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Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Bachelor recap or do not show him your nude video before he makes a big decision

Made a batch of ice cream cookie sandwiches, scarfed down my new grilled chicken experiment (beer bbq sauce) and finally plopped down on the couch filled with food and no regrets, so I guess it is time to take away some of this high by watching trash TV...I love it.

We start with Chris walking through Des Moines, it is picturesque but I cannot help thinking...they should have taken them there in Winter, so many of these girls are now West Coast girls, they are not ready for Iowa winters.

Off to Becca's one on one and Chris tells her that the reason they are not in Belgium or Italy is because this is real are on a fantasy reality dating show Chris, nothing about this is real life! So they chill in his rented loft?
Becca and Chris have a low-key date
Becca tells Chris that she has never been in love before - this is despite dating someone for 4 years. I am trying to remember if I ever told my ex who I dated on and off for almost 5 years whether I loved her or not...I am sure she will correct me.

Becca lives in my city I am applying my sensibilities here but WHO THE HELL LEAVES SAN DIEGO FOR ARLINGTON IOWA??????

Britt tells the other girls that she has packed all of her stuff because she does not think she is going to stay through the rose ceremony. Carly calls her out, then Jade calls her out (gently). The girls are not giving Britt the sympathy that she expected to get when she sat down with them. I just want to know one thing: DOES SHE SHOWER OR NOT?

The girls are all nervous about the cocktail party but their main topic of conversation is their belief that Britt is fake...Chris Prime walks in to tell the girls that there will be no cocktail party (this is what he has been paid to do all season) he is my hero, as much as I mock him constantly, the man gets paid to steer people in and out of light conversation! The lack of a rose ceremony causes this face from Britt
Britt's oh s--t moment

Rose ceremony:
And Chris takes deep breaths, and proves to us again that he is barely articulate (Why was he America's favorite again?). While Chris tries to give his opening speech, Britt interrupts him to pull him aside. She starts her time with him with an apology for her actions the night before, while the other girls are in the main room pissed off at her. Britt asks Chris if there is anything he wanted to say to her about her actions - Chris struggles to explain his feelings/thoughts, he stutters a lot but finally says that the way Carly acted is the way he wanted his wife to act and the way Britt acted was disrespectful to him, his family and his he walks her out, BUT, she still gets a kiss so our kiss count starts even with a rejection - ONE!

Britt, breaks down crying outside of the mansion,

 loud enough that the girls on the inside can hear her - Carly comes across a little too mean (not for me, but I can see Middle-America hating her vindictiveness) and revels in Britt's pain.

Chris tells the girls that he sent Britt home because he did not think he could trust her. It's probably just me but I think the camera lingers on Jade during the line up. Whitney gets the first rose, then Becca so it is now down to Carly and Jade and oh here we go Chris Prime pointing out the obvious...'"it's the final rose." The problem with this is that we already saw so much promotional material with Jade telling Chris about her posing for playboy so it was obvious that she was getting the final rose.

I think Carly and her brother were eliminated after the same number of episodes! Guess no one gets the one up in sibling rivalry

First up is Becca, in Shreveport, Louisiana:
I was hoping that since she lives in SD it would also be her home-town, but alas I do not get to see her walking down the Gaslamp. Becca brings up the virginity issue again in her confessional, apparently everyone in her family knows about it...

Good grief, Becca's family is huge and allegedly Chris is the first boy she has ever taken home. Becca's sister tells Chris that Becca is not an intimate person, STRONG hint!

Chris seems to be getting it, but in that way that a puppy gets info, it knows something is wrong, but is not sure exactly what is wrong. Becca's mom like her sister points out to Chris that Becca does not normally hold hands with guys. Becca's sister asks Becca if she has told Chris about the Big V by bringing up the fantasy aside, can it be called a Fantasy Suite if there is no fantasy to be fulfilled?
The mom asks Chris to be sweet and tender to her daughter, I love southern moms. Becca walks Chris out to say goodbye and they make out at the SUV, Kiss count TWO Chris then whispers to Becca "You are coming with me" she laughs at his kidnapping threat, but he is serious and takes her to ride the State fair's Ferris wheel by themselves. Becca does that foolish move of thinking Chris is the one that set this all up.

Off to Chicago Illinois, for Whitney's hometown:
I think Whitney is very sweet, but listening to that voice for the rest of my life could potentially lead to a murder-suicide. Whitney's intro to Chris is "let's go make a baby" (she is a fertility nurse).

 She takes him to her work place and Chris gets to watch in vitro fertilization. Whitney pretends that Chris has to give her a sample, he seems concerned and makes the claim that everything is perfect downstairs - which really is not something you can just know.

