Bachelor recap and random musings

Again written while I watch the show so good luck with my grammar punctuation spelling etc.

Got my bowl of chicken soup ready, so its time for the show that should make me sick. Of course we again open with Sean working out with his shirt off. Look I get it producers the guy has a great body, we all know this, it is clearly the type of body that comes from someone who works out…a lot. But we don’t need to see the process weekly, and it is especially annoying on a day when I did not hit the gym. 

They are touring the Guinness Museum and all I keep thinking is ‘when I was a kid so many of these records were cool’ now every idiot seems to make up a record just to have a record’ that thought was instantly validated by Sean boasting that his dad had the record for driving through the lower 48 in the shortest time…DUMB RECORD.

The next dumb thing I heard was Sean saying that because the record for longest on screen kiss had stood for 10 years it was a difficult thing…no it is not Sean. What it is, is a record that does not matter and thus most people do not care to put it ‘on screen’ after all your time up there is not even close to the time for the longest kiss ever. Something I learned this weekend: it actually costs people money to get their records verified. Now I know if I had thought about it, I would have figured this out but why would I ever have thought about it? Anyway I found out this weekend because a guy was on the radio talking about his attempts to set the record for most pull ups done in 24 hours. For the record his record is 4025 according to him, I have not bothered to verify it but good grief that is insane. I am not sure I have done that many in my entire life, and I can actually do pull ups. I thought about hitting my pull up bar just to see how many I could rip off right now, but at my current weight I hate risking my door frame, so will just have to wait till the gym tomorrow and Beast it then. 

Sorry back to the show, these girls are horrible at beach volleyball and this is from a man who is just average at the sport, I think myself plus 2 of my average at V-ball friends could beat that whole group. I am breaking out into a rash on my shoulder, maybe this show really is making me sick. This is bad of me, but I love that for some reason all the girls from the losing team return home still just wearing their bikinis…apparently no shirts were allowed and they were not even working out.

I see the Bachelor has bought into the whole ‘Stop Snitching’ campaign. The girl from a prior Bachelor season tried to snitch on her competitors and got the stone wall from Sean, this cracked me up because it prompted my friend E to text me immediately (she has a bad problem with spoilers – bad girl). I know I already mentioned in a prior blog that there is a girl on the show with just one arm, yet every time I see her for the first time in an episode I am instantly startled by it. This poor girl has probably been stared at her whole life. Why was I startled by seeing her again? Because the camera panned to her after that other girl threw herself down the stairs for attention. What’s this you say? She just fell? But then did not want to get checked out at the hospital by medical professionals? In a venue she would not have to pay for? Nope not suspicious at all, and certainly not suspicious that the sight of Sean proved amazingly restorative (okay I should add, I wondered if she was pushed, also wondered if the added some extra sounds in post to make that fall sound worse than it was, it sounded like Eddie Murphy’s aunt falling down the stairs.) 

I agree with E, so many of the times a band shows up on the Bachelor or the Bachelorette my reaction is often “WHO?”  This may be very snarky of me, but I suspect that every time a Bachelor says “Performance from my fave band” or anything similar I think they only became your favorite band after the producers said, “Hey this is who we can afford/who agreed to perform”. 

A dog gets to ride in a limo? Does this show just spend 90% of its budgets on limos? Or after so many seasons and episodes do they just own their own fleet of limos? It could be a plan, just use them in season and then out of season just rent them out as ‘The Bachelor Limos’. 

Straight from E and I liked it so much I am using it here “Kacie B’s dress at the rose ceremony is straight from Tron”. I liked the aggressiveness of the girls tonight; the stealing and stealing back of alone time with Sean amused me. Looked like a slutty game of musical chairs. 

Where Flavor of Love beats the Bachelor handily was in its clock ceremony vs rose ceremony, not in the actual items presented but in the level of crazy I could always expect from a FOL clock ceremony. There was always the risk of a fist fight or a girl stepping forward too soon to accept a clock that was not going to be presented to her. The Bachelor rose ceremonies are decent but they lack the tension that can only come with the potential of massive head trauma.

When they are all lined up in rows and eagerly staring at Sean, you really really get to see how many of these girls have ‘Crazy Eyes’ (it’s a thing, look it up). 

