Infrequently updated consistently funny

Thursday, June 30, 2005


So in less than 3 hours the co-summer Associate and the Cali- J will race against 14 executives from our corporation in Go-Karts. Despite the highly professional atmosphere of our corp I could not resist wearing a bright yellow polo with the Jamaican flag stitched on. Since I already threatened to put the VP into the wall ala NASCAR, I might as well go whole hog and let everyone be able to see me, no matter what part of the track they are on. Guess the email that I sent telling everyone about my guaranteed chances of victory and all the bets I placed wont come back to haunt me.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Finally a new TV has arrived!

So the Casa de CaliJ Hawaiian-Tropic crib now has a new TV in the living room. Nothing like lugging a heavy TV across the street: The racist and I kept cracking jokes about stopping people and offering to sell them the television “real cheap” since the 2 minorities in sandals lugging a nice TV at 11pm at night didn’t look shady enough. Weird moment of the night, the guy who we bought the TV from is actually my former neighbor from first year – “It’s a small world after all”

Are you serious Mexico?

Come on man, comic character or not that one is pushing it! Maybe it isn’t actually racist, but it sure as hell looks a lot like it.


Free Ice cream today at all Starbucks locations. The Cali-J always looking out for loyal readers; plus I want to get y’all as fat as I am.

Ready or NOT!

To the 2 of you that read this blog and even know where to find BET on your cable list; Tell me you didn’t get goose bumps when the curtains went up and you heard “Ready or not here I come…” and saw that the Fugees have reunited and MAY put out an album. That 12 minute set was crazy hype - poor Lauren she sang herself hoarse. The main thing that set served to show though was that more than anyone else, Pras really, really, really needs the group to get back together.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Taco Tuesday?

I know I said it should be banned last week. But after reading Sarbanes Oxley (if you don't know it - count your blessings) for 3 solid hours I want to go to the mind numbing wasteland that is PB. So to the usual crew lets saddle up; I will be hitting you up on IM.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Jerk Chicken

With the new addition of a Grill (charcoal of course; the Caribbean does not condone gas grilling “fi di authentic jerk”) I will reclaim my position as King of the Grill. Yesterday was steak and I have witnesses as to its good taste. This weekend; The Original Jerk Chicken returns to the Cali-J’s menu.

Why would you say that to me?

Memo to ex-gf and any other people that fall in or around that category; ending a phone conversation with the words “I gotta run I have to go lick whipped cream off someone!” is not guaranteed to illicit a good response from me. What am I supposed to say; “Go get ‘em; Atta girl; You the champ; No one licks like you?

(Knowing my life there will probably be many posts with this title in the future)

What a locksmith!

I heard of this while driving into work this morning and didn’t think it was legit so I had to look it up, turns out it is legit – a man swallowed a key and then because the key was needed to operate his friends truck they took an x-ray of his stomach that showed the key to a locksmith and the locksmith was able to fashion a key (that actually worked) from the x-ray. How good is this locksmith?

There is an alarm clock that will attempt to wake you up using the smell of cooking bacon; the kicker is that there is actual bacon cooking in your room to wake you up. (It does make it easier to run that game about making breakfast for the girl in the morning!)

Sunday, June 26, 2005


THE TEXAS LONGHORNS are the 2005 College World Series CHAMPS! After the last OK disaster I said immediately after "At least we will be champs in baseball!" and I was right. GO HORNS GO! Zandra you can't come out here if you dont bring me some championship gear.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Purity test!

I just scored so low on a purity test that I may have to reconsider even applying for the Moral Character check, though I did beat 2 other people from the law school. But, then again they are great friends of mine so what does that say about me.?

Since when is Tom Cruise a scientific and health expert?

Damn it…I want to slam him as a crack-pot but I do agree with some of his positions; I do believe children and adults are being over-medicated; I do believe that often instead of trying to work with a child that kid is slapped on a prescription. BUT, I do not believe that because a mistake may or may not have been made diagnosing Tom back in the day means that the entire field of Psychiatry is pseudo-science!

Interesting interview between Cruise and a German reporter, reporter was one of the few that didn’t seem to be cowed by the star power of Cruise and Spielberg and I love how he calls out Cruise on the success of Scientology!

Thursday, June 23, 2005

And the NEW...

NBA champions are the SAN ANTONIO SPURS. Props to Detroit they did better than I expected, but in the end the right thing happened. It's been a good week so far; Spurs win; Get to kick it in a suite tomorrow at the baseball game; and, Hopefully this weekend the HORNS take the CWS title!

