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Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Bachelorette review where "you got Knocked the F out"

I came home today from Vegas and I am hurting...
On top of that my cable was down for some reason (yes my bill is paid) thankfully rebooting the box took care of that, but not before I started planning which friend's home I might have to head to so that I could see this terribly stupidly horribly addicting show before my 'friends' spoil it for me tomorrow. I would tell you more about the Vegas weekend but what happens there...

A quick hit; after last week's "This season on" promo there was a tonne of Slut-shaming of Kaitlyn (K) and then shaming of the slut-shamers. Can we slow down on both camps? A. the show always makes the edit on those promos look worse/better than you would expect and B. let's cross that bridge when it comes, can we wait till we actually know what happened before we raise righteous indignation in both camps?

Tonight's show starts with us pretending that K is just getting out of bed, mysteriously she already has makeup on...and seems like she is wearing way too much clothing.

For now all the guys are chummy, toasting each other and sharing secrets. We cut to Britt crying (nothing new) in her hotel room and talking to her mom...I listened to a podcast with Britt and K (I swear I do not seek out Bach material, it was just part of my regular sports podcast network) Britt mentioned that she does cry alot then admitted that she is not a regular shower-er and takes 'bird baths.' - that is nasty. Brady the songwriter who walked off the rose ceremony to go and meet Britt is knocking on her door, Britt is not a good enough actress to act surprised to see him.

It's group date time:
JJ - Former investment Banker: Does that just mean unemployed? Claims none of the guys are a challenge.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT KFC AD? Colonel Sanders is back and looking like he still owns slaves, did they just have a Dixie land band of all white children play the ad off? I am so confused and a bit creeped out.

The group date is a boxing event, we have Laila Ali training K (who is in a sexy gym outfit - like a typical boxer) and the guys.
"we have decided boxing is a super fun and non-dangerous date idea!" (Photo: ABC)
Kupah is so focused on training he forgets to hang out and flirt with K, to the point that K forgot he was on the date.
We get the slow mo walk and dramatic music for the guys entrances to the main area infront of a crowd of ladies.

The first fight is Ben Z vs Daniel, there is a 30lb weight difference, yet Daniel holds his own fairly well for a man that outmatched. Most of these fights are brawls, there is no sweet science here. Ben Z is mowing through his competition and Jared is the surprise challenger in the final - this is now a 50lb weight difference, the only thing shocking about this fight is that Jared was able to remember his name at the end of the episode, he takes some brutal (if not well thrown) punches and is knocked down, but to his credit not out! The show pretends to be concerned about him - if they had been, there is no way this fight would have happened.

K tells us her biggest fear going into the date was someone getting hurt...but yet they did it! Apparently I was not the only one annoyed/bothered by this, E texted me after the show to announce her displeasure with this hypocrisy. Jared took such a beating that he is not available for the evening portion. K pretends that she is concerned about Jared but instead slobbers over the victor Ben Z. K talks to Ben Z first, to the victor goes the spoils and Ben immediately plays the sympathy card, telling K about his mom passing away when he was 14, I know it was/is sad for him, but that was at least 10 years ago, I am sure the story could have waited a bit!

In the middle of the dates K gets a mysterious note "Come downstairs right now, I need to see you." Turns out it was from Jared who gets some alone time with K and gets in the first kiss of the episode ONE! K for all of our mocking of Farmer Chris last season is very enthusiastic about her kisses.

Cut to the house Clint gets the first one on one date card...JJ remains "completely unfazed."

Ben gets the group date rose, playing the dead-card seems to have worked, I still find it gross.

One on One date:
Clint is the guy who drew the image of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops and charmed K on the first night. For their date they are going to do an underwater photo shoot. In order to get 'ready' for the photo shoot the photo conceptualist requires that Clint and K connect spiritually; they combine stretches with staring into each others eyes and hands over hearts.

