Infrequently updated consistently funny

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

They see me rolling…

So a friend of mine (G-dub) has called me a masochist for what I am doing right now (which is hanging out with my ex) and sadly I may have to agree with her. What would make me think that the woman, who hated me so much that she took a $300 loss on a ticket rather than come see me, would be happy to see me now?

I must have been drinking when I thought that it would be a good plan to kick it in a 1 bedroom appt with someone who actually cares enough that they will wake up in the morning for class, and hence has no time to entertain the likes of slackers like myself.

I seriously contemplated getting A. A rental car and high-tailing it back to the ATX or B. Getting a hotel room either in SA or the ATX. However, I couldn’t do it because I respect her way too much…I just wish I felt like I was respected the same. By the way do not get it twisted, just because we are in a 1 bedroom appt does not mean that we are sharing a bed, I sadly know so little about her life that I do not even know if some other dude has a claim to that spot and sharing a bed is not the type of relationship that we have.

Just like old times huh…never fear pervs who are waiting: I will be getting a tonne of pics later 2nite at Fat Tuesday, debating whether I will post them or just email them to y’all!

Monday, February 27, 2006

No matter how bad I think it is

There is always something that can uplift me...An amazing story!

Sleeping near is much diff from sleeping in

Cot damn…I can’t sleep and now I want a bloody rental car…could the vibe be worse? I guess if it was like my last trip to Texas. I know what I did wrong in the past; question is what have I done wrong in the present?

Or maybe it’s just the copious amounts of allergy medication mixed in with Alcohol making me depressed. (In the last 3 days I have tried 4 different brands of Allergy medication) Thing is I forgot that I had been taken off allegra for having what appeared to be mood swings while on it (didn’t know allergy meds could do that – but heck I am a bit weird so who knows). When peeps will not let me have a bed, the rum has always been there for me, that plus the ice cream and I think I can manage the world.

Do not judge me – we all have our demons I am just open about mine…3 main vices and sadly I am with all 3 right now!

Sunday, February 26, 2006

A Picture Share!

Almost six am I cannot sleep so here is a mobile blog for the fun of it. Cannot use the pix of girls kissing, because they are my friends.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

A Picture Share!

My sentiments

Austin would be paradise...

…Except for the fact that I am allergic to it…I had not been here an hour before I started developing a scratchy throat; runny nose and itchy eyes, bloody hay/cedar fever! I had forgotten how bad it can be out here. My sorrow in missing the ATX somehow managed to bury the pain I used to feel living here. I remember weeks on end passing with me only having a vague idea of time passing I was so high on allergy medication. The week I blew out my knee, between the pain medication and the allergy pills I was lucky to remember my name…I think I started drooling on the pillow when I came to Austin – I never did that growing up…”I don’t like the drugs but the drugs like me”

MUCH LOVE TO THE PRINCESS of the ATX for putting me up and throwing a dinner party to welcome me in. And I appreciate y’all trying to make me feel welcome by rolling over and taking that ass kicking from me in dominoes. I love kicking it here on the 3rd coast but y’all just cannot hang with my west coast domino skills. If the billiards playing out here is like the dominoes I am going to wreck shop 2nite. On a serious note the food was great and the company was awesome…sorry for the trash talking (I am not a nice person – but I love y’all).

To my readers who are not from the ATX , Z has been threatening me with an ass kicking in billiards for so long that now I am afraid to sleep at night – in fact she threatened me in front of everyone to sleep with one eye open: Of course now that I am blinded with allergies and hopped up on Benadryl she might have a chance. Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt

Later today I have to go shopping for Texas gear: I followed the PCU rule as pointed out by soon to be ex-wife #1 that “you can’t wear the shirt of the band that you are going to see” so as such I have not brought any Texas gear with me (well except for the Technomarine – I can’t go a week without something burnt orange) in the hope that I will obtain a tonne of new Texas apparel…can I get on the plane with a shotty?

So I am sitting here in the ATX public library, because I wanted to look up my gym’s locations in town, as well as peruse Texas stuff online. I lived in the ATX for a long time and never set foot in the public library and now the first day I am back I register as a library user?

Espn's cool new gadget the Trade Machine!

I wanted to see if there was anyway that "my" San Antonio Spurs could get Kevin Garnet...and according to it worked, I used the Knicks as the sucker 3rd team cause lets be honest right now everyone thinks the Knicks are trade bait.
Below are my results cut and pasted in.

