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Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Bachelorette recap or, the worst thing to ever happen at the Alamo?

We pick up where we left off with Ian finding multiple ways to call Kaitlyn (K) a 'ho' and 'beneath him'. Ian decides to tell us that "what I am is pretty deep." He continues to tell K that she is superficial while I stare at the balding top of his head. K tells Ian that "I am super offended by you" and he continues to chip away at her. Ian claims that he is not trying to offend K...come on son you allegedly went to an Ivy league, you have to know that you are offending a woman. I think Ian was/is hoping that by 'dissing' K he would come across as 'the man' someone who parties (because let's be honest so many of the peeps on this show are hoping to be offered hosting gigs) and speaking engagements will remember and hire.

If you did not know Ian went to Princeton, he repeats it constantly, this is the worst recruiting material for the school (*not like the school needs help recruiting but there is the impression that it produces elitist douches). In the going away interview Ian again states that he would make an awesome Bachelor (he is wrong) and that girls would come out of the woodwork for him - I suspect those girls would all be subsequently dissed by him.

The guys all sit around wondering how K is feeling, Nick is the only one smart enough to check up on her. While I might think Nick is slimy and not in this 'for the right reasons' (couldn't resist) he from his first season and again on this one, plays 'the game' very well. Finally poor man's Ryan Gosling decides that another guy should go check in on K and he happens upon K and Nick loudly kissing (kiss count ONE).

K in a confessional tells us that intimacy is an important part of any relationship and she is not ashamed of that, I appreciate and applaud that. I keep a kiss count each episode not because I am 'slut shaming' (note I started it during a Bachelor season) but because I think it is funny just how many people get kissed and I am still waiting for that magical episode where everyone gets kissed, prior to the final 4 episode where that is easier to bat a 1000.

Obvious Man Chris Harrison from the GREAT state of Texas lets us know that it is an incredibly difficult time for K and lets us know that we are at the Alamo, followed by the group standing in front of...come on I know you guessed it - THE ALAMO.

Chris the dentist is wearing a jacket that he took from the 'Death to Smoochy' collection and the show uses him to do all the bad puns and analogies, 'the show is like the wild west' to get a rose 'I would pull my own tooth'.
Tanner gets the final rose and the moment was spoiled for me by E who texted me earlier to ask "Have you ever known anyone named Tanner that wasn't on the Bachelor/ette?" once it came down to the final 3 it became obvious who was staying...yes E I am calling you out ;) And the answer to her question is No!

While Joshua is fighting tears in his exit interview (with his terrible hair cut that K butchered) he has the bad moment of hearing the remaining guys cheering for the announcement that the group is going to Ireland.

We zoom across to Ireland and just to make sure you know we get Irish jigs and a tonne of B roll, K tells us that coming to Ireland has always been on her bucket list; coming off of San Antonio being on her bucket list I really want to see just how long that list is, it must come with an index.

Nick gets the one on one date and says it is the luck of the Irish! Shawn looks like he wants to murder him and he didn't even have to sit through that corny line like we had to. We get to see more of K's fear of birds, pity she seems immune to jackasses. Like every country visit these groups go on, on every season, they just 'randomly' happen to come upon people performing in the streets...and just happen to be of all the peeps in the crowd, invited to join! Nick buys them both rings and K seems to think it counts as marriage.

The evening portion of the date is about to occur, but first lets check back in the guys awkwardly sitting around waiting for the date card; Ben H reads it and I weep for the American education system. Half way through this show, we are still on the first date with three dates to go, no way does this show end without the over used 'to be continued'.
On the date K and Nick have a bunch of inane chatter that is apparently sexy? K reaches for the rose that we knew was coming from the moment he got the date but the voice over lets us know that "Nick just makes me feel like a woman, a desired woman." K invites Nick back to her room - she claims that with Nick she "forget there are cameras...there are people involved with this." Yet, when Nick lifts her up for a kiss she murmurs "cameras are still going." By the way, this all started in a Catholic church...the desecration of church grounds week after week continues!

Nick and K are in the hotel suite, and K tells us that she does not want the night to end...we get to see Nick's hand slightly up her skirt. K takes him into the bedroom and we continue to hear the loud kisses while we cut back to Jared and Shawn lamenting that Nick is even on the show. We are presented with a locked bedroom door and windows but mics that are still on so we get to know that Nick wants "to know every part of" K. My closed captioning helpfully tells me that 'Sheets [are] rustling' and 'Kaitlyn moaning' 'Heavy Breathing' 'Kissing continues' if you are not watching this show with closed caption on you are missing half this show's comedy factor - thank me later.

