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Monday, January 28, 2013

January 28th E and I exchange Bachelor emails

First mine, then hers (though hers was written first but it is my blog so why not)

I know every week I mock the gratuitous shots of Sean with his shirt off, but in fairness to him, if I had his body I might never wear a shirt again. I am always amused by the girls initially clapping the news of X-girls date invite then having them express their disappointment in confessionals. 

I really really really think I have met this Selma girl. Last week I wondered out loud if the girls really thought the fabulous dates they go on would continue once the show was done…and this week it was answered. Selma kept exclaiming how much she wants to keep doing such fabulous things for ever. Have you ever noticed Sean often looks into the wrong direction when doing his confessionals? I really hope he is looking at a producer or a cue card and not that he has no idea how to use a camera. 

I can respect and applaud Selma’s love (and healthy fear) of her parents and their traditional values and thus her not kissing on TV. I would be lying if I did not say I was shocked that she held out, but I was impressed.

Watching the girls rollerblading is awesome, until we see that one of the girls cannot balance because…she has one arm. I hate the Bachelor for doing this to me, I do not want my heart strings tugged on, I want to mock these girls viciously not to pause because of a disability, so you know what? Back to mocking, after all we are supposed to treat everyone equally. Normally when watching sports I hate seeing anyone injured, even the mildest twinge of an ankle makes me feel bad. But, when Amanda wipes out, I had to chuckle because this girl had just faked for a long time that she was well versed in the game and then immediately ate it. Suckily Amanda’s injury cancels the chance of us seeing these girls compete. 

Tierra is back 100% with the crazy eyes. Here is a thought, if you want to walk off the show, then just do so. Why wait around to interrupt another girls date? And if you do not want to just stalk off the show but would rather politely let the bachelor know before you leave, why not wait till your moment to talk to him? I hear it shouted in my co-workers voice “DARAHMAAAAA” (yup that is how he spells it when he yells it). Well played Tierra, well played. Hahah he just said he looked into her eyes and saw something special, yes you did it is called ‘crazy’. 

Freaking out about receiving diamonds on a show that is designed with dating experiences in mind just seems foolish. All these Pretty Woman references and the girl loving the comparison of her to Julia Robert’s character in the movie; does she not understand the character was a WHORE? Man this guy lacks charisma, in the jewelry store, I am pretty sure Neil Lane was hoping he would make it more like the blatant ad it is for his store. 

Well this is awkward, they had a musician lined up for the post rose intimate dance and then poof…he lets the girl go; thus causing Sean to have to say the name of the featured act in a blatantly forced way and then show shots of him listening to the music alone. 

Tierra gives the world’s best apology: “That was kind of your bad” I have got to use that move the next time I am apologizing to someone immediately tell them it was their fault. Oh and can you say “I am too much of a woman…to let them get to me” when earlier in the epi you were crying because other girls had his attention?

Wha wha what? Tierra is only 24?????????? No way 

Rose Ceremony: blah blah bunch of pretty girls get roses. The girl who cracked her chin on the floor gets sent home, another ‘model’ gone. 

Post credits video…Sean does not know how to drive stick!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Now E's email
Okay, so I guess it is my turn to have some musings.  Please ignore all the typos and grammar mistakes, thanks. :)

So, we start off with another shirtless Shawn, and in his underwear.  Nice.

The girls are already crying within 5 minutes.  Seriously?  Oh my, this is going to be a long night.

Date 1: Selma
She says "all 110 lbs"… don't girls usually never, ever say their weight?  Anyway, she sort of reminds me of the actress Shiri Abbleby.  She was on Roswell.
She said he took the Iraqi to the desert.  Thats awesome, but she is not impressed.  She's such a princess.  This is really an amusing date so far.  At the top, queue to sweeping, soaring music.  Love conquers all.  VOM!  Now it's time for the after physical activity dinner date. Trailer park trash, hilarious.  I think it is hilarious that she's talking about not being able to kiss him because of her culture, but she has her tatas hanging out all over the place, especially on the climb up the rock.  Look at my whole body!  But I can't kiss you!  I'm a fucking cock tease.  Shawn's reaction, his noisy exhale, was hilarious.

Shawn is funny.  He reminds me of what it was like when I was looking at colleges.  I fell in love with each one that I went to, and forgot about the others, instantly.  He is like, "I'm so into you!!" to each girl he goes on a one on one date with. 

