Bachelor episode 5 recap or "No seriously, you do not ever take a shower?"

I am fresh from Vegas and a weekend of the Super Bowl and eating badly, so why stop now? I fire up the DVR, break out a bag of chips and a tub of ice cream and the worst thing I am probably going to do to myself is...watch this show.

The travelling circus that is the Bachelor packs up and goes to Santa Fe New Mexico we quickly realize that one of the girls has no idea that Santa Fe is in America since Megan begins to talk about Beaches, resorts and sombreros; "it's definitely going to be an adventure..I am so excited I have never been out of the country" I really hope no one explained it to her at first and she was confused at "how good they all speak english" (or something similar). Her mind would really be blown by Paris, Texas or Ontario, California.

Carly gets the one on one date "let's come together..Chris" uh huh.

Carly runs up to Chris and immediately starts our Kiss counter - ONE

The show ups the kitsch factor and has a woman meditating by the pool and acting as if she cannot hear them, we are introduced to Tziporah Kingsbury, a 'Love and Intimacy Mentor' (I could have used one of those in law school...if that was really a thing). Chris tells us he is putting his faith in this 'Love Guru'.
The love guru (LG) begins to burn some sage, 
(I know obeah when I see it - click here). 
This show is working hard to keep its PG rating we are 2 steps away from watching Chris mount Carly, as I type this, the LG tells them that they are going to shed clothes to become more open with each other. They take each other's tops off but as Carly begins to remove Chris' trousers she tells him that she is uncomfortable and they stop the weird exercise. The fact that they have not burst out laughing yet is impressing me, the fact that they have not burst out laughing...is also depressing me.

The LG makes Carly mount Chris and they simulate orgasms (I assume) while being barred from kissing, 
once allowed to kiss Carly dives in like a vulture hungry for that carcass.

Cut back to the other girls and Kelsey is telling Ashley I and Mckenzie about her husband's death (ex-husband's death, former hubbie's death? I cannot figure out how to write that) her audience is not impressed. The date cards arrive and Britt will have the next one on one.

Back to Carly and Chris and it is the evening portion without the LG. Carly tells Chris that she has not been physical with someone in a year and a half - she says this is because the boyfriend she dated for 2 years never wanted to touch her physically...very depressing stuff for a 'first date'. If she is using this to set Chris up to ravage her it is an evil genius move. Chris tells Carly that he has insecurities too and Carly asks him point blank if he is worried that someone might get to his home in Iowa and immediately want to leave...he is. Carly of course gets the rose, I think we are all wondering if she is going to get the D! Lots of making out on rugs as we fade out to commercials.

By the way, Carly is the sister of Zak from Desiree's season of the Bachelorette.

Group date time and Kaitlyn (hey hottie) guesses that they might go white water rafting, she is correct - still my favorite for now. I do wonder what kind of dance she teaches per her title of 'Dance instructor'.

They go down the rapids and Jade falls in the water which leads to the return of the season long MVP the black bar, she claims to have a condition where her body goes into hypothermia in temperatures that normal people would not...this causes Chris to massage her feet

- Kelsey is NOT happy! The evening portion of the date is about to start but as Chris is walking through the hotel lobby to meet the girls he is stopped by Jordan (you might remember her as drunk constantly) a girl he eliminated in week 2. 
She claims to have driven in from Colorado, just to see Chris and I have to wonder...HOW DOES SHE KNOW WHERE THEY ARE? I am (obvi) a big fan of this show, yet I have never bothered to stalk this show in the manner that all these people seem to be able to - Sober Jordan looks a lot hotter than drunk Jordan, it is hard to believe this is the same person. 
While he and Jordan are talking the other girls are sitting waiting for him and beginning to worry...Chris finally walks up with Jordan on his arm and the other girls have to immediately start plastic smiling but they cannot muster it.

Ashley I gets the first one on one time and she immediately takes shots at Jordan, while wearing her Cleopatra outfit...I cannot take her seriously.

The other girls are critiquing Jordan to her face, and then spending their time with Chris talking about her I guess that is a good strategy? Kaitlyn tells us that she is kind of excited about the potential for drama - atta girl. Ashley I tries to rally the troops to revolt against Jordan and tells them to not be nice to Jordan, she is shocked that Whitney disagrees.

