They have both recently commented on the fact that I am a bit chubby in the middle (which as any typical reader of this blog knows I am quick to point out myself), both have done it by patting the chub...but here is the thing both these girls have put on weight in the last few months. And I mean weight enough that I have made sure not to make any references to weight so as not to offend them...yet both tapped my chub. Good thing I am a decent guy because I could have lashed out. I also note that both of the girls are in relationships that they claim are not, what they are they gaining the comfy weight of relationships? Or the side weight of denial? Either way, I find it funny that they are pointing to my flaws when I am pretty sure I could take my weight double it and still be a 1lb or 2 short of theirs.

I probably should feel worse about my weight gain but I have been injured for the last month (I know...shocker) and since I (again as longtime readers know) never diet, weight gain is always guaranteed when I am hurt...give me 3 weeks 6 days and I plan to strip this 8lbs back off

Happy Birthday to the greatest woman in the world


Sunday, June 05, 2011

"I am proud of my years as a Syphilitic Conquistador"

"...that was the team name. They wanted something the locals found frightening"

The title of this post is from 'Better off Ted' Season 1 episode 10 'Trust and Consequence' it is a bloody shame that it was cancelled while the CW continues to air any of its programming or shows like 'So you think you can dance' have huge followings. Damn Plebeian masses.

Gluten free waffles absolutely suck. But when you are starving at 3 am, you can pour enough maple syrup on them to overcome any taste deficiencies.

I love being a member of a gym that has multiple locations in every big California city. I drove into Diego with 1 group, went to the gym just to stash my clothes so that when I drove my other friends home I would actually have clean clothes for the weekend.

Funny that some of the same peeps I used to work out with late night on Fridays recognized me and said hi when I went to pick up my stashed clothes at 2;30am.

Seeing 1 of my exes in San Diego made me realize that though I have never taken illicit drugs maybe I drank too much when I lived there...yes it might be mean, but eh it is true: I was not proud of my past decision making.

It might be due to the lifting, but I felt a lot more 'love' here now than when I lived here. Or maybe I am just older and wiser (or cockier and it shows).
I am amused that my friends know my insomnia is so bad that they can text me at 4am asking for an immediate response...and they get it.

Governor Perry better not run for President: I cannot abide the thought of a bloody Aggie having a shot to run the country.

Another source of amusement; my friend and his fiance immediately shoving back to back shots in my hands as I walked over from the bar where I had just taken whisky shots and my friend yelling "let's test that liver that never gets drunk". Test taken and PASSED!

I love my boy and his fiance, good peoples and they seem good together. I also appreciate my boy saying that he wants me to do his wedding. Following in the footsteps of the father!

I am so wired and cannot sleep that I am blogging from my blackberry as I try to sleep. I have to be one of the few people who alcohol actually leaves wired rather than sleepy.

Thursday, May 26, 2011



I know to my American friends that means little but to a bona fide yardie like me that means a tonne!
 - If you have Netflix watch it, damn it watch it!

My pops and I had an emotional and important conversation and it lasted almost 3 times as long as our usual 5 minutes 36 seconds. 

I think I saw one of my law school nemeses at the gym: Looks just like him same goofy smile same blank stare. Not good to have bottled up enemies or resentment - nearly dropped weights on my chest while benching and thinking that it was him, really had a scary moment there. Can never forget a Florence night club incident with that kid.
- The bonus is, I do not have many/or any enemies really, even that kid was just someone who annoyed me more than I hated them...cannot really think of anyone I truly hate.

The  T-mobile ad with the young kid rapping cracks me up. Partly because the kid is getting a tonne of love and I suspect part of that is due to his  skin colour and the speed of his lyrics but mainly because I love how hard the T-mobile girl is trying to dance and look cool at the same time. I cannot see the ad without laughing!

Maybe I should not take my shaving ideas from cartoons

I am currently rocking a pencil thin mustache with no beard or side-burns I look like a stereotyped french villain. You know it is a crazy look when you look in the mirror and frown at yourself. But since I committed to it, I am going to court in the morning looking like this. I just cannot get used to it. I shaved before dinner (not sure why the formality) and everytime I catch myself in the mirror I do a double take. While flossing, I caught myself, staring at myself. While brushing and doing my usual reading while brushing I kept glancing up from the novel to stare at my upper lip, while gargling I actually angled my head down to stare (which by the way makes it bloody hard to gargle).

It has only been a couple hours and I bloody miss my sideburns. I was initially tempted to go with my undergrad look of mustache and goatee but then decided mustache solo...just cannot get used to it.

Had to take a massive pain killer so I took one with a sleep aid; which means crazy dreams tonight - also means I will wake up with a horribly dry mouth, I bloody hate that feeling. I keep 2 bottles of water beside the bed 2 large bottles, each is 24oz and yet some mornings I will wake up and those suckers are drained. On bad nights I even have to go to the kitchen and get seconds, you can just imagine what my immediate concern is when I wake up in the mornings!

My knee is so bad right now, that I cannot shift side to side and I can barely take anything beyond a shuffle step. I realized it was bad when sitting in the car hurt. And even with the busted knee I think I could still beat all of the peeps I have played in tennis the last year yup, all of you! I really want to play a tennis game to see if working out has actually helped my ground game, oh well till peeps stop ducking me I will not get a good game!

I saw an ad tonight that I will write about some day but it is for an anti-depressant and the scary part is the ad actually has the makers admitting that they do not know exactly how it works to stop depression.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

My blood pressure today is 115/57 and other randoms plus a shout out to an ex

So one of my exes a perfectly lovely, smart, enterprising, talented girl (just slightly below me in Chemistry labs...even if she claims I used help) has a great plan for this year. She is posting a picture a day for the whole year, whether great inspiration strikes her or not...As any regular reader of the blog knows, I barely post on a semi weekly schedule. So it occurred to me last week that if she can be so consistent every day, I could at least post more consistently. As I said the thought occurred LAST week, this is the first blog since then...oh well I will at least try to do 3 a week.

