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Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Bachelorette recap or, the worst thing to ever happen at the Alamo?

We pick up where we left off with Ian finding multiple ways to call Kaitlyn (K) a 'ho' and 'beneath him'. Ian decides to tell us that "what I am is pretty deep." He continues to tell K that she is superficial while I stare at the balding top of his head. K tells Ian that "I am super offended by you" and he continues to chip away at her. Ian claims that he is not trying to offend K...come on son you allegedly went to an Ivy league, you have to know that you are offending a woman. I think Ian was/is hoping that by 'dissing' K he would come across as 'the man' someone who parties (because let's be honest so many of the peeps on this show are hoping to be offered hosting gigs) and speaking engagements will remember and hire.

If you did not know Ian went to Princeton, he repeats it constantly, this is the worst recruiting material for the school (*not like the school needs help recruiting but there is the impression that it produces elitist douches). In the going away interview Ian again states that he would make an awesome Bachelor (he is wrong) and that girls would come out of the woodwork for him - I suspect those girls would all be subsequently dissed by him.

The guys all sit around wondering how K is feeling, Nick is the only one smart enough to check up on her. While I might think Nick is slimy and not in this 'for the right reasons' (couldn't resist) he from his first season and again on this one, plays 'the game' very well. Finally poor man's Ryan Gosling decides that another guy should go check in on K and he happens upon K and Nick loudly kissing (kiss count ONE).

K in a confessional tells us that intimacy is an important part of any relationship and she is not ashamed of that, I appreciate and applaud that. I keep a kiss count each episode not because I am 'slut shaming' (note I started it during a Bachelor season) but because I think it is funny just how many people get kissed and I am still waiting for that magical episode where everyone gets kissed, prior to the final 4 episode where that is easier to bat a 1000.

Obvious Man Chris Harrison from the GREAT state of Texas lets us know that it is an incredibly difficult time for K and lets us know that we are at the Alamo, followed by the group standing in front of...come on I know you guessed it - THE ALAMO.

Chris the dentist is wearing a jacket that he took from the 'Death to Smoochy' collection and the show uses him to do all the bad puns and analogies, 'the show is like the wild west' to get a rose 'I would pull my own tooth'.
Tanner gets the final rose and the moment was spoiled for me by E who texted me earlier to ask "Have you ever known anyone named Tanner that wasn't on the Bachelor/ette?" once it came down to the final 3 it became obvious who was staying...yes E I am calling you out ;) And the answer to her question is No!

While Joshua is fighting tears in his exit interview (with his terrible hair cut that K butchered) he has the bad moment of hearing the remaining guys cheering for the announcement that the group is going to Ireland.

We zoom across to Ireland and just to make sure you know we get Irish jigs and a tonne of B roll, K tells us that coming to Ireland has always been on her bucket list; coming off of San Antonio being on her bucket list I really want to see just how long that list is, it must come with an index.

Nick gets the one on one date and says it is the luck of the Irish! Shawn looks like he wants to murder him and he didn't even have to sit through that corny line like we had to. We get to see more of K's fear of birds, pity she seems immune to jackasses. Like every country visit these groups go on, on every season, they just 'randomly' happen to come upon people performing in the streets...and just happen to be of all the peeps in the crowd, invited to join! Nick buys them both rings and K seems to think it counts as marriage.

The evening portion of the date is about to occur, but first lets check back in the guys awkwardly sitting around waiting for the date card; Ben H reads it and I weep for the American education system. Half way through this show, we are still on the first date with three dates to go, no way does this show end without the over used 'to be continued'.
On the date K and Nick have a bunch of inane chatter that is apparently sexy? K reaches for the rose that we knew was coming from the moment he got the date but the voice over lets us know that "Nick just makes me feel like a woman, a desired woman." K invites Nick back to her room - she claims that with Nick she "forget there are cameras...there are people involved with this." Yet, when Nick lifts her up for a kiss she murmurs "cameras are still going." By the way, this all started in a Catholic church...the desecration of church grounds week after week continues!

Nick and K are in the hotel suite, and K tells us that she does not want the night to end...we get to see Nick's hand slightly up her skirt. K takes him into the bedroom and we continue to hear the loud kisses while we cut back to Jared and Shawn lamenting that Nick is even on the show. We are presented with a locked bedroom door and windows but mics that are still on so we get to know that Nick wants "to know every part of" K. My closed captioning helpfully tells me that 'Sheets [are] rustling' and 'Kaitlyn moaning' 'Heavy Breathing' 'Kissing continues' if you are not watching this show with closed caption on you are missing half this show's comedy factor - thank me later.

We come back from commercial and I kid you not this CHEESY ASS show starts the segment with video of BIRDS and then...BEES! We see K on the balcony looking perturbed while Nick takes the walk of shame (Stride of Pride). K asks the cameras "Has this ever happened before?...I do not want this to be an issue...I'm trying to think if...Chris and Britt did have sex, what I would have done." She says she is not sorry about the act, no need to be, she is just worried about the consequences. Nick joins the other guys and cannot stop goofy smiling. He is blatantly trying to tell Joshua that he had sex with K. The other guys come in so Nick repeats it to the other guys and says "yeah it was intimate, it was really personal..." This is all why we see K on the balcony still stressing that Nick will tell the other guys what happened - did she not see Nick telling the world that he had sex with Andi?

Group date:
OMCH tells the boys that K is dead, he is a terrible actor, the group date is to pretend that they are at an Irish wake. K is also a terrible actress at pretending to be dead. So we had Irish jigs in the street, a dinner date in a Catholic church and now a mock Irish wake if the group starts a drunken brawl I will say this show has hit all the stereotypes. The guys give mock toasts to K Chris the Cupcake decides to sing...shocking. Ben Z clears the room for his toast and then K reminds us that Ben Z's mom passed away when he was young and she does her usual move of after causing pain saying "I didn't mean for this to be hard on anyone, I just wanted to keep this lighthearted." Like Jared he kisses her on the forehead (I do not count those in the kiss counts...if your gam gam can do it to you, I cannot count it). Oh look its a preview of Britt showing her guy Brady to her mom.

Evening portion;
They visit a Guinness facility - the guys are starting to do the math and realizing how important that rose is for getting towards the end. Jared in his one on one time is clearly looking around to see if the other guys are looking before leaning in for his kiss (TWO). Shawn shows K pictures of his family that earns him a kiss (THREE). Jared wins the rose, like Shawn I have no idea why. Jared gets more alone time with K and The Cranberries give them a private show...I feel bad for them...The Cranberries that is.

Shawn has gone missing from the group and we find him talking to someone from the crew he tells him that K has told him "you're it" and lets us know that he and K spent time talking for 6-7 hours in his bed. Apparently his parents went through a terrible divorce and thus he is not exactly built for a show like this. We see Shawn heading back to the hotel and going to K's room, she immediately starts stressing out that Shawn knows about what happened with we get a lot of crying in the confessional and yup you guessed it "TO BE CONTINUED."
It looks like next week instead of a Kiss count we are going to have to have a Cry Count!

Back to Britt, Brady and her mom. Britt's mom tells her that she thinks Brady is sweet "and a great new friend" Britt is worried that her mom using the word 'friend' means that Brady is just in the friend zone. Which is of course something she tells the camera rather than just asking her mom!

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.