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Wednesday, March 04, 2015

Bachelor recap or The women tell all becomes Britt's audition reel

Black Matt (BM) is here for the most potentially ratchet night of the season...BM pretends he didn't know it would be. Shout out to Elizabeth...I still hate you for getting me into this show, but nights like this I am closest to liking you.

Chris Prime expecting a laugh says "this is the most shocking season of the Bachelor" he gets crickets. We do that new Bachelor tradition of sneaking into a home of viewers to 'surprise' them with the Bachelor [Chris proving that he is a country boy asks "what if they have guns?" I think he is only half kidding]. I do not believe the first house they go to is merely a weekly viewing party, too much has been put into this! We are talking themed food, costumes and props! The kiss count jumps to ONE because a mom sneaks up on Chris and plants a kiss on his lips!
"jk let's just make out"
Too many of these doors are UNLOCKED in LA, I lived in that city no one leaves doors unlocked, they might not know for sure the Bachelor is coming, but they know someone might be coming...the groups he visited this season were a lot more fun than the last season's these peeps were all LIT: One group even got him to take shots

The girls are all reintroduced to us and we get the requisite..."Who is she?" looks!
Hello Trina it is very nice to meet you
The show's quick recap has insets of the girls watching the show, Britt and Kelsey are not happy! As I said earlier in the season, Carly's schadenfreude of Britt is met with disdain from the audience - I think Carly lost much of the heartland with piling it on. Britt immediately attacks Carly as the recap ends. If Ashley I is still a virgin...her dress cannot be.
All of America's feelings captured in a single facial expression.
That thing has less fabric than my underwear.

Chris Prime brings Britt up to talk and I guess moderate? He is terrible at that. Black Matt asks "Isn't there a black girl on this?" we then cut as if a producer heard him to the 'Black girl' he voices what I have hinted at "Wow they found the lightest black girl they could find!" I post that because I cosign it; do I believe they really did that? I don't not believe it ;)
The Bachelor: Women Tell All Recap: Kelsey Talks About Her 'Amazing' Story
Look carefully at that picture, the 'black girl' is there, but I could see why you would miss her

Britt gives us her "I am a good person resume" inner city tutoring, blah blah BM "she is crying so much" I wonder "How does her makeup stay on?" - So macho we are. Britt plays the victim really well, she might be a better actress than I thought she was. She also has a bull dog in Jillian who attacks Carly and seems willing to fight for Britt. Britt to Carly "Can I just say something where you don't interrupt me because you have pretty much narrated my whole life for the last 3 weeks?" I think she planned that line.
BM "She is crying again, we should make it a drinking game" ME "None of us would survive that" BM "Even you would get drunk"

We are shown a peep into the interaction between Britt and CP during the commercial break and Britt is crying again and so BM has to drink some more...He may have to spend the night on my couch!

I yell at BM for whispering one of my lines when CP says that Kelsey went from a widow to a "black widow" BM "Racist" no fair, I love yelling that in sotto voce randomly when anyone says "black" (about anything).

Kelsey immediately brings up the dead husband - Chris Prime is paid the big bucks to not roll his eyes...he offers his handkerchief to Kelsey as she cries and she blows her nose in it - she is allowed to keep it. Even in her apology to the girls Kelsey is demeaning - The first girl who gets a chance to talk Juelia (widowed too) calls her the fakest person she has ever met. Megan points out that if Kelsey is grieving she should never have been on the show.
Chris Harrison and Kelsey on The Bachelor: The Women Tell All
Kelsey addresses the girls as if she is a Schoolmarm and they are unruly children,
Britt and Jillian have apparently appointed themselves guardians of her story and try to defend her...most of the other girls are not fans.

Black Matt and I exhibit jealousy at Chris Prime's job! WE want it! We get footage of Ashley S with an Axe! "WHO THE HELL THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?", is the question both BM and I think of at the same time. Ashley presents Chris with an onion as a gift.
BM immediately says "she looks older than 24", "They all do" I reply...and I know a tonne of you readers think the same.

Ashley S seems no saner than when she was on the show, I gave her the benefit of the doubt re the stress of the show, I am now wondering if she is not crazy but just a delusional actress. Chris extends the Bachelor in Paradise invite to Ashley S. the crowd chants "Do it"...of course she will.

Jade touches the hot seat - in another macho moment, when we get a recap of Jade's season and her Cinderella date I couldn't help myself and said out loud "But that was such an ugly dress tho" and BM instead of judging says "For sure". We are absolutely going to raise a barn after this show!
The Bachelor should absolutely release a line of make up after this show called "Cry just a little" (they may already have a makeup line, too lazy to ever look that up) the makeup these ladies use can withstand so many tears. Jade says Chris letting her go because of the pictures crushed her.

Kaitlyn is up next and I threaten BM that she is mine. Kaitlyn is crying, do not worry girl I GOT YOU!

Chris comes out and Britt asks to come up there and she immediately gives him the too long to be comfortable hug.
"let's hug while i take a break from weeping"
 Anyone who he has picked as his wife is probably sitting there right now planning a way to kill her. She does a bit of inappropriate touching

Kaitlyn calls Chris out for making her stand through the rose ceremony if he already wanted to boot her. Kaitlyn is tough but fair to him.
"i can't believe u sent me home after i literally sweated out 7 pounds of bodily fluids for you"
Jade also requests to come up to talk to Chris; When did this become Oprah? the-bachelor-women-tell-all-4

This was a bad tell all, let's hope the bloopers are at least funny...they are funny especially when they make fun of Chris' dolphin laugh.

We are unfortunately not told if Kaitlyn is the new Bachelorette!
(The divorced) Chris Prime pimps his (romance) is fictional, just like the show he hosts. HEY OH!!!!!

Ratchet Scale: a 2 nothing but tears and Jillian flexing her muscles
MVP: The Make up artists! It is the all star game of the Bachelor season no one keeps a real score on this episode.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.