Group Date:
Roller Derby, this should be interesting.  The crazy girl is going to take someone out for sure!  I will clarify, the throw-myself-down-the-stairs crazy girl.
Seriously, did these girls never roller skate when they were little?  None of them can stay on their feet!  And it sucks watching the one armed girl.  I feel really bad for her.  She needs to go home so I stop feeling bad about her having one arm.  And the girl who lied about having experience and then ate shit is also a little crazy!  She was the one who was moping and all axe murderer during the rose ceremony the other week before shawn talked to her.  But, anyway, good call canceling the match. LOL

Dinner date (again, after physical activity, natch)
Man, Tierra is really giving the girls stank eye, right from the start.  I want her to stay around because she is so awesomely crazy.  I always wonder how the crazy chicks will ever get a date after the show airs.  Oh my god.  That injured girl's tonsils joke.. ick.  OH no.  Tierra said fustrating.  FUSTRATING!  Now I'm torn.  Crazy is fun TV, but talking like that annoys me.  It's a pet peeve.  Fustrating, supposably… really people.
So, this Tierra breakdown cracks me up.  How are you going to be upset about mot having a lot of time with him, all these other girls dating him, etc.  It's the Bachelor.  What did you think was going to happen?  She's not going to get any sympathy.  But I also think that it is very possible that she is just playing a good game.  Oh she plays dirty! She got the rose.  Shawn is an idiot.

Date 3: Leslie
I think that this girl is really attractive, even though she has an enormous mouth.  I would be very happy to have a shopping spree date.  That way when I eventually do not win the man, I get to go home with dope swag.  That pink dress is so ugly.  I would never even pick it up off the rack.  She's really cute though.  I don't really think they have a connection though.  Although maybe in a few minutes he's going to say he absolutely is falling for her.  Like he says after every date. 
Boring relationship talk during dinner.  Snore.  Ha!  He totally said the connection wasn't there.  I am on fire.  But that is sad for her. But, like I said… swag. 
Shawn said Ben Taylor was going to sing for them… WHO?  That must suck even more for this band that I don't know of.  LOL they are playing for no one.  So sad for them.

Oh no, I am live now.

Cocktail Party:
He just told them that if they have questions about the decisions that they make… queue the line of girls to ask why he gave the rose to Tierra.  LOL

Robyn's pick up line… I was embarrassed!  She's a weird one for sure.

Most fake apology ever on air.  And anyone who says "I came here to win this" is really not there to fall in love.  :)  Although I don't know how many people think they will actually fall in love, but judging by the exit interviews, everyone leaves broken hearted, even when they only had one conversation with him.

Rose Ceremony:
That Amanda girl looks like she should be a witch in a movie. Yikes.
That last girl he picked, Daniella, looks like she is dirty nasty sexy.  Sorry, but she does.  I like her.

Not surprising that crazy girl number two was let go.

Okay, those are my play by play ramblings. :)

Next week is TWO nights of the Bachelor!

Monday, January 21, 2013

Bachelor recap and random musings

Again written while I watch the show so good luck with my grammar punctuation spelling etc.

Got my bowl of chicken soup ready, so its time for the show that should make me sick. Of course we again open with Sean working out with his shirt off. Look I get it producers the guy has a great body, we all know this, it is clearly the type of body that comes from someone who works out…a lot. But we don’t need to see the process weekly, and it is especially annoying on a day when I did not hit the gym. 

They are touring the Guinness Museum and all I keep thinking is ‘when I was a kid so many of these records were cool’ now every idiot seems to make up a record just to have a record’ that thought was instantly validated by Sean boasting that his dad had the record for driving through the lower 48 in the shortest time…DUMB RECORD.

The next dumb thing I heard was Sean saying that because the record for longest on screen kiss had stood for 10 years it was a difficult thing…no it is not Sean. What it is, is a record that does not matter and thus most people do not care to put it ‘on screen’ after all your time up there is not even close to the time for the longest kiss ever. Something I learned this weekend: it actually costs people money to get their records verified. Now I know if I had thought about it, I would have figured this out but why would I ever have thought about it? Anyway I found out this weekend because a guy was on the radio talking about his attempts to set the record for most pull ups done in 24 hours. For the record his record is 4025 according to him, I have not bothered to verify it but good grief that is insane. I am not sure I have done that many in my entire life, and I can actually do pull ups. I thought about hitting my pull up bar just to see how many I could rip off right now, but at my current weight I hate risking my door frame, so will just have to wait till the gym tomorrow and Beast it then. 

