Corona lockdown leads to Glazed chicken tenders, deep fried asparagus and candied peppers

So I have been sharing food photos with my friends because I said to them, I will eat only restaurant quality

meals during the corona/covid-19 shutdowns. A few have asked me for recipes/how to and others have told me what part of my anatomy I should stick hot implements because they are in a different state and cannot swing by to pick up food...see pic for how we do our food pickups with social distancing.

This is my normal casual when I feel like blog so do not expect consistency and do not expect cooking school like directions, I will just try to keep you mildly entertained and hopefully keep you from burning down your home. I am not going to pretend like you have as much stuff in your kitchen as I do, I do not expect the average person to have 3 different food thermometers, 5 spatulas, 4 sets of tongs, 5 cast iron pots, 2 wire racks, 2 waffle irons etc. etc. etc. and I SHOULD NOT HAVE ALL THIS EITHER, though I am not giving up my milk frother I do not care that I do not drink coffee, it is still bloody cool to use.

For this dish break out your cast iron, a bottle of oil, regular flour, tapioca flour or cornstarch (if you don’t have them don’t worry, but they definitely help to crisp it up), some bread crumbs, find that bottle of beer that you know you are never going to drink because Jason brought it over and he knows you hate that brand and he drank all your good stuff and left his crappy beer, an egg, some baking soda (most would use powder but I am sure you have some baking soda somewhere) salt, pepper (use the packets you grabbed from Burger King) some paprika and onion powder or if you have all purpose seasoning or poultry seasoning just use that in place of everything from the part that said salt.

Hopefully you have some sweet peppers, if you do for these guys you will need some white vinegar, a splash of balsamic (you can ignore this I am just sometimes bourgeois) sugar, and some granulated garlic or fresh chopped or more realistically some garlic powder. 

I know you probably bought some asparagus at the start of the panic saying "I am going to eat healthy" well do not worry about the fact that sucker is getting dried out, we are going to flash fry it so you will not even notice that you probably should have thrown it out a week ago. And for this recipe I am hoping you went to a Korean grocery store and at some point bought a box of ssamjang, if you didn't this still works we can swap hot sauce and chili powder etc. (NO PURISTS I AM NOT SAYING THEY ARE THE SAME, I am saying it is a shut down so if you do not have this very specific item swap with what you have).

Let's do the easiest thing first: Candied sweet peppers:

I really do not measure some of these thing so I am giving your guestimates but the joy of this type of cooking is that mixture-mistakes lead to happy accidents

1.     Cut up about 5 mini sweet peppers (enough to cover a frying pan)

2.     Put about 2 tablespoons sugar in a frying pan, pour in about a ¼ cup white vinegar and a splash of balsamic, then sprinkle in some garlic,

3.     put the heat on medium and shake pan to dissolve sugar,

4.     as soon as the sugar dissolves lower the heat and drop in all the peppers shake or stir, let that simmer for about 15 minutes stirring very occasionally – I just let it go as I fry the chicken. Cook till most of the liquid disappears

I would assume if you bought asparagus you know how to prep it for cooking but just in case, wash thoroughly, discard any droopy/soft stems and trim the bottom ends, let drain.

I used about 3lbs of chicken breast cut into strips, you can buy tenders if you want, but really a sharp knife and a cutting board and you get tenders in 2 minutes from three breasts but hey do you money bags if you go the tenders route. 

Sprinkle some seasoning on chicken, (you know salt etc.) you do not need too much because the ssamjang is very salty. In a mixing bowl add enough ssamjang so that every piece of chicken is showing a bit of red (if hot sauce use less). Add about a ¼ cup of milk to 'stretch' the sauce to all the pieces and let the chicken sit in it for at least an hour – I know you guys are slow at cooking so cut the breasts first then marinate them as you prep the other stuff, by the time the other stuff is done you will have time for this. If you marinate for only 15 minutes it will still work.

Batter/cooking:

This part is easy even though batters scare people,

All measurements are to eyeball, get a large bowl

1.     Take about 1 cup flour, half cup tapioca/cornstarch (if you do not have these then it is 1.5 cups flour I am sure you can figure out the math, the starch just makes the chicken crispier).