Quick hits:
  • 2 Guys watching 'Legends of the Guardians' together isn't that weird, us analyzing it...might be
  • Just saw a cute well behaved one walking around the play-pen of my gym and I decided "I really need to get my own little creature" I then realized I called a human child a "little creature"
  • Congratulating a woman on pregnancy is never safe unless you know for sure she is pregnant, I saw a guy at the gym do it again today, and that did not work well so I never mention pregnancy until I am sure the girl is pregnant.
    • But I always feel worse for the guy who asks the question. Now I know immediately you think "the guy is an Ass" but think of it this way, the guy is most likely well meaning and trying to be nice, now he feels bad for asking a fat person when she is expecting or congratulating least the person knows she is fat before the guy ever says anything, the poor guy now has to walk around feel bad that he offended. 
  • On the pregnancy issue; I was recently at dinner with friends and a girl I know to be promiscuous and a heavy drinker was there and I noticed she was NOT drinking. Well because her breasts looked bigger than normal and weighing the other factors I discreetly asked my other female friend if X-femme was pregnant...whew it was as if I asked if X was murdering kids, my friend was so mad at me for asking...I don't get it. How can one offend by proxy? And how is that not a legit question to ask? Oh well
  • I do not get the fascination with Glee, I occasionally watch it and each time I watch it I hate myself more for it and realize I dislike it more and more...I should be worried that my spell check had to correct how I spelled occasionally. 
  • Ah yeah the title, I completely forgot to address that, I posted that BP after working out. Yup, while I might be fat and have ridiculous eating habits, I actually work out a tonne just so that I can stay healthy
    • In fact my eating habits are so bad that I actually had to move from the dining/kitchen area while I blogged so that I would avoid eating/making giant choco chip cookies because I wanted more. I ate 3 brownies, a bag of chips a bowl of cereal and that was all post dinner of chicken and rice, just so that I would not make a batch of cookies because everytime I make a batch I eat about 8-12 right off the bat. 
      • It gets worse when you factor in I did this all post gym and stopped my ride home to go buy 2 bags of chocolate chips so that I would have the cookie options
    • Speaking of saddle sore, I do not know how anyone could ride in the Tour de France
      • On the plus side, thanks to riding to work, riding to lunch, and riding to the gym; I rode 33 miles today and that does not include whatever mileage I did in Spinning. 
  • I need to become more consistent with my lifting (I know, I know I just said I work out a tonne) is too haphazard, need to get back on a more consistent routine but damn my shoulder is really killing me so it has to be longer rest periods in between sessions and that throws me off my game.
    • On the plus side...let me post some numbers
      • Bench 300, Leg Press 1050, calf press 800, individual bicep curls 50, triceps pull downs 145, back pull downs 295 all in lbs. 
    • I want to improve the Bench, but do not know how to without my spotter, I am going to have to lower the leg press because my left knee cannot maintain the weight anymore but I can maintain the calf press and will not raise or lower that, clearly I have to try and improve the bicep curls, they might be better than that, but they are always done after back exercises so the muscle is already used up, triceps will go up in a month and the back pull downs are hard because as fat as I am I am still not heavy enough to smoothly control the weight and remain in the seat. 
  • Amazing that due to having to take a full week off from weight lifting my cardio is not as good, even though I have kept that up at least on its regular schedule.
So for the exes and the ones I thought were preggers

Friday, May 06, 2011

Inviting a girl 1 month of the plane from France to Cinco de Mayo...not the easiest thing

I received horrible news today, not news that is of immediate personal impact to me, but horrible because of the immediate pain it causes someone I love. Any long time reader (or close enough friend of mine) knows that death rarely affects me personally, what affects me is seeing the pain it causes to those around me [quick side step; when my Grandfather passed in Tobago my dad and I went, I was very young, but I felt no emotional pain, shed no tears until I saw how sad my Dad was and then I broke down, not for my Grand, but for my Dad.] It is much the same here I saw that my friend was in pain (saw it from afar) and it troubled me, troubled me enough that on a night I had not planned to drink at all, I drank.

But this is not a morbid blog, in fact this is the rare double blog in a 24 hour period. And I will try desperately to not give a virtual middle finger to Eli and Vivian for making me drive for 40 minutes each way and standing me up. Even though in the back of my head I had the above worries (tried to call before heading out because I was afraid of trying to answer the phone later, I would definitely have answered but would not have wanted any crazy yelling in the back ground) I had a fairly decent night. Let us do a brief recap

Finally heard the Charlie Sheen remix to the Duck Sauce's 'Barbara Streisand' hahah basically just replace her name with 'winning' and 'Charlie Sheen'. Since I have a tonne of work to do I think I will just stay up all night and work all night, and thus get to sleep in a bit (you had to know there was some trigger for the double blog).

So in regards to the title, I invited a French girl I met over the weekend out tonight, but trying to explain to her in my super limited French (yes I was trying to impress) was too much of a chore so I just ended the explanation with..."people go out and drink a tonne". I cannot wait to invite my Korean friend out for Bastille Day. Turns out she did come out, but she was at another bar and by the time we decided to walk past the spot there was too long a line and there was a Dart Bet to settle with Yau...more on that later

This is not Ego but science talking; I think I could write a 'club banger'. The elements seem basic, get a track with a HEAVY bass line, add a simplistic hook, put in some lines stating how much swagger, girls, jewels, power or money I have and this is key at some point raise my voice an octave.

There is nothing like seeing a girl dance for you, my boy was interested in the 'darker' of 2 girls and while he kept trying to catch her eye I was staring at her and her friend, (basically I had a lot running through my head and they just happened to be in my eyeline plus I knew my boy was interested in one). Every time the 'lighter' one locked eyes with me she would do a little swivel of the hips dance and mimic sliding down the pole ('move your body like a snake ma') I wish I was not so shy, this is what is known in the trade as 'on a platter'.