Sorry back to the show, these girls are horrible at beach volleyball and this is from a man who is just average at the sport, I think myself plus 2 of my average at V-ball friends could beat that whole group. I am breaking out into a rash on my shoulder, maybe this show really is making me sick. This is bad of me, but I love that for some reason all the girls from the losing team return home still just wearing their bikinis…apparently no shirts were allowed and they were not even working out.

I see the Bachelor has bought into the whole ‘Stop Snitching’ campaign. The girl from a prior Bachelor season tried to snitch on her competitors and got the stone wall from Sean, this cracked me up because it prompted my friend E to text me immediately (she has a bad problem with spoilers – bad girl). I know I already mentioned in a prior blog that there is a girl on the show with just one arm, yet every time I see her for the first time in an episode I am instantly startled by it. This poor girl has probably been stared at her whole life. Why was I startled by seeing her again? Because the camera panned to her after that other girl threw herself down the stairs for attention. What’s this you say? She just fell? But then did not want to get checked out at the hospital by medical professionals? In a venue she would not have to pay for? Nope not suspicious at all, and certainly not suspicious that the sight of Sean proved amazingly restorative (okay I should add, I wondered if she was pushed, also wondered if the added some extra sounds in post to make that fall sound worse than it was, it sounded like Eddie Murphy’s aunt falling down the stairs.) 

I agree with E, so many of the times a band shows up on the Bachelor or the Bachelorette my reaction is often “WHO?”  This may be very snarky of me, but I suspect that every time a Bachelor says “Performance from my fave band” or anything similar I think they only became your favorite band after the producers said, “Hey this is who we can afford/who agreed to perform”. 

A dog gets to ride in a limo? Does this show just spend 90% of its budgets on limos? Or after so many seasons and episodes do they just own their own fleet of limos? It could be a plan, just use them in season and then out of season just rent them out as ‘The Bachelor Limos’. 

Straight from E and I liked it so much I am using it here “Kacie B’s dress at the rose ceremony is straight from Tron”. I liked the aggressiveness of the girls tonight; the stealing and stealing back of alone time with Sean amused me. Looked like a slutty game of musical chairs. 

Where Flavor of Love beats the Bachelor handily was in its clock ceremony vs rose ceremony, not in the actual items presented but in the level of crazy I could always expect from a FOL clock ceremony. There was always the risk of a fist fight or a girl stepping forward too soon to accept a clock that was not going to be presented to her. The Bachelor rose ceremonies are decent but they lack the tension that can only come with the potential of massive head trauma.

When they are all lined up in rows and eagerly staring at Sean, you really really get to see how many of these girls have ‘Crazy Eyes’ (it’s a thing, look it up). 

Whoa he got rid of the model – in things I did not see coming that is way up there, but still behind the missing arm. 

Well I gotta go take my shirt off, it is time to hit the gym.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Bachelor week 2, the lazy review

The first date has Sean go out with the girl with one arm and the cynic in me just makes me think it was set up to tug at our heart strings. They do a physical activity that one would not normally think could be accomplished by someone missing a limb, but of course love will overcome all challenges. Her story about being barred from ziplining, ugh just so sad and yet...set up for the camera?

The group dates always amuse me: the cattiness of the girls, the shock at how amazing the date is? Have you not seen the show? They always make the dates amazing ladies...the sensible ones will know that these are made for TV dates and this is NOT NOT NOT something that you would normally do, unless you normally go on dates with 5 other girls, and if so, give me a shout. I cannot help laughing at Kacie (I think I have that right), who now counts as the wise sage because she was on one of these shows before. Her ability to game Sean into giving her an early rose was masterful, and her nudging that girl with Lion hair to leave the show early was Jedi mind-trick like.

When they were planning to prank that girl I was pretty worried that Sean would not be able to pull it off, because so far to me, he has the personality of a wet dish rag; then they pull him out of the room and it makes sense, it removes the chance of him spoiling it which makes me think they did not trust him.

My thoughts on his wet rag personality are further confirmed by his behind the scene reactions to the hidden camera stress the pranked girl is facing.

