Sean and Catherine get 'Bachelor Married' and I cry inside

We are told it is the most romantic television event of the year, easy enough claim since we are in the first month of the year! I do not think I am going to last through this unless I heavily use the DVR fast forward (Ffwd) options.

Catherine claims that since they are on a road trip she will have Sean’s undivided attention so that she can give him wedding information and go over plans…her plan is to have a “grown sexy and whimsical” wedding – I think those 2 things do not go together, but what do I know, I am just a lawyer.

They are going to live separately in Dallas until the wedding, E warned me that there was a Honeymoon Suite Cam, but wow it is extra creepy seeing it pop up on the screen. There is footage of Sean and Catherine having their first night in their separate apartments (that look rapidly well-furnished from the empty spots I saw 2 minutes ago).

I am switching to S and C, I am too lazy to spell out their names. S’s family seems a little too polished. They ask S’s dad to be the officiant for the wedding, and he starts crying. S and C go off to a swing that mysteriously already had a camera perfectly positioned in front of it – not staged at all.

Zipping through this show, every time they cut to Chris Harrison, or the ‘live’ camera at the wedding I just skip forward (no need to see ex Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants milling around, and I think I saw Neil Lane and Andy Dick). C tells her wedding planner that she wants ‘grown sexy’ which leaves the wedding planner confused, which at least lets me think she is a normal person. The wedding planner asks a question that I would probably fire my wedding planner for asking “are you and S still waiting to have sex?” No way is that something you should ask someone.

S asks C to explain what grown sexy is, and she says “Robin Thicke”, I like him as much as the next person but yeesh is that what we are now using for wedding planning? C goes dress shopping, and I have put the remote on mild fast forward that way I can see the dresses but I do not have to listen to the comments, I wish I had this option in real life when I go dress shopping with girls I am dating.

 

S, goes shopping for lingerie and this just looks and feels awkward. S admits that he has never gone lingerie shopping before – shocking. Is this normally done? Do grooms buy lingerie for the wife’s wedding night attire? Isn’t this something that she would break out on her own? And…why do you want all of American to know what your wife is going to be rocking when the door is locked? Then again, when you have a honeymoon suite cam – nothing is probably sacred.

S and C go to a cake shop and decorate a cake…it feels like a cheesy Bachelor date episode, the cake looks terrible. They go on an evening date and S presents C with the lingerie and C describes it as “Fancy icing for my body and I cannot wait to wear it when I am S’s wife”. Just have to point out – I HATE ICING.

I think I skipped past a prayer circle for the groomsmen, but no way do I go back, I already hate myself for watching any of this, not extending it. Flower selection time, I am taking a peek and then hitting FFwd. C is going to get her hair done by Jose Eber.

C is doing Boudoir photos and claims that they are only going to be for S, but of course she takes her bridesmaid along and the camera crew.

S gives C the wedding rings and we have the Neil Lane boxes featured. I am quickly remembering how boring S was as a Bachelor, not as bad as Juan Pablo, but eh.

The couple sits down with Chris Harrison and I miss all of it because I was too busy with twitter, I cannot imagine it was a good interview, I do know they did it in the honeymoon suite…not weird at all.

Because the wedding is in Santa Barbara and they keep emphasizing that fact, I half expect Sean Spencer and Gus to pop up out of nowhere.

Ffwd through all the processions to the bride’s entrance, C looks beautiful, but instead of ‘Here comes the bride’ they have an instrumental of Michael Jackson’s ‘Human nature’. I cannot sit through the ceremony; I can barely do it for weddings of people I care about. Thanks to E, I knew when to pause for the vows, though still nearly missed them thanks to really putting the Ffwd into overdrive.

The best man does some ring gimmick, it wasn’t funny, the whole thing is terrible, E has my undying hate for making me watch this, I am at this point just watching hoping to see a mistake. I am now only slowing the DVR for moments that look like people are laughing or an accident has occurred, so yup only stopped for the kiss. Terribly boring TV wedding (which I guess makes it a real wedding). Do we follow them into the honeymoon suite? Will that be shown tomorrow on the Bachelor?

 

 

I am writing my Best Man speech SEVEN MONTHS in advance

Because I suspect it will take at least six months to sanitize and edit it down for public hearing.

And yup...someone was crazy enough to make me their best man.

I am honoured, humbled and eagerly looking forward to shocking!

