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Tuesday, May 19, 2015

The Bachelorette recap, feminism gets set back and decency gets patted on the fanny

Sometimes my friends tease me about my sexuality and my masculinity, especially on the nights or days I discuss the Bachelor/Bachelorette properties, the jokes do not bother me in the least, I am secure in myself and the teasing often comes from the weak minded who cannot find more inventive ways to mock me. BUT, on nights like this, nights like this I definitely give them fodder. Not only was I tricked by two young ladies into not going to see the Avengers movie, I instead saw PITCH PERFECT 2; on the same night that I loudly declared that I could not wait to see the Bachelorette (Ratchette); on the same day that a young lady was mocking my decision to walk a mile to the store to get a couple new tubs of ice cream so that I would have something good to eat while watching the 'Ratchette' yup, these are the nights I make it easy. But as the young ladies said "At least you redeemed yourself" when I jump started their car without having to look it up on the internet like a MACHO MACHO MACHO MAN!!! Yeah buddy, CaliJ is Back!

Let's get to the Ratchette premiere there will be 2 days of this Ratchet Mess so please, pace yourself, make sure you have enough ice cream and coconut water and most importantly turn your snark detectors up high!
(oh and because I know you are curious, I have 2 scoops each of Caramel praline and Butter Pecan and 1 scoop of french vanilla in a salad bowl...I earned it, I caused electricity to flow)

What does Chris Harrison do during the 'off season' does he just randomly walk into rooms and repeat obvious things to keep his skills sharp? Does he go to kids' parties count the candles on the cake and announce "Ladies and gentlemen there are 5 candles on the cake, this means that little Jimmy will be turning 5 today."

Before we get into the meat of the show: I guess no more than two black guys, if any.
Chris tells us that part of the reason we have 2 women to be treated like meat tonight is because ABC interviewed the men and they could not decide on which woman to have as the main Ratchette.
“How did this happen? Well, when we were interviewing the men who wanted to come on the show, they were truly divided as to which girl they thought they could fall in love with,” Harrison said. “Since the feelings were so strongly split, it seemed unfair to make that decision for the men. Instead, we thought it would be best to have the men meet both women, and then have them decide whether Britt and Kaitlyn should ultimately become the bachelorette.” I wonder if they do this for the Bachelor (I need an insulting term for that for gender equality the Ratchelor does not seem as fun but maybe it will grow on me)...I doubt that seriously, this is sexist and gross (and I am still going to watch it). I would probably take much of this back if they do it when the Ratchelor premiers next season but still there is something mean about having a person rejected once on national TV and then immediately do it to them again by having a group of men/women say "we prefer the other person."

We start with THE BLACK GUY, (light skinned) did ABC hear all the backlash from people looking at the 'cast' line up and figure, lets just show him first, I was with him right up until he said his preference would be Britt! He has a 5 year old son, I now want to know if this will come up alot this season, wait who am I kidding no black guy lasts long into the season.

There is a former law student that is allegedly studying for the bar, I say allegedly because his back story has him working as a stripper (hey we all gotta pay bills) and then obviously appearing on this show. NO ONE STUDYING FOR THE BAR CAN BE ON THIS SHOW...that is a fact, not opinion.
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We have a guy that might be black...? I was leaning to just swarthy, but then he ran track, which is of course a stereotype, but its this show, sooooo I just do not know. I feel like a producer saw him and thought 'ambiguous enough race and he runs? This will work.'
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Some of these jobs...
Look I hate being an elitist, I do not think I should judge the jobs of others, I live my life by the Mantra "I never judge I ridicule" BUT, Healer is NOT A JOB damn it, that is NOT A JOB.
Here he is with his plants...

I know you are as shocked as I am that it was not weed

The ladies arrive and my crush on Kaitlyn resumes, I still think Britt is an actress looking to use this to jump start her career not her love life.
They are forced to stand side by (not quite) side
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 The black guy (yes I know I should learn his name) zeroes in on Britt and apparently Britt is feeling him. Most of the guys are going directly to Britt, it feels foolish to me, I think I would stand in the middle and ask them both to converge on me or ask them if I could flip a coin or do a group hug or something because 'picking one' seems risky especially if the other one becomes the Ratchette. Watching Kaitlyn come close to tears as guy after guy goes to Britt strengthens my belief that this is cruel (I hope I would feel the same if it was all going the other way too).

JJ is listed as 'Former Investment Banker' I am bloody curious as to 'Former' he then tells Kaitlyn while pulling out a Hockey puck and playing on her Canadian status "I would love to puck you."

As more and more guys start going towards Kaitlyn she is loosening up.