Is this a good thing?

Not too sure that I like the ruling by the Supreme Court today allowing local governments the ability to seize homes and businesses even against the owners’ will for PRIVATE ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT!!!!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


Texas has made the finals going through undefeated: Our closer is the top rated closer in College ball and is up for the highest award for pitchers!

Ban Taco Tuesday!

Nah not really, but the after effects are deadly. I am operating on very little sleep. I am dehydrated, with blood shot eyes, and I am secreting 80 proof out of every pore. Seriously despite the shower and the ton of water that I have consumed I can still feel alcohol leaking out of me. I have a presentation in 40 minutes and I already know that I will not be able to go near any of the viewers. So I decided to help myself stay awake by drinking Mountain Dew since Jolt doesn’t seem to be in our cafeteria and I just realized that I have consumed 64 ounces of the damn drink so far today (note 64 ounces of water is the RDA) which means that I have consumed about 270mg of caffeine; which explains the fact that my fingers just keep twitching.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Alabama Assholes!

A radio host in Alabama is telling people to boycott Aruba because of the missing young lady. That’s wrong: While I am saddened that this girl is missing telling people to boycott the island is wrong, getting angry that a missing American is no longer the lead story on another Country’s Newspaper is wrong. When people from other countries go missing here we don’t expect or want them to boycott us, and we certainly don’t splash it across the front of our newspapers. Let us not let our grief/sensationalism/apathy/desire towards results get the better of us. Update to the original post: The assholes actually want to blacklist the Entire Caribbean!!! What a pair of IDIOTS!

Rocking to Britney - Oh the shame!!!

I think I may have to officially turn in my race card; It’s bad enough that driving in to work today I heard an ad for Kelly Clarkson at the County fair and thought “Hmm I should get a ticket” (For Kelly Clarkson???); but, the icing on the cake had to have occurred yesterday when I had to borrow my room-mate’s car because my brakes were being replaced (damn ex-gf cut the brakes [not really but it sounds better that way]) So I borrowed Dan’s car, thanks a million for the loaner Dan, and I am driving home on the highway.

I had a hard time figuring out his CD changer because I couldn’t find the remote for it, so once it started to play a CD I just went with it. Unfortunately it was a Britney Spears compilation CD, not the most young black male-esque disc but whatever I just wanted music. So now anyone who has driven on the highway with the windows down knows that you have to turn the radio up louder than you would if on a regular street. So the radio was blaring Britney and sadly it had to be “Oops I did it again” just as I exited the 163N heading to Linda Vista. So not thinking, I am actually bobbing my head to Britney and thinking to myself “Hey this is not the worst thing to listen to on earth” just as I am in the middle of a head knock I look to my right and see 4 guys in a mustang staring at me – yep just my luck while rocking out to Britney I had the misfortune to be spotted by 2 black guys and 2 Hispanics; 3 of whom are wearing bandannas 1 has on a raiders jersey, the others are kicking it in the big ass shirts normally affiliated with gang wear – so basically the stereo-typed gang banger type. I swear it seems like they turned down their radio to make sure they weren’t wrong in what they thought I was listening to. The look of disgust on their faces was almost comical, the only option left for me was to do the slight head nod of recognition, turn my radio down and stare straight ahead with the back of my neck burning with shame.

So though I may not have completely lost my race card, my credit is hanging on by a thin line. It doesn’t matter that as soon as I got home I immediately put on some “gangsta” music the damage was already done!!!

Amazing story

I just wish the lions had mauled those bastards!
Can 70% of a country's marriages really be formed through abduction? DAMN!

Cal beats USC?????

I think people have too quickly written off Cal this year. The game against the Trojans is at Cal this year and if there is one game that the Bears will be chomping at the bit for it has to be this one. This is I think Cal's chance to show the world that they were not a one hit wonder. By Nov 12th when they face USC the Cal destiny should have been determined and they will either be playing solely for pride or will be gunning for a BCS spot, either way I like their chances playing at home. Go BEARS!


Texas owns the record for most College World Series wins!

We steamrolled Tulane to get the record. I am hoping to add another championship pennant (replica) to the one that is currently kicking it over the door of the Cali-J's room. Always amuses me when my friends from Berkley are forced to walk into my room under that pennant. Oh and it feels extra sweet to take the record from Southern California. (If you didn't know my brother is a USC grad and I have had to suffer his jeers everytime they win a football game). This is the year of the HORNS, Cat O for Queen of softball Vince for Heisman and Texas for national champs (lists a tonne of preseason polls all in one spot) could happen!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Props to Dad!!!!