2.     Sprinkle in some seasoning

3.     Half cup beer just pour it in

4.     ¼ cup milk (you are actually going to get this from the marinating chicken it will add the flavor to the batter and you are deep frying this so don't panic with the "but it is from raw chicken" if you are going to deep fry the raw chicken then guess what, the batter will be cooked to oblivion too)

5.     1 egg (beat in in the same container "aint nobody got time for" a lot of dishes)

6.     On a cutting board or sizeable plate sprinkle about 2 cups of bread crumbs – honestly I do not know I always have to add more so I am just telling you a lot from now.

7.     Mix steps 1-5 up to the point of a runny paste, if too liquidy add more starch, if too thick add some more beer (so maybe don't drink the left over beer till you finish making the batter)

8.     Drop chicken in batter, if you had a large enough bowl you can put all the pieces in there at once (Hint – make sure you have a large enough bowl) stir to coat every piece

9.     Take pieces of battered chicken and dredge in the bread crumbs

10.  Let dredged pieces sit for a few minutes to let the breading adhere

11.  While the chicken sits roll the asparagus spheres in the batter and roll them in the remaining bread crumbs, these do not have to be coated like the chicken you are just making them a bit crunchy.

12.  Deep Fry the chicken in batches (I feel like every recipe says this so I just wanted to say it too) with your oil on medium (375 degrees) look just make it so that when you drop the pieces in they start to crisp slowly rather than immediately turning black or staying pale white. Easy tips, have about a half inch of oil in the pan, layer your pieces in circles starting from the edge of the pan so that you will then easily remember which pieces went in first thus which you should turn first and take out first. 

13.  Fry to a golden brown about 2 minutes per side, rookies will tell you to drain on paper towels, pros will tell you drain on a wire rack…become a pro -  get a wire rack it is great for everything from cookies to fried food to breads.

14.  Fry the asparagus and drain that too.

15.  Okay I normally make my own bbq sauce and another time I will share that but for now for this one you can just mix a ¼ cup ssamjang with 2 cups of bbq sauce and warm in a sauce pan, if using hot sauce go 2.25 cups bbq with 2 tablespoons hot sauce.

16.  Swirl the fried chicken pieces quickly in the warmed sauce, do not let them sit in it, you are just coating them, sprinkle the sauced up chicken with the crystalized/candied peppers, they add a nice colour pop and tang to the crispy chicken and asparagus. 

17.  And voila you now have a fun non-bland meal that really only took you about 15-20 minutes of actual work to make

Making Pasta this week and explaining my lack of fancy...

I have previously expounded on my lack of cheese sophistication in other posts but since it has been months since I posted anything, allow me an indulgence...

Once upon a time I was a little boy in the greatest country ever created; Jamaica from the Arawak word Xaymaca meaning Land of Wood and Water, we were an agrarian and Tourist based economy so fancy cheeses were unknown. So unknown that for many a year I thought that only 3 (2.5 if you look closely) cheeses existed – they were Cheddar (White or Yellow) and Pizza Cheese (which I learned was mozzarella if of quality but really is more often this guy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pizza_cheese [btw that is disgusting and makes me want to reconsider pizza]) and that was it.


Then I came to the Home of the Brave and the Land of the Free (economy) and realized that there are a tonne of cheeses available I mean seriously you guys have CHEESE shops, shops dedicated to just cheese! You go out to restaurants and order 'cheese boards'. Really CHEESE BOARDS? That is considered a meal, I am still amazed. You quite literally can run the gamut from A to Z in Cheeses, American, Asiago and Anari to Ziger, Zumelle and Zuvi. Well this Thursday I am making pasta and I am making it the way all good Jamaicans make it WITH CHEDDAR as the main cheese. A slight concession to my years in America is that I will make a 4-cheese pasta sauce to add to it (I have become Americanized and soft) but the main cheese will be a good hearty Cheddar grated by hand with the wrong grater setting like a real yard man (Jamaican living outside of the homeland).

Exes, birthdays, oysters and suits

Whew have not blogged in awhile. Went to ex-gf’s birthday party tonight and it was bloody funny seeing who was there and who more significantly was NOT there.

I love my ex and I think we get along well, which I think sometimes leads me to teasing her unmercifully. I think I get along well with most of her friends (the ones that ‘may’ not like me are just plain evil) and so while they all tend to be doctors and invariably tend to fall into the habit of talking about work, I enjoy myself.