Towards the end of the night I said something I regret, not because I was mean or aggressive or anything but because I accidentally embarrassed someone and I did not mean to I was genuinely trying to help: As I was walking to the W.C. this guy walking past me had something slip from his pocket so I immediately said "hey man you dropped your lipstick" because he dropped it. He immediately looked at me angrily and said "that is not mine and it's not lipstick" so I walked on but I made sure on the way out to stop and look at the item and it was definitely lipstick. So now I wonder if he was ashamed of it, I clearly saw it fall from his pocket - maybe he was carrying it for his girl, maybe it was his (though he did not have any on and did not look like the type to wear), or and this one I hope is not true, he robbed some poor girls purse and just shoved everything in the purse in his pockets with plans to sift through later. No matter what it was, the reaction seemed . weird and I truly just wanted to help.

Finally, DARTS. You have to love the competitive nature of guys. Yau and I talked smack to each other about dart skills ignoring the fact that neither of us had ever seen each other play and of course even though it was late and post bar and we both have work in the morning we had to play a game of darts...he won the first which immediately necessitated a rematch which I won..."take that with you". So now Yau, we are 1-1 and that game you won was the last you will ever win against me!


Thursday, May 05, 2011

Hahaha Happy Birthday and "you cannot call your ex-girlfriend a whore"

Editor's update: Much of this was written yesterday but I did not post because of a conversation I had (with an Ex).

Happy Birthday Chica.
Let's hit the Randomize button:
- You cannot say an ex is a whore and not expect questions as to who
- Watching Lakers' games with Yau, makes the Lakers' games fun.
- Watching Lakers' games with Yau and having the Lakers LOSE make the games ENJOYABLE!
- Watching Yau's reaction while the Lakers lose is Heavenly
- Hoping the Lakers get Swept is just icing on the cake...even if half my LA friends might stab me...heck what are a few lacerations between friends?

- The Mavs and the Heat are looking like the 2 best teams, (thank goodness I picked the Heat to win it all) the rest of my bracket looks like Gas Station toilet paper, it is not even 2 ply and it looks like cardboard.

- Damn I miss riding Mountain bikes, I even more miss being fearless on the bike.
- I rode to a location that I was new to and it was only 3 miles (with traffic) and it took me 25 minutes
- I rode home from same location and now confident in where I was going did it in 9 minutes (flat road both ways before some ass tries to claim downhill)

- I am fat, I cut my ice-cream intake and gained bloody know what that means...time to up my ice-cream intake (and for me that can be breathtaking).

- This weekend's hike is going to be Bloody Fun; maybe I should warn the peeps that it is 6 miles round-trip!
- Nah most of the group are experienced hikers and badasses. Plus if anyone falls we have strong enough guys to carry them...I am looking at YOU NINJA!
- Hollywood Sign hiking seems like something everyone in LA should do...I know only a few that have ever done it.

- Unless you know the answer in advance some questions asked of exes immediately become sticky.
- I think one of my exes may have broken up with her boyfriend, I say may because last night when I asked what they were going to do for her birthday the conversation became as frosty as that Tub of Dulce De Leche that waits for me in the freezer.
- The problem? I tripped over myself trying to run away from the initial question while trying to look back to see the answer!
- I mean I have to ask the follow up right? You cannot get frosty on the first question and not at least try to scrape the glass to see what is in there.
I think part of why I was so hesitant to ask/find out was really should mean nothing to me!
- After all as the Stone COLD V there is no lingering physicality to look back on forward to...
"Well I guess it would be nice
If I could touch your body
I know not everybody
Has got a body like you

But I've got to think twice
Before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play
Because I play them too

Oh but I
Need some time off from that emotion
Time to pick my heart up off the floor"

- Good grief I suck at shopping for gifts.
- First I suck at even remembering to buy gifts in general, there have been countless times I have shown up at events and realized that I should have gotten a gift---I had to give my cousin cash because I forgot (granted I think cash is better, but it goes against that whole 'thought that counts' thing)
- But when I do remember I hate the shopping process; most of my friends already have too much (not playing the kid from the 3rd world card I seriously believe this). I think about getting them stuff and nothing seems needed or practical.
- Let me quickly take an ex here: I want to get her a gift but she is dating a dude; so the gift cannot be extravagant (u know like giving her windows TV or anything...yup I am taking a shot at someone here) so my plan of getting her a Blu Ray goes out the window; but it cannot be intimate either, so there goes things like jewelry or Teddy Bears or clothing of the lacy variety; I have not seen her in ages so cannot be clothing of any sort, with my luck I go too small too tight or something she no longer wears (whoops reviewing this I realized I did not put 'or too big' I swear I had it in my head to put that too); it cannot be music/dvds, cause really those are weak sauce choices and in our case she thinks her musical taste is superior to mine SHE IS WRONG and she never gives me credit for introducing her to artists Corinne Bailey Rae, Lupe Fiasco, Melonie Fiona, just to name a few...but really you can never know what music/dvds someone u have not seen in ages has.
- So now you are regulated to the simple things, things you may have heard the person likes, things they might be doing (like cooking) things that everyone needs like Soap - (especially those peeps who always seem to run out of soaps and have to turn the bottle upside down so the very last drop can come out, and then add water for that desperate morning when you have to shower before work but you forgot to hit the Ralph's or CVS that are pretty much on the same block as your work place...but I digress) or you get them things from shows you know they love
- For instance I would be lost if I had to get a gift for Yau, the kid has everything and needs nothing (and I am not getting anyone a Hooker [the idea is too demeaning to me - and comes to lingering feelings of the whole purchasing/renting a human thing, but that is a different discussion]) so I would probably just get him booze (though he is Asian and does get the flush) or just take him to a bar.
- So if I cannot buy for peeps who I am close to it is unfair pressure to ask me to do it for casual peeps
- But the obligation is still there and I honour it...when I remember it

- I have a knife by my bed
- Nope I am not a killer, nope I do not fear death or someone coming to get me. I just needed it one day to cut something and it was super helpful and now I find myself constantly using it, in place of scissors...I really need to put it back in the kitchen, I am becoming way too comfortable having a knife that close to me.
- I am surgical with the knife, not a boast just a statement of fact

- My scrabble game is improving as my tennis game deteriorates! I hope they are not related
- JT if you are reading this...I challenge you to a tennis game ASAP I need help (I will be the person wearing heavy sweats so no one can see my body).

