Sean and Catherine get 'Bachelor Married' and I cry inside

We are told it is the most romantic television event of the year, easy enough claim since we are in the first month of the year! I do not think I am going to last through this unless I heavily use the DVR fast forward (Ffwd) options.

Catherine claims that since they are on a road trip she will have Sean’s undivided attention so that she can give him wedding information and go over plans…her plan is to have a “grown sexy and whimsical” wedding – I think those 2 things do not go together, but what do I know, I am just a lawyer.

They are going to live separately in Dallas until the wedding, E warned me that there was a Honeymoon Suite Cam, but wow it is extra creepy seeing it pop up on the screen. There is footage of Sean and Catherine having their first night in their separate apartments (that look rapidly well-furnished from the empty spots I saw 2 minutes ago).

I am switching to S and C, I am too lazy to spell out their names. S’s family seems a little too polished. They ask S’s dad to be the officiant for the wedding, and he starts crying. S and C go off to a swing that mysteriously already had a camera perfectly positioned in front of it – not staged at all.

Zipping through this show, every time they cut to Chris Harrison, or the ‘live’ camera at the wedding I just skip forward (no need to see ex Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants milling around, and I think I saw Neil Lane and Andy Dick). C tells her wedding planner that she wants ‘grown sexy’ which leaves the wedding planner confused, which at least lets me think she is a normal person. The wedding planner asks a question that I would probably fire my wedding planner for asking “are you and S still waiting to have sex?” No way is that something you should ask someone.

S asks C to explain what grown sexy is, and she says “Robin Thicke”, I like him as much as the next person but yeesh is that what we are now using for wedding planning? C goes dress shopping, and I have put the remote on mild fast forward that way I can see the dresses but I do not have to listen to the comments, I wish I had this option in real life when I go dress shopping with girls I am dating.

 

S, goes shopping for lingerie and this just looks and feels awkward. S admits that he has never gone lingerie shopping before – shocking. Is this normally done? Do grooms buy lingerie for the wife’s wedding night attire? Isn’t this something that she would break out on her own? And…why do you want all of American to know what your wife is going to be rocking when the door is locked? Then again, when you have a honeymoon suite cam – nothing is probably sacred.

S and C go to a cake shop and decorate a cake…it feels like a cheesy Bachelor date episode, the cake looks terrible. They go on an evening date and S presents C with the lingerie and C describes it as “Fancy icing for my body and I cannot wait to wear it when I am S’s wife”. Just have to point out – I HATE ICING.

I think I skipped past a prayer circle for the groomsmen, but no way do I go back, I already hate myself for watching any of this, not extending it. Flower selection time, I am taking a peek and then hitting FFwd. C is going to get her hair done by Jose Eber.

C is doing Boudoir photos and claims that they are only going to be for S, but of course she takes her bridesmaid along and the camera crew.

S gives C the wedding rings and we have the Neil Lane boxes featured. I am quickly remembering how boring S was as a Bachelor, not as bad as Juan Pablo, but eh.

The couple sits down with Chris Harrison and I miss all of it because I was too busy with twitter, I cannot imagine it was a good interview, I do know they did it in the honeymoon suite…not weird at all.

Because the wedding is in Santa Barbara and they keep emphasizing that fact, I half expect Sean Spencer and Gus to pop up out of nowhere.

Ffwd through all the processions to the bride’s entrance, C looks beautiful, but instead of ‘Here comes the bride’ they have an instrumental of Michael Jackson’s ‘Human nature’. I cannot sit through the ceremony; I can barely do it for weddings of people I care about. Thanks to E, I knew when to pause for the vows, though still nearly missed them thanks to really putting the Ffwd into overdrive.

The best man does some ring gimmick, it wasn’t funny, the whole thing is terrible, E has my undying hate for making me watch this, I am at this point just watching hoping to see a mistake. I am now only slowing the DVR for moments that look like people are laughing or an accident has occurred, so yup only stopped for the kiss. Terribly boring TV wedding (which I guess makes it a real wedding). Do we follow them into the honeymoon suite? Will that be shown tomorrow on the Bachelor?