Back to the house and the healer is telling us that fighting for K in the boxing match was ridiculous, I agree with him, he then goes off on tangents about nature etc and we part ways.

K and Clint take some underwater photos, and then kiss underwater TWO.

Back to the house, the healer is asking one of the other guys for advice on K but accidentally calls her Britt, I think he might be a fan of 'self medicating.'

Clint gets the one on one rose...K says a lot of things which are just precursors to kissing, she goes in for the kill...I still love you K.

E sent me this and asked if it is a nipple on his neck...I cannot unsee it

WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!! (Photo: ABC)
2nd group date and Amy Schumer shows up to show us that the power of self promotion and money over comes all...this is the type of show she should be skewering not being on, but then again I write about it soooooo yeah! The guys are put on the spot to immediately tell a joke, I feel nothing but empathy for them, (I think I am a pretty funny guy but I hate being told to tell jokes) having to come up with a joke on the spot is difficult.

JJ claims his pick up line is to tell girls that he has a kid and lives with his parents...see above re 'Former.' Amy Schumer schools JJ so bad, but he is too obnoxiously self absorbed to realize that he has been burned.

The guys are actually not bad overall as a group until Tony the healer, who takes the mic and tries to inspire the audience through his words - he left the stage looking like a crime scene. JJ mocks Tony in his set, he is trying hard to be the villain of this season or they could just be editing him this way, after all it would be hard to NOT mock Tony if you followed him to the stage. Every time Tony talks all the guys roll their eyes, JJ just rolls his twice. Tony keeps telling us that he has been training for this (the show? falling in love? drinking?) his whole life. On his one and one he decides to tell K that he really wanted Britt, but tells K that she has impressed him and that she is like a combination lock he does some very creepy motions in the air with his fingers.
the stuff of nightmares. (Photo: ABC)

JJ wins a kiss on his one on one time by bringing up his daughter THREE. K "thank you for doing that." She really really really loves kissing. JJ "I would put 50 grand on my winning the rose tonight" Just as he says that we see Joe making out with K outside FOUR! JJ wins the rose but...betting money like that is probably why you are a former Investment banker'.

The guys have a gentleman's agreement that the men who didn't have time to go on dates with K would get first crack at her...JJ immediately ignores that and takes K away from the group for alone time despite having a rose that means he is safe. JJ returns to the group pea-cocking and declaring "sorry I am not sorry," to the camera he says "More than anything right now I'm feeling just smugness wrapped inside of cockiness, wrapped inside of confidence..." So my question above re whether it was the edit or his desire to look like the bad guy has been answered.

Ian tells K about the car accident that took him out and nearly ended his hope of ever walking much less running again, the personal story of course leads to yup you guessed it FIVE!!!

JJ keeps prodding Tony trying to get him to crack and go home. Kupah says out loud something I thought they might edit out, he notes that he does not just want to be the "minority guy that fills a quota." The JJ strain is getting to him and he starts to question K in a way that is a little too aggressive, questioning her, saying silly things like he does not think there is a connection between them...K responds "To be honest I actually felt a connection up until right now."

I don't want to give JJ too much credit but I do think his needling of Kupah put him in the dumb head space that caused that terrible conversation...BUT, he compounds it, after K tells him that she is going to need some time to think about the conversation they were having he loudly starts to tell the other guys about what happened and stupidly editoralizes it out loud with his impressions, unfortunately for him K is just around the corner and can hear everything he is saying, including his mockery (I should point out, he appears to be drinking heavily at this point) so she tells him he needs to go home immediately no need to wait for a rose ceremony. His exit interview is boisterous and leads us to a "to be continued."

All show they have been teasing a blossoming relationship with Brady and Britt, he asks her to be his girl and she says yes Kiss count SIX (does this one count?).
 The promos for that moment were longer than the actual product shown.
 Oh well, at least Britt continues to do her part to help Cali through our current drought.

Can we stop getting the 'to be continued' bad edits?

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.