Whitney was raised by a single mom, who as mentioned in the prior blog died suddenly a few years ago so her sister is now the dominant family force in Whitney's world. Whitney is blonde, her sister has raven hair, I always wonder who dyed what, based on eyebrows and roots I suspect Whitney. Whitney is telling her sister Kimberly that she will need her consent before she will agree to marry Chris. Kimberly says Whitney is putting too much pressure on her, the sis tells Whitney that she will only give her blessing to someone who wants her sister exclusively and not someone who has "four other girls." - To me a perfectly reasonable response. She tells Chris to call her for the blessing when (if) Whitney is the only one. Despite Whitney earlier telling her sis that she would only marry Chris if she got her blessing, she now says it is her decision to make not her sisters...uh huh.

Whitney then breaks out a bottle of wine that she tells Chris was super pricey and she bought it to share with the man she was going to marry - Kiss Count - THREE

Off to Phoenix Arizona, because even though Kaitlyn is from Alberta, her family winters in Phoenix. Because Chris took her to Costco for a date, she meets him in an alley. She takes him to a recording studio, claiming that earlier in the season when Chris performed for them (he was terrible) she found it hot so they are going to write and perform a rap song.

Kaitlyn I love you gurrrrllll but this is pushing it. Chris is worse than I expected, I mean he is utterly appalling he needs to take lessons from T Swizzle.

Kaitlyn must be in love because she claims that what Chris did is awesome.

We have one of those awkward family moments where the Mom and Stepdad and Dad and Stepmom are all there together. Kaitlyn's mom tells us that Kaitlyn's heart has been broken before...I got you girl, come to me! Kaitlyn's mom seems pretty chill and fun, I bet she would be a blast to drink with. We do not get much time with the family probably because we have to get to a billboard that Kaitlyn had put up with Kaitlyn (Hearts) Chris on it.
Kaitlyn Bristowe Makes a Sign For Chris in Hometown Dates
 Kiss count FOUR

Off to Jade in Gering, Nebraska:
So much foreshadowing in Chris' voice over, "though she lives in LA, she is a small town girl at heart...I want to see what shaped her into the way that she is now." Jade says that Chris is the nicest guy she has ever brought home to her family. She says that she is worried that her family might tell Chris about her nude photos before she can...there is a very simple fix to this Jade - TELL YOUR FAMILY TO NOT TELL HIM! Jade's dad takes Chris aside and hints that Jade might be a wild child. Her brother beats a little bit less around the bush and calls her "a wild mustang, a free spirit." The brother strongly hints that Jade will not want to move to Iowa. Jade's dad asks her if she has told Chris about the wildside/photos, this whole family seems overly concerned with Jade's 'wildness', hmm. This is a tonne of promotion for Playboy. As Jade walks Chris out to the SUV she tells him she wants a little more alone time with him, he agrees to it and it leads to kissing - Kiss count FIVE! (another perfect kissing streak on dates...but that always happens this late in the season).

They go to Chris hotel room to talk...Chris tells her that her brothers called her a wild mustang, Chris says you are a "hot mustang, but I don't really see the wild side." Jade says "there are somethings about me that would surprise you and something that has caused other relationships to end in the past." Jade brings up the photos as a time in her life when she first moved to LA and decided to do anything in her life that she would previously say no to...I bet there are a tonne of guys watching that instantly wish they had met her back in those days. Jade then tells Chris that if he wants she can show him the photos, (an aside, every girl I have ever met who has posed nude [and is proud of it] always, always shows them...this is not to say I have met a tonne of girls that have posed nude online, but I have met my fair share).
Here is a safe picture from the photo shoot, at the bottom of the blog you can link to the NSFW versions, or just imagine this same pose with ZERO clothes

 Chris is expressing shock, but tries to cover it up, he is very gentlemanly with Jade and I respect that (even if it were/is all for the cameras, I would still respect it),

since if he does not want to keep her, he can still kindly cut her at the rose ceremony, there is no need to heap on her any disdain (if there is any) just after she opens up to him. Chris at one point said "she took her bottoms off" oh Chris, what did you expect?

Back to Iowa for the Rose ceremony:
Chris calls it the toughest night of his entire life. Whitney gets the first rose (baby making jokes abound), Kaitlyn gets the next rose (I feel sad), it was always obvi that after the 'revelation' that Jade would have to be in the final 2 waiting for a rose...and Chris picks Becca (Fantasy suite virgin dilemma). Chris walks Jade out and does his whispering move that he does when he is delivering bad news to the girls. He tries to assure Jade that the photos had nothing to do with his decision, and that things were just moving faster with the other girls. Chris is crying as he puts Jade in her limo,
Chris gets weepy
 Jade through tears tells us that she did not see this coming because she was falling in love with Chris. Really Jade, you didn't expect this...even a little bit? You really didn't picture this happening?
Jade in the Reject Limo
Ratchet scale bit higher than last night, you cannot have Playboy pictures and a blooper reel of a dog going to town dry humping its toy and not have at least a 5!
MVP: can the MVP be someone who gets booted? Because it is Jade!

If you want to watch the video that Chris watched of Jade click here

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.