It has been a while, so let's do a TV recap - The Bachelor

I know, I know this is a cop out but my friend got me into watching the Bachelor so that we could mock it together so this morning I sent her an email with my recap thoughts and I have decided to share it here. Remember this is from an email, don't judge its grammar syntax etc

Elizabeth YOU SUCK for getting me into this show....

I had a friend watch it with me, because she said she had never watched it before and I told her we could mock it ceaselessly, she did not believe me...until we started watching!

What was up with the kissing lessons thing? I have never in my life asked another man how he kisses girls, and certainly would not ask for lessons. And in fact when in the past we have mocked someone for kissing someone in public, we then did not require them to show us how they did it...or to tell us to put their whole body into it - he knows they were talking about a kiss right? Not a pre-game molestation.

My favorite thing from last night and the thing that caused me to pause my DVR and analyse this show like the Zapruder film was Robyn (and you know how bad I am with names, so the fact that I remember her name shows how much it affected me). I could not believe she tried not one but TWO backflips and I sat up straight laughing when half way through the second she yelps "OH noooooo", I did not even let her get to Sean, I immediately hit the 15 second rewind on the DVR, then I hit it again, then again, then again. My friend says I instantly rewatched it 5 times (I believe her). I then went all the way to when she first exits the limo and started doing play by play like this "See her face just before she turns around, that is the look of determination, on this first flip she is exactly like Alabama, on this second flip she is Notre Dame" (I fear that did not butch up the Bachelor, but at least you know I watched the BCS game). Even after I watched the whole bloody episode, I rewound the whole thing just to get back to her and her "oh nooooo" it made my night.

I cannot believe he immediately gave a rose to the girl that showed up with that super cheesy open heart tattoo. Then he kept the girl who came in IN A WEDDING DRESS. To me none of the black girls are amazing looking, though there were quite a few plain white girls this year too...wonder if they are trying to go with a more-realistic look?

It is probably bad of me that I enjoyed the song sung to him by the crazy girl from Tennessee, I would actually have kept her over a few of the other girls.

Fifty shades of crazy is a stripper right? She has to be a stripper right? Come on say she is a stripper right? That dancing was stripperesque right? Seriously...that girl!

When he gave that first girl the rose, my first thought when she started to walk into the main room was; "Oh no, this girl might actually get shanked". The looks on the girls faces when she walked in made up for the fact that I was actually sitting there watching the Bachelor. (I hate you for getting me into this show btw, I seriously do).

I actually felt it was unfair to him (and yes I know the whole show is pretty much a gimmick) to place the girl with one arm on the show. Yes I know everyone is beautiful (and this girl is gorgeous) but placing her on leaves him in an awkward position...he cannot cut her on the first night right? And then what happens after one of their fake physical challenges, does he have to keep her because she was plucky, when is the safe time to cut her etc? I will deny I ever sent this if she wins it all. But I feel pretty safe right now that she will not win it all.

I thought the Yoga instructor was cute...until I saw her walking barefooted - deal breaker.

Is this going to be the new thing on all these shows; someone from previous shows will be on it? I know I am new to this and you are my Yoda, so is this a thing?

And maybe I should not chuckle but when these girls who have just met the guy and are booted the first night cry as if they have lost their first love I cannot help but think "That is a whole bag of crazy!"