Part of what I really enjoyed tonight was watching the dynamic of the group. There were some girls there that football announcers would in their best hype-voice announce as “THESE GIRLS PLAIN DON’T LIKE EACH OTHER”. To their credit, everyone was very respectful of each other…I felt a momentary flash of guilt for wanting to see a cat-fight: Hope that does not make me sexist/misogynistic. A great part of my night was talking to one girl that clearly did not like the next girl, then immediately talk to the next girl. I felt like I was both Federer and Nadal, serving and volleying with ease. If I did not respect my ex so much I might have tried to stoke the fires, but as it was I was content with just playful teasing of her friends.

I am kind of like that horrible movie (I think the name is Good Luck Chuck,) girls would get with the lead character and immediately afterwards get with the guy of their dreams. I have been checking up on my exes and they are ALL locked down. Of course we are also of the age where many tend to get locked down but I still am shocked when peeps come out to dinner and they are married. I still do not look for rings, but I am noticing them more… Anyway kind of the point of this is, I went on a pseudo-date with a young lady, whom I thought was ‘single’ and the very next day, actually later that night, I saw her Facebook post exalting the fact that her hubby was back…uh OH? Hahahah, this is how guys who are being gentlemen (nice treatment etc) can get themselves in trouble. Oh well, at least we had a fun time.
Ladies, please do not use me to make your boyfriend’s jealous. In fact, let us narrow it down more, do not use my voice to make your bf’s jealous. DO NOT have me talk in the background while you are on the phone with him to make him realize that other guys will take you out. I am on vacation, I am here to have fun, of course if you call me I will go out with you, it is your responsibility to warn me in advance that you have a man.

Why are oysters so bloody cheap here, and so bloody expensive in the States? A dozen for the equivalent of $2.25US should worry me…instead I cannot get enough of them. You would think that with tourists dying here of food poisoning I would slow down on speculative food choices, but instead I am devouring fish, peppa-shrimp, lobster, oysters, sushi, and having all my beef products cooked medium rare. Maybe subconsciously I am just hoping to get just slightly sick enough to lose some weight the hard but fast way – I have to fit the 2 damn suits that I stupidly had taken in just before coming on vacation (one of my dumbest clothing choices ever). I am going to a wedding in Vegas 1 bloody day after I come back in from Vegas; I should probably just budget for buying a new suit in that single day and having it rush tailored.

Oh speaking of suits, bought a pretty decent grey suit while here…actually my Dad presented me with the suit, but I love the connections, English tailor, selling me an Italian suit, which is mass marketed in China, sold to me in Jamaica and on its way to America.

Since this blog has exes involved; to another ex…sorry re your friends. Anger makes me mean; thank goodness they were not in front of me!

My Neighbour and I are trying to kill ourselves!

He is trying to cut weight for a tourney and I am just trying to cut weight. Take today for instance. He ran 3 miles in the morning, I ran (really walked) 2 miles, we then both later in the day did an Insanity Dvd workout and played a set of Tennis (which of course includes the warm up.

So you would think that would end it, but noooo, I remembered at about quarter to midnight that I really needed to get groceries that were on special and I had made a pact to myself that I was not driving to the store anymore since it was so close. So I had to put on my plimsolls and set off in a jog so I could make the one mile journey rapidly.

The main problem is that, being the crazy kid I am, with all the working out, I ended up eating, a tonne of ham, steamed veggies, then baked pasta, blueberries, butterscotch cookies, 3 bowls of ice cream, some pumpkin seeds, and then a ham sandwich...yup, you try running with that junk in your stomach. So the trip to the store was agonizingly slow. And since I just jumped up from the couch and set off running I was basically wearing a shirt that should just stay in the house!

Thankfully at midnight, there are not that many people in the grocery store so really my hotness meter did not take too severe a hit. But, on to the reason why I ran to the store, I have a few holiday parties that I am cooking for, so I needed to get chicken and when chicken breasts are $3 off per lb, you kind of want to take advantage of the sale (even if it ends at midnight and it is 15 minutes to).

