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Tuesday, June 02, 2015

Bachelorette recap or "We've grown very close -- almost too close, I think, at times, in the room and stuff like that, in the shower," - 2 guys

Black Matt invited me to go grab a drink tonight, but put in this line in the message "I do not want to interrupt your blogging" - what has my life come to that an invitation for drinks with a friend comes with them thinking I cannot leave my house on a Monday night?

"An all new dramatic episode of the Bachelorette begins right now" I wonder if Chris Harrison chuckles everytime he records these promos.

We restart with Kupah still going nuts in the continuation from last week. The producers are having a hard time controlling him, he points out that he is the "Black dude that goes home after 3 days"...yeah homie we get it. Kaitlyn (K) goes outside to calm him down, and Kupah switches off the tough guy act instantly...you are S-A-W-F-T dude! "I honestly don't even like her right now homie" is Kupah's attempt to save face when K leaves him - it does not work. So yup this early in the season we had to get the 'angry black man' syndrome and I cannot even blame this one on the show...who am I kidding sure I can - I am going to pretend that the stresses of this show where Kupah felt like he was just the token led to the extreme reaction because of his looking around and thinking "I really am the token" anyone would react badly to that.

The rest of the cocktail party is cancelled and we go to the rose ceremony with the usual boring fake drama but the final rose goes to Tony, the 'healer' what on earth is happening here? The ceremony was so boring I was trying to find out ways to sync my fitbit with my chromebook...this should not be this bloody hard.

Back to the show, a couple of Sumos (one who is the heaviest Japanese person ever, [per the show]) sneak into the guys' house in the morning and start smashing gongs while screaming in Japanese.

The guys on the group dates are told to put on mawashis the traditional gear and the cultural misappropriation begins in earnest.

 The guys nether regions are all constantly being blurred, I guess if the shows can do their damndest to put the women constantly in bikinis, this counts as fair?
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The guys all take their turns against the sumos - Tony enters the ring and warns everyone that they are going to see a fight, his attempts are laughable. But Tony takes it seriously and walks out of the ring pissed off. K goes after him and Tony reasonably (sigh I hate when he does that) points out that every competition so far has had to be about aggression...then goes off on a tangent. K lies to him and tells him that he did not have to do the competition, let's keep it real, if a guy did not do the competition she would not have looked favorably upon him.

JJ then decides to step in and attempt to antagonize Tony, Tony showing more fire than I would have expected from him tells him to get "the [Blurred] away."
By the way for a group date it sure seems like the entire house is involved. Ian attempts to talk Tony off the ledge...trying to so hard to keep another guy in the competition?

K then tells the guys she set up an exhibition for them to show off their newly acquired 'skills'. So the guys roll up on bicycles to the City Walk LA in front of a crowd and Tony does not show up, something K points out (methinks she is not as cool as she pretended to be about it). K gets into a fake match with one of the sumos and of course wins.

The guys go up against each other and Clint a former wrestler easily wins, while taking it all a little too seriously.
Bachelorette sumo wrestling

Cut to the house and Tony is railing again that there is not enough tailored to his likes in the house. Tony has decided to leave but before he does so he wants to explain himself to K so he packs his bags gets in a limo and has it drive him to the evening portion of the group date.

While telling us he is not a quitter, he quits the show...

We see him standing sniffing a flower that he tells K he picked for her. He tells K that "he is easily found" (hint look him up outside of the show) but he is no longer staying on the show.

The rest of the guys get their time with K: JJ and Clint are talking about their respective strategies, JJ says he is going to try to get as much time as he can with K, Clint decides the opposite strategy is the best and he is going to wait for K to seek him out...he does know this is a competition right? K at one point sits down with all the guys, blatantly looks at Clint and he looks away with the "hard to get strategy." Shawn then asks her if he can steal her away and K grasps that lifeline quickly. Shawn's strategy works because he gets the group date rose. Clint in a confessional foolishly points out that K came back for the rose and had the opportunity to talk to him for a couple minutes. Shawn gets the rose and the first kiss. ONE.

K points out to Clint that she felt his attitude to her was a problem. Clint tells us that he is enjoying alot of relationships with the guys "JJ in particular...he is a sweetheart."

Next day we pretend that Chris Harrison (CH) has planned the date and not the Bachelorette's producers, K and Ben Z are both at the mercy of CH. So much of this is ridiculous, I am supposed to believe that CH who has spent less time with the guys than K and the producers, knew which guy was best to pick for a one on one date? For the date CH wants the couple to go into a mystery room find a code and use the code to escape 'The Basement A live Escape Room Experience' - just before entering K tells us that her big fear is birds, so of course as soon as the door opens birds fly out.

But wait, what is this disclaimer at the bottom of my screen? "The animals and insects have been added and are not normally part of this experience" there is a great moment where it actually looks like Ben Z is looking down and reading that text...he is not but it sure looks that way.

Basically it is an enhanced interactive horror house experience, which commands them to kiss (TWO). As they find more and more clues they attempt to figure out the way to escape the room, they have 45 minutes before 'gas is emitted.' One of the rooms has snakes I would have to get gassed because Cali J does not do snakes, no way, no how. They get all the clues together and of course the code is R-O-S-E-S and of course they get it done with the clock counting down to 1 second left!

Evening portion of the date; and Ben tells the story of his mom's death and how he regrets not crying at her death, he claims to not have cried in 11 years...I haven't cried in a longer time it does not make you abnormal (I really hope it does not make you abnormal). Ben gets the rose.

I really am amused by the ads during this show, even with a DVR I catch myself stopping for a few ads...like the Purina ad that now looks like they have mind control for older dogs built into their dog food, or CH auditioning for the movie Spy!

Group date #2:
The guys go to school and they are going to teach a group of child actors about sex ed, would parents really sign off on this show teaching their kids about reproduction and puberty? How can the guys not see that this has to be rigged? K says "Sex and physical chemistry with somebody is a huge part of a relationship" so why not have your partner talk to little kids about it?

Cut to the house - and the Clint and JJ bromance is blossoming, they sit on the couch holding hands in wrestling moves with JJ's shorts blurred, and they apparently shower together.
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Back to the classroom and the guys are stuttering as the kids pepper them with questions - how can the guys not get that these kids are fake? K eventually admits what we all already knew, the kids are child actors.


Night portion:
Ben H gets a kiss and then increases the cheesy factor by dipping K. (THREE)

Cut to the house and Clint is letting us know that he has fallen for JJ more than K (The promos for tonight would have you believe it was a gay relationship) but when Clint says he has fallen in love with a man you can see him fighting the smirk. Yes it is an extremely close relationship for 2 straight men to have, but it is not a close enough relationship for 2 gay men to have, it is just a bromance!


Back to the date and Jared gets a kiss by pointing out that he got beaten up in a boxing ring last week. (FOUR)
Ben H gets the rose, Jared looks like someone just punched him in the head again.

Cocktail party time:
The guys who didn't have dates think they will have a shot at going for K first...Suckers! As soon as she walks in Clint immediately takes her aside, but he is doing this so that he can remain in the house - to spend more time with JJ. Clint gets a kiss (FIVE) but tells us that he did it all for JJ, who he immediately goes and compliments. He and JJ start to compare notes on K while watching her kiss Justin (SIX). "Villains gotta vill" is now Clint's catch phrase.

JJ carries on a running narrative in the confessional about how much he is running the show while we get clips of all the other guys telling K how bad JJ and Clint have been to her. Clint keeps expressing confidence to all the guys while the guys have been telling K that he is a snake...and we are going to be continued.

The blooper reel features everyone commenting on one of Joe's testicles hanging outside of the mawashi all day.


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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.