Fresh off the bat I get to relive how much I love DVR –
without it I would have to sit through the 2 minute filler known as “coming up
on the Bachelor” why? Why do I need a primer for the show I am already
watching? The only problem is that I am watching this on standard definition
because I have so many programs recording at the same time that I only have the
SD option available since HD is occupied on THREE other channels…yup I watch
that much TV that I have 4 recordings going at once while watching previously
recorded TV on my fifth channel…I need help – plus I watch the Bachelor so I
definitely need help.
The girl for the one on one date is amazed that there is a
fake snow date in LA in winter. We cut to the other girls talking in the hot
tub and Lucy is topless (did you know she is supposedly dating the creator of
snapchat?). 
Juan P (JP) and Clair are now in a hot tub and she tells him the
requisite sob story [boring date] she gets the rose. And we get the standard
music suddenly playing and the couple having to go see it and it turns out a ‘star’
is playing a private concert for them (I do not know who the singer is, they
said his name and I still do not know). Just once I would love to randomly see
a rapper as the song guest, I know it is not romantic, but it would be much
funnier.
Kat is up next for a 1 on 1 date - she compares her first
dance with someone like “your first kiss with someone” I must be dancing wrong…They
board a private jet and Kat does that dumb confessional where the girl acts like
this would be their life forever if they got together. Juan P and Kat put on
neon glowing clothes 
and they end up at the Utah SLC leg of the Electric Run, I
keep thinking, what if this poor girl cannot run? It looks like a good time and
a fun date but still there is not much ‘tv fun’ to it.
and they end up at the Utah SLC leg of the Electric Run, I
keep thinking, what if this poor girl cannot run? It looks like a good time and
a fun date but still there is not much ‘tv fun’ to it. 
So we cut back to the
girls getting date cards. Kat and JP go on the main stage for the Electric run,
I cannot judge their dancing because let’s be honest, its EDM it is a lot of
jumping wiggling and flashing lights.
13 girls go on the group date:
Lucy flashes the camera when she explains that she will not
be able to get his attention in her usual way. A few of these girls are
teachers (or educators as they are listed – hmm?) this would worry me if any of
them taught my imaginary children. The group date is a photo shoot for ‘Models
n Mutts’ I absolutely need a screen shot of the moronic creative director that
has a blue beard. 
2 of the girls are given card board signs to use as their
outfits one is the first grade teacher and the other the Assistant District
Attorney…if she goes through with this I will be embarrassed for our whole
profession – and we cut to commercial (they run that idiotic Silk Almond milk
ad where they pretend it tastes better than regular milk).
Andi the ADA is freaking out about the sign as an outfit, the
first grade teacher smartly goes and switches outfits with Lucy, who we then
see walking her dog outside completely nude…
Andi watches the other girls pose
with JP in outfits. JP walks up to her and tells her the photo shoot will be
okay because he is going to be dressed like her, “we will both be naked”. This
is breaking down her walls? Look woman, let me explain something to you, JP is
a reality ‘star’ you are allegedly an ADA in Chicago – we are members of a
conservative profession, if you lose your job over this, I am not going to shed
a single tear. This is completely a choice on your part, no one forced you to
do this move. 
Andi watches the other girls pose
with JP in outfits. JP walks up to her and tells her the photo shoot will be
okay because he is going to be dressed like her, “we will both be naked”. This
is breaking down her walls? Look woman, let me explain something to you, JP is
a reality ‘star’ you are allegedly an ADA in Chicago – we are members of a
conservative profession, if you lose your job over this, I am not going to shed
a single tear. This is completely a choice on your part, no one forced you to
do this move.
Renee one of the girls gets a bit of one and one time on the
group date and is really embarrassingly fishing for a kiss. Victoria gets sloppy
on the date and says my favorite drunk girl phrase “HEY GIRL HEY” she tells us
what life is about “straddling people and things” no seriously she said this.
Victoria gets in the hot tub alone – I love this girl “whose leg do I have to
hump around her to get some one on one time?” 
Renee goes to check up on
Victoria who has locked herself in the bathroom and actually crawls under the
bathroom door to get to her.
I never understand why these girls fight so hard
to help their competition. Victoria is arguing with a producer or a PA that she
wants to go home they will not immediately acquiesce to her demands so she runs
back to the bathroom. And again sits on the bare floor…of a PUBLIC BATHROOM.
Lucy interrupts another girl’s date to tell JP to check up on Victoria so he goes
to the restroom. Victoria refuses to talk to him. He patiently waits a lot longer
than I would – Remember there are 13 other girls on this date, no way do I wait
for the ‘crazy one’.
Victoria gets in the hot tub alone – I love this girl “whose leg do I have to
hump around her to get some one on one time?” Renee goes to check up on
Victoria who has locked herself in the bathroom and actually crawls under the
bathroom door to get to her. I never understand why these girls fight so hard
to help their competition. Victoria is arguing with a producer or a PA that she
wants to go home they will not immediately acquiesce to her demands so she runs
back to the bathroom. And again sits on the bare floor…of a PUBLIC BATHROOM.
Lucy interrupts another girl’s date to tell JP to check up on Victoria so he goes
to the restroom. Victoria refuses to talk to him. He patiently waits a lot longer
than I would – Remember there are 13 other girls on this date, no way do I wait
for the ‘crazy one’.
Kelly the ‘Dog Lover’ (yup that is her listed profession)
gets the group date rose. I know it might be because of the title but I keep
thinking she looks a little bit like a Pomeranian. The girls are all amazed at
how ‘well JP handles the situation’ with Victoria, they are so easily impressed
– really girls the guy dating all of you with a tonne of options handles a
non-entity issue with grace? Of course he does, it is no sweat off his back.
JP goes to talk to Victoria the next morning, he cuts her
loose but does it gently.
The rose ceremony approaches, Amy the reporter goes into
reporter mode including ‘reporter voice’ and conducts a fake interview, she
keeps it going so long I begin to think it is a defense mechanism. So strange
to see all these people talk about their kids and yet leave them for extended
periods, I am not a parent, not going to try to put myself in their place. I
just feel like I could not ever leave my kid this long unless it was to provide
a better future, like via a job and of course I think these girls treat this
show like a job. Yeah yeah blah blah, chance for TRUE love.
The rose ceremony happens, and the ‘local news reporter’
gets cut and the shocker, the black girl – E and I were convinced the producers
would keep her around for a couple weeks just to fight the Bachelor stereotype.
Well Chantel lives in my city, might have to look her up. I think the reporter
got cut because that whole interview thing was just too weird.
gifs from http://www.buzzfeed.com/toddb17/the-bachelor-gif-recap-week-2-too-much-to-drink-dhd4
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