The problem with not driving to a store and then loading up on products sold by the lb is that you then have to WALK BACK HOME. So at midnight in a shirt that should be hidden, and with 3 grocery bags with 30lbs of chicken (not very evenly distributed) I had to walk home. A cop car pulled up and stopped near me at one point (not for me) but I was sorely tempted to request a lift, but really no smart man enters a cop car unless he has to! Especially when you are my complexion and in Hermosa. For much of the trip I was thinking, "Man I really wish I had worn a jacket" and "Damn, I really wish plastic bags had better handles" those suckers really cut into your hand when carrying heavy objects.

So here is hoping that I will some day learn some portion control but till that day, looks like I will be back to crazy work outs and crazy binges.

At least I know I can look forward to some Amazing Jerk chicken on Sunday

Eating my sorrows away vol 232.2342

May post pix later if I feel like.

Just a pat on the back, how cool am I type blog today.

Expected company, but my company was so busy that when they called and sounded dead tired on the phone I told them to not drive into town, even though I really wanted to see them (back pat)

I was asked if it was no big deal and I assured it was not (back pat)

But really I am torn up inside since I actually put in some serious effort today to try to impress since I have not been the best person the last few weeks (back pat for effort, knife in back for being a bad person)

I cleaned house, vacuumed everything in sight and purchased booze that was liked by friend (back pat)

Then I cooked. (back pat and that is before I even get to what I did)

I bought a fresh pineapple and peeled it so that the meal would be filled with fresh ingredients (back pat)

I deboned then cut up 3 whole chicken breasts into slivers no larger than 2 inches in length and no thicker than 2 mms so that they can flash fry in less than a minute (back pat)

I peeled and deveined 1.25lbs of shrimp and marinated it in a home made sauce (back pat)

Then here comes the labour intensive portion, I took 2 carrots and used the finest setting on the grater and shaved them so that I basically had carrot mush and flakes and anyone who ever does fine grating knows...look out for fingers (back pat)

Then and we can lump this all together, I chopped fresh herbs from the herb garden, fine chopped green onions, garlic, ginger etc and made an amazing stir fry with the chicken slivers, the shrimp and the fine carrot with a special red sauce (chilies, sugar, worchestershire, cane sugar, lemon juice (fresh sqeezed), sea salt, and some jamaican seasonings (boiled then simmered to thicken). All served on a bed of coconut rice yup u guessed it: BACK PAT

I know I know, you wonder why I post all this...well its cathartic, I am boasting and damn it, if I grated a piece of my thumb nail (hahah not really) you can read this post. Now seriously...envy me because the meal was bloody good.

Oh and I finished it off with FRIED ICE CREAM (back pat

When grown men cry...vol 3.5336

I am not the crying type, do not do it at funerals, do not do it at weddings, sad movies anything. My bro does not shed tears either, and nor does the other male companion at the dinner. Forgive my sexism here for not listing the women but the post is titled "when grown men cry".

I made some jerk seasoning last night, the flavor was amazing but "oh my goodness, oh no, oh no oh no"...those are words that were echoed all night as tears poured from eyes as sweat sprung from my brow. My heart literally felt like it stopped (I think it might have). My bro had to walk outside into the cold air, our friend started gasping and doubled over in pain, and I, the Cali Jamaican, the man who created the meal, ran to the refrigerator poured a tall glass of milk and started gargling with it. I had made the spiciest jerk chicken and shrimp meal I have ever made in my life.

The pepper literally had me screaming, thank goodness we were out in the woods of Malibu. I have never experienced heat like that. It gave me instant hiccups and I could not stop the eyes from 'bleeding'.

The craziest part is that Sarah sat serenely across from us just staring at us as if nothing was wrong. I thought I was 2 steps away from death, and Sarah was in Oliver Twist mode "please sir can I have some more".

We killed a couple bottles of wine, a whole bottle of vodka, almost half a container of soy milk and tonnes of cups of water and I still feel as if my body is on fire. It is now 24 hours later and I am still haunted by the fire of it. The best part is, it tasted so damn good that we kept eating the food, even though we were suffering.

On a brighter or should it be lighter note, my scallops were judged "perfect" I was so damn happy. I always find scallops so damn challenging to make, they are so finicky. But I broiled them with some sea salt, garlic, ginger, sugar, olive oil and fresh cracked pepper and they just seemed to take the 'perfect' level of flavor.