Bachelorette Recap or "No dad this is not how I normally dress."

 

We restart with Tayshia (“Tay”) and Ben on the couch as Ben tells Tay that he told everyone but her that he loves her.

“I don’t expect anything from you, I just want to tell you I love you” sure Ben you do not expect anything. Tay says she wishes she had heard it sooner “because I was almost there” and she stands up to walk Ben out;

they get outside Ben says “thank you for talking with me” and kisses her hand, Tay keeps holding his hands and then goes in for a kiss and then it becomes a dramatic makeout.

Once she gets back inside she says “I kissed him, WHY DID I DO THAT?”

Ben is now “100% confident” he is “going to get a rose.”

Ivan walks up in his short-sleeve-half turtleneck ribbed shirt under his suit feeling confident “that I am one of the final 2” that is 2 guys who are confident!

Ben walks up to the rose ceremony platform with a huge smile on his face and the other guys are SOUR! Their confidence is now shaken and Ben makes sure to put the onus on Tay “she invited me” is that really how it happened bro?

Tay shows up for the rose ceremony and says she will need to follow her heart then asks Ivan if they can go and talk in private; Ivan immediately knows that he is dead man walking.

 As they walk off Ben asks Zac “what do you think that is about?” “I don’t know” Ben “given what she just said about following her heart.”  Ben is really chatty now that he has a reprieve, Zac does not want to talk.

Tay brings up to Ivan that religion is really important to her and might be a sticking point between them, because of what they talked about during their private session. AGAIN LOOK AT EVERY PAST DUDE WE KNOW THAT TAY HAS DATED, THEN LOOK AT IVAN!

Religion is not the only sticking point here, and let’s be real, what does she know about Ben’s views on religion, they did not have a fantasy suite?

In the car ride Ivan says he does not think that Tay will pick anyone at the end of the process.

Tay’s family:
Interesting food spread -

BEN is first to meet the family and Tay tells her family that Ben was initially sent home and then returned. Desmond Tay’s dad is immediately skeptical.

Ben shows up in his skinny jeans showing all of his ankles, which would be the end of any positive impression in my family.

Tay’s mom Rosario wants to know if Ben thinks this will be a “forever thing” (he can think it all he wants). Ben is nervous that the dad will not like him, why were you not nervous about the mom Ben?

Tay’s dad tells Ben that he thinks he is “a sincere and open young man” and is easily won over by him.

The family races scooters with Ben, Tay’s dress is not made for scooters!

ZAC:

Mom asks Zak “Do you love Tayshia?”

Zac says “I do” I have just noticed that Zac is graying, makes me wonder if he died the hair coming into the show or did I just not notice it before?

Tay’s dad “You have been in love before?” Zac “I mean I was married back in 2009” he then admits that he was partying and wild back then. Tay’s dad says of marriage “I don’t want it to be a test.”

Zac charms the parents and they get to share a meal “this is the closest you are going to get to a NY style pizza here in the desert” we get it bro you are from the city!

Tay’s recap time:

While Tay is in her suite staring off into space a knock on her door is heard and Tay looks worried that it might be another pop up. It is her dad. Her dad tells Tay that her family is worried that she might go down the divorce path again.

Zac:

Tay and Zac go and take a ballroom dancing lesson, their rhythm improves but it is still not great.

Tay tells us that she is concerned that she cannot find any flaws in Zac, I guess her emotional eyesight is as bad as her physical eyesight.

During their ‘tough’ evening talk Zac reveals that, that day is his 9 year anniversary of sobriety; he uses this to point out that he understands loyalty and commitment.

Ben:

We get the old standby of a showering hunk in Ben; while Tay tells us that she woke up realizing what her heart wants “and it is not Ben.”

Tay goes to tell Ben that she does not see a future with him and Ben immediately goes from jovial to frozen face again. He starts to silently nod a lot and then when he tries to speak it is a halting speech pattern.

Final Rose?

Tay is waiting for Zac in the desert as we get her voice over telling us that she loves him but she is worried that it might not be right.

“You know from our first conversation that we ever had BY A FOUNTAIN” even Zac knows it has been a fountain-centric season. Tay has the worst pauses “I know that I told you that I love you but…[long pause] it is more than that, it is wild, wild love.” “I am ready to hail a taxi” “prove it.”