Ashley doesn't understand being nice to someone...this isn't going to end well. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/ykXJcA3kwn
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 3, 2015

Carly and Britt are home discussing Britt's upcoming one on one and Carly tells Britt that she will need to shower for the date - apparently Britt has not showered in weeks? I am so thoroughly confused here -  please tell me this means she takes baths daily and not that it means she is not cleansing herself if not daily at least every second day (such is my disgust that I am willing to concede days for cleansing). Could she seriously just be taking 'ho baths' or is she just rubbing herself all over with baby wipes? No way could she remain in that house with that bad a claimed level of hygiene.

Back to the group date and Chris tells Jordan that he has to let her go, he says its because it would not be fair to the other girls, but methinks it is because he knows it would make his life hell to deal with the other girls. Whitney she of the airy cartoon character voice (who was kind to Jordan) gets the rose. Ashley I begins to cry and reacts angrily to Whitney getting the rose, she confesses in her interview that she did not previously consider Whitney a threat. Ashley is pouring her heart out to Mckenzie who smartly points out that Ashley seems to hate Whitney for no good reason: "I've never seen anything bad about Whitney. I just think that you don't like her."

Chris decides to surprise Britt by waking her up in the morning early for their date which lets us find out that Britt wears FULL MAKEUP to bed...- kisses TWO. 
Carly who just had the last one on one and kisses from Chris gets to hear Britt and Chris making out.

Chris apparently cannot tell that Britt is wearing make up to bed since he says "she looks just as beautiful in the morning as she does all dolled up for the Rose Ceremony".

Britt who claimed she cannot do anything with heights 
starts jumping for joy when she realizes that they are going to be going up in a hot air balloon...uhmm what? In the background a guy slides by being pulled along by a rope...I know most peeps will miss this but if you still have this show recorded - look for this moment.

Chris takes Britt to his hotel room, the other girls are all talking about her, Ashley claims that Britt told her that she loves being single and does not want kids...cut to Britt telling Chris that she wants to have a 100 kids. She gets the rose. She has a wide eyed expression and pretends to be amazed by everything Chris tells her. 
Britt "this date started in bed and then ended in bed" while we keep cutting back and forth to Carly crying about Chris and Britt and images of those 2 making out in bed, then Chris closes the door on the cameras.

 Britt comes back to tell the other girls about the date, and then decides to tell the other girls that she and Chris took a 2 hour nap, if you guessed that did not go over well, you understand this show.


The news from Britt prompts Kelsey to immediately go up to Chris' room, she says it is important that she share with him about her life, "before the rose ceremony tonight...there is the risk that I would be sent home without him knowing that I am a widow" Because that is crucial? Kelsey in her interview "I am just uh, (pauses for dramatic effect) isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but its amazing. I love my story." Chris is hugging her after her sob-story and she wont let him go and is stroking his arms and the back of his head and then kiss THREE.

Kelsey is revealing to us that she is a secret producer on the show "I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story too, this is the unfolding of somebody that has been something so tragic, and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship..." SHE IS AN EVIL GENIUS...the city of Austin may need to exhume the body of her previous husband and test it for all known poisons! (Not saying she did it...cannot say that, but I am saying that if I were married to her and pissed her off I would be nervous for the rest of my life to eat any meal she prepared).

No words. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/pO9H6rkfWG
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 3, 2015

Cocktail party/Rose Ceremony time:
Kelsey is telling all the other girls at the party that she feels very calm, she is exuding cockiness, this leaves the other girls confused. Chris lets the cat out of the bag that he had a side conversation with Kelsey (the other girls look annoyed) but while he is giving his speech he starts to fight tears and needs to take a minute outside Chris is really looking S-A-W-F-T this season. Chris Prime earns his paycheck by walking out to check on Chris, patting him on the shoulder and asking "what happened in there?" I get the feeling that Chris Prime starts many of his conversations in real life with his go to phrase of "So tell me about [X]" - "So tell me about those oranges, are they filled with juice?"