The Law Student/Exotic dancer gets out of the limo and starts I am sure you guessed it STRIPPING, I really hate that he has the word Law attached anywhere to him. Kaitlyn immediately lets us know that Britt can have him...not a great strategy dude.
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Britt expresses jealousy that some of the guys have brought gifts for Kaitlyn then we immediately cut to a guy handing her a package of tissues because she was the crying girl last season. I agree with Britt, reminding her and the world that she was the crying girl was not very smooth, the guy might not have meant any malice behind it, but it was definitely not smooth. Kaitlyn seeing the package asks "what is that, soap or tissues?" I really hope she is making a reference to the fact that last season we were told that Britt NEVER showers.

Kaitlyn takes a break from the Cattle Call line up and runs inside to say hi to the gathered guys, Britt claims it is disrespectful and that Kaitlyn is not playing by the rules.
(I just had to put my phone on 'Do not disturb' I am getting texts from multiple friends asking me about the show and potentially providing spoilers...I need to reexamine my life)

A guy named Ryan (Who dated Bachelor Juan Pablo's winner Nikki, soak that in ) has gotten sauced - he keeps declaring "I am horned up" I really hope he is not suggesting that he is horny, one would would hope that he was smarter than that...he does not seem like he is.


Another guy pulls up in a hot tub car (completely filled with water 'the Carpool Deville') to which Ryan loudly declared "That car sucks" the ladies are horrified by Ryan's outburst especially since both loved the hot tub car. By the way the guy in the hot tub car is an "Amateur Sex Coach"...yeah
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We have gotten to the gimmick vehicle portion of the night, the next guy rolls up in a cupcake bike/car/whatever.


The black guy says out loud while trying to figure out the logistics of the situation with choosing between both ladies "Or maybe... we will have to move to Utah or something like that and have a dual wedding."

Kaitlyn starts with a joke and Britt starts with an emotional appeal...sigh. So many of the guys (the simple ones) are amazed by Britt's 'sincerity'.

Some of the guys are fairly smooth in their approaches in their one on ones, including a guy who pulls out a portrait frame with the portrait hidden and tells Kaitlyn that he drew it while hoping "this person would be on" the show; he tells Kaitlyn "No disrespect" which of course leads her to guess it is going to be Britt, he reveals the portrait and it is of course...Chris Harrison riding a triceratops - well done sir.
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As Chris is explaining to the guys that the voting room is now open and the guys can vote the 'Healer' gets up while the trio is still up there and goes to the voting room, he claims the energy coming off of Britt's Box (cue juvenile laughter) lets him know that he has to vote Britt, I claim this man might actually be homeless and crazy.
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I hate that I kind of like these boxes
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A guy asks Kaitlyn about her bird tattoos and she points out that Chris S all of last season never once asked her about her tattoos hate to say it girl but he was "just not that into you."

Drunk Ryan "Is this the gay Bachelor?" He is quickly becoming the guy that may lose his job after this show. [If he has a job] The Amateur Sex Coach pulls him aside to ask Ryan why he yelled at him about his car, Ryan does not remember doing it, he then becomes a bit more aggressive but nothing 'good' happens.

A few of the guys had to rescue the girls from Ryan, he gets more than a little handsy, slapping Kaitlyn on the buttocks, holding Britt's head, calling the girls "a couple hos" outside of their presence. He then gets all the way down to his skivvies and enters the pool he then stumbles around the house in his skivvies bumping into things, falling and doing the most sacrilegious thing in the Bach/ house disrespecting throwing a rose.
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 When a guy confronts him and asks why his shirt is off (a perfectly reasonable question) Ryan responds with "Why am I not raping you right now?" Seriously that is a response you give to anyone any time?
Kupah (I am going to say he is black) points out that Ryan may have bad motivations to go to the house and become "drunk, or hammer or white boy wasted...you are not setting yourself up to have a long term stay here."

A security guard comes for Ryan and tells him that Chris Harrison would like to talk to him outside. Chris tells Ryan that he is clearly not here for any of the girls so he has to leave, that seems to sober him up just slightly enough for him to mutter a "sorry" but that is it, his time is done.

Turns out the guy with the tissues was trying to be mean to Britt...not cool dude (and I say this as a person who likes Kaitlyn more).

Chris lets us know the votes are in and a security guy gets some shine time,

ABC News Videos | ABC Entertainment News
 so many of the guys are loudly declaring who they voted for, it seems foolish to me to do such a thing, none of these guys are your friends and when the next day arrives they will snitch to the girl you didn't vote for.
We of course do not find out who the girl is because...we have another night to fill.
In the bloopers we see the amateur sex coach telling Britt about his job, she is cracking up as he continues to explain that he has not worked "with 2 humans" so because he has not yet worked with anyone yet, he is not going to try to teach others...AMATEUR
BUT he did give some great advice - "When you get those anal toys, just make sure they don't get stuck in your bowels."

Bonus -
The Clorox 'bleachable' moment:



Ryan was passed out for part of the evening



1 comment:

Blogger said...

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.