Zac is ready for immediate baby making 

After their engagement Tay and Zac continue all of their prior moves, terrible dancing “yelling taxi” and prancing around with a fake cardboard taxi this one saying “Just engaged.”

Bachelorette recap or, are you leaving? You sure? Seriously peeps can come back.

 

Tayshia (“Tay”) “I am still riding the high of hometowns last week” you know where she stayed in her same hotel suite and the show riskily brought in the families of the remaining three guys.

The show has the guys all pose around fountains and look off into space as we get Tay’s voiceover talking about the challenges she will face in deciding who to pick…if the Bach had licensed music and played some R&B below this footage you could easily convince me that this is a 90s video. Hmm I just realized I bought my friend a fountain for Christmas after struggling to decide what to get them, I wonder if this show subconsciously got to me?

Jojo shows up again and is clearly showing the heat, I keep thinking she ran to all of these meetings with Tay. Tay tells us she is grateful for this “last girl chat” and I think maybe uncharitably “Why?” Jojo spoke only in platitudes but maybe Tay is just happy to have another woman to talk to outside of the show’s staff.

OMCH shows up and tells us “31 guys and now we are down to 3” in case you could not do that math of Ivan, Zac and Brendan = 3!

Ivan gleefully gets the first Overnight Date card (“Our love is timeless”), and Zac is not happy. It is a follow up to the awkward move of Peter’s season to now have all 3 guys housed together as they see and experience the others going for fantasy suite dates. At this pace I will not be surprised if next season we have the ones who remain in the house get to see footage of the fantasy suite dates in real time.

The Gap has a commercial advertising fleece and all I can think is “YOU ARE THE PARENT COMPANY OF OLD NAVY – Jack RuPaul from them and add him to this boring ass commercial!”

Ivan’s one on one:

Tay reveals 2 ice baths to Ivan and then lets him know they are going for the record of “World’s longest coldest kiss” YEAH I WOULD BE OUT, I am the guy who takes hot showers in 100 degree weather.

Big Paulie joins Chris as an ‘Ice Bath kiss expert’ and commentator (should I know who this is?). Once they are connected the lips cannot separate if they want to win the record…thanks Chris, you meant to tell me if they stop kissing a kiss is over? Apparently “Paulie was found on a glacier” (Chris is terrible at jokes). If I had to do an ice bath kiss I guess in the middle of a bloody hot desert would be the place to do it BUT, this kiss does not look sexy, it is just clinical AND cynical, I do not care that Tay claims their breathing went into sync…though my homie Ivan, I see you homie rubbing that bootie under the water!

Big Paulie looks less than enthusiastic at the new record for Ice bath kisses – I now realize why he looks vaguely familiar, he has worked on the show for ages and has sometimes appeared as one of the ‘security’ peeps breaking up conflicts.

Back to the house and Brendan claiming he is going with “out of sight, out of mind” re Tay and Ivan as a coping mechanism…but bringing it up just means it is only out of sight. The next date card is for Zac “Let’s explore each other” and then Zac does a terrible Matthew McConaughey impression

Back to the dating couple:

Ivan tells Tay he has fallen for her and she glows, they accept the  ‘key to the fantasy suite’ offer from OMCH and proving how old La Quinta is, they are sent an actual key not a hotel card-key.

Upon entering the suite which is actually just a camper, Tay goes straight for the bed…Yo it is a pandemic I GET IT! Dean and Caelynn have gotta think the show just bit their whole flow using a camper for loving.

The next morning for the after sex glow, Ivan and Tay feed each other fruit in front of the camper to continue the camping theme while we get to see Tay’s post sex glasses, and her safety PJs, the irony of Tay’s PJs being the first and only thing on this show to hide her chesticles!

Is that a love bruise on Tay’s leg as they have breakfast?

Ivan leaves Tay wearing just a black A-shirt and sweats, but when he rolls back in with the other guys he is now in a proper shirt and shorts. Brendan asks Ivan more questions about the night before than I would ever ask of the man who may or may not have just slept with the woman I am interested in including asking if Ivan “didn’t get much sleep?” Ivan happily said “no sleep” and let the guys know he and Tay watched the sunrise. Brendan is starting to seem like he is more concerned with the bros than Tay.