Whoa he got rid of the model – in things I did not see coming that is way up there, but still behind the missing arm. 

Well I gotta go take my shirt off, it is time to hit the gym.

Shaq and Hoopz engaged?

Insomnia is a hell of a thing: Because of it I am up listening to Sports talk radio and hearing the rumor that Shaq may now be engaged to Hoopz from the first season of Flavor of Love...come on Shaq this better be false!

Since I am lazy I will just link to a site that showed up when I googled the rumor http://thetvrealist.com/gossip/Shaq-and-Hoopz-Engaged-3352193.html

At least I can fall asleep knowing that of the many crazy things I do constantly, multi-millionaires do crazier things...allegedly.

Recap of the Flavor of Love recap...just kill me now!

I said I wouldn't do this, but I knew I was kidding myself. (Plus Kami forced my hand). So here it is, I have to blog about the FOL reunion show or as BET would call it "A hot ghetto mess".

Ever wonder if Flav spells the girls names so crazily because he cannot actually spell? Grayvee, Bunz, Myammee just to name a few.

Seems like the only time I see Lala is when she is hosting one of these shows, wonder how this is listed on her resume.

Ouch to start it off Ice clowns Flav, then has to mention "I am still working at hooters" hmm, you sure you want to be clowning peeps?

"You aint cute enough to tell a bitch her breath stink" -- Good job Sommore

Damn it Flav, cleaned the dome, I enjoyed making fun of his hair, kind of hard to make fun of a shaved head, since I rock that style.

Ouch, apparently Shy is losing work because peeps think her breath might stink and will not want to work with her...hmm could it be that it was a bad idea to enter Flavor of Love...I would pick only one answer YES!

"I'm not an alcoholic, but I need a drink" uhmm, yeah I am going to say, you are an alki.

Is there really a dude in the crowd wearing a Viking helmet...yup Cali J I will answer that question for you, there is a moron in the crowd wearing a viking helmet, and it is not even Flav.

Interesting that Sinceer added some new chesticles: I wonder if those are to distract peeps from staring at the 5head. I mean I know it is cruel to make fun of someone's physical appearance, but let us keep it real, this woman is vindictive and she is not cute enough to act that way. Oh man, I just paused my DVR to answer the phone and it paused while Sinceer was opening her mouth really wide to argue at someone and the light is also shining on her forehead, it kind of looks like those clips of when an airplane opens up the cargo hold to let in tanks. All shiny and HUGE!

Strange, I always thought that Seezinz was only able to act tough, but for a second I saw a glint of that "I'll cut ya bitch" in her eyes.

Something is up with Black, she is almost looking masculine in the face...I think she might have lost weight and lost a bit of her luster.

This show sucks, (sorry Kami) there better be some great twist coming up, cause right now I am kind of bored, Lala sucks as a host by the way. I meant to say that up top, she sucked, last year, she sucked the year before. I mean come on, how hard is this, these chicks practically do all the work for you, just let them loose and let them roar.

If Thing 2 ever ends up missing, do we have to first suspect Thing 1 (her sister)? Interesting, all the ladies seem to have lost weight...wonder if the whole camera adds 10lbs thing got to them when they went home and saw themselves on TV.

This is trifling, dude how could you have a 7th kid sitting at home but still running around on TV claiming that you are looking for love with umpteen females? Come on Flav I thought better of you. Oh wait a minute (Give me back my computer), for a moment the Cali J was possessed by ridiculousness. Of course Flav would have a newborn at home and run around on TV looking to hook up.

Oh come on, how could any self respecting woman sit there and see 'her man' run around with all these girls and still be cool with 'her man' just coming back to her? Something does not seem like 'reality' here. Flav's woman was just too willing to accept the flaws...then again maybe I just do not know what love is.

I will let Talib Kweli play us out since maybe these lyrics explain it all:
"I don't care what people say
As long as you and me okay
Because I never been in love before
See I used to be a player and
All of this is new to me
And this ain't what I'm used to see
Because I never been in love before"

My final (hopefully) Flavor of Love review! Plus some muppets!

It begins with our hero saying, "This is the final season finale of Flavor of Love" hmm, maybe until Flav needs money? Then again he has a sitcom now...