This Trade Succeeded! Go back to adjust your trade or start over.
Minnesota Timberwolves

Incoming Players
Jamal Crawford
Salary: $6,480,000 Years Remaining: 5
PTS: 13.9 REB: 3.3 AST: 4.0 PER: 14.49

Rasho Nesterovic
Salary: $6,720,000 Years Remaining: 2
PTS: 5.3 REB: 4.3 AST: 0.4 PER: 11.58

Brent Barry
Salary: $4,691,390 Years Remaining: 2
PTS: 4.6 REB: 1.7 AST: 1.2 PER: 11.07

Outgoing Players: Eddie Griffin, Kevin Garnett

New York Knicks

Incoming Players
Nazr Mohammed
Salary: $5,500,000 Years Remaining: 0
PTS: 5.3 REB: 4.7 AST: 0.4 PER: 14.65

Outgoing Players: Jamal Crawford
San Antonio Spurs

Incoming Players
Eddie Griffin
Salary: $2,500,000 Years Remaining: 2
PTS: 5.1 REB: 6.0 AST: 0.6 PER: 13.53

Kevin Garnett
Salary: $18,000,000 Years Remaining: 3
PTS: 21.6 REB: 11.9 AST: 4.3 PER: 26.63

Outgoing Players: Nazr Mohammed, Rasho Nesterovic, Brent Barry"

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

I should have packed already!

You gotta love my complex, I have to fly out later today and I cannot get into my garage to get my luggage! Oh well if I can’t get in later in the morning it just means that I get to kick in a door.

I should have already been packed

You gotta love my complex, I have to fly out later today and I cannot get into my garage to get my luggage! Oh well if I can’t get in later in the morning it just means that I get to kick in a door.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The olympics are heating up


"Charlie the wise" now speaks to the nation

So I have a class that is amazing and by amazing I truly mean – the world is not ready for this but I am too lazy to use my own words so I have decided (with permission to directly quote a classmate of mine

“I hate my prof. This lady is so over educated that i think I have more work expirience than she does. I really want to pull out my hair, dunk myself in hot tar, take a sianide pill, take a roofy, take a walk off a cliff. I mean I am a very happy person and godammit this shit is so bad I want to  end it now and pray for a god that will understand, he/she will be like "yes I fucked up so bad when I created my (employment law prof) that not only is your suicide justified, but i commend you for it" because this lady is that fucking brutal. I have been around down sydrome kids with bettter presence and more refined public speaking skills and that is not a joke, seriously I have, this lady sucks.”

One day to Cali-J arriving in Texas!

So the Cali-J is returning to the ATX 2morrow where he used to be plain old “Diggity Dogg” aka “The Jamaican” (back in the day I had more aliases than dollars in the bank). Sadly however I have not done any packing, in fact I have not even done my laundry yet. I LOVE flying (love turbulence – makes you feel so alive once you come through them [which is y it’s a bit weird that I hate roller coasters]) I just hate the crap that goes on around the trip – sadly rather than do some parts of laundry I have purchased new clothing – all new undershirts, underwear (boxer briefs for the ones who must know) new socks; black (dress) and white (athletic); in fact because I do not want to search for my (skinny) belt I will just purchase a new one tomorrow. Even my handkerchiefs are new, though mysteriously I have already lost the damn package.

I may just purchase all new dress shirts 2morrow rather than laundering the ones that I possess. Bloody trip is costing me more than just the cost of a ticket…I just hate packing, in fact I am willing to pay someone to do my packing for me: I miss the good old days of just throwing all sorts of random crap in a suitcase because I knew my mom would wash it for me on arrival in the isle – now that I am a grown man I refuse to travel with dirty clothes.

So I was asked if I am excited about the trip – I am sure I will be eventually but right now there is a combination of laziness (packing) apprehension that the princess of the ATX might beat me in pool (can I live after that) and wondering if I should travel with my green card.

Seriously if I lose to Z in pool I might not return to SD, so if I have to drop out of law school this is all on your head Z…you hear me PRESS THIS ON YOUR CONSCIENCE!

Monday, February 20, 2006

Is that you?

So I am a bit mad that they are improving push up bras: It is already damn hard to tell what is going on under that blouse and now they have scientifically improved them? It is just not fair to the consumer!

They should announce every game!

The NBA dunk competition was off the chain…but even better than the dunk competition may have been the commentating by the holy trinity of basketball commentators: Charles Barkley, Kenny “The Jet” Smith and Magic Johnson, no one beats those 3 in terms of sheer comedy (sadly for Magic much of his is unintentional) I love the fact that Barkley just does not care who he rags on. I mentioned to my boy R at dinner that if Barkley had ever won a championship we might never have heard the end of it.

