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Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Bachelor, Episode 3 or "how I learned to listen to my publicist and immediately recant Homophobic Statements"

The Bachelor begins and all I can think of are these comments from Juan P. Maybe you shouldn’t be on a show where you attempt to date dozens of women at once and then try to take a moral high ground. One of the girls mentions that a lot of people have found love on the show…I think she is confused.

JP takes Cassandra on the first 1 on 1, she is 21 and has a child by an NBA player (I feel like all of this is relevant). They take an amphibious car touring "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 3: Kicking Ballsand then jump off a yacht right after her confessional has her saying “I think I am just going to jump in with him (she was talking about love)” nice timing editors. "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 3: Kicking Balls

I do not know how old JP is, but he seems too old for Cassandra, or she seems too young for him, not sure which way in the equation, but it feels wrong. She talks like a young girl would – which makes sense since she is TWENTY ONE!! She says “I haven’t had a first date since I was 18 years old” constantly, I guess when you are that young those things matter a lot.

JP mentions that he thinks a lot about whether to keep Cassandra because she has her child back home, but he gives her a rose and in the immediate confessional “the last time I thought this way about a guy was 3 years ago”.

Group Date time

The B roll shows JP playing around with some of the LA galaxy players; he talks about it as I he could have been a member of the team – eh. The girls on the group date come out and they practice football with JP (I hate the word soccer). They are split into teams and as always the girls get aggressive towards each other, Sharleen took a tonne of hits from the ball. "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 3: Kicking Balls
Seriously a tonne, "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 3: Kicking BallsThe red team is destroying the blue team so JP joins the blue team…they still lose. And Sharleen takes a hit
"The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 3: Kicking Balls

JP makes out with Andi the ADA in the concessions area of the stadium, never eating there again.
"The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 3: Kicking BallsJP spreads a picnic blanket for he and Sharleen on the field, and the other girls get to watch it happen.
"The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 3: Kicking BallsAndi who thought the rose was hers now worries – since last week’s photo shoot I have really stopped caring about Andi’s feelings. Seriously look at that Sharleen kiss is weird, just weird.

Another 1 on 1 date this time with Chelsie, they start in the car with some music and Chelsie starts dancing way too aggressively for the song "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 3: Kicking Balls, probably to try to impress JP that she is into the music. We cut back to the house and Elise (27 years old) is again calling Chelsie a baby (24 years old), just as I get to that point, E texts me how much she hates the constant harping on her age/maturity…guess it got to someone else too. I found it funny that Elise was saying a lot of this to Cassandra who is younger than Chelsie. As with every season of the Bachelor, there is an ‘extreme’ sport date, this week they are tandem bungee jumping. Like a normal person (at least in my eyes) Chelsie is extremely nervous about jumping from the bridge. "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 3: Kicking BallsThe bungee instructor is a little too broey/broish/broesque (how on earth does one type that someone is too much of a bro in a single word?) for me. When you are tying a rope to me and asking me to leap from a high place I need more reassurance than a “YEAH” and a high five.

They have a very boring dinner. She gets the rose. JP then says “I have a pretty cool surprise for her” as if A. He is the one that set up the musical act and B. like this has not happened on every date for the last few seasons. Chelsie claims that it is a song she sings on the radio all the time…for once I think I recognize the song, but I definitely as usual did not recognize the performer.

JP sneaks into the house to make the girls breakfast, the dog lover (again that is her title) tries to sneak past him to walk her dog because her grandma said to her “never let a man see you without your face on”. ..way to teach her priorities gam gam!"The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 3: Kicking Balls
JP announces that he wants to cancel the cocktail party in favor of a pool party – smart man, he has already seen all the girls in dresses, but this way he gets to see all the ladies in bikinis. "The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 3: Kicking BallsThe other girls begin to hate on Kat because she is aggressively stealing time with JP to the point that a girl calls her a whore."The Bachelor" GIF Recap Week 3: Kicking Balls

Sharleen breaks down crying with JP which gets her a kiss; and triggers whispering amongst the girls. Just like last week, another girl breaks down in the bathroom and another girl goes in to comfort her – WHY? Why comfort your competition? I think its Renee the one who slid under the bathroom stall to comfort the breakdown last week. She really, really does not understand the premise of this show.
My computer crashed and I lost much of the recap I wrote so I take it as a sign and just conclude with this:
Boring Rose Ceremony - Lucy, and Christy get sent home, I thought Lucy was safe for a few weeks just based on previews and initial camera time but I was wrong, apparently 'free spirit' does not grab JP as a career choice.
The 'Bachelor Wedding Special' for Sean and Catherine is next week and I am sorely afraid that E will make me watch it...that is Royal Rumble Sunday, a man has to have priorities damn it!

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.