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Monday, July 06, 2015

Bachelorette recap or, let us lead you to the edge of this cliff, but please do not jump

Tonight I am watching and my guest Michelle is watching it with me though I feel like she is more watching to mock me...I should not really watch a show that makes me embarrassed to have other people see it.

We return to Shawn 'freaking' Kaitlyn out by staring at her longingly but not telling her anything with human words. They kiss which immediately kicks our kiss count into gear (ONE).

The morning portion shows Shawn sitting on steps looking contemplatively into the distance and Tanner and Nick gossiping about him in the distance...they laugh about his crying over K.

The 2 on one date is JJ and Joe and Michelle questioning me about watching this show!

Joe tells K that he is falling for her and that he does not usually fall this quickly - they kiss (TWO).

JJ tells K that he lost much in his life, his wife, his kid "everything" because he cheated on his wife - they kiss (THREE).

K tells JJ that she does not see a future with him and she wants him to go home to his beautiful daughter. But wait, there is a twist, Joe does not actually get the rose, K tells him that she needs more time to get to know him, so they continue the date, sailing off into the distance. Cut back to Shawn  (aka Ryan Schnozling) moping around lamenting that K is going on dates with other guys on the dating show he signed up for. K smooches Joe a bit more and he scores the rose.

Joe returns to the room and the guys ask him about the date, he tell them that he might be falling in love with K and this causes the Schnoz to get up and walk out of the room. He feels compelled to head to K's room to talk to her - K is in a confessional telling us that she is feeling exhausted in every way possible. A producer whispers to her that Shawn is on his way up to her room and K looks exasperated and rolls her eyes but it turns out she is more worried than annoyed.

She remains afraid that Shawn knows about her and Nick's coitus and is coming to confront her about it he takes for ever to tell her that when K told him off camera that "you are the one" he took it to mean the competition was over. K comes to realize that his brand of crazy might be too much for her. She hints that she is getting tired of having to reassure the Schnoz repeatedly.

Lo and behold we have a Rose Ceremony:
At the cocktail party K mentions that she is very nervous and that she has been making mistakes, this leaves the guys without roses so far jittery. Many of the guys are trying to figure out if they did anything to set K off kilter, the Schnoz is confident that it was because of his talk. Ben Z steals K away off first and gets a kiss (FOUR), I am starting to think we might get the perfect score of a 100% kiss rate tonight.
Ben H is next, come on son, screw the crap conversation and go for the kiss...HE DOES IMMEDIATELY (FIVE)...the dream is still alive. Ben H should have stuck to the kissing because he immediately starts snitching on himself and the Schnoz. Ben tells K that he knows she gave the Schnoz some type of reassurance. This leads to K crying and saying that she is sorry she ever did it.

Cut back to the guys all looking nervous and Nick the Dick still talking out loud about having a rose and feeling safe yet feigning nervousness. He points out to the others that he has spent the most time with her that week. In his alone time with her he tells K that he is really nervous and we already know K is too, come on this is not the type of convo someone with a kiss count wants to hear. K tells Nick that she had a great time with him but she is concerned that he would talk about the coitus to the other guys.

Nick tells K that he has not told any one about the intimate details of their date...but he sure does hint it! As K starts to get serious with him, he leans in and begs her for a kiss (SIX). His strategy seems to work since K claims that he was "so sincere" tonight.

The Schnoz sits down with K and gets maudlin, K tells him that she needs to take a step back from reassuring him constantly, I take the time to draw a map for Michelle to find her way to department stores.

Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) shows up to 'counsel' K about her rose ceremony...he gives her no advice.
3 roses are on the table and Shawn's heart is on the floor. The kiss streak is in jeopardy, we did not see any alone time with Chris (the cupcake-car dentist) or Tanner. Chris however gets a rose so the potential remains in him for the rose. The streak is dead, maybe next week we will get the 100% kiss rate - Shawn gets the final rose, so Tanner has to go, along with Ben Z.

The gang is all off to Killarney most on a big bus, Jared gets to ride in a mini with K as part of their date. Turns out that K might not be the best driver in the world...In the bus the Schnoz is snoring up a storm, while K and Jared go off to see the Blarney Stone and to kiss it for luck (SIX.5 - hey the stone got more than Tanner). Jared gets to go back to K's room with her and make out in her bed (SEVEN).

Chris' cheeses it up by telling us that Killarney looks like his soul.

OMCH shows up at K's room to fulfill his contractual obligation to pretend that he cares about K's decision making processes. He throws a curve ball, this time unlike other seasons (because why keep the show consistent) K will cut the group down to 3 rather than 4 men - they will then go on the fantasy suite dates and then only 2 will have home town dates. OMCH sells it as a fairness issue, "that way everyone will have off-camera time" with K, I just think the budget has been slashed and the show does not want to spend the money to go to multiple home towns. Or they really just want her to sleep with as many guys as possible...

Chris gets the one on one date:
The promo of Bachelor in Paradise has Claire 'talking' to a raccoon, I cannot wait for how ratchet that show is going to be!
The helicopter budget takes off (yup I did it) and they go for a helicopter tour. They go to the Cliffs of Moher. They spread a picnic at the edge of a cliff and Chris gets a kiss (EIGHT, bloody Tanner, you would have made it 100%) there is not enough time left in this show for anything but the dreaded 'to be continued'.

K begins to cry and telling Chris that even though he has positive check marks in many respects she does not want to lead him on. She says "it feels like there is something wrong with me, because you are everything I want in somebody...but I just don't feel like I fully see it, and I don't know why." She tells him she has to let him go, K's kisses are quickly becoming kisses of death. She walks off to go and cry and I immediately think, she is going to fly off without him and she does! This show is so quickly turning her into a villain.

Chris says that he does not think K is ready to find someone yet (okay so maybe Ian had some legit points when he insulted her, but he was still a dick in the way he did it.) We see Chris near the edge of a cliff bawling his eyes out, while a producer watches him warily and even takes a step towards him when it seems like he might take a walk over the edge...a small female producer, if she had tried to stop him they would both have gone over the edge.

The blooper reel has K teaching Jared how to drive stick, he is not terrible for his first time...

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.