Ok this is going to be a horrible mixing of classic shows. Everytime I watch and see Thing 2 (and it was the same for when NY was on the show) all I can sing is "Dance your cares away, Worry's for another day. Let the music play, Down at Fraggle Rock. Down at Fraggle Rock" look I know she looks like a muppet, but for some reason those shows are always linked together in my mind - probably because of the Jim Henson ties.

I know you might not believe me when I say she looks like a muppet so your man has come with proof (oh no, I am definitely starting to talk like Flav, I need to crack open a book of Shakespeare). Ok click on this link for a picture of a muppet Now click on this one for a picture of Thing 2. To be honest I was tempted to link both to the muppet, but then they are practically the same thing anyway.

I love the fact that Flav made Black and Sinceer argue it out for a spot to stay...nothing like a fun intelligent cat fight...hahahah (I wrote those words and I am being sarcastic but even as a joke they still look horrible).

Flav takes Black on a helicopter ride, and then INHALES her whole mouth...seriously, what the hell! How could he be this old, and hav kissed this many women and not know that there is no need to swallow her face...or maybe he has the right technique?

Hahah, Flav fell asleep while they are on their date. The young lady is shocked. I cannot understand why she is shocked? Flav is as old as her dad, and it is the afternoon, old people like to SLEEP in the afternoon.

Flav: You banging, but most of all, you banging on the inside...
Black: That meant alot to me cause I know I have a lot to offer, other than my looks?

Yup, you are right, you have the ability to be easily impressed to offer, the ability to not question the fact that you are dating a man that looks like a 5 foot 6 cockroach, a man who just fell asleep on your date.

I feel bad for her right now (and that is hard for me), Flav just demanded that she tell a joke and she drew a blank. Here is the thing, I am a naturally funny guy (and modest too) but everytime someone demands that I tell them a joke I draw a blank. I think I give them a better look than the deer in the headlights look that Black had, but I still draw a blank.

"I am going to end this date with a night cap in my room, will you join me?" I think by now the words are like a legal statement required by VH1 so no one claims any coercion later, but never have I even for a moment expected one of these 'ladies' to say no, that kind of saddens me, it has destroyed my illusion of their chastity. I need a moment, Black is about to be deflowered in the tower (ignore the fact that she already has a 6 year old kid).

Jelaine said that Flav looks like a pimp...and you cannot disagree with that, granted my claiming that he has a 'stable of hos' was a mere confirmation. I know I did not have to put that whole line in, but this is my SHOUT OUT to Jelaine!

Shout out to Kami too, she was one of the first to agree with me re the muppet, as well as be my constant back and forth analyzer re shows. (Sorry Erin no shout out to you tonight, this is not an Idol blog)

Back to the show, Flav and Thing 2 are taking a tour, of Paris, and at one point they pass the police station and VH1 cuts to old footage of flav being taken out of a police station in handcuffs. I bet you do not get this on 'The Bachelor', I can only guess, I have never watched that show, must be too classy for me. Did they just show Flav littering as he exited the tour bus? Yup rewound it, they did, come on dude, you are being taped, have some class. You know, like having sex in the dark with the cameras still in the room.

Hahahah The Door man said "Prince, I love your music, Purple Rain is my favorite album" maybe we all do look alike? Maybe he is just a moron? Maybe Vh1 just put fake words on the screen? Nah, could they really take that chance with so many French speakers in the world? I spoke the barest minimum of french in high school, I guess I could go back on the tape a couple or 20 times and figure out what he said, but I am too lazy for that.

Wow Thing 2, he gives you a watch, and you ask this question: "this is for me, like I can take it and put it on my wrist and it is mine for ever?" Does this chick not get the concept of gifts, or does she not get the concept of a watch? I mean she did ask if it should be put on her wrist!

Are we sure this is Thing 2? How do we know Thing 1 did not lose weight and show up? I mean, when Flav asked her what does she like to do, her response was "I like to eat." I'm not saying, I'm just saying!