Zac’s one on one:

Zac in his ITM keeps repeating “I can’t wait to explore…explore, just explore…explore…explore, yeah explore” Zac is one of our great modern orators.

For their “exploration” Tay and Zac get to strip down to minimal clothing and body paint on a massive canvas.

Tay tells us that part of what she likes about Zac is that he is “extremely attractive and TALL” set those standards high girl, put them on the top shelf, so he can reach them for you!  The ‘painting’ leads to extended makeout sessions, poor Ivan had to freeze his giblets for what Zac gets in warmth.

“Wake up run a couple miles, and we go down to the café…then a boat…then sushi” that is Tay’s idyllic time in Orange county if she can do what she wants with Zac.

Evening portion:

Zac says “Tay took this wire that was disconnected in me and she took the wire (pushes his hands together to simulate aggressive plugging in and fakes electrical noises) and turned me on” we get it dude, she makes you horny.

Tay wants Zac to explain how it is his mom said he did not want kids but Zac has always seemed on board with her plan for 5 kids – Tay some of this might be he will say anything to stay with you and B. his mom is a snitch.

Zac tells Tay that he loves her and she breaks down and starts crying saying that she loves him too BUT she has never felt this way before…her ex-husband may have something to say.

THE HELL THOUGH? Zac and Tay get a pimped out suite for their night together but Tay and Ivan (2 brown people I might add) got an Airstream trailer for their night together? This feels purposeful and wrong. 

I mean come on: 

Versus

The next morning we get Tay and Zac un-rhythmically dancing on the bed, contrast with Tay and Ivan having to sit on campfire chairs! This is why brown people have a hard time watching your show Bach franchise peeps. The plus bed and roomy suite allowed for much more post-game fun.

Zac returns to the guys and awkward moments of silence.

Brendan one on one:

As Brendan heads up to Tay she is standing by A FOUNTAIN I would have laughed uproariously if he had run up and jumped into her arms.

Tay tells Brendan that she wants him to meet a good friend of hers…Tay you are good friends with Neil Lane? This is what you want me to believe? As Brendan and Tay walk in to meet Neil he is trying to fake the ability to play the piano.

Neil tells us that the stuff that he is having Tay and Brendan look at and try is “really really beautiful stuff” that is like telling people you are funny!  This is a QVC commercial wrapped in the veneer of a date as Neil makes sure to tell us “all handmade not by machines…I make all of my own stuff. “  
Brendan looks a bit uncomfortable and I am uncomfortable for him. Turns out Neil goes to the Bach reunions and keeps in contact with some of the people he has laced with rings. THERE IS NO WAY HE QUARANTINED TWO WEEKS FOR THIS APPEARANCE.

Tay tells us that she is noticing a bit of disconnect from Brandon on this date, you surprised the dude with a trip to the jeweler known for providing the engagement rings (a man who is divorced mind you) and you wonder why he might seem shell shocked? Stop the foolishness.

Evening portion:

Brendan shows up in an outfit that feels like the outfit you wear to watch a ball game with your boys. Brendan tells Tay that she deserves” a man who is healed from his past and unfortunately right now, I am not that man…So I’m so sorry.” Tay looks blankly as she tries to process that she might not get a triple go at the fantasy suite and is instead getting dumped. Do I know that the ring shopping Neil Lane travesty earlier pushed Brendan over the edge? No. Do I think it might have? YES! I guess I was right re the outfit.

Cynical me wonders if part of why Tay is down is she realizes she is terrible at her first impression picks, she gave the first Impression Rose to Spencer and he left early, she had the first one on one with Brandon and he ditches her in the end.

Next morning we have Tay setting a table for 2 (by setting I mean bringing 2 empty champagne glasses and exaggeratedly placing them beside plates) and we get The OG Black Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay talking to the new version.

Timing wise it is hard to believe that Rachel just happened to show up now.

Rachel asks Tay about guys she regrets letting go and Tay brings up Ben and his walls (foreshadowing).

As Zac, Ivan and their much too short suits prep for the final rose ceremony I wonder  what they are thinking about re Brendan. And just as I bring up ankles we see practically all of Ben’s shins as he walks back on to the show to go and see OMCH. Ben tells OMCH that he loves Tay but in the moment of the breakup he didn’t think it was appropriate to tell her then that he loves her…so now it is appropriate? This is like a college kid who failed the test and asks the prof “is there any way for a makeup grade?”  This show can be so gross sometimes.