Kelsey starts to fake cry in front of the other girls claiming that she is saddened by the situation that she is going to have to say good by to some girls...Evil genius! She pretends that she went and had her secret moment with Chris so that she would not have to steal time from the other girls at the cocktail party, we need her negotiating with North Korea. Chris Prime returns to tell the girls that Chris has already made up his mind (CP is probably getting paid OT for tonight this is a lot of work for him) and there will be no cocktail party tonight. Ashley I "now it is just a big comparison game" of sad stories...my good friend E hates her, but I stand by this sentiment 'Ashley I is good for this show'.

Kelsey tells the girls that she does not want to go to the rose ceremony, she is now nervous, none of the cockiness of earlier remains. She gets up from the group couch and walks off. We then hear wailing, and heavy moans and a paramedic/doctor questioning Kelsey who we find sprawled on the floor and she admits to the doctor "I think I am having a panic attack"

I love my former city of Austin but SHE IS A GUIDANCE COUNSELOR there? By the way she wrote the greatest obit of her hubbie...it is all about her!

Outtake time -- Megan "I never figured out why they call it New Mexico instead of old Mexico. I think there already is a Mexico..I think Mexico was first and then the United States came...now I just need to learn like a New Mexico song or a Mexican song" [She then does the stereotyped chant for Native Americans - Heaviest of sighs from my couch]


Ratchet scale an 8.5 if only because of the 'never showering' news and the 'panic attack'
MVP is of course Kelsey, she dominated this episode

An aside - Does this girl speak?

Bachelor episode 4 recap or "I'm a camping virgin, and I'm also a virgin camping,"

The coming up on the bachelor promo shows alot of crying so I expect a good episode.
Chris Prime in order to earn his cheque this week starts the show by over explaining that Chris' sisters will be deciding who goes on the one on one with Chris, in the meantime he drops off a group date card, but because they do not pay him enough to read he just leaves it on the radio.

The date card says they are going 'natural' the heavily made up girls start to freak out...they go driving in convertibles the Kardashian wannabe says that one of the sexiest things a man can do is drive...cab drivers everywhere just rejoiced. They arrive at a lake...strip down to bikini time! I wonder how all the peeps snowed in on the east coast are reacting to this, I bet there are a tonne of dudes who would normally be at the gym right now 'forced' to cuddle with their girl and watch...it's okay guys, you can use the storm as the excuse.

A few girls (including the virgin, I feel like that is important to point out) remove articles of clothing to get in the lake, it prompts frowns.
Cut back to the house and Chris' sisters have arrived, one of the girls is amazed to learn that one of Chris' sisters lives in Ireland, I think she thinks it is just the land of Lucky Charms and Leprechauns.  Jillian is passed out in a bikini by the pool, and yes you guessed it THERE IS A HUGE BLACK BAR ON HER BUTT. Is the black bar quickly becoming the MVP of the season?

The sisters question the girls, they ask Jade what she does and she says she models for a website...that part is true but she does not tell them that one of the modelling sites in her past is PLAYBOY ;) No seriously, I am not kidding.

Cut back to the group date: Kelsey the guidance counselor from Austin, hates the group date and is constantly complaining about it, she especially hates the fact that they will be camping out by the lake, as she is whining about that a bee stings her 2 inches from her lady bits - sometimes the truth is just so much funnier than fiction.

Back to the sisters, and a girl breaks down crying, she wants Chris to be like her grandfather - weird. Britt reminds us of what she told the sisters, that she is a front runner: Jade is selected by the sisters to go on the one on one - How now Britt?

Our kiss count has been poor today, but Chris is now taking the girls to the side so we know its time for this to kick up a notch. Kaitlyn gets the first bit of interaction so she gets the first kiss. ONE

It has been a whole episode since Ashley S has acted crazy so she immediately launches into singing her own made up song and dancing around the camp fire, In her interaction with Chris she starts the conversation off with "What are you?" As Chris starts to tell her about Iowa, she kisses him TWO and then tells him "I really love you, I really love everything about you...I hope that resonates within your mind tonight...you don't have to say anything."