OH WOW, Thing 2 just told him "No" re his night-cap! Hell even Flav just said it "No girl has ever said no to a night cap in the history of Flavor of Love" A lesser man than me would go back and remove a few paragraphs in this blog, but I standby them...then again, I am still blogging who knows I might remove my declaration of always knowing what the girls would say to the night-cap offers. After all, who could factor in the reason she gave for not doing the night-cap. Not because it is wrong, not because she wants to wait for the right time, but because she got eliminated once and does not want to fall for him again...uhmm did u not come back to the damn show?

Flav is wearing a crown and all I can think of is "Dunce Cap"

"I hope that my man Flav is smart enough to choose someone with a big heart, instead of bigger boobs" This girl should write for the President.

Oh they are making their last speeches, I am getting choked up right now, ok not really, in fact watching these girls try to give sincere (whew nearly spelled it like the girl's name) speeches is as painful as watching Barbara Walters try to talk about sex.

Quick aside: Barbara Walters is a freak, you know it, I know it, and a certain Black Senator who thought he had her keeping things on the creep knows that we all know it now.

Look anytime a man wears a clock, he is going to look ridiculous but this clock tonight is extra special (like short-bus special)

And of course the gold fronts were presented as a gift. Nothing says love like periodontitis.

Damn I just wrote the title of the blog and now see that the reunion special is coming up next week...

I wonder how Thing 1 is going to handle all of this!

Flav of love 'seezinz' 3 recap vol 1

I was told by a friend (Kami) that I had to blog this week of F.O.L. so here goes.

The show starts off with previously on Flavor of Love and it again shows the mom of one of the girls basically urging her daughter to go after Flav, that is called...BAD PARENTING! We all know I love Flav as a character but if my daughter (hypo) ever came home with someone like him...I have failed as a father!

Seriously this girl has a forehead so huge they could start showing drive through movies on it. Hahahah as soon as I typed this the next clip shows her wearing a bandanna and oh man, it is like watching someone trying to tie a table cloth around a house, yeah a square might be covered but it all cannot be blocked out.

Did France know what it was getting when Flavor Flav showed up? Or did they know, put up a resistance and immediately surrender to the invading force? (Sorry I had to do it) Cot damn I miss Paris.

Watching these 3 girls try to come to decisions by themselves is what I imagine happens when you try to split 2 marbles among 3 spoiled brats.

Hahah, this chick is clearly a moron, you are invited out on a boat by Flav who loves to swim and you wear only the top of a swim suit and not the bottoms?

You know what, seeing Flav without a clock is kind of weird, you get so used to seeing that appendage.

"What the fu@k is a soirée?" Oh gosh girl, please do not open your mouth to speak anymore.

Hahaah the MC at the ball room in French just called Flav "MC HAMMER" (I probably should be offended by this [all look alike and all that] but I find it too funny)

Seriously, if your forehead is too big for you to even have bangs what do you do? Do you audition to be a Klingon and just tell them that u can save them a tonne on makeup?

A thing you have to love about this show, even the sub-titler has a problem trying to type out what these chicks are saying! Sometimes I cannot understand what they are saying so I throw on the subtitles and many a time...that does not help.

Still amazing when any of these girls are surprised that another girl is stabbing them in the back. If I fell into a pit of snakes I would not be shocked if I got bitten.

Listening to Flav and one of the girls try to speak French is an exercise in torture, I am now firmly convinced the French had no idea what they were doing when they let him in.

"The perfect way to end a french lesson is with a french kiss!" Aww that is beautiful girl. Damn Flav truly inhales these girls when he kisses them. It is a crime against nature to see beautiful women on this show. Wait, let me consider this. Would it be better to dilute the Flav gene pool with a hottie or have the Klingon breed with him and keep both of them out of the normal gene pool.

"Your man Flavor Flav has got a problem; I got a psycho stalker, I got a drama queen, I even got a girl who likes to pick fights" And the Cali J has got a headache, you picked these girls, no crying now.

I tend not to put the girls' names in the blogs cause I notice I tend to spell them differently so many times. For instance one of the girls is named after the color she was wearing when Flav met her, Black. But I think Flav spells it Blaque, but I cannot swear to that, it might be Blacque after all it is the mind of Flav.

And now we have the return of Thing 2, I kind of suspected it, it just seemed obvious to me. Hmm you know what she looks a lot like a muppet, I suspect that is why Flav likes her, after all NY looked exactly like Ms. Piggy, maybe that is what Flav is into!