We come back from commercial and I kid you not this CHEESY ASS show starts the segment with video of BIRDS and then...BEES! We see K on the balcony looking perturbed while Nick takes the walk of shame (Stride of Pride). K asks the cameras "Has this ever happened before?...I do not want this to be an issue...I'm trying to think if...Chris and Britt did have sex, what I would have done." She says she is not sorry about the act, no need to be, she is just worried about the consequences. Nick joins the other guys and cannot stop goofy smiling. He is blatantly trying to tell Joshua that he had sex with K. The other guys come in so Nick repeats it to the other guys and says "yeah it was intimate, it was really personal..." This is all why we see K on the balcony still stressing that Nick will tell the other guys what happened - did she not see Nick telling the world that he had sex with Andi?

Group date:
OMCH tells the boys that K is dead, he is a terrible actor, the group date is to pretend that they are at an Irish wake. K is also a terrible actress at pretending to be dead. So we had Irish jigs in the street, a dinner date in a Catholic church and now a mock Irish wake if the group starts a drunken brawl I will say this show has hit all the stereotypes. The guys give mock toasts to K Chris the Cupcake decides to sing...shocking. Ben Z clears the room for his toast and then K reminds us that Ben Z's mom passed away when he was young and she does her usual move of after causing pain saying "I didn't mean for this to be hard on anyone, I just wanted to keep this lighthearted." Like Jared he kisses her on the forehead (I do not count those in the kiss counts...if your gam gam can do it to you, I cannot count it). Oh look its a preview of Britt showing her guy Brady to her mom.

Evening portion;
They visit a Guinness facility - the guys are starting to do the math and realizing how important that rose is for getting towards the end. Jared in his one on one time is clearly looking around to see if the other guys are looking before leaning in for his kiss (TWO). Shawn shows K pictures of his family that earns him a kiss (THREE). Jared wins the rose, like Shawn I have no idea why. Jared gets more alone time with K and The Cranberries give them a private show...I feel bad for them...The Cranberries that is.

Shawn has gone missing from the group and we find him talking to someone from the crew he tells him that K has told him "you're it" and lets us know that he and K spent time talking for 6-7 hours in his bed. Apparently his parents went through a terrible divorce and thus he is not exactly built for a show like this. We see Shawn heading back to the hotel and going to K's room, she immediately starts stressing out that Shawn knows about what happened with we get a lot of crying in the confessional and yup you guessed it "TO BE CONTINUED."
It looks like next week instead of a Kiss count we are going to have to have a Cry Count!

Back to Britt, Brady and her mom. Britt's mom tells her that she thinks Brady is sweet "and a great new friend" Britt is worried that her mom using the word 'friend' means that Brady is just in the friend zone. Which is of course something she tells the camera rather than just asking her mom!

Monday, June 22, 2015

A quick word on a fake controversy before I then write my usual superficial Monday blog

Before firing up my DVR I watched 5 minutes of Fox they blasted the president for the N word and then moved on to accusing the AP of trying to get Ted Cruz killed because of this photo

I am not here to ever talk politics...but shouldn't we also consider the fact that the reason that picture was able to be framed was because he was at an event and location that was pro gun? It was a "Celebrate the 2nd Amendment" event! Oh the irony! The same event where Mr. Cruz said this "“You know, the great thing about the state of Iowa is I’m pretty sure you all define gun control the same way we do in Texas,” Cruz said, according to the Huffington Post. “Hitting what you aim at.”" ( Can we sometimes just spare the fake outrage?

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Bachelorette recap or did you really graduate from Princeton?

R.I.P. Dusty Rhodes this is truly 'Hard Times' "My belly is just a little big, my hiney is just a little big, but brother I'm BAD!" Yessir.

On to the ratchet! We restart with Nick entering the elevator to go to the suite with the rest of the guys. He walks into the room with a grin and faces all the guys who were clearly staged on one side of the room since Nick gets to sit on a completely empty huge couch.