This stupid show has such a hold over me, its 3am and I am actually watching it, even though since I have it recorded I could in theory watch it at any time. Instead I spend my insomniac moments watching this drivel. Then again, I also watched wrestling earlier in the night, so maybe I shouldn't pretend that my tv choices are the greatest.

All these girls have cutesy stories and I do not believe a single one, they all sound too rehearsed. It is 37 degrees this is not SoCal weather, my friend whose house I stopped by an hour ago thought I was insane because I walked in wearing flip flops and shorts (and no it was not a booty call).

When you wear a wedding dress to the first meeting and worry that it made you look like a crazy person, you probably should not lead with that on the 2nd meeting.

The Amanda girl that everyone proclaimed crazy, I sometimes wonder if those girls are as crazy as the girls intimate or if the editors just cut the tape so well to make her seem like she should be in a Hitchcock movie.

I guess I learned a little the end of typing this I will have unlearned any Farsi I just learned.

I am so glad he kept the 'crazy' chick. I know I know there was more to the rose ceremony etc, but after watching more than an hour of this even with the DVR aid, I am burned out!

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

It has been a while, so let's do a TV recap - The Bachelor

I know, I know this is a cop out but my friend got me into watching the Bachelor so that we could mock it together so this morning I sent her an email with my recap thoughts and I have decided to share it here. Remember this is from an email, don't judge its grammar syntax etc

Elizabeth YOU SUCK for getting me into this show....

I had a friend watch it with me, because she said she had never watched it before and I told her we could mock it ceaselessly, she did not believe me...until we started watching!
What was up with the kissing lessons thing? I have never in my life asked another man how he kisses girls, and certainly would not ask for lessons. And in fact when in the past we have mocked someone for kissing someone in public, we then did not require them to show us how they did it...or to tell us to put their whole body into it - he knows they were talking about a kiss right? Not a pre-game molestation.
My favorite thing from last night and the thing that caused me to pause my DVR and analyse this show like the Zapruder film was Robyn (and you know how bad I am with names, so the fact that I remember her name shows how much it affected me). I could not believe she tried not one but TWO backflips and I sat up straight laughing when half way through the second she yelps "OH noooooo", I did not even let her get to Sean, I immediately hit the 15 second rewind on the DVR, then I hit it again, then again, then again. My friend says I instantly rewatched it 5 times (I believe her). I then went all the way to when she first exits the limo and started doing play by play like this "See her face just before she turns around, that is the look of determination, on this first flip she is exactly like Alabama, on this second flip she is Notre Dame" (I fear that did not butch up the Bachelor, but at least you know I watched the BCS game). Even after I watched the whole bloody episode, I rewound the whole thing just to get back to her and her "oh nooooo" it made my night.
I cannot believe he immediately gave a rose to the girl that showed up with that super cheesy open heart tattoo. Then he kept the girl who came in IN A WEDDING DRESS. To me none of the black girls are amazing looking, though there were quite a few plain white girls this year too...wonder if they are trying to go with a more-realistic look?
It is probably bad of me that I enjoyed the song sung to him by the crazy girl from Tennessee, I would actually have kept her over a few of the other girls.
Fifty shades of crazy is a stripper right? She has to be a stripper right? Come on say she is a stripper right? That dancing was stripperesque right? Seriously...that girl!
When he gave that first girl the rose, my first thought when she started to walk into the main room was; "Oh no, this girl might actually get shanked". The looks on the girls faces when she walked in made up for the fact that I was actually sitting there watching the Bachelor. (I hate you for getting me into this show btw, I seriously do).
I actually felt it was unfair to him (and yes I know the whole show is pretty much a gimmick) to place the girl with one arm on the show. Yes I know everyone is beautiful (and this girl is gorgeous) but placing her on leaves him in an awkward position...he cannot cut her on the first night right? And then what happens after one of their fake physical challenges, does he have to keep her because she was plucky, when is the safe time to cut her etc? I will deny I ever sent this if she wins it all. But I feel pretty safe right now that she will not win it all.
I thought the Yoga instructor was cute...until I saw her walking barefooted - deal breaker.
Is this going to be the new thing on all these shows; someone from previous shows will be on it? I know I am new to this and you are my Yoda, so is this a thing?
And maybe I should not chuckle but when these girls who have just met the guy and are booted the first night cry as if they have lost their first love I cannot help but think "That is a whole bag of crazy!"

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.