One week ago I accidentally crashed a wedding...Congratulations Karina and Justtini

"Hey what are you doing here?" Those were the words of my friend who invited me to meet him at a party in Pasadena...turns out the party was actually a wedding, and it ended up with me being on the wedding party shuttle and heading to the wedding hotel to kick it with the bridal party.

Some quick things, ladies if you are going to crash a wedding party and end up in one of the hotel rooms drinking and eating you should at least be cute...I refuse to say the same for guys, because well, I clearly crashed too; but mine was an accident. Those 2 girls knew what they were coming up to.

A purity ring is just weird. I completely respect the position it advocates, after all I am the Stone Cold, but it is just weird to see. Especially weird when the person wearing it is over 18. What is funny though is that I still do not see/notice rings of any sort. My friend's wife had to point it out to me...I wonder why she thought I needed to be made aware of that.

Hmm seems like a great time for a song break, some of the lyrics
"I might let you touch me
I might let you hold me
I might even let you kiss me
But you can not take my virginity"

So yeah, I really do not get the point of Purity rings.

1. Because, if you are wearing one because of your parents, aren't you going to keep wearing it when you are no longer 'pure' for the sake of keeping up appearances? After all if you broke their trust by having sex, then you will hide the truth. 
2. If you are wearing it because you are part of a 'purity' circle, what happens when you slip? (I know do not make the easy joke of he/she fell on it). Do you keep the ring on to remain a part of the circle?
3. If you are wearing it solely as a personal choice, do you take it off when you first get some? Because at that moment doesn't everyone around you immediately know that you smooshed? 

To me Virginity is a personal thing (not actually a fan of the word Purity but for the sake of the ring discussion I used it) [and yes I know it is automatically personal since you cannot lose it without (well you know the science behind it)] not something that anyone needs to broadcast or confirm to anyone with or without the use of a ring. Just because I choose to run around with the sometimes used nickname Stone Cold does not mean I would ever think anyone should actually declare their status. I have similar feelings on people being forced in or out of the closet, or having to declare sexuality, but that is for another blog.

So yeah, the wedding blog has dissolved into a discussion of virginity...on the plus side the Bride wore white...on the further plus side: Who doesn't wear white? Didn't Kendra wear white? Didn't Coco wear white? Isn't Kim Kardashian going to wear white? No one really cares anymore so why are purity rings still worn? I cannot remember the last time I saw a Livestrong bracelet, the next one I see will be as shocking as every time I see a Purity ring.  


WHOA WHOA WHOA I want to note here, I am not tying Karina in with the V-club discussion, or with any of those hoochies above. Karina is a splendid girl, salt of the earth type, her wedding just happened to be where I met the Purity ring and the 2 girls that should really never crash another wedding after party ever again.


Karina and Justtini were super cool, very nice of them to welcome me in and not be mad that I suddenly showed up. The other cool moment was realizing that Karina actually reads my blog...much love to her for that. So here goes a shout out.

HEY KARINA THIS LINE IS JUST FOR YOU!


By the way, every black guy in America, who lives in a predominantly white or Asian area should definitely watch this, because it makes walking into a party when there are only 2 of you so much fun. Yes I am talking to you 'Black' Greg. My homie 'White' Greg knows and loves the scene, so next time I yell at you across a party bus "what the hell are you doing in here, I am supposed to be the only black guy here" you do not look so confused:

Love the dialogue. 


Ending the week; worked out 6 of 7 days, ate cookies 3 of 7. Only demolished  2 tubs of ice cream this week...not too bad a diet. Oh and burned off 3lbs of the excess poundage I put on in the last month. Just need to get my arms bigger than Yau's now.

Congratulations....

Maryam and Joe

First Saturday in September...

Yes it is 24 days to my birthday, but more importantly it is the unofficial start of College Football.

I know some games were played on Thursday but the First Saturday in September is almost like Christmas to me.

Weird day though, I have my good friend's wedding today. His wedding 'kicksoff' right around the same time that Texas starts its march to the National title.

Love my peeps to death, but if you know me YOU KNOW I will be tracking that game throughout the ceremony. Thankfully we are playing a cream-puff team so I have no fear of having to track a Texas comeback and screaming out "yes" in excitement...since with my luck it would be right at the moment that the question is asked "Does anyone here have any objections?"

CONGRATS AGAIN JOE and thanks for not having your wedding during TEXAS/OU weekend.