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Sunday, June 21, 2015

Bachelorette recap or did you really graduate from Princeton?

R.I.P. Dusty Rhodes this is truly 'Hard Times' "My belly is just a little big, my hiney is just a little big, but brother I'm BAD!" Yessir.

On to the ratchet! We restart with Nick entering the elevator to go to the suite with the rest of the guys. He walks into the room with a grin and faces all the guys who were clearly staged on one side of the room since Nick gets to sit on a completely empty huge couch.

One of the guys asks the question we all want to know "are you just chasing your 16th minute of fame." The hostility towards Nick is palpable.
Even after all of this...there is going to be a cocktail party and it is going to be at Citi Field (cool location) but the thing that I notice most is - Nick has a suit, last week you will remember my pointedly noting Nick's luggage or lack thereof: where did he get the Suit? It was not in his bag! So much fakeness! Citi Field has not been the sight of many victories so I guess it makes sense to have a bunch of losers there!

Many of the guys struggle around Kaitlyn (K) to not say the wrong thing when it comes to calling her out about bringing Nick back. Shawn basically calls her stupid.

The rose ceremony is held on the infield with K standing on the pitchers mound, very few home runs here (yes I am trying to make bad puns, it is the nature of this show). Many of the guys appear to be shaking but I do not think its solely nervousness I think they are actually freezing, K is bundled up but many of these guys are simply in jackets and dress shirts. Obvious Man Chris Harrison shows up to let us know one rose is left and he is clearly freezing he could not leave that mound fast enough and starts putting his hands back in his pocket before he even walks off. Nick gets the final rose and many of the guys look ready to punch him directly in the face.

K tells the guys that they are getting out of the cold and going "to somewhere that I have always wanted to go, San Antonio Texas." Look I went to school in Texas, I LOVE TEXAS, but come on, no way the Canadian girl had it on her bucket list.

Ben H gets the One on One date:
They drive off in a retro truck - And go to take a Two Step lesson at Texas' oldest dance hall, ah I miss Texas. Ben apparently has 2 left feet. They then join a 2 step competition. And we get a lot of 2 step competitors (and maybe the world's oldest 2 stepper) telling us some trite phrases about dancing and love. K and Ben of course get smoked but he still gets the episode's first kiss (ONE). The evening portion of this date was so boring I fell into reading Dusty Rhodes tributes, he would never have made it on to a show like this because of his look, but damn he would have been fun as a member of this type of cast.

Group Date:
There is a mariachi band right off the bat so of course we know the guys are going to be playing Mariachi - Cultural appropriation continues! The guys have to write Mariachi lyrics and are being coached by a pre-teen. Ian is very cocky and acts as if he has this in the bag. The guys are dressed as mariachis and will be preforming infront of a gathered crowd. JJ can play the guitar, however he cannot sing. Jared references the Frito Bandito (SIGH - see cultural appropriation). Joe is terribly off key but steals a kiss (TWO). Ian comes across as bad as those American idol singers who at the start of auditions tells you they are going to kill it, that all their friends think they are the best they have ever heard and then squeak out a terrible rendition of a popular song.

 Nick instead of performing in the plaza takes K up to a balcony and thus all the guys had to look up to him (literally) and this did not help his standing in the group, he steals a kiss before returning K to the group. (THREE).
Evening portion:
Joshua allows K to cut his hair as an exercise in trust, that explains why his hair cut seemed so bad in the interviews and the previews - all the guys laugh at him when he returns to the group and he didn't even get a kiss. On Nick's one and one date with K, he spends much of the time kissing her while the guys in the room talk about him. Nick pulls his lips off K long enough for her to question him about his feelings regarding the other guys, he plays coy. Joshua launches into Nick as soon as he gets back, I agree with JJ (hate those words) that the hair cut is part of what has pushed Joshua to the edge. Nick claims that he is happy that he did not win his season, he has rehearsed his statement well.

Josh goes back to meet with K, and I then realize they are filming in a church. WHY Bach/ette productions must you constantly desecrate 'holy' grounds? Methinks these grounds are rented out to the show with the owners of the churches/monasteries etc having either A. no idea what the show is about B. or no belief that the show would ever actually film anything but establishing shots in these areas. I just cannot imagine my dad ever allowing this to happen in our church, in fact I would see him storming onto the set like Jesus driving the money changers out of the temple.

Josh tells K that Nick is constantly talking about his season with Andi "his absolute love for Andi." I guess Josh was telling the truth when he said he didn't watch previous seasons, it is rarely a good move to snitch to the person giving out the roses. Josh suddenly realizes midway that he probably should not have told any of this to K and the color is draining from his face. When Josh goes back to the guys he pretends that he was in an interview for the whole time he was missing, not realizing that the guys all know he was with K. He is shortly followed by K who asks him in front of all the guys if they are all being honest with her, they say they are, Joshua then stammers in front of her and looks to the other guys for back up; they smartly do not. The guys then turn it around on him and point out to him that he lied to them about being in an interview. Granted, K sold him out especially the way she posed the question to the group and to Joshua (no one wants to be called a liar) but Joshua, you had to know you were setting yourself up for failure - the whole plan backfired on him and Nick ends up getting the group rose, leaving him with a very smug smile.

One on One:
Shawn meets K and gets an immediate kiss (FOUR) and they go kayaking, fairly boring date. But he shares some drama that happened to him, he was in a bad car accident. If I were ever on this show I would have so many stories like this, I basically have my narrative already laid out...the kid who should have died 3 times! Shawn tells her he is falling in love with her and K whispers "I'm feeling the same way" uhmm this seems way too soon. Shawn's nickname on Grantland is Ryan Schnozling because he looks like Ryan Gosling with a huge nose - I think that is what is pulling K in, she probably watched 'The Notebook' a dozen times.

We cut back to Ian who is morose in the hotel room because he is the "Princeton graduate, former model, who defied death a couple times" he tells Nick that he thinks he would be a great bachelor, weird to tell your competition that you have no interest in the girl you are competing for.

He says he is going to tell K all of this at the next rose ceremony, but looking at my DVR clock I am not hopeful that we will get through this without a "to be continued." I heard a theory that because guys keep leaving the show at a pace the producers did not like they have had to stretch the show out a bit more than normal.

Cocktail Party:
Ian "Kaitlyn wants to hear the truth, but I don't think Kaitlyn can handle the truth, she is not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend." Jared gets time with K and she takes him to her room he gets a kiss (FIVE). Ian "against all of my logic, K does not want someone like me, and it is making me look bad...if one of these lames is better than me, then just pick one of these lames." No Ian, K not picking you is not what is making you look bad.

The guys then get to see K kissing Joe (SIX) with Ian telling us in a voice over "I don't find K interesting, she seems to be here to just make out with a lot of people" he then tells us that he has sex with a lot of people, way to boast buddy - You are a credit to Princeton! Ian gets his time with K and goes in on her, he tells her that he questions her intentions and of course we get the "to be continued"

So riddle me this Ian, you are on national TV boasting that you have sex with a lot of women (classy) but a girl kissing a bunch of suitors is bad? Apparently Princeton may give you a great education on paper but like the old phrase says "Common sense is not common." And someone somewhere should have taught you this simple lesson, do not be a condescending misogynistic dick! 

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.