Congrats on your radio program being the #3 overall radio program in Jamaica. Just have to muscle 2 more people out of the way and WE will be #1.


I LOVE YOU DAD. I haven't always been perfect, but you have always been there for me! Thank you for all you have done for me. We share the exact same name and I am honored to display it, may I never embarrass you SIR!

R U trying to get his ass kicked?

Ok so never before have I called someone out in my blog, and this is the closest I am coming to a direct attack. Tonight was initially a great night; my boys and I were out having fun chilling and drinking and all around just having fun. Then sadly drama had to occur: I am declaring it now, I am annoyed to the point of saying I cannot tolerate the drunken antics of S.W. and some of the friends that accompany her. To the idiot that called me from her phone at 2:38am in the morning and then was afraid to tell me his location: you are a pussy! I am going to assume that 317 650 0010 (Indiana area code) which is the number that you called me from is the number of a kid who is afraid! Prior to tonight I had basically put S completely out of my mind; unfortunately tonight at the bar I heard that I supposedly pursued her? What? Say word son! I will not air the sordid details of everything that has occurred between us, but let it be known that I did not pursue S.W.! I am of the frame of mind to place a bounty on her boy (the if you see him kick his ass type) – not because I have any actual hard feelings towards the kid, but because it’s just the way of the world; when your girlfriend goes around pissing people off; the guy generally has to suffer. I am not a violent person, I am not a thug (nor a wannabe), I kid around a lot and I think it has led people to think they can step to me. Just because I am normally such a kidder does not remove the fact, that at the core I am a proud Jamaican man and will step to anyone even if the odds are against me. To my boys: thanks for having my back and being willing to search for those kids, I am certain the 4 of us could have definitely taken those kids and; thanks to my girl T for being willing to provide the female presence (cause of course I can’t hit a girl but S.W. definitely could have taken a girl fight moment to straighten her out a bit).

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Batman Begins!!!!!

Let me first reveal that I am biased, Batman has always been one of my favorite superheroes so I know that I am not as impartial as a reviewer should be. That being said I can still say what is a bad movie (Batman and Robin [Clooney should never have been Batman]). This review will not I repeat will not be a spoiler (I hate those) a movie should be a surprise when you enter it.

- The trailers do not do this movie any justice. It is the best movie of the year so far!! And yes I saw Star Wars. Do not let the Batmobile shown in the trailer scare you off, once you see that scene incorporated in the movies fabric it just makes you want to go out and purchase a tank-like vehicle.

The movie returns to the dark side of the Dark Knight: DC comics realized decades ago that Batman required a psyche that was a little edgier than the ordinary hero. This movie captures much of what it would take to cause a billionaire playboy to crack-pull it together-and then turn into a vengeful crusader. There is an extraordinary amount of overlooked talent in this movie. By the way do not be scared off by the fact that Katie Holmes is in this movie – I would have preferred a different actress but she is not terrible in the moments when she appears and thankfully those are kept to a minimum. (Notice every superhero has to have a love interest?) Since I have vented on Katie let me just run down the rest of the actors
Christian Bale is the best batman so far: The right mix of rich arrogance as Bruce Wayne and contained rage as Batman.
Michael Caine as Alfred is impressive he exudes that aura of control and knowledge of his masters need.
Liam Neeson as Ducard throws in another quality performance, he is fine as a counterbalance to the presence of the other actors.
Gary Oldman is perfect as an up and coming police officer- The man who would be Commissioner Gordon
Cillian Murphy is delightfully creepy as the head of Arkham; if you ever read “One flew over the Cuckoo’s nest” you know that, hang out long enough at a mental asylum and u also become distanced from reality.
Ken Watanabe: he was better than Tom Cruise (see Tom and Katie referenced in the same post –Cali-J) in The Last Samurai and he basically reprises that role here.
Morgan Freeman is Lucius Fox: He is often called the greatest living actor and even though this is a bit part for him, he steals the scenes that he is in, living up to his rep.

The only possible flaw in this movie is that some of the fight sequences are hard to follow but I would still go and see it again and that is very rare for me. Go see it: you don’t have to be a batman fan to love this movie. Note I didn’t say like because I think you will LOVE IT like I did! And I am perfectly willing to go again with anyone who wants to go. Rolling out with a crew of 8 was fun.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Movie tonight?