I love Barkley’s comment re Nate Robinson (eventual winner) re disappointment at failed dunks “luckily he plays for the Knicks so he is used to disappointment” Also their comment earlier about the Knicks possibly not even being able to win the NCAA tourney had me rolling.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Crazy things...

Shocking things have happened this weekend, and I am not just talking about my car passing its smog test. Click on this link - a black man has won solo gold!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Please Mr. Cheney do not point that at me...

Ok so I have held off on making fun of the whole Cheney is a “psychopathic killer” with a gun; I refrained from saying “He is surgical with that shit”; an assassin; “wrong wigger to mess with” etc but the Sand Assassin sent me the shot chart with what Cheney did to that dude and I gotta say: DAMN the VP is a “STONE COLD KILLAH” Could he have pumped his homey with more birdshot? Possibly, if he had stood over him and unloaded another round other than that nope: Click on the links above to see how much Cheney unloaded on his hunting “partner”
Since he didn’t have the relevant stamp: Does this mean that he was hunting illegally? And if the guy dies as a result of this illegal hunting – what then?

My ode to Valentines Day…

YOU SUCK…no I am not jaded in fact most years I try to avoid having a significant other around this time of the year (this year I have no choice). But I truly hate what this (fake) holiday does to people especially the weak minded. The day and its commercial backers try to push the value of a relationship and the need to give gifts (cleverly disguised as expressions of love) to those who we care about it…I say a plague on you Hallmark and all your ilk.

I had thought of throwing a Valentines day Bar Review for us all to get together; singles and couples to have fun on the day and then I thought better of it because it felt like I would be promoting the day (plus I am lazy, planning one bar review a week is enough for me) that I despise.

If you enjoy the one you are with then show them that love year around; oh and screw that whole “It’s just a day to take time out and show them extra attention etc” NO! Because if you have been treating your significant other right the whole year around, you do not need to lavish them with extra attention on a random day, that’s what their Birthday, your anniversary and Christmas are for (or you could be like me and never know when your anniversary is, so that you have to be nice for the whole damn month that you think your anniversary is – no dear I did not give you those gifts out of guilt – just a sense of obligation j/k).

So here is what I think, as soon as the object of your affection walks by today, just give them a good smack on the rump, hell give it a good squeeze, after all what better way is there to say I love you than physical aggression on the derriere.

Check out my latest articles in Motions!

Can’t end a rant on Valentines day w/o a quote from my new visual obsession “Flavor of Love” from VH1... “It’s hard to watch the one you love with another woman…and a big girl at that…Don’t mess with the N.Y. cause I will cut you! (slashing motion)”

Monday, February 13, 2006

Oh to be a kid again

So since my game with the ladies has basically reverted to grade school (I just want to pull hair and spank them...sorry got carried away for a sec) skill level. I had a Saturday morning cartoons fest. I vegged on the couch ate cereal (Cinnamon Toast crunch [cant beat that flavor] and Honey Bunches of Oats [I’m old – need fiber]) then watched “The Batman”, “TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the Un-hip)” and “GI Joe – Sigma 6”. I know I am getting old when I start to wonder if there is too much violence in the TMNT, but damn it’s still fun to watch. GI Joe is not as fun as I remember it; their new format is just not fun, great animation but horrible plot lines…really was hoping I would catch an episode of Transformers but alas that was not to be.

I miss Voltron, Go-bots, Mask and He-Man. Plus I would love to see some old school Captain Planet (even though as a child I hated that Cartoon – now I have fond memories of it after all what is better than “LET OUR POWERS COMBINE”) though the kid that got stuck with “heart” as a power truly got punked by the creators.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

"Dont cha wanna be jus' like mi"

So Now that I have booked my flight to the ATX all I can think of is getting the hell out of dodge. Guess the fact that every single young lady I want cannot be with me right now...this is putting a severe cramp in the marriage plans.

Keys to living the Cali-J life, drink vodka and rum for much of the night, take a sleeping pill and then not fall asleep for the next 3 hours. I would have expected that, that drug stew would have put me out by now, instead I am debating if I can ride my bike to the gym right now...since clearly I can't drive there.

Damn it girl, I WANT YOU!

Friday, February 10, 2006

Are the Grammy’s even relevant any more?

MC or you might know her as Mariah Carey won 3 Grammys last night…normally a good haul for anyone but a crappy night for her when you think about the fact that Kelly Clarkson won TWO and by winning those two she beat MC in each category. Come on now Kelly Clarkson over Mariah? U2 winning album of the year? It was a decent album, but nothing great
I do not watch the Grammys in fact for much of last night I didn’t even know/care that it was on. I just tend to check the stats afterwards since and other sites splash it all over their front pages, but damn I look at some of the winners and just have to stare in shock.

