Infrequently updated consistently funny

Tuesday, January 08, 2019

I return to Bachelor Blogging!


“So I’ve only kissed 4 guys that were my boyfriend…I am not a virgin” I find that sentence so suspicious A. who counts how many people they have kissed and B. was that her leaving an out if a 1000 guys respond “We kissed her” or a 1000 girls…she can always respond with “I said ‘that were my boyfriend’ I didn’t lie!” 

One of these girls has a mom coming fresh out the federal pen…it might be the only thing interesting about her. 

A lot of peeps were apparently annoyed at how long the show took to start BUT that is for those of you still crazy enough to watch this show live…I have never and could never watch this show live, more power and prayers to those of you who can.

“I have not dated a virgin since I was 12” this is the first intro and I suspect the night is going to just get worse. Plenty of cheesy intros like fake butterflies emptied on to the ground to say “I have no more butterflies,” play on names “be the Juan,” popping a balloon shaped like a cherry “to pop your cherry,” pulling a card with a V on it “Took your V card,” giving him a “Sweet Georgia peach,” coming out in a sloth costume - this one broke me and I had to take a temporary gym break. 2 beauty queens are here from the same competition – this is serious. A wardrobe stylist pulls up in a cop car. Many of the girls speak a second language/have an accent so Bri fakes an Aussie accent. 2 girls have on the same dress. One presents him with a dog and yet another comes in a horse drawn carriage and gives him a slipper thus getting the chyron job title of ‘Cinderella.’
Looks like there was a proposal at one of these watch parties but I refuse to confirm by slowing down my DVR as I speed past these wasted moments. 

The girl who brought the dog interrupts Colton and other girls one on one time 3 times for 4 encounters. 

There is a teary eyed retrospective of Chris Harrison’s time as host…is he dying?
The rose ceremony occurs and Catherine the girl who brought the dog and kept interrupting gets the final rose, this feels like a clear producers’ pick.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.