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Tuesday, February 03, 2015

Bachelor episode 5 recap or "No seriously, you do not ever take a shower?"

I am fresh from Vegas and a weekend of the Super Bowl and eating badly, so why stop now? I fire up the DVR, break out a bag of chips and a tub of ice cream and the worst thing I am probably going to do to myself this show.

The travelling circus that is the Bachelor packs up and goes to Santa Fe New Mexico we quickly realize that one of the girls has no idea that Santa Fe is in America since Megan begins to talk about Beaches, resorts and sombreros; "it's definitely going to be an adventure..I am so excited I have never been out of the country" I really hope no one explained it to her at first and she was confused at "how good they all speak english" (or something similar). Her mind would really be blown by Paris, Texas or Ontario, California.

Carly gets the one on one date "let's come together..Chris" uh huh.

Carly runs up to Chris and immediately starts our Kiss counter - ONE

The show ups the kitsch factor and has a woman meditating by the pool and acting as if she cannot hear them, we are introduced to Tziporah Kingsbury, a 'Love and Intimacy Mentor' (I could have used one of those in law school...if that was really a thing). A love guru in its natural habitatChris tells us he is putting his faith in this 'Love Guru'.
The love guru (LG) begins to burn some sage, 
(I know obeah when I see it - click here). Downward facing dignity.
This show is working hard to keep its PG rating we are 2 steps away from watching Chris mount Carly, as I type this, the LG tells them that they are going to shed clothes to become more open with each other. They take each other's tops off but as Carly begins to remove Chris' trousers she tells him that she is uncomfortable and they stop the weird exercise. Carly speaks for all of us.The fact that they have not burst out laughing yet is impressing me, the fact that they have not burst out also depressing me.

The LG makes Carly mount Chris and they simulate orgasms (I assume) while being barred from kissing, 
once allowed to kiss Carly dives in like a vulture hungry for that carcass.

Cut back to the other girls and Kelsey is telling Ashley I and Mckenzie about her husband's death (ex-husband's death, former hubbie's death? I cannot figure out how to write that) her audience is not impressed. The date cards arrive and Britt will have the next one on one.

Back to Carly and Chris and it is the evening portion without the LG. Carly tells Chris that she has not been physical with someone in a year and a half - she says this is because the boyfriend she dated for 2 years never wanted to touch her physically...very depressing stuff for a 'first date'. If she is using this to set Chris up to ravage her it is an evil genius move. Chris tells Carly that he has insecurities too and Carly asks him point blank if he is worried that someone might get to his home in Iowa and immediately want to leave...he is. Carly of course gets the rose, I think we are all wondering if she is going to get the D! Lots of making out on rugs as we fade out to commercials.

By the way, Carly is the sister of Zak from Desiree's season of the Bachelorette.

Group date time and Kaitlyn (hey hottie) guesses that they might go white water rafting, she is correct - still my favorite for now. I do wonder what kind of dance she teaches per her title of 'Dance instructor'.

They go down the rapids and Jade falls in the water which leads to the return of the season long MVP the black bar,The black box finds gainful employment after the Jillian era. she claims to have a condition where her body goes into hypothermia in temperatures that normal people would not...this causes Chris to massage her feet
"hey jade let me rub your hypothermia away"
- Kelsey is NOT happy! "hey jade hope you like DEATH"The evening portion of the date is about to start but as Chris is walking through the hotel lobby to meet the girls he is stopped by Jordan (you might remember her as drunk constantly) a girl he eliminated in week 2. "god said it was okay if i came back" "honestly i do not even remember your name"
She claims to have driven in from Colorado, just to see Chris and I have to wonder...HOW DOES SHE KNOW WHERE THEY ARE? I am (obvi) a big fan of this show, yet I have never bothered to stalk this show in the manner that all these people seem to be able to - Sober Jordan looks a lot hotter than drunk Jordan, it is hard to believe this is the same person. 
While he and Jordan are talking the other girls are sitting waiting for him and beginning to worry...Chris finally walks up with Jordan on his arm and the other girls have to immediately start plastic smiling but they cannot muster it.

Ashley I gets the first one on one time and she immediately takes shots at Jordan, while wearing her Cleopatra outfit...I cannot take her seriously.

The other girls are critiquing Jordan to her face, and then spending their time with Chris talking about her I guess that is a good strategy? Kaitlyn tells us that she is kind of excited about the potential for drama - atta girl. Ashley I tries to rally the troops to revolt against Jordan and tells them to not be nice to Jordan, she is shocked that Whitney disagrees.

Carly and Britt are home discussing Britt's upcoming one on one and Carly tells Britt that she will need to shower for the date - apparently Britt has not showered in weeks? I am so thoroughly confused here -  please tell me this means she takes baths daily and not that it means she is not cleansing herself if not daily at least every second day (such is my disgust that I am willing to concede days for cleansing). Could she seriously just be taking 'ho baths' or is she just rubbing herself all over with baby wipes? No way could she remain in that house with that bad a claimed level of hygiene.