WOO HOO Tay’s chesticles are on a mission tonight. Can it still be called cleavage when it is this busted wide open? Tay is telling us that it is still important to have a rose ceremony even though there are just 2 men remaining, which is code for “The producers told me we are having a rose ceremony.” As Tay continues to primp and stare at the space in her dress in the mirror Ben finally arrives.

Ben tells Tay that he is in love with her “I am starting to get nervous” why though? If you are in love and your sole goal here is to say it, once said what is the nervousness? My heart is on ice.

 

 

 

Bachelorette recap or who needs emotional expression on a dating show?

OMCH immediately says “Obviously we cannot do that” when speaking of the impossibility of doing actual hometown dates so the families have been transported to La Quinta and they are going through the quarantine and testing process.  

Zac has his bro, dad and mom.

Ivan has both his parents

Ben has his sister and tells us “Crying, I don’t know how to do that.”

Brendan is first with his brother his sister in law and his niece.

There is zero chance I could have gotten my dad to do this quarantine for this show. MAYBE I could have gotten my mom and my bro…MAYBE!

Brendan has the first ‘Hometown’:

Tayshia (“Tay”) runs and jumps into his arms and he asks “can I do a little spin with you?” They have seen this show; they know the reactions they are supposed to give.

Brendan says carnivals are a big part of his life (say what bro?) so he has a mini carnival set up at La Quinta and he has his niece Aliyah come to play with them. Smooth move bro, allows you to look good with kids while having a safe kid and provides a buffer if your conversation starts to lag.

Brendan and his niece have specialty handshakes and Tay wants to get in on that joyfulness so they incorporate a dance move into the resulting handshake and there is some awkward ‘white’ dancing…and Tayshia is worse! It pains me to say it, it has been a season of me trying to hide from the truth, but…I think Tayshia has no rhythm! And yes I spelled out the name here; you do not get to maintain the swag of Tay during this paragraph no matter how lazy I tend to be.

I get the feeling that Brendan’s bro is covid-fit (is that mean?). His shirt and his look makes me think he bought the outfit when he was much fitter but the pandemic got to him before he could get to his outfits.

Zac’s hometown:

And Tay’s chesticles are out to play. She again runs and jumps into arms, my poor knees weep again in empathy.

Zac’s date starts with him teaching Tay how to hail a cab.

They ‘take’ a cardboard cutout taxi on a tour of NY…their first stop is at a Bagel shop where Tay offends Zac by putting blueberries on her bagel. They then of course stop at a pizza shop. Final stop on the NY tour is Central Park.

My colleague E pointed out last week that the show spends a lot of time around fountains and tonight already we have had Brendan and Tay making out by the fountain

but Zac and Tay take it up a level and makeout lying down IN THE FOUNTAIN, not standing in the fountain LYING DOWN IN THE FOUNTAIN!

This is not how we got covid but THIS IS WHY WE HAVE COVID! 

 

Evening portion: Tay is in all black with a sheer covering over the top of the assets, as if they are in mourning because she has to be ‘sedate’ for the family.

Matthew, Zac’s bro takes Tay aside first. Matthew asks Tay where she is at with Zac in comparison to the other three (because he has seen the show and knows that Tay got to this point in her season of competing) Tay dodges the question and Matthew calls her out “You did not answer the question” I do not think he was talking down to her though initially I kind of recoiled, but I enjoyed his bluntness.

Zac’s dad is happy that his kid is smiling “I haven’t seen him smile that much in a long time” nice to see dad glowing.

Zac’s mom Beatrice while talking to him reminds him of his past statements “Saying that you didn’t need to have love in your life because you have your family” after Zac says he is less stern than he used to be thanks to Tay. You can see how ridiculously hot it is while Beatrice and Zac speak, the sweat is just POURING off of them.

Beatrice dry snitches while talking to Tay and lets her know that Zac previously did not want marriage and kids but Zac has changed because of her.

Ivan’s Hometown:

BUT while Tay kisses him off the bat there was no run and jump…did she not think he could take it or is she not as enthusiastic?