- Hopefully I make it up to SF in a week and a half
- It looks like a glorious summer
- I miss my lifting buddy
- Ice cream is good for you
- Snickerdoodles are tasty
- Express gyms SUCK
- Vodka in a water bottle is not crazy, (look up the Russian word for water)
- And damn one of my exes sometimes looks like Eliza Dushku, dances EXACTLY like her, and sometimes acts just like how you probably pronounced her last name!


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Going to see Prince this Thursday!

Of Course you know I am going to include a clip of Dave Chapelle playing Prince, playing Charlie Murphy in a game of Basketball.

But before I get to that. I really thought about getting my ex tickets to Prince, she is into music and I think she would enjoy the concert. Then reality hit me and I realize that we talk so infrequently I cannot call her to find out if she would want to go so I do not even know if it is even cool to take her to a concert (I know she went to a show with one of her exes while we were 'dating' and she does not know I know, but I know and I was not happy, though not really angry) since she has a dude.

I also know that I would rather eat a bullet than get her tickets for both her and her current boyfriend and I would never be so callous as to just get her a solo ticket and go "here stand by yourself".

Ah well the perils of being exes: What is funny is that I got my boy and his 'possible' a pair of tickets which I think might actually be better than my own tickets! Yau...I hope it gets you more than a 'possible'. So even though I am not going as a couple I still ended up getting 'couple tickets'

I expect this concert to be bloody amazing. So far no one I know who has gone has had a single complaint and if you knew LA crowds/peeps you would know that is bloody unusual. This tour has already taken on legen(wait for it)dary status with peeps telling me crazy things like Alicia Keys and Mint Condition appearing on stage...yes I said Mint Condition, no I did not realize they were still together either (focus damn it we are talking about Prince here, Sorry 'Id and Ego' may have just taken over or a second). I have heard stories of 1 hour encores and even activities after the lights come up! I am really trying NOT to drive so I can just be care-free and party like its 199...ok I cannot finish that I refuse to be that guy.

Anyway it is time for the Prince sketch, it is a classic and seriously if your do not already know this sketch you really need to get the box Set of Chappelle Show and I would really love to know who jacked mine.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Things I think I think I know...the Runyon Canyon hike edition

- AMG kills it in his one and only song that everyone knows...seriously I do not know any other song than "B#$%H betta have my money": "It ain't nothing like black p---- on my d---" An amazing intro line combining lust, black pride and misogyny all in one amazing delivery that lets you know where the song is going to go
- This year in rap has been killing it so far...'Hey Muma', 'You be killing 'em', 'Boom' are sick.
- For a rapper that I constantly make fun of I have way too many Waka Flocka Flame songs...But seriously who does not like yelling out "WAAAAKKAAAA"?
- Rebecca Black's 'Friday' has better lyrics than most Lady Gaga and Katy Perry songs, the problem is...she really cannot sing


- I love hiking...I just hate organizing hiking.
- I always feel great after hiking...I feel lousy at the start
- Lenora Crichlow is amazingly hot...the bloody grey sweater just really does it for me.
- Sinead Keenan is sneaky hot too...even with the whole Werewolf thing
- If you are not watching BBC America, you are wasting your cable privileges
- BBM makes flirting ridiculously easy...maybe too easy

- I cannot abide liars...because other peeps lie so much, they expect everything you say in jest to be a lie also
- Girls are crazy...ok that was unnecessary but come on still fun to say
- Men are crazy too...damn politically correct conscience


- I have increased my Bench Press by 80lbs in one month...I was clearly slacking off the previous year.
- Leg pressing 4xs your body weight feels bloody awesome when others look at your weight stack...trying to step off the sled is not so awesome when you become light headed.
- My boy and I have become gym rats...we realized this when we hit the gym and about 20 different people gave us looks of recognition!
- We try and try not to flirt with girls at the gym, we do NOT want to be 'Those guys' but...I notice that we are slipping into comfortable patterns of talking to the girls we see every day, and just like a work place or a bar you frequent - words get exchanged.
- I got lucky that the girl who teased me that I was only lifting 20lbs walked by just as I maxed out the machine...if she had walked past 5 mins earlier she would have seen my 'warm up weight' which is pretty much TWENTY POUNDS
- Eli is a great lifting partner, helps to push me, watches the weight stack diligently, helps me keep form and understands joint limitations and pains...and that bastard is the WORST person when it comes to making me laugh at the most inopportune time. I bloody know one of these days one of us idiots is going to make the other laugh and drop a weight on a body part...hopefully its something non vital like our hearts
- The Dougie is a bloody fun dance...watching Eli some how managing to reverse it makes it a funny dance.
- It is a great dance workout...guys avoid it like the plague
- I thoroughly enjoyed my time in that class...I felt bloody awkward when the girls started to do 'booty pops and chest shakes'
- If you are the only (and this is NO exaggeration) the only man in a class with 64 women (yup I counted, when in awkward situations I take stock) girls tend to forget that you are there...I am used to women wearing just sports bras in the gym, but 40 plus women in sports bras sweating and dancing becomes awkward especially when many have dancers' bodies...what is more awkward is when they forget you are in the room and start tugging, adjusting and comparing - thank goodness I am black, I am pretty sure I was blushing


- I am quite clearly addicted...and now having it on my BB is a bad idea
- I love playing my friends, I love the smack talk and the back and forth...I especially love that when my friends hit a big move I instantly know it because I suddenly get questions like "are you going to play?" or messages letting me know its "Ur turn".
- As atrocious as my spelling is (seriously mom thanks for pointing it out and killing my self esteem) I am good at scrabble (really good)...I would be excellent if I could bloody spell.
- None of my exes are willing to play me in might be me?