One of the guys asks the question we all want to know "are you just chasing your 16th minute of fame." The hostility towards Nick is palpable.
Even after all of this...there is going to be a cocktail party and it is going to be at Citi Field (cool location) but the thing that I notice most is - Nick has a suit, last week you will remember my pointedly noting Nick's luggage or lack thereof: where did he get the Suit? It was not in his bag! So much fakeness! Citi Field has not been the sight of many victories so I guess it makes sense to have a bunch of losers there!

Many of the guys struggle around Kaitlyn (K) to not say the wrong thing when it comes to calling her out about bringing Nick back. Shawn basically calls her stupid.

The rose ceremony is held on the infield with K standing on the pitchers mound, very few home runs here (yes I am trying to make bad puns, it is the nature of this show). Many of the guys appear to be shaking but I do not think its solely nervousness I think they are actually freezing, K is bundled up but many of these guys are simply in jackets and dress shirts. Obvious Man Chris Harrison shows up to let us know one rose is left and he is clearly freezing he could not leave that mound fast enough and starts putting his hands back in his pocket before he even walks off. Nick gets the final rose and many of the guys look ready to punch him directly in the face.

K tells the guys that they are getting out of the cold and going "to somewhere that I have always wanted to go, San Antonio Texas." Look I went to school in Texas, I LOVE TEXAS, but come on, no way the Canadian girl had it on her bucket list.

Ben H gets the One on One date:
They drive off in a retro truck - And go to take a Two Step lesson at Texas' oldest dance hall, ah I miss Texas. Ben apparently has 2 left feet. They then join a 2 step competition. And we get a lot of 2 step competitors (and maybe the world's oldest 2 stepper) telling us some trite phrases about dancing and love. K and Ben of course get smoked but he still gets the episode's first kiss (ONE). The evening portion of this date was so boring I fell into reading Dusty Rhodes tributes, he would never have made it on to a show like this because of his look, but damn he would have been fun as a member of this type of cast.

Group Date:
There is a mariachi band right off the bat so of course we know the guys are going to be playing Mariachi - Cultural appropriation continues! The guys have to write Mariachi lyrics and are being coached by a pre-teen. Ian is very cocky and acts as if he has this in the bag. The guys are dressed as mariachis and will be preforming infront of a gathered crowd. JJ can play the guitar, however he cannot sing. Jared references the Frito Bandito (SIGH - see cultural appropriation). Joe is terribly off key but steals a kiss (TWO). Ian comes across as bad as those American idol singers who at the start of auditions tells you they are going to kill it, that all their friends think they are the best they have ever heard and then squeak out a terrible rendition of a popular song.

 Nick instead of performing in the plaza takes K up to a balcony and thus all the guys had to look up to him (literally) and this did not help his standing in the group, he steals a kiss before returning K to the group. (THREE).
Evening portion:
Joshua allows K to cut his hair as an exercise in trust, that explains why his hair cut seemed so bad in the interviews and the previews - all the guys laugh at him when he returns to the group and he didn't even get a kiss. On Nick's one and one date with K, he spends much of the time kissing her while the guys in the room talk about him. Nick pulls his lips off K long enough for her to question him about his feelings regarding the other guys, he plays coy. Joshua launches into Nick as soon as he gets back, I agree with JJ (hate those words) that the hair cut is part of what has pushed Joshua to the edge. Nick claims that he is happy that he did not win his season, he has rehearsed his statement well.

Josh goes back to meet with K, and I then realize they are filming in a church. WHY Bach/ette productions must you constantly desecrate 'holy' grounds? Methinks these grounds are rented out to the show with the owners of the churches/monasteries etc having either A. no idea what the show is about B. or no belief that the show would ever actually film anything but establishing shots in these areas. I just cannot imagine my dad ever allowing this to happen in our church, in fact I would see him storming onto the set like Jesus driving the money changers out of the temple.

Josh tells K that Nick is constantly talking about his season with Andi "his absolute love for Andi." I guess Josh was telling the truth when he said he didn't watch previous seasons, it is rarely a good move to snitch to the person giving out the roses. Josh suddenly realizes midway that he probably should not have told any of this to K and the color is draining from his face. When Josh goes back to the guys he pretends that he was in an interview for the whole time he was missing, not realizing that the guys all know he was with K. He is shortly followed by K who asks him in front of all the guys if they are all being honest with her, they say they are, Joshua then stammers in front of her and looks to the other guys for back up; they smartly do not. The guys then turn it around on him and point out to him that he lied to them about being in an interview. Granted, K sold him out especially the way she posed the question to the group and to Joshua (no one wants to be called a liar) but Joshua, you had to know you were setting yourself up for failure - the whole plan backfired on him and Nick ends up getting the group rose, leaving him with a very smug smile.