Does anyone care to go watch Batman Begins tonight? The roomie and I are thinking of catching a showing later on tonight would love to be joined by some of you guys.

Your Bro!

He has my prayers Maria! As do the families of all the soldiers in Iraq, whatever your feelings may be about the war we must still look out for our own.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Raccoon ATTACK!!!!

Bloody raccoons. We live on the 3rd floor of an appt complex: Note again our flat is on the 3rd floor!!! Tonight we came home and there was the biggest raccoon I have ever seen in my life hanging out by our front door. Freaked both my room-mate and I the hell out. That sucker was so damn big that I actually backed down from it. Can anyone say RABIES!!!! To top it off when we tried to scare it off the damn thing decided to take as its route of escape the very path I was standing on. To all of you who think I was being a chicken: ask my roomie that sucker seemed like the size of a cougar; also remember that I didn’t grow up in America, the first time I ever saw a raccoon was when I was 21 so to me they are still ‘exotic’ animals; and finally DAMN DISNEY - just another animal that they make seem cute and cuddly and is nothing like it in real life.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Jamaica owns the RECORD.

Jamaica's Asafa Powell breaks 100-metre record after registering 9.77 seconds
Jamaican Asafa Powell is the new World Record holder for the 100M! It had to happen!

I guess sorry?

Argh hate the feeling of thinking that I embarrassed a friend, because of my behavior! All I can say in my defense was that it was all fun and games and nothing said or done was meant to embarrass anyone or patronize anyone. Plus anyone that could have been offended by my behavior is probably crazy anyway and “Dat’s not cool” + the group seemed cool, I think its all safe.

Monday, June 13, 2005


Live update: Michael Jackson has been found NOT GUILTY on all charges!!!!
Amazing watching the reaction of some of my co-workers.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Post vegas synopsis.

So sore, so ,so, so sore...Thanks for the trip though!

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Mike Jones went Platinum!


An Uncommon show!

Common might be his name but the show was much more than that. This is for you, come what may, I can take it…
“I never knew a luh, luh-luh, a love like this
Gotta be somethin for me to write this
Queen, I ain't seen you in a minute
Wrote this letter, and finally decide to send it
…You know I ain't the type to walk around with matchin shirts
If relationship is effort I will match your work

There are times.. when you'll need someone..
I will be by your side..
There is a light, that shines,
special for you, and me..

Yo, yo, check it
It's important, we communicate
and tune the fate of this union, to the right pitch
I never call you my bitch or even my boo
There's so much in a name and so much more in you”
- - Common “The Light”

Wednesday, June 08, 2005



Yo Girl!

You know what’s cool about a mid week concert by a decent artist? It helps to break up the monotony of the week and helps you to feel like you can make it through the week. Dat’s COOL. Until of course you feel it the next morning and growl at your reflection in the mirror and every driver in your way in traffic.
To no one in particular: “CLOTHES OFF, FACE DOWN, ASS UP” – 50 Cent

Jury of whose peers?

I guess Michael is being judged by a jury of his peers; after all the racial breakdown (according to Fox News) is 8 Caucasian, 1 Asian and 2 Latino????? (Note the # that, that stat adds up to![way to go Fox (guess the balanced part of the “fair and balanced’ motto has nothing to do with mathematical ability]) Anyway there was initially flak re the fact that there were no blacks on the jury, but come on, look where Michael is being tried. I submit that it would be actually weird if a black person was on the Jury list. The breakdown of 8 women to 4 men (by the way isn’t it a bit overkill to have to note that there are 4 men if in advance I say there are 8 women?) also seems to be in MJ’s favor, I think that men in general take a more cynical view of Jackson and were not as enamored with him as many female fans. Don’t get me wrong plenty of guys faint when they see Michael; I just think the incidents are higher among women.

Here at work we are all eagerly anticipating the outcome of that trial, after all he is a big part of one portion of our corporation. Amazing how the corporate world can help you to not see things in terms of guilt or innocence but instead in terms of profit or loss.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Technology and strippers

It' amazing to me that there is now a disposable camcorder. Just like how you can drop off a disposable camera there will now be the opportunity to do the same with a disposable camcorder. By the way are people who take you out to party till 5am when you have have to get to work at 8am really your friends? YES, YES THEY ARE! I know the title here has stripper in it, but I am too tired right now to blog it, but I gurantee that my boy BD Tank the skank magnet,is hoping that I will never post the antics of last night but they have to be told to the world. So once I turn in this memo for work and get some free time the story must be told. Till that time my friend I advise getting some shampoo for your crotch and deleting that number.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Forgot this one

Hope the link is still active: If not, some thieves in Texas last year were scared off by the police sounds in Grand theft auto (For Sony Playstation)

Saturday, June 04, 2005

I must be losing my mind...again!