- Hahah, hahahah hahahah...hey it is a personal blog.
- So far all are alive...I think, since one has just stopped talking to me!
- I am getting along really well with one...either she is single or she has multiple boyfriends but since we are getting along it is safer for me not to ask her anything like that
- One of my exes is a seriously she is...I feel dirty - she basically admitted some crazy stuff to me, seriously makes me re-evaluate myself.

- I am too sarcastic...that will probably not change
- People really admit too much to me...I am still not sure what it is, I think it is the deep voice and the poker face (that part does not work on the phone)
- The things I hear scare, excite, confuse, encourage, depress and leave me speechless...that is just monday night.
- "Tiffany box for a BJ, did you really say that?" That was my reaction to a girl telling me what she expects from the guy she is currently talking to...he is married
- Yau is right it's cool to make friends at any age.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Jersey Shore recap, come on no way do I know what episode # DVR says "The great Depression"

So I heard a good theory on the 'BS report' which attempted to explain why it seemed like the kids on JS can be so angry with each other one day and super happy with each other the next; almost as if they were seeing something that we were not able to see. The theory is that they are actually watching the Miami season as the 3rd season is being filmed. I do not think they are watching, I think they all just watched it heading into the new season and as their booze addled brains float in and out of consciousness they realize their feelings.

So the Epi starts with Ron crying actually crying is mild he is weeping, look I know some men cry, but these are the kind of tears that you usually see reserved for death. "Some days doctor situation, chef situation...bang your girl situation" Hahah Ron immediately realizes how ridiculous it is to listen to the S(n)itchuation talk about relationships.

"Mentally I feel like I have been abused" that is what Sam says, funny cause that is how I feel when watching this damn show. And nope not making light of abuse, I really feel like that relationship is bloody abusive, and I am usually hesitant to throw around that word. Heck NT for ages has called him Rapey and abusive and I stuck up for him, but damn the last few weeks of epis, has looked extreme.

Ron going to the girls looking for sympathy just strikes me as odd. That is like wearing fur to a PETA board meeting. And now he goes to the boys and Vinnie immediately makes a joke...maybe this is why he went to the girls first.

"1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a prank war" So announces Pauly D. If it was not for the rhyming nature of the sentence I would think that, that is as far as he could count. I know I was not the only one shocked that the girls could fit UNDER the beds. While the prank war is going on, I notice that the Sitch is sleeping...he really has lost his MVP status this season.

Snooks looking for her Crocodile pillow reminds me of an ex that would always sleep with a body pillow that was long and cylindrical...I am not saying I'm just saying...weird huh? So we already have Mike Snitchuating again. Oh damn it: Vinnie just called the Situation, Snitchuation not like I thought I was new with this or anything, but anytime the JS kids come up with something that I have come up with also...a little piece of me dies inside.

And there we go a Skins ad, with its ratings I actually thought it might have been cancelled.

Ron claims that Sam is the one he loves the most. OK NT, you are right, "he is the Ike Turner of the Jersey Shore". Did they really blame Ron for clogging not 1 but 3 toilets? That is scary and impressive. Damn it Ron man up, you cannot be crying in the bathroom. You really know Snooks has to go because she called him Ronaldo [Damn another week, and I just find out a real name? I need to quit this show].

The girls are supposedly hurrying to remove Sam's stuff from her room so Ron does not see it and get depressed. Yet they look like they are moving backwards. And how do you bloody forget a huge bag in the closet? I do not care how metro they might think Ron is, that purse was never going to be his. If I was in that house and ever wanted to know anything I would immediately just ask the Snitch. Come on Ron, if you want to know who moved Sam's stuff just ask him.

I think it is smart of that T-shirt store to give them Uniforms that have the stores name on front and the kids name on back...great promotion and I bed those damn shirts sell like hot cakes. Hmm now I want cake, I think I will make a cake or at least giant chocolate chip cookies today. Guess I have to hit the gym for a couple hours today.

Sorry to quote the 'BS report' again but they brought up a great point; If Tiger Woods had Ronnie's skills Elin would not only have stayed with him she would have thought all his cheating was her fault.

Ok so Paulie finds a disgusting pair of undies in the bathroom and instead of hmm I don't know, leaving them there, or throwing them away he instead takes them to the living room and puts them on a bean bag...but Deena adds to that disgusting level and PICKS THEM UP! I think Ron with his immense logic might be right, she touched them, they must be hers.

Damn it, I need to see single Ronnie. Hmm really convenient that a 'Friend' that just happens to be Paulie's ex just conveniently shows up. Mike's way of dancing with her kind of feels Rapey (shout out to NT).

Ron declares that he will get her back (Sam) because "I get what I want". Sounds creepy when he says it. But, I often think like that. mini M.O.T. here, I think like that all the time, in fact I recently admitted to 2 girls that I ended up dating that when I first saw them I turned to my homies and said I would date them. Even though at the time, both had bfs at the time. BUT I never ever have taken another man's girl: not my move.

"I wanna meet hot guerilla juice heads" but instead Snooks meets a "Mario Brother". I find that the guys Snooks really likes are pretty much the opposite of what most of my friends like. "Deena turns into the Sloppapotamus a combination of a Slop tart and a Hippopotamus put together" so says the Sitch, then tries to repeat the word and stutters his way through his second attempt...but he still keeps the Poet Laureate throne.

Ronnie comforting a girl, just seems crazy...but then he demands that she go get him supplies and things feel right.

Really kid, you 'cock blocked' someone and then go back to that house to tap one of the roomies? Suspiciously stupid, like you just want to be on camera stupid. Vinnie's girl just hangs on his arm like a limpet. She is like an adornment like a Fur stole. Wow kid actually asks in the middle of the Smush "what's my name?" then finds out that Snooks does not know his name...dumb move because he is clearly not going to stop the smush, and then finds out that his name is unnecessary to the operation.

No way Ron cannot really be thinking of leaving! I demand to see single Ronnie, none of this moping despondent beast.

Ok I am off to hit the gym. I figure 5 miles on the Elliptical, 1 hour lifting will allow me to eat Spicy chicken crispers and chocolate chip cookies.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Stop when you have heard this b4, Sammie and Ronnie got into a fight…Jersey Shore recap.