Ivan takes Tay to cook and while he sets up a video “I am actually friends with one of the top Filipino chef’s in the world” cue Chef Kehlani Ivan’s 4.5 year old niece IVAN IS DRIPPING WITH SWEAT! Kehlani teaches them via video how to make lumpia (whoa Microsoft word does not recognize lumpia?)

Ivan and Tay do not seem to have kitchen skills and they also do not have dancing skills, this was doubly painful for me as they dance in the kitchen.

Uhmm please tell me that, that was an extremely small mic pack and NOT Tayshia walking around with the label still on her skirt?

Evening portion:
And Ivan’s mom is much more excited to see them than the dad, or maybe the dad just keeps his emotions buried?

Mom takes Tay off first “It’s a lot and I am still a big skeptic.”

Dad asks Tay (while first telling her that he too was married once before) “What did you learn?”

As Ivan is getting emotional that his bro is not there, in walks the ‘Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas’ version of Ivan, complete with face tats.

Ivan’s bro Gabriel proves what I say about gangsta vs play-gangsta, Ivan’s bro got the gangsta imprimatur, Ivan could try all he wants to be hard (he does not) but he would never come across like Gabriel, Gabriel is a man who has been through the system. I am a former defense attorney there is a hardness that comes with a person who has been in the joint that you just cannot simulate from the outside.

Gabriel pulls Tay to the side and speaks of loyalty "Loyalty is an action word…and given the chance he will demonstrate that."

 Ben's hometown: 

Ben also gets the run and jump 

 Rather than go to his actual 'hometown' he is 'taking' Tay to Venice Beach because "home is where your heart is" so they rollerblade down the Venice boardwalk to wellness shots at his juice bar.

Then do the touristy thing and go to a Venice shop for hats and shades…I get the feeling that Ben is still in the honeymoon phase with Venice…"The best part of Venice is not the board walk it is the beach" Nope, Venice beach is not that great…so they go to the pool.

 Ben says Tay will meet his close personal family friend Antonia, she is with me more than anyone else…hmm…that's a close personal trainer client bond and his sister Madalyn "Mads."

Antonia tells Ben "You love her" Ben says he does not know how to say it; this dude should probably not be on this show learning to process his feelings. He appears shocked that his friend could tell him that he is in love. In his ITM Ben's brain looks broken as he says "I am in love."

Ben takes Tay to a FOUNTAIN to talk and his brain breaks (he admits his brain couldn't do it) and he does not tell Tay that he loves her, he stutters through their moment together and Tay seems visibly annoyed.

 ROSE CEREMONY:
As Tay enters OMCH asks "Do you know what these guys feel about you?" Tay "I can guess" see Ben, you should have told her, do not leave her guessing. 

 

 Ivan gets the first rose.

Zac the second.

So now it is down to two who seemed locks coming into the week, Brendan and Ben (yeah I am stealing OMCH's job here)

The final rose goes to Brendan.

I am about to dislocate my shoulder all over again patting myself on the back for picking the final three correctly.

Tay walks Ben out and they sit beside another fountain (the sound guy must HATE this set up). As Ben just stares blankly at her Tay says "Ben, don't shut down on me." This is probably why Tay did not pick him, their conversations can be like pulling teeth and I bet she saw a future of frustration. Ben on his way out:

After Ben leaves Tay says "It kinda felt empty" Ben displays "No emotion" "Please let me feel like these past few weeks meant anything to you." I am more worried about Ben's mental health than his emotional health.

 Bloopers:

And we find out that Zac's mom would absolutely leave her husband for a night with OMCH.

 

Bachelorette recap or “Now it is literally do or die!” no bro that is not literally how you use literally.

OMCH returns from sending his kid off to college and pretends that he does not know what happened with Bennett and his return…except OMCH said “so that means Bennett is gone” it was too leading a statement for me to trust his feigned ignorance.

Blake gets his One on One:

And one of the guys says “I gotta think he is getting the rose or he is going home” yeah bro, that is generally how it works.

The Franchise might be stuck at La Quinta but they are not giving up their tropes and so Tayashia (“Tay”) and Blake go to a “Reiki and Crystal master” named Gita – as they walk up Blake is definitely in “what do we have here?” mode and that is not helped when Gita says “Seekers” Blake repeats it skeptically. Gita tells Blake to disrobe and you can tell that Blake is panicked thinking he is going to get naked again for another time this season.