One on One:
Shawn meets K and gets an immediate kiss (FOUR) and they go kayaking, fairly boring date. But he shares some drama that happened to him, he was in a bad car accident. If I were ever on this show I would have so many stories like this, I basically have my narrative already laid out...the kid who should have died 3 times! Shawn tells her he is falling in love with her and K whispers "I'm feeling the same way" uhmm this seems way too soon. Shawn's nickname on Grantland is Ryan Schnozling because he looks like Ryan Gosling with a huge nose - I think that is what is pulling K in, she probably watched 'The Notebook' a dozen times.

We cut back to Ian who is morose in the hotel room because he is the "Princeton graduate, former model, who defied death a couple times" he tells Nick that he thinks he would be a great bachelor, weird to tell your competition that you have no interest in the girl you are competing for.

He says he is going to tell K all of this at the next rose ceremony, but looking at my DVR clock I am not hopeful that we will get through this without a "to be continued." I heard a theory that because guys keep leaving the show at a pace the producers did not like they have had to stretch the show out a bit more than normal.

Cocktail Party:
Ian "Kaitlyn wants to hear the truth, but I don't think Kaitlyn can handle the truth, she is not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend." Jared gets time with K and she takes him to her room he gets a kiss (FIVE). Ian "against all of my logic, K does not want someone like me, and it is making me look bad...if one of these lames is better than me, then just pick one of these lames." No Ian, K not picking you is not what is making you look bad.

The guys then get to see K kissing Joe (SIX) with Ian telling us in a voice over "I don't find K interesting, she seems to be here to just make out with a lot of people" he then tells us that he has sex with a lot of people, way to boast buddy - You are a credit to Princeton! Ian gets his time with K and goes in on her, he tells her that he questions her intentions and of course we get the "to be continued"

So riddle me this Ian, you are on national TV boasting that you have sex with a lot of women (classy) but a girl kissing a bunch of suitors is bad? Apparently Princeton may give you a great education on paper but like the old phrase says "Common sense is not common." And someone somewhere should have taught you this simple lesson, do not be a condescending misogynistic dick! 

Friday, June 12, 2015

Bachelorette recap or Seriously we are going to pretend that this is not a set up with this other guy just showing up!

Soooo tonight I cooked a meal for a bunch of wonderful ladies, drank a tonne of wine and then painted a tree with cherry blossoms onto a canvas, to top off that macho display, I then ordered tickets to a musical and I am now settling in to watch the Ratchette, to put it mildly screw your hetero-norm stereotypes I am full. 

We return to the cocktail party with Kaitlyn (K) going to confront Clint, she is walking with a huge glass of wine and does not look 100% sober, as they sit down she has the 'drunk person long stare', that look where the person is trying so hard to focus that they have to look through the back of your head to focus. K tells Clint that they keep taking steps backwards. Clint then tells K that none of the guys would say a bad word about him...bold move. K tells Clint that she does not trust him and that she is done with him. She brings Clint back in to say goodbye to the guys; JJ demands an apology from Clint "I think you should say sorry to all of us right now - because you are taking time and emotions...there is an emotional energy that you are taking away." The Bromance takes a hit, with Clint calling JJ "a piece of [bleep]" Clint is having the reaction of a man who just got broken up with...but it is not re K (Just saying). 

JJ is unable to complete his confessional because he begins crying too hard. The other guys are making joke after joke about JJ and Clint's break up (of course a Brokeback Mountain joke was made [it was funny even if it made me cringe]) and Ian tells JJ he is despicable. 

There is supposed to be a rose ceremony, but as Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) shows up to let them know that this time is supposed to be rose ceremony time K pulls him aside to talk. JJ starts crying when K says there is no rose ceremony so everyone gets to stay, the room however acts as if a skunk just popped up. OMCH lets the room know they are all leaving the mansion forever (guess the short term rental is done) and heading to NYC. 

We get the B-roll footage of the guys walking around New York and yelling the city's name, plus an in show ad for the newly reopened Knickerbocker hotel. K is shown on a boat and a forced pun "hopefully this week is just smooth sailing." 