I leave the elimination blank cause, well it just does not matter, plus it gives you a chance to see it for yourself.

Flavor of love recap...for the virgin in you!

Flavor Flav "She said her one on one time with me was like losing her virginity all over again" The first thing that flashed into my mind was "Yeah, painful"

Amazing how easily these girls turn to alcohol, in every show at some pt, when someone is nervous or worried a bottle of alcohol immediately gets drained. This week they had to go on Big Boy's show; now from my little time spent in LA, I remember that Big Boy's show was in the MORNING... Yet while waiting in the lobby one of the girls drains a bottle of Champagne!

Even the show hosts made mention of the fact that she was stinking of booze, at 7.30 in the morning.

Watching one of the girls using a Curling iron on another girl's hair I could not help but thinking 'this cannot be safe, she might snap and attack.'

Hmm one of the girls said she talks to her Grandma 4 times a day, but when Flav asked if she had spoken to her, her response was "Not since on the show" then said there was some family issues...hmm I wonder if it could be "I will never talk to you if you go on that show" I know that would be the issue my family would probably have...of course I am just speculating on the girl's issues (but hey, it is that kind of show)

With a monkey in his lap Flav said "I aint gonna lie but I used to look like him in the 4th grade" I swear the material just writes itself

So as one of the dates there was basically a menagerie in the back yard of the crib. I hate to say it, but damn that was a cool date.

(Oooh update) Turns out my guesses were correct, the chick's family hates that she is on the show! Out of empathy, I hate that she is on the show too. This show should only be for peeps whose families do not care about them or do not care how their family is portrayed. I do not fit in that category and you know what? THAT IS A GREAT THING!

Wow Flav can take a fly suit and ruin it! Let me just state, any and every suit is ruined the minute you attach a clock around your neck!

Flav is getting crazier, and crazier, which is hard to believe but the thing I like is that he still seems sincere (damn it thanks to Flav I nearly misspelled sincere and spelled it the Flavor way 'Sinceer').

UHmm Flav? Since when is France a city? "I am taking my girls to France, the city of love" Maybe we should have someone sit him down and explain to him the difference between Paris and the entire country of France.

Yeah boyeeee!

"She was screaming on the mic just b4 she came here"

The above is how Arsenio Hall (and come on Arsenio you are better than appearing on Flavor of love...aren't you?) described the fact that a contestant allegedly gave her ex some oral (fixation) just before appearing on the 'Reality' show.

Flavor Flav: "Honestly I do not know if I can handle a jealous woman Because I have millions and millions of girls throwing themselves at me"
--Word Flav? Millions of girls throwing themselves at you...man that means that there are millions and millions of crazy girls out there.

I hate myself every week for watching this show, and every week I watch it.

All the girls had their exes show up on this episode. One girl's ex met her on the beach in wait for it...San Diego. Really? That works? I know I am the shy guy but really it just does not seem like the spot to pick up a girl, at least not one for the long term...but what do I know. One of my friends met his girl at a club (where women take their clothes off) and they have been 2gether for FIVE years! I even think they had an Usher moment...you know what that is "Make love in the club."

I love that these girls are shocked that their exes call them out or say bad things about them. Heck that is practically the definition of an ex: Someone who no longer can stand "yo stank ass."

(A quick aside, I just saw a clip of the Bachelor that a friend sent to me (which is ironic since I am watching the Ghetto Bachelor at the same time) in it the Black girl had an 'argument' with one of the other girls. I call her the Black girl because that is how everyone knows her, Black women tend not to make it on the Bachelor and then of course this one went OFF! It is like watching the 'mad' Real World, you just sit there and hope someone will not 'show their ass' but sadly it seems only the crazy ARGUMENTATIVE black peeps make it on. BUT, let us not pretend, no race is exempt, most of the peeps on these shows are just crazy and nasty.) Ok back to your regular scheduled Flav update.

The girl named Tree (she is 6'3") wore a shirt with the stomach cut out and the boobs barely covered, hate to say it because I think big and tall girls need love too, but I think that shirt was made for a shorter woman. Then again it could just be that Flav is just so damn short, the whole date just seemed weird since Flavs head was basically right around the girl's bits!