Oh we start with the ‘previously on Jersey Shore’ which recaps the previous Ron and Sammie dust up…ok actually this could be the start of every JS episode. It feels right that at the same time I am watching JS I am looking up the history of Malt Liquor.

The Sitch is on his snitch game and it is not even 2 minutes into the episode. He might have set a new record for speed-snitching. [A quick aside: Sitch is supposedly leaving after the next season to try and get into movies…just let that marinate in your head.] I have said it before and I will say it again, Deena has a surprisingly good body, for some reason her face just does not make you think she would, I hope that is not mean.

So Ron walks past a bar with Pauly waves to Sam and Sam turns to Deena and claims that Ron is walking with a girl: I think this is a case of if you want to see something, you will see it. I love that Ron is brewing and stewing for a fight with the Sitch and Sam just keeps pushing buttons. Watching this makes it so much funnier that when Ron picked her up at the start of the season Sam’s mom told him to take care of her.

I always love the Situation’s recaps of events: his version and the actual events are never ever in synch. Sometimes they are so far off I almost wonder if the editors cut parts out of his brain, not just the tape. Whoa, smooth move by the Sitch, dropping in the fake apology. Hell even Pauly D. spots it calling it a Voodoo trick. Where the hell was Snooks and Jwoww while that whole fight was going on? Sometimes it seems like people just get cut out of the script, oops I mean house.

I just blanked out over the last Sam and Ron fight, I figure there will be another this episode so I barely paid attention. “I used to drink the beer promoted by Billy Dee By the bodega in chancletas and a white tee”

So I was right and another fight starts, Vin asks Pauly if he should go up and separate and he is discouraged. Hahah Pauly D, complains that he cannot clean his shoes while they are fighting. Did Sitch just say “I have to go up there and get my backwards hat”? Please tell me he is not talking about a cap that you just turn backwards. Whoa Ron…if they chick is on the bed, you really might not want to start turning it over…not a good look. I am not going as far as abusive, but it is close man, it is damn close. And your threat to take girls home and “Fu@k the Sh!t out of them” really, really comes off rapey. (NT did not actually say that to me, but I am pretty damn certain she is thinking it). Though I am sure O, agrees with his sentiment, if not his attitude.

Hahah the fight continues through a commercial break, and I think about how quickly producers jump into fights on other TV shows even other MTV shows, but here; yeah, let’s have a dude toss a bed around with a girl on it. Oh crap, Sitch was looking for a baseball cap, I wonder if he knows that the hat actually works in 2 directions? I also cannot stop laughing that he is wearing an ESPN ‘Sportsnation’ cap.

Watching Snooks and Deena move Sammie’s bed harkens back to the days of watching Sitch and Pauly D working on their Engineering degrees in Miami when they tried to dismantle Angelina’s bed. Apparently moving a bed downstairs “is an analogy to Vin trying to fit his penis in my pinhole” – Snooks, again going after the Poet Laureate crown.

Damn it, I need to examine myself because Sammie is actually looking hot to me right now and for once she is not dancing in a fashion that looks like she is having a seizure. Ronnie says “I want to f-ing ring your neck right now” note, he says this is a bloody confessional, which means he had time to think about the words he chose to use. And we are back to Ron redecorating his room aka throwing all of Sammie’s stuff out the door and smashing things, yeah no rage there at all. As Sammie returns to the house she utters these words “I am scared to [sic] what I am walking into” not a good sign when a girl utters those words. I have been mean to girls in my past, we all have bad moments, but I am certain very certain that no girl has ever uttered those words when coming home to my house or any house that I am in.

Ron’s rationale goes beyond hypocrisy; it is an amazing ability to just block out your own wrongs and find fault with someone doing the exact same thing you did/do. He made out with a bunch of girls got numbers, his ex dances with a guy and they are equivalents: “I rather you do it while I am not there” that is his rational for destroying her stuff.

Look I am shy, I mean shy to the point that very few of my friends have ever seen me kiss a girl, and these kids blatantly tell the world that they are about to have sex, and even come out modeling lingerie. I am pretty damn sure I would not be able to make out on this show much less loudly proclaim that I want/need the smoosh room. I am going to hate myself, but I am definitely watching the after-show.

Looks like Sammie is leaving the house – is it for good? Hey NT, I win the bet! It is like price is right, closest to the number without going over. You know what? When Sam tells the kids that she is leaving, they seem sympathetic, but no one really seems to fight hard to get her to stay. Whoa Ron just called her by her full name Samantha. I just realized that I am so ingrained into calling her Sam or Sammie that I did not even think that her real name was Samantha, I mean I knew it had to be, but I still did not really register it…maybe this show really does kill brain cells! Until I actually saw that cab door close I was still concerned that she might come back into the house. Bit suspicious that the cab that Sammie in just happens to have cameras in it!

Ok time for the after-show: no clue if I will blog it. Let’s just see how it goes

Whew Julissa is such a horrible interviewer but cot damn she is sexy. Damn, unseen footage, this is worth it: I cannot believe that big girl labeled herself ‘a bomb’ and tried to get with the Sitch, feels like a blatant star-bleeper. Grenade, to grenade launcher, to the Tank…these are apparently the levels of girls to avoid. I am a big fan of the face made by the Sitch when the grenade whistle went off.

Wow I have no attention span, while watching the Aftershow I broke off to listen to the old School, Rah Digga, ‘Party and Bullsh!t’: “I beat that bitch with a bat” I think the Ronnie Sammie fight triggered it.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Fastest man least in the gym tonight

So I did what I found funny but I suspect is a bit of a douchey thing in the gym today. There is a boot camp class that about 3/4 of the way through always goes into wind sprints. So knowing that just about 5 minutes before I knew they would get to wind sprints I slipped into the class. Now remember the rest of the class is at this point struggling for their 3rd and 4th wind, much less a 2nd wind.

So once the wind sprints started I was Usain Bolt, I am already sneaky fast as I have told u many a time. But combine my Ninja quick with already fatigued persons and I was lapping peeps!