Group Date
The guys get to meet Doug E Fresh (everyone has to make money) which means there will be terrible rapping by the guys - no shots at Doug E. but he is not going to turn these guys into solid gold in the course of an episode. The guys are going to do a rap battle. 
Doug E tells the guys basic info that would go with any performance, I know I am going to cringe when these guys perform. As the crowd for the battle is shown we see Nick (he of the "Why did you have sex with me Andi?" fame) hanging out...sure just a coincidence. The battles are as terrible as you would expect,
 JJ gets booed because he called NYC girls 'Hoes', know your audience homie. Ashley from Chris' season is also in the audience and when going to see her K spots Nick and reacts like a girl with a crush. 

Nick tells K that he wants to join her season, seriously these guys do not work at all do they? No one with a regular job could just casually choose to join a show or not join a show like this. You cannot just call your boss and say "hey I might be gone for 2 months or I might be back on Monday, I will let you know soon." K now has to make a decision re Nick, she appears to struggle with it. She tells the guys during the evening portion of the date that she wants to bring Nick into the house and wants their input a bunch of guys who are worried about pissing off the girl they are trying to woo are truly going to tell her their feelings? Some might, but the majority are going to bite their tongues. 

The guys understandably are not happy, to me K is coming off badly here, (though in real life if you are dating around you can choose whomever you want in your world) because Nick just seemed like such a tool after Andi's season. K goes to meet Nick on the dock and they kiss (Kiss count ONE) seems rather sudden and makes methink their online conversations were alot more flirty than just "hey you seem cool." 
K tells Nick she needs to sleep on the decision. Justin gets the group date rose, there is not really a good reason for this, I guess he was the best rapper? image

I really want to point out K is a TERRIBLE rapper, someone somewhere once told her she can rap, that person should be smacked! But because K is cute and spunky she probably gets away with 'rapping' around guys all the time so she now thinks she herself is a rapper...SHE IS NOT. 

We get K and Nick talking on the phone while the show lets us know that it is snowing in NYC - Why on earth did they pick this location? Seriously I have been saying this the last few season but I have to keep asking: Have they cut the production budget on this show? K tells us that she needs to talk to someone so she goes to get her hair done and lo and behold the stylist is 'crazy' Ashley S from last season...was she listed as a hair dresser on her season? Am I going to ask a question in every paragraph of this blog? 

Does the Bachelor/ette franchise constantly hook its peeps up with jobs throughout the season, is a former Bachelor guy handling the catering while another drives the limos? K meets up with Nick and he continues to schmooze her. K says she has to be selfish and not care if she makes the other guys angry thus she would regret letting Nick go, so she brings him onto the show, I like that she has completely killed my crush on her in only a few episodes, no need to keep that lingering. 

Jared gets the one on one date and its at the Met (it's also raining a tonne, seriously why this location?). The show sneaks in a Neil Lane ad "I am in this beautiful gown with these beautiful Neil Lane jewels. K admits to us (not Jared) that she is distracted with thoughts of of course she asks Jared about the feeling in the house about Nick. I keep staring at how patchy Jared's beard is, it is so bad that I think it has to be deliberate. Annnnnd Jared wrote K a poem, I hate that every season some terrible poem has to be read on a date! Look peeps you do not have to write terrible poetry to just get your point across - it leads to kisses (TWO) and the date rose. 

BUT, while the location budget might have been curtailed the helicopter budget is still alive and kicking, Jared and K take a tour of the city.
 What is this; a glimpse at Britt and Brady? (or just a cheap ploy by me to sneak another question in?) 

K tells the guys that she has decided to bring in Nick, then notes that she does not like the energy in the room - what did she expect high fives? Half these guys would happily murder Nick! 

Group Date
K takes the guys to do a musical, she claims that she is obsessed with the Aladdin musical then lets us know that what she really loves is the movie, the show just made her pretend that she loves the musical - okay she doesn't explicitly say it, but it is obvious from her words. The guys have to run through their paces and then the usual bomb is dropped only the guy that is picked gets to remain with K for the rest of the date, the other guys have to go back to the hotel.
 For some of the guys my closed caption lists them as "Off Key" during the singing auditions, 
I love turning on the CC during this show, whomever does them for this show can be pretty snarky. Chris wins the date - he will NOT be Aladdin. 