Ever made a phone call that the minute you made it you wish you hadn’t done so? We always joke about getting Tank the special Australian addition to his phone that would prevent him from calling peeps while drunk. Well I think I may have to get a special device for mine that will let me realize that when I am reaching for my cell phone at 2.30am(with not a drop of alcohol in my system) that something will give me a mild shock to remind me that normal people are asleep; that a girl that is not your girlfriend will not pick up her phone in another city; your boys are not going to want to grab a drink at that time and finally that calling anyone after 2am should not start with the words “My bad I dialed the wrong person” I must be losing my damn mind. Oh quick moment: Why is it that when a guy says “I am just going out with some friends” a girl will get mad/suspicious and the guy has to list every friend he will see or expect to see, but if the guy says “hey who are you going out with?” the girl’s response is a quick snap of “just some friends” and a subject change? It’s not cool to be in other cities and telling friends that are uninvited that you are thinking of throwing a party. I see that now and to all my friends I have ever told of some event I am doing or going to and you had no chance to go or I didn’t invite you, I apologize now!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

MJ trial

So the Jury is supposed to be getting the Michael Jackson case tomorrow. I wonder how quickly a verdict will be rendered and what it will be? Any guesses?

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Spelling Bee: Ya gotta love it!

So I love this time of the year. Not because I watch the spellng bee, because honestly that is a terribly slow and boring thing to watch, but because I love the highlights from it. I know some people think its a terrible thing to laugh at the misery of the little kids. BUT how can you do anything but laugh and stand in awe at the little kid that is told his word stares, stumbles, faints, gets back up and SPELLS THE WORD CORRECTLY. What I think is the best thing about it though is the utter lack of concern on the faces of the other kids around him (except for one little girl that walks towards him [I guess to help - maybe to kick him in the kidneys]). If anything there almost seems to be a flicker of hope in their faces; "Yes Lord, let him die so that I can win" Though at the same time I do feel a twinge of resentment towards Scripps-Howard because in 1998 a Jamaican girl won the competition (First Black to win and the first NON-American), Jamaicans were promptly banned from the competition, thus never giving the young lady a chance to defend her title etc. I also didn't like the lack of coverage her victory and exclusion received (though to be honest I kind of understand it, If I were American I would be pissed that a non-American won). Jamaicans were allowed back in 2000 after protests and adjustments to scheduling.

That girl that put her hand to her mouth after spelling each letter kind of freaks me out!

Quick note: Was it just me or did Jim Grey while interviewing Tyson during the SPURS VICTORY flinch a little bit when Tyson moved to say something in his ear?

Common Show

Shout out to my boy Greg for grabbing the tickets to check out Common at the all new House of Blues (HOB - if your cool). The show should be hype and if my plan works out we should be VIP's. Afterall, just because the artist is called Common does not mean that his fans have to be common folk. So I know some of my peeps hate the fact that Common now does music/ads/TV etc. His string of endorsements is getting as long as Britney's boobs now hang. But, I say good for him, at least he is finally getting paid, I don't think an artist is selling out just because they start to make money or do endorsements. The quality of their music is what I care about, if that falls off then the endorsements etc have come in the way (or the talented producer behind them has left - see Britney w/o the Neptunes). Of course when the artists start to put themselves out as more than Artists and start to do social causes or talk politics etc then I take a closer at them as a person. I will rant soon re the Live 8 concert. Just look at the list of some of the Artist scheduled to perform: Mariah Carey, Coldplay, Dido, Keane, Sir Elton John, Annie Lennox, Sir Paul McCartney, Muse, Razorlight, REM, Scissor Sisters, Snow Patrol, Stereophonics, Sting, Joss Stone, Robbie Williams, U2, Velvet Revolver, Bob Geldof, The Killers, Madonna and The Cure. A few names in that group immediately jump to my mind as devoid of any social conscious and publicity hounds in search of the "feel good" story. Oh well maybe that nagging feeling is im-material!

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.