Blake and Tay are told to crack a stone and keep a piece each so that they will always have a connection (foreshadowing). Tayshia is worried that she and Blake might not be as close as she wants “I don’t think that he is my guy” of course this is while Blake is now thinking that they are connected.

Blake takes his getting sent home with aplomb, while Tay breaks down on the side of the road, bawling and making the vein in her forehead stand out in stark relief. Blake’s removal makes me think Bennett’s presence had a lot to do with it.

While the guys are speculating whether Blake is coming in or someone will pick up his bag, Tay walks in.

Tay tells the guys that she just sent home Blake “this is really really hard I just don’t want to hurt anyone…[then]…Riley can we talk.” That freaks out everyone.

Tay tells Riley that she knows how much family means to him but she does not want to put him in a vulnerable position when she does not think her heart will match his (does not want to hurt anyone)…Riley bro, do not take it personally, look at all of Tay’s past significant others, you were not going to be her final choice! Ivan can fulfill the quota, I say this with zero compunction, she has a type and WE are not it.

Riley’s response feels like a man who knows the franchise needs more black Bachelors and is submitting his audition tape.

ROSE CEREMONY:
Brendan tells us “there are 4 of us remaining for three roses” nuh uh homie…Dramatic music “I am extremely nervous as to what the future could hold” and in walks Bennett. As Bennett puts his hand collegially on Zac, Zac says “WHY ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR HAND ON ME?” With a massive scowl .

“She invited me so I think we have gotta, like we have always done, trust her decisions” that is rich from the man who ignored her decision and came back.

OMCH comes in to tell the guys no cocktail party so straight to the Rose Ceremony

Zac gets the first Rose

Ivan the second

OMCH comes in to tell us it is the final rose (we went a week without this deep knowledge) Brendan gets the final rose. 

And the 2 on 1 date finally gets the conclusion that many wanted…both Bennett and Noah are going home.

MEN (Minus Eazy) TELL ALL:

Did they bring the guys back for this, or did they make them stay in quarantine? As someone who just did a covid test I am not sure I would want to go through multiples for this moment.

Most of the guys dressed up for the occasion, Kenny wore his formal sweatshirt. 

Ed is partway through his glow up. This is a bit gauche, the show lets Ed go off about Chasen but Chasen is not there to defend himself, “He is the three ‘Fs’ a fraud, fake and Phony and Phony has a PH but he is too dumb to know that”

Tonight I realized that Demar and Noah are the same age, Bennett is correct they do not act the same at all. Noah says “I will accept any genuine apology, I just cannot tell if that was genuine or not” then calls Bennett “a Harvard D-bag” methinks he was not going to accept ANY apology.

Flashback to Blake and Tay’s date in the desert with Gita where we get a black box over Ed’s privates as Gita hovers a crystal over his penis saying ”We are charging your presence” Tay is staring directly at the black box area so we are led to believe Ed was highly aroused.

 OMCH: “Canadian’s rise to the occasion” Blake: “I was charged…in that moment I guess.”

Flashback to the scavenger hunt date and we get Ed waxing Kenny.

The show brings back Yosef and the guys are NOT happy to see him. While the show recaps Yosef’s insulting of Clare we have the inset box of the guys watching the recap with anger.

 Yosef attempts to ridicule the guys who were on the strip dodge ball date (that sounds so ridiculous and it was) for not “standing up for themselves” so he was “man enough” to do it for them. Yosef feels like the poster child for the Men’s Rights campaigns…that is not a poster you want to be on.

When Yosef tries to act like a tough and say none of the guys ran up to him and told him to his face that what he did that night with Clare was wrong Riley says to him “I am ten feet from you and I am telling you right now.” Yosef has the look of a man that KNOWS the show has adequate security and pretty strong contracts.

Tay comes out in a velvet dress that highlights her assets. 

  Tay is gushing about Noah’s looks, but when Noah has a chance to talk about his feelings for Tay he first brings up Bennett again, dead horse meet Noah’s whip.

During the blooper reel, Tayshia the half Mexican girl tells us “I don’t know if that is salsa” after doing a dance move and I think my friend Ali just died a little inside.

To end it all we get green juice served by Bennett to give the guys a taste of his lifestyle and ‘Chateau Bennett’ the guys all receive champagne glasses, and Noah gets a sippy cup.