Chris states that peeps pay a lot of money to come to the show to see Aladdin, (it is important to point out that he and K will only be a tiny portion of the real show, no one would ever pay to see him do a full show) but he and K are acting as if they really are going to wow an audience. Tonnes of kisses (THREE) After all of that buildup K and Chris basically just stand in a corner of the stage, have another actor lead them around for directions for about 10 paces and then get 'featured' by an actor with a speaking role pointing at basically NOTHING. 

Back to the hotel and the guys are sitting around wondering and talking about Nick, we see Nick walking around NYC dragging a bag that could not possibly hold all his stuff. Nick gets to the hotel and enters the elevator with heavy breathing (guess he thought it was another night with Andi) and (as E pointed out to me in a text) of course we do not get another bloody rose ceremony! 

We get our Britt and Brady update, she says she is proud to call him her boyfriend, they talk like they are both in a Disney series...oh wait the Mouse does own ABC!!!

Can we take a quick moment and point out how lame the pretense that Nick just happened to be there at the rap battle is? He just happens to be in the audience, but he also just wants to make sure he got to meet Kaitlyn, but he somehow knows exactly where they were filming? It's just too convenient and it insults our intelligence...though the longer I watch this show I wonder if I can still claim intelligence!

Tuesday, June 02, 2015

Bachelorette recap or "We've grown very close -- almost too close, I think, at times, in the room and stuff like that, in the shower," - 2 guys

Black Matt invited me to go grab a drink tonight, but put in this line in the message "I do not want to interrupt your blogging" - what has my life come to that an invitation for drinks with a friend comes with them thinking I cannot leave my house on a Monday night?

"An all new dramatic episode of the Bachelorette begins right now" I wonder if Chris Harrison chuckles everytime he records these promos.

We restart with Kupah still going nuts in the continuation from last week. The producers are having a hard time controlling him, he points out that he is the "Black dude that goes home after 3 days"...yeah homie we get it. Kaitlyn (K) goes outside to calm him down, and Kupah switches off the tough guy act are S-A-W-F-T dude! "I honestly don't even like her right now homie" is Kupah's attempt to save face when K leaves him - it does not work. So yup this early in the season we had to get the 'angry black man' syndrome and I cannot even blame this one on the show...who am I kidding sure I can - I am going to pretend that the stresses of this show where Kupah felt like he was just the token led to the extreme reaction because of his looking around and thinking "I really am the token" anyone would react badly to that.

The rest of the cocktail party is cancelled and we go to the rose ceremony with the usual boring fake drama but the final rose goes to Tony, the 'healer' what on earth is happening here? The ceremony was so boring I was trying to find out ways to sync my fitbit with my chromebook...this should not be this bloody hard.

Back to the show, a couple of Sumos (one who is the heaviest Japanese person ever, [per the show]) sneak into the guys' house in the morning and start smashing gongs while screaming in Japanese.

The guys on the group dates are told to put on mawashis the traditional gear and the cultural misappropriation begins in earnest.

 The guys nether regions are all constantly being blurred, I guess if the shows can do their damndest to put the women constantly in bikinis, this counts as fair?

The guys all take their turns against the sumos - Tony enters the ring and warns everyone that they are going to see a fight, his attempts are laughable. But Tony takes it seriously and walks out of the ring pissed off. K goes after him and Tony reasonably (sigh I hate when he does that) points out that every competition so far has had to be about aggression...then goes off on a tangent. K lies to him and tells him that he did not have to do the competition, let's keep it real, if a guy did not do the competition she would not have looked favorably upon him.

JJ then decides to step in and attempt to antagonize Tony, Tony showing more fire than I would have expected from him tells him to get "the [Blurred] away."
By the way for a group date it sure seems like the entire house is involved. Ian attempts to talk Tony off the ledge...trying to so hard to keep another guy in the competition?

K then tells the guys she set up an exhibition for them to show off their newly acquired 'skills'. So the guys roll up on bicycles to the City Walk LA in front of a crowd and Tony does not show up, something K points out (methinks she is not as cool as she pretended to be about it). K gets into a fake match with one of the sumos and of course wins.

The guys go up against each other and Clint a former wrestler easily wins, while taking it all a little too seriously.
Bachelorette sumo wrestling

Cut to the house and Tony is railing again that there is not enough tailored to his likes in the house. Tony has decided to leave but before he does so he wants to explain himself to K so he packs his bags gets in a limo and has it drive him to the evening portion of the group date.

While telling us he is not a quitter, he quits the show...