     I believe that there is a disconnect between the regular fan and the academy that votes for winners. Now I do not believe that just because your album was a huge seller it makes you automatically a good album, in fact I was disappointed to see Gwen Steffani even in the running for album of the year. But some of the bands that are pulling down wins are just ridiculous. It also sometimes seems like a band is honored just for making it through another year and thus given a grammy

Hahaha Kanye West is so damn cocky, you just gotta be amused!


Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Thieving beeyotches

So I bashed the school re the lack of internet yesterday…now sadly I am pissed at our students. WHAT THE HELL IS WITH ALL THE THEFTS? You stinking bastards we all go to school together and we all know the high cost of living here, the cost of books, laptops etc. Now I am not na├»ve enough to say that if I leave my computer on a bench outside the law school I expect it to remain there for an hour, but cot damn I am hearing stories of things being taken from desks within the law school etc. A friend of mine had her wallet taken from her while she went to the restroom in the library; my neighbor had her wireless card stolen while she went upstairs in the law school and came right back down, what the hell is this? You thieving bastards should have a hand removed…must we live in such a state of apprehension that to now go to the restroom I have to take my entire backpack with me? DIE SLOW!

Just another example of why I think Michael Jordan is the greatest ever: Quote of the Day"If I had to pick the best player in the game, he certainly is up there right now in the way that he approaches the game. . . . Anybody can go out and take a lot of shots and end up with 81 points, but if you lose, who cares? He was in a great rhythm and went out and played well. So you have to commend him for that. [But] if I were on the other side, there would be no way I would have been able to be in that game without six fouls."
I love that attitude and it is what I believe, you can’t let someone go off for 81 on you and not try to take him out.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Bloody wireless!!!!

Cot damn – the wireless in this school sucks. I actually walked into the LRC expecting to get some work done (sadly not school work but some research) only to find that there was no wireless access in the reading room. What the hell is this crap? I thought we were supposed to be a modern school, a school on the rise, a school with an eye towards technology (peep the expensive video screens positioned near doors that can tell you the current weather in San Diego [I am writing at 9.33pm and I am going to predict the weather for 2morrow – sunny prolly around 65])
     I read that BS email re the peer to peer networks causing problems, but come on now this is getting ridiculous. Hard to imagine p2ps causing this much trouble when no one can even log on to get on a p2p. Right now I would appreciate more from the school than a p2p excuse, honestly a “Fu@k you we don’t care about you” or even a “Go blow yourself we have a crappy system and we have not yet figured out how to fix it” that would be best.

Just come with answers not excuses please!

Saturday, February 04, 2006

A Picture Share!

Usd dance team. First college dance team I have ever seen without a single black girl!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

How hard is it to run a network?

This is utter BS – My solitaire game has improved to the point that I think I can predict cards coming out of the dealer deck. Thanks to the schools inability to provide a wireless network that works I am forced to play spider solitaire while my classmates try to answer questions in class with the ever present “It seems to me…”

Supposedly there is an email saying that the failed network is due to too many students using P2P networks, which seems rather suspect since the network fails based on what bloody room I am in. I would like to check the email but I can’t since I can’t get online dang it. Sadly the only P2P I ever see now is my wireless connection to the students PC infront of me.

Sitting in a class when you have already taken and passed the bloody exam that the class is geared towards makes it bloody hard to follow along in the class…especially when peeps are showing off with the words…”The firm I worked for did this that and the resulting ass wipe”

National Signing day

TEXAS, USC and Florida all had a decent day.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Open letter to the other occupant of the apartment...

Dear Roomie:
YOU SUCK. I have been told never to threaten anyone online, so I will not threaten you here. But that trick you played was horrible. To not warn me that the first idiot on the American Idol auditions was going to try and mimic (badly) a reggae entertainer; and to not warn me that the person he would model it after would be Dylan (one of the 5 greatest) was just wrong. But to sit here and observe the emotional pain that I went through while watching that idiot butcher Reggae now that was just cruel AND DAMN FUNNY.

That kid was so horrible I am still a bit in shock as I write to you, I half expected him to bust out a bob sled in the middle of his performance. Have no fear though I will get you back for this stunt…granted the whole “this is what we wear in Jamaica trick” that I played on you probably deserved this payback but I refuse to count us as even, so here is your open challenge the latest round of ‘top this’ has begun. Lock your doors and test your milk. (not threats just suggestions)

If you have not seen the new season of American Idol auditions (the only time to watch that show) you have got to start watching, the latest round of peeps to audition are honestly some of the craziest (possibly fakest) peeps in America.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.