I swear I know one of the Kats that ended up on this show as an ex Bf. I have to research this, I think he is actually boys with one of my friends.

So one of the girls has a problem with men that drink...ok cool...we all have our issues with things that peeps do...for instance the Cali J has a problem with peeps who smoke, hence I do not date girls that smoke...not telling you not to smoke I am just saying I will not date you, not your issue but mine...so let me see, you claim to know about Flavor Flav and you are shocked that he is drinking excessively? I empathize that your biological father was an alcoholic, but I do not think that you are going to be the one to change Flav! The man is a former crack head, his lips are black from smoke and he has 7 kids, trust me drinking is the least of your worries.

I maintain that the twin action thing is not cute after the age of EIGHT! And come on heifers jumping on the bed of an opponent...really? That cannot be acceptable oh wait a minute what am I saying? You 2 showed up on a reality show as twins trying to date the same man! Of course you are dumb and hoochieriffic!

(Wow Deion Sanders has a reality show now, all I want is to see a shot of his closet, I know it has to be a walk in closet and it will pretty much have suits in all colors of the rainbow, heck that could be a whole episode of the show, Deion modeling suits and peeps calling in to guess the exact color. "I think you are wearing fuchsia" Deion: "caller that was close but I am actually wearing a lilac/lavender blend with a heliotrope liner")

Ok the show is over, I need another shower, despite just showering after the gym, this show is just so damn sleazy.

On the gym note, crazy uncoordinated chick; was it necessary for you to stand right next to me in Cardio Kick Boxing and then kick to the left when the whole class was moving to the right? Thank goodness I had my guard up or I might have been wiping a shoe print of the front of my shorts...when I stopped panting in a squeaky voice.

Stealing from a church is disgusting and other links

I firmly believe that all theft is wrong, but stealing from a church has got to put you in the gutter level. Well how apropos that this moron was stealing a Church's gutter while Easter Service was going on!

No seriously, no one saw Pam Anderson getting divorced...no one!

Bad decade to have the last name Peterson

I still remain in shock that women actively fight to date Flavor Flav, I cannot even bother to recap this week's episode properly. Short form: girl acts whorish, Flav chuckles, flashes gold teeth, ridiculous competition devised, 2 hottest chicks (relative term) win, go on dates, Make out-makeout-make out (gag). Elimination, ugly girl with bad breath booted, new girls brought into the house, realization that TOO MANY CRAZY WOMEN apparently exist in this world.

Sorry this is not a slight against women, cause men do it too, I saw I love NY and Tila Tequila, I am just not trying to date men.

Sheryl Lee Ralph WTH are you doing on Flavor of Love

You are married to a Pennsylvania state senator you are of Jamaican heritage, you are a strong independent woman, heck you are a Dreamgirl! I know you were on there as a motivational speaker but cot damn, I do not want to see you on this show. FOL is a guilty pleasure of mine, and like many guilty pleasures we do not want to see good people involved with it. Please SLR, do not reappear on anything like this ever again.
(side note, Damn girl you are STILL getting it done)/

"A baked potato? Are we in Russia"

I still maintain if a family member of mine ever shows up on Flavor of Love, I will have to disown her!

Elimination tonight was funny, Flav tried to eliminate a girl and could not remember her name...I guess that it is a clear sign that it is time for you to go if the person you are trying to woo cannot even remember your name.

The 'Blackchelor' is BACK!

Tonight was the premiere of Flavor of Love THREE. How is this not a national holiday? I mean come on next week is President's day, the premiere of FOL should be a nationally recognized day of equal importance.

Chick: "I want you to call me Hotlanta"
Flav: "If I get with you your name is going to have to change to Mylanta" (I paraphrased cause honestly following along with Flav is not always the easiest)

They put twins on the show? Come on now, you know Flav is going to be hurt trying to do that math. By the way, what rational person wants to get into a 3some with their sister?

Bunz: "When it comes to the bedroom I will try anything once" --Word chick? Sure that is not a statement for the camera?

I know I say it at the start of every season, but dang, somebody might just 'get cut', I could definitely see someone leaving in an ambulance this season.

"I am taking the girls to the most romanTICAL places in the world" You have to love his use of words, the man is a poet.

At least nobody crapped on the floor in this episode.