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Friday, June 12, 2015

Bachelorette recap or Seriously we are going to pretend that this is not a set up with this other guy just showing up!

Soooo tonight I cooked a meal for a bunch of wonderful ladies, drank a tonne of wine and then painted a tree with cherry blossoms onto a canvas, to top off that macho display, I then ordered tickets to a musical and I am now settling in to watch the Ratchette, to put it mildly screw your hetero-norm stereotypes and...wow I am full. 

We return to the cocktail party with Kaitlyn (K) going to confront Clint, she is walking with a huge glass of wine and does not look 100% sober, as they sit down she has the 'drunk person long stare', that look where the person is trying so hard to focus that they have to look through the back of your head to focus. K tells Clint that they keep taking steps backwards. Clint then tells K that none of the guys would say a bad word about him...bold move. K tells Clint that she does not trust him and that she is done with him. She brings Clint back in to say goodbye to the guys; JJ demands an apology from Clint "I think you should say sorry to all of us right now - because you are taking time and emotions...there is an emotional energy that you are taking away." The Bromance takes a hit, with Clint calling JJ "a piece of [bleep]" Clint is having the reaction of a man who just got broken up with...but it is not re K (Just saying). 

JJ is unable to complete his confessional because he begins crying too hard. The other guys are making joke after joke about JJ and Clint's break up (of course a Brokeback Mountain joke was made [it was funny even if it made me cringe]) and Ian tells JJ he is despicable. 

There is supposed to be a rose ceremony, but as Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) shows up to let them know that this time is supposed to be rose ceremony time K pulls him aside to talk. JJ starts crying when K says there is no rose ceremony so everyone gets to stay, the room however acts as if a skunk just popped up. OMCH lets the room know they are all leaving the mansion forever (guess the short term rental is done) and heading to NYC. 

We get the B-roll footage of the guys walking around New York and yelling the city's name, plus an in show ad for the newly reopened Knickerbocker hotel. K is shown on a boat and a forced pun "hopefully this week is just smooth sailing." 

Group Date
The guys get to meet Doug E Fresh (everyone has to make money) which means there will be terrible rapping by the guys - no shots at Doug E. but he is not going to turn these guys into solid gold in the course of an episode. The guys are going to do a rap battle. 
Doug E tells the guys basic info that would go with any performance, I know I am going to cringe when these guys perform. As the crowd for the battle is shown we see Nick (he of the "Why did you have sex with me Andi?" fame) hanging out...sure just a coincidence. The battles are as terrible as you would expect,
 JJ gets booed because he called NYC girls 'Hoes', know your audience homie. Ashley from Chris' season is also in the audience and when going to see her K spots Nick and reacts like a girl with a crush. 

Nick tells K that he wants to join her season, seriously these guys do not work at all do they? No one with a regular job could just casually choose to join a show or not join a show like this. You cannot just call your boss and say "hey I might be gone for 2 months or I might be back on Monday, I will let you know soon." K now has to make a decision re Nick, she appears to struggle with it. She tells the guys during the evening portion of the date that she wants to bring Nick into the house and wants their input
...like a bunch of guys who are worried about pissing off the girl they are trying to woo are truly going to tell her their feelings? Some might, but the majority are going to bite their tongues. 

The guys understandably are not happy, to me K is coming off badly here, (though in real life if you are dating around you can choose whomever you want in your world) because Nick just seemed like such a tool after Andi's season. K goes to meet Nick on the dock and they kiss (Kiss count ONE) seems rather sudden and makes methink their online conversations were alot more flirty than just "hey you seem cool." 
K tells Nick she needs to sleep on the decision. Justin gets the group date rose, there is not really a good reason for this, I guess he was the best rapper? image

I really want to point out K is a TERRIBLE rapper, someone somewhere once told her she can rap, that person should be smacked! But because K is cute and spunky she probably gets away with 'rapping' around guys all the time so she now thinks she herself is a rapper...SHE IS NOT. 

We get K and Nick talking on the phone while the show lets us know that it is snowing in NYC - Why on earth did they pick this location? Seriously I have been saying this the last few season but I have to keep asking: Have they cut the production budget on this show? K tells us that she needs to talk to someone so she goes to get her hair done and lo and behold the stylist is 'crazy' Ashley S from last season...was she listed as a hair dresser on her season? Am I going to ask a question in every paragraph of this blog? 

Does the Bachelor/ette franchise constantly hook its peeps up with jobs throughout the season, is a former Bachelor guy handling the catering while another drives the limos? K meets up with Nick and he continues to schmooze her. K says she has to be selfish and not care if she makes the other guys angry thus she would regret letting Nick go, so she brings him onto the show, I like that she has completely killed my crush on her in only a few episodes, no need to keep that lingering. 

Jared gets the one on one date and its at the Met (it's also raining a tonne, seriously why this location?). The show sneaks in a Neil Lane ad "I am in this beautiful gown with these beautiful Neil Lane jewels. K admits to us (not Jared) that she is distracted with thoughts of Nick...so of course she asks Jared about the feeling in the house about Nick. I keep staring at how patchy Jared's beard is, it is so bad that I think it has to be deliberate. Annnnnd Jared wrote K a poem, I hate that every season some terrible poem has to be read on a date! Look peeps you do not have to write terrible poetry to just get your point across - it leads to kisses (TWO) and the date rose. 

BUT, while the location budget might have been curtailed the helicopter budget is still alive and kicking, Jared and K take a tour of the city.
 What is this; a glimpse at Britt and Brady? (or just a cheap ploy by me to sneak another question in?) 

K tells the guys that she has decided to bring in Nick, then notes that she does not like the energy in the room - what did she expect high fives? Half these guys would happily murder Nick! 

Group Date
K takes the guys to do a musical, she claims that she is obsessed with the Aladdin musical then lets us know that what she really loves is the movie, the show just made her pretend that she loves the musical - okay she doesn't explicitly say it, but it is obvious from her words. The guys have to run through their paces and then the usual bomb is dropped only the guy that is picked gets to remain with K for the rest of the date, the other guys have to go back to the hotel.
 For some of the guys my closed caption lists them as "Off Key" during the singing auditions, 
I love turning on the CC during this show, whomever does them for this show can be pretty snarky. Chris wins the date - he will NOT be Aladdin. 

Chris states that peeps pay a lot of money to come to the show to see Aladdin, (it is important to point out that he and K will only be a tiny portion of the real show, no one would ever pay to see him do a full show) but he and K are acting as if they really are going to wow an audience. Tonnes of kisses (THREE) After all of that buildup K and Chris basically just stand in a corner of the stage, have another actor lead them around for directions for about 10 paces and then get 'featured' by an actor with a speaking role pointing at them...so basically NOTHING. 

Back to the hotel and the guys are sitting around wondering and talking about Nick, we see Nick walking around NYC dragging a bag that could not possibly hold all his stuff. Nick gets to the hotel and enters the elevator with heavy breathing (guess he thought it was another night with Andi) and (as E pointed out to me in a text) of course we do not get another bloody rose ceremony! 

We get our Britt and Brady update, she says she is proud to call him her boyfriend, they talk like they are both in a Disney series...oh wait the Mouse does own ABC!!!

Can we take a quick moment and point out how lame the pretense that Nick just happened to be there at the rap battle is? He just happens to be in the audience, but he also just wants to make sure he got to meet Kaitlyn, but he somehow knows exactly where they were filming? It's just too convenient and it insults our intelligence...though the longer I watch this show I wonder if I can still claim intelligence!

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.