I was so far ahead of everyone for the return half of the sprint it looked like I was running by myself. When we switched to relays my team of 6 was finished before some teams got to their 4th runner.

In one of the relays I was so cocky I ran an extra time and we still won. Now I did not do this for ego, but rather just for the fun of it: But best believe that when a girl complimented me. - I preened like I had just won the gold

So u would think that after invading the class just to 'show off' in sprints I would stick around for the rest of class. You would be wrong. Sprints ended and so did my class participation, I left my valiant competitors and headed back to getting my 'swoll on'

Friday, February 04, 2011

Jersey Shore or “you need a golden ticket to get into these drawers”

Is the Sitch really hitting on the girl with the line “I’ve got Situation pajamas for real”. Any girl that has watched the show has to know what that means.

I worry when I like Ronnie’s actions towards Sammie…cause I do not want to feel like a misogynist. But then Nicole loves it, so I do not feel too horrible. However, no matter how bad I feel about Ron’s treatment of Sammie…the fact that Sitch is trying to smush in a room that contains a couple puking almost requires a special award. I cannot think of one because I am so disgusted, but it needs an award.

Snooks fell asleep in the dog enclosure. Hahah why does that feel so right?

“Why is Ronnie bleeding out of his ass?” Hahah Sammie seems way too happy to say that. Watching the doctor explore Ronnie’s anus on TV is disturbing…come on MTV we could have had this closed door. So Ronnie’s bleeding may be caused from too much drinking? Cot damn dude, you drink way too much when that is an issue. I have friends who are raging alcoholics and this is not even close to happening to them…or maybe it is and they keep it A BLOODY SECRET.

So the topic in the car is female masturbation: This sadly is what I think will be the deepest conversation of the show and we are only 10 minutes in…maybe I should stop watching this show. But Nicole and Ofelia would kill me. Snooks rides a tricycle and breaks it, no, really, no one saw that coming.

“I told him I am taking his sperm” Snooks keeps her position as the #1 contender for the Situation’s poet laureate crown. Watching these kids out at clubs I remember my college days…and I really hope I was not like this group. Though, sometimes I do have flash backs to Spring Break in South Padre – not saying it was anything like this and since I never lie, I will just stop talking about my memories. I love that Deena blatantly tells everyone that they need to go home immediately because she has plans ‘to cuddle’. But then in a surprise move tells us that “it is not Halloween I am not hiding out candy for free, you need a golden ticket to get into these drawers” watch out Snooks you may lose that contender status – then Deena immediately gives it up. Somewhere Chapelle as Rick James is laughing “Yeah I stepped on your couch”. Back to contender status, Snooks in the middle of sexual escapades announces “ugh…my period” now you might wonder how could that put her back to #1 but really, it is short sweet and effective it lets you immediately know what is happening.

Snooks explains to us why she never enters the ocean and why it is salty (she also shows us that she is a brilliant scientist as well as the #1 C.) “It is all whale sperm”. Is it bad of me that I would think that, that would be an incentive for her to enter the ocean?

Oh no, did that idiot really think that Pauly D was an answering service? Answer: Yes. The usual ‘Skins’ ad aside: Why is it that none of their ads grab my attention or even make me want to consider their show? But the Ronnie Xenedrine ads? Whew that level of bad acting cannot be skipped through, I have to stop and watch him try to read his lines every time.

I noticed 2 things while the girls were at the sex store: Deena clearly got jealous at how Jwoww looked and secondly Sammie looked like she went because she felt it was an obligation.

“What don’t I do for Sam, beside wipe her ass and cook for her?” Ron sneaking into the contender ring – Watch your backs Snooks and Deena.
The T-shirt job gig is so blatantly fake: they make about 30G an episode they clearly do not need or care about this job. Their boss noted that they came in 2 hours late and they are not even wearing their ‘work t-shirts’ and they do not even try to apologize instead they attack him. The t-shirt shop just needs them for free publicity because otherwise they are the worst workers on earth.
Another show that just cannot grab me is ‘My life as Liz’ it looks horrendous. Nothing in its ads makes me feel like it is for me.

“Face down ass up that is the way I like to have a good time” Deena is really rolling for the crown. Oh and yes Tracy “Face down ass up” is a song! Deena asks Pauly D a valid question “Are you really bringing the stalker home?” Pauly complained for much of the first season that a girl was a stalker, then she throws a drink in his face this season…and he brings her home. Damn this chick is sitting through a million stalker jokes and she has the crazy eyes. She is NOT meeting the proper ratio of hot to crazy. Hot Crazy scale HIMYM watch and laugh

Ronnie and Sammie are fighting surprise, surprise. They are breaking up AGAIN. Sammie wants him to look her in the face to break up…then when he does she wants to talk some more. Methinks the lady did not think she would get called out. ‘Drive Angry’ – they have clearly run out of movie titles and Nick Cage will take anything offered, I doubt he even reads a script anymore he just hears he has a role and he signs the contract.

Oh wow, before seeing the show I told Nicole that I think Sammie was only on the show because Ronnie was there. And then Ronnie basically calls her out with my exact words. I am slightly afraid when Ronnie says things like “her not being with me, I can make her time here miserable”. That is the kind of thing you hear from dudes that well…let’s just leave that alone.

And I was right, female masturbation was the deepest convo of the episode.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Sometimes my dreams wake me up v.12.3

Last night my boys and I went out drinking and then we got a late night Philly Cheese Steak. I have often heard people blame late night food for causing crazy dreams and maybe now I have to believe in that viewpoint.

My dream last night was so vivid and 'real' that I did not get a good night of sleep, all bloody HOUR that it was. I may have to avoid late night Philly's if they really cause vivid dreams because I cannot afford my sleep to be affected by dreams with the horrible insomnia that I suffer from. I also find it weird that I was able to fall into a dream so quickly. I wonder if my insomnia allows for quicker REM cycles and entering deep sleep stages faster than normal folks. I could look this up, or I could wildly speculate...I will go with wild speculation and say that I entered it rapidly and that is not normal.