We see him standing sniffing a flower that he tells K he picked for her. He tells K that "he is easily found" (hint look him up outside of the show) but he is no longer staying on the show.

The rest of the guys get their time with K: JJ and Clint are talking about their respective strategies, JJ says he is going to try to get as much time as he can with K, Clint decides the opposite strategy is the best and he is going to wait for K to seek him out...he does know this is a competition right? K at one point sits down with all the guys, blatantly looks at Clint and he looks away with the "hard to get strategy." Shawn then asks her if he can steal her away and K grasps that lifeline quickly. Shawn's strategy works because he gets the group date rose. Clint in a confessional foolishly points out that K came back for the rose and had the opportunity to talk to him for a couple minutes. Shawn gets the rose and the first kiss. ONE.

K points out to Clint that she felt his attitude to her was a problem. Clint tells us that he is enjoying alot of relationships with the guys "JJ in particular...he is a sweetheart."

Next day we pretend that Chris Harrison (CH) has planned the date and not the Bachelorette's producers, K and Ben Z are both at the mercy of CH. So much of this is ridiculous, I am supposed to believe that CH who has spent less time with the guys than K and the producers, knew which guy was best to pick for a one on one date? For the date CH wants the couple to go into a mystery room find a code and use the code to escape 'The Basement A live Escape Room Experience' - just before entering K tells us that her big fear is birds, so of course as soon as the door opens birds fly out.

But wait, what is this disclaimer at the bottom of my screen? "The animals and insects have been added and are not normally part of this experience" there is a great moment where it actually looks like Ben Z is looking down and reading that text...he is not but it sure looks that way.

Basically it is an enhanced interactive horror house experience, which commands them to kiss (TWO). As they find more and more clues they attempt to figure out the way to escape the room, they have 45 minutes before 'gas is emitted.' One of the rooms has snakes I would have to get gassed because Cali J does not do snakes, no way, no how. They get all the clues together and of course the code is R-O-S-E-S and of course they get it done with the clock counting down to 1 second left!

Evening portion of the date; and Ben tells the story of his mom's death and how he regrets not crying at her death, he claims to not have cried in 11 years...I haven't cried in a longer time it does not make you abnormal (I really hope it does not make you abnormal). Ben gets the rose.

I really am amused by the ads during this show, even with a DVR I catch myself stopping for a few the Purina ad that now looks like they have mind control for older dogs built into their dog food, or CH auditioning for the movie Spy!

Group date #2:
The guys go to school and they are going to teach a group of child actors about sex ed, would parents really sign off on this show teaching their kids about reproduction and puberty? How can the guys not see that this has to be rigged? K says "Sex and physical chemistry with somebody is a huge part of a relationship" so why not have your partner talk to little kids about it?

Cut to the house - and the Clint and JJ bromance is blossoming, they sit on the couch holding hands in wrestling moves with JJ's shorts blurred, and they apparently shower together.

Back to the classroom and the guys are stuttering as the kids pepper them with questions - how can the guys not get that these kids are fake? K eventually admits what we all already knew, the kids are child actors.

Night portion:
Ben H gets a kiss and then increases the cheesy factor by dipping K. (THREE)

Cut to the house and Clint is letting us know that he has fallen for JJ more than K (The promos for tonight would have you believe it was a gay relationship) but when Clint says he has fallen in love with a man you can see him fighting the smirk. Yes it is an extremely close relationship for 2 straight men to have, but it is not a close enough relationship for 2 gay men to have, it is just a bromance!

Back to the date and Jared gets a kiss by pointing out that he got beaten up in a boxing ring last week. (FOUR)
Ben H gets the rose, Jared looks like someone just punched him in the head again.

Cocktail party time:
The guys who didn't have dates think they will have a shot at going for K first...Suckers! As soon as she walks in Clint immediately takes her aside, but he is doing this so that he can remain in the house - to spend more time with JJ. Clint gets a kiss (FIVE) but tells us that he did it all for JJ, who he immediately goes and compliments. He and JJ start to compare notes on K while watching her kiss Justin (SIX). "Villains gotta vill" is now Clint's catch phrase.

JJ carries on a running narrative in the confessional about how much he is running the show while we get clips of all the other guys telling K how bad JJ and Clint have been to her. Clint keeps expressing confidence to all the guys while the guys have been telling K that he is a snake...and we are going to be continued.

The blooper reel features everyone commenting on one of Joe's testicles hanging outside of the mawashi all day.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.