Back to the group date and Chris tells Jordan that he has to let her go, he says its because it would not be fair to the other girls, but methinks it is because he knows it would make his life hell to deal with the other girls. Whitney she of the airy cartoon character voice (who was kind to Jordan) gets the rose. Ashley I begins to cry and reacts angrily to Whitney getting the rose, she confesses in her interview that she did not previously consider Whitney a threat. Ashley is pouring her heart out to Mckenzie who smartly points out that Ashley seems to hate Whitney for no good reason: "I've never seen anything bad about Whitney. I just think that you don't like her."

Chris decides to surprise Britt by waking her up in the morning early for their date which lets us find out that Britt wears FULL MAKEUP to bed...- kisses TWO. "NO KELSEY DON'T KILL ME oh hi chris"
Carly who just had the last one on one and kisses from Chris gets to hear Britt and Chris making out.
"somebody pls just touch me"
Chris apparently cannot tell that Britt is wearing make up to bed since he says "she looks just as beautiful in the morning as she does all dolled up for the Rose Ceremony".

Britt who claimed she cannot do anything with heights 
starts jumping for joy when she realizes that they are going to be going up in a hot air balloon...uhmm what? In the background a guy slides by being pulled along by a rope...I know most peeps will miss this but if you still have this show recorded - look for this moment.

Chris takes Britt to his hotel room, the other girls are all talking about her, Ashley claims that Britt told her that she loves being single and does not want kids...cut to Britt telling Chris that she wants to have a 100 kids. She gets the rose. She has a wide eyed expression and pretends to be amazed by everything Chris tells her. 
Britt "this date started in bed and then ended in bed" while we keep cutting back and forth to Carly crying about Chris and Britt and images of those 2 making out in bed, It's like that time Clare and Juan Pablo had sex, except this time there's less ocean AND less slut-shaming!then Chris closes the door on the cameras.

 Britt comes back to tell the other girls about the date, and then decides to tell the other girls that she and Chris took a 2 hour nap, if you guessed that did not go over well, you understand this show.
"i will end you"

The news from Britt prompts Kelsey to immediately go up to Chris' room, she says it is important that she share with him about her life, "before the rose ceremony tonight...there is the risk that I would be sent home without him knowing that I am a widow" Because that is crucial? Kelsey in her interview "I am just uh, (pauses for dramatic effect) isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but its amazing. I love my story." Chris is hugging her after her sob-story and she wont let him go and is stroking his arms and the back of his head and then kiss THREE.
Kelsey is revealing to us that she is a secret producer on the show "I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story too, this is the unfolding of somebody that has been something so tragic, and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship..." SHE IS AN EVIL GENIUS...the city of Austin may need to exhume the body of her previous husband and test it for all known poisons! (Not saying she did it...cannot say that, but I am saying that if I were married to her and pissed her off I would be nervous for the rest of my life to eat any meal she prepared).

Cocktail party/Rose Ceremony time:
Kelsey is telling all the other girls at the party that she feels very calm, she is exuding cockiness, this leaves the other girls confused. Chris lets the cat out of the bag that he had a side conversation with Kelsey (the other girls look annoyed) but while he is giving his speech he starts to fight tears and needs to take a minute outside Chris is really looking S-A-W-F-T this season. Chris Prime earns his paycheck by walking out to check on Chris, patting him on the shoulder and asking "what happened in there?" I get the feeling that Chris Prime starts many of his conversations in real life with his go to phrase of "So tell me about [X]" - "So tell me about those oranges, are they filled with juice?"
"babe i am here 4 u"

Kelsey starts to fake cry in front of the other girls claiming that she is saddened by the situation that she is going to have to say good by to some girls...Evil genius! She pretends that she went and had her secret moment with Chris so that she would not have to steal time from the other girls at the cocktail party, we need her negotiating with North Korea. Chris Prime returns to tell the girls that Chris has already made up his mind (CP is probably getting paid OT for tonight this is a lot of work for him) and there will be no cocktail party tonight. Ashley I "now it is just a big comparison game" of sad good friend E hates her, but I stand by this sentiment 'Ashley I is good for this show'.

Kelsey tells the girls that she does not want to go to the rose ceremony, she is now nervous, none of the cockiness of earlier remains. She gets up from the group couch and walks off. We then hear wailing, and heavy moans and a paramedic/doctor questioning Kelsey who we find sprawled on the floor and she admits to the doctor "I think I am having a panic attack"
I love my former city of Austin but SHE IS A GUIDANCE COUNSELOR there? By the way she wrote the greatest obit of her is all about her!

Outtake time -- Megan "I never figured out why they call it New Mexico instead of old Mexico. I think there already is a Mexico..I think Mexico was first and then the United States I just need to learn like a New Mexico song or a Mexican song" [She then does the stereotyped chant for Native Americans - Heaviest of sighs from my couch]

Ratchet scale an 8.5 if only because of the 'never showering' news and the 'panic attack'
MVP is of course Kelsey, she dominated this episode

An aside - Does this girl speak?

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.