So Derek has been insisting the last few times I have been around him that I should do stand up comedy. An idea I am very resistant to. I am witty in small settings, I can easily make fun of people, their mistakes, appearances, actions and words. But that is because I am relaxed around friends, quick witted and willing to make fun without being mean. BUT, I do not have the ego to think that I could actually stand before an audience and entertain them. In fact to me that would be a horrifying thought. And that horrifying thought is part of what laced the dream. I should add right now that I woke up panting as if I had run a mile or in my case engaged in public speaking, which always charges me up and gets my heart racing.

So in my dream the Eagle Rock clique (yup I call my different groups cliques based on their locations: The Irvine clique, now excludes me; the Hermosa Beach Clique makes me look like a little guy {an aside to the aside: My bro and his gf were having dinner and he saw me walk out of a restaurant with the HB clique and turned to his gf and said words that I have often uttered [Blood relation and mind connection] "When was the last time you ever saw Aaron being the smallest guy in a group?" - I am currently 208lbs and still the smallest guy in the HB clique} and the South Pas/Eagle Rock clique makes us look like the United Nations) were all out at a bar which somehow led to us going to a concert - dreams yeesh u just jump around to locations with impunity.

Derek apparently knows the MC of the show, NT, is a feted celeb, Ofelia has her 'ladies' being ogled by various peeps as she walks the red carpet, Tracy somehow is dating not one but 2 Texas Rangers players and they are with our clique (I think that might have been inspired by the fact that we had drinks in a bar with Robert Horry, some small time actors and a few baseball players) Yau was buying Uggs (look the concert had a great concession store) and insisting that he would not cook crab brought in from outside the arena. But the painful part is that while they are all rolling down the Red Carpet like ballers I was bringing up the rear combing out my afro. Thing is as I walked the carpet I could feel tangles in my fro which I kept trying to twist out (I kid you not I woke up this morning and I had twisted parts of my hair) so I was not getting to meet the fans of the other guys...none of the fans were there for me.

The dream then jumps: Derek is on stage, NT and O are in the front row, T-money is sitting in a player's lap (dirty girl) while the other player looks ticked and Yau has multiple girls trying to talk to him. I however am in the back of the arena, nervously sweating. My brain I think was trying to wake me up, because I started to question my dream while in the dream, I kept telling myself this must be a nightmare because I knew something bad was going to happen. Well in the dream bad things started to happen to peeps around me while leaving me ok. People were getting slimed like the old school Nickelodeon show 'You can't do that on TV'. Anytime anyone answered a question wrong, or had a bad performance, or took too long to start singing they were slimed. It was a horrible mix of American Idol, YCDTOTV, Last Comic Standing, and Showtime at the Apollo.

But, no biggie, everyone was getting slimed but I was clearly safe right? Because no way was I ever going on that stage. So why was I sweating so much? Then I saw Derek grab the mic, NT and O started walking towards me, Tracy started pointing at me, and Yau who was now right beside me yelled "Oh here go hell come" even in my bloody dreams it seems I try to keep racial integrity. I felt my legs start to propel me down the arena, which I realized became the Nokia theater and as I am walking towards the girls I started to remove my watch (leather band - Oh crap, this means I am worried about getting slimed) I remove the gold bracelet because I do not want the force of the slime to break the links (apparently I thought the slime would hit me like a hurricane) then as I am handing them to NT I yell, "This means nothing, I am not going to get slimed I am just doing this because the rules say take off jewelry" I hand O my wallet (hmm...should I be worried that the girls are handed all my valuables?) with the words "try not to spend all of it" I then jump on stage - it's a dream I can be athletic.

I am at this point furious with Derek, and basically threaten him with grievous bodily harm no matter the outcome. I tell him that if I get slimed, his life is forfeit and if I come out on top I am smashing his face in for getting me in this situation. Derek just chuckles (damn it FEAR ME IN MY DREAMS, and in real life) hands me the mic and then does what he always says he will do if we ever go to an open mic, he just starts yelling topics at me, and pointing to people in the audience for me to make fun of.

And I RIP THE STAGE. This is why it was a dream and not a nightmare, I performed an excellent set. I stood up there for 15 minutes and performed. What is crazy about it, is that in my dream I could feel myself on stage and I felt the passage of time, I felt myself running through a whole set. And unfortunately I could also feel myself stealing jokes from other comedians and using them on people in the audience...but I suspect that was necessary for the passage of time in the dream, there is no way I could have actually run through a set without having back up material. But the audience loved me, they laughed like I was Richard Pryor. I was so good that the guy with the slime controls started sliming people in the audience for laughing too hard. He then started sliming anyone I made fun of: By the time I was done almost half the audience was covered in green.

And then because clearly my dreams turn me into a cocky bastard I just held out my arms as if welcoming it all in and had the girls come on stage and replace my jewelry on my arms...because apparently if you are funny, you do not need to use your own hands. My wallet was placed in my back pocket in a rather awkward exchange and Tracy let me know that the players wanted to hang out with me because I was such a cool guy. I then told Yau to pick a girl because the rest were Derek's. Yeah clearly even in my dreams I cannot be a 'playa'.

So since I had created a commitment for Yau, and a 'playground' for Derek, I mysteriously became MARRIED...I think at this point my brain was starting to 'function' again because things really got fuzzy. I was married because I wanted to go home and 'celebrate' (good Christian upbringing) but I could NOT make out who my wife was. I do know that my friends were high-fiving me for such a good choice in the quality of girl and my parents were finally happy with me.

During the wedding that seemed to last only a minute (I suspect residual Vegas flashbacks) I still managed to refurbish my sister's house and win a death penalty case. So just as I was shaking hands with my client (who I really thought was guilty so I was having a crisis of conscience) I winked at the judge and got threatened with contempt of court and...WOKE UP!

Yup...that is my dream and if food is the reason for that brand of crazy, we might be in trouble because I just ate chicken pot pie and ice cream while typing this and it is 12:15am.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.