We go next to Ashley I, who really is just as crazy as S, but shows it differently, she mixes talking with aggressive kissing THREE. Ashley thinks she is guaranteed to get the rose.

Kaitlyn gets the rose and also quite frankly tells us that she is drunk - I love this girl.

Ashley I tells us that she has never had a boyfriend and that she has to tell Chris that she is a virgin.."I will take things I do not believe for $400 Alex" She sneaks into Chris' tent late in the night to tell him about her lack of experience. She hints strongly that she is a virgin, but does not actually say it, all while they dry hump. Chris completely does not get it...how could he?

The girls are all back at the house and the campers find out that Jade gets the princess themed date...Ashley I is jealous because apparently she tries to live her life as a Disney Princess, this is the same girl that models her life after a Kardashian - euthanasia, not just a fun word to say. A crazy lady with pink hair and an entourage comes along to pamper Jade and get her ready for her ball. The girls are all supremely jealous that Jade is getting the 'royal treatment' she gets to keep the Neil Lane diamond earrings (yeah yeah, I will fall for your trap Bachelor and help you promote), the pink haired lady claims that she got the inspiration for Jade's outfit from the new movie Cinderella (Disney cross promotion)...because noway could she have dressed Jade up without showing us and her clips from "the upcoming movie Cinderella".

We see Chris dancing/practicing a a waltz by himself, words cannot describe the goofiness of the look on his face and his awkward motions. Jade is a very pretty girl, but I do not think her hair, makeup and dress flatter her (this is close to the least masculine sentence I have typed all year so I am off to go check my cookies for a moment to get my 'me' back).

Jade admits to Chris that she was engaged before, Chris tells her he was too. Cut back to the house and Ashley I is wearing her Princess date dress (a dress she specifically brought for a Princess date) she made the conscious effort to get dressed up and made up to mimic Chris and Jade's date, while Chris is not there! Told you above she was as crazy as Ashley S and that was before I even knew this was coming...I think she might be crazier than the S, the I might actually stand for Insane! She sits by herself on the couch nibbling corn on the cob.

Jades gets the rose, the date was incredibly boring, All that dance practice goes to waste as Chris and Jade dance while an orchestra plays for them with the New Disney Movie Cinderella plays on the screen behind them. Chris' dancing is really just repeatedly going side to side, they kiss. FOUR. And at the stroke of midnight, Jade has to run away.

2nd group date time:
And the Bachelor producers do that cruel move of making girls who are relationship thirsty go on a date where they have to wear wedding dresses...it is like taunting a tiger with meat. Jillian is not very happy to be playing dress up. But she is about to get drippy with joy because they are going to be doing an obstacle course. Jillian of course houses the competition, one of the girls says Jillian should have been wearing a tux, she then asks if her muscles are bigger than Chris' then says "is her Dick bigger than Chris'?" its funny and its mean and I love it.

Jillian and Chris go on a date and like so many people that are too into fitness she does not stop talking about fitness while on the date, Chris admits to drifting off while she is talking. He tells us that while she is talking he is thinking about unicorns! Jillian ignores the romantic setting and talks about topics that are not conducive to romance. Chris breaks out the rose and is telling Jillian that he is not feeling giving her the rose and Jillian's confidence is shattered and she begins to cry she goes from being the cocky girl who felt like she could muscle her way through everything to the girl who is just like anyone else and feels bad at rejection. I don't care so much about the sending home, I am just annoyed that the kiss count does not multiply. I predicted at least 7 kisses, this is not helping my bet.

It is cocktail ceremony time,
Megan is first, she blindfolds Chris and says "let's see if you know your 5 senses but you can only use three of them which consists of taste, smell and I don't know the other one" She feeds him fruit in chocolate, he guesses at the foods, I do not see a kiss...what is going on here?

Ashley I pulls Chris aside to make sure that he knows she is a virgin, he is clearly stunned and clearly did not get that from the tent conversation. Ashley thinks that telling him she is a virgin cost her a kiss.

Carly immediately gets a kiss right after the awkward conversation -  FIVE.

While the girls learn that Ashley I is a virgin, Becca also reveals that she is a virgin. Kaitlyn: "We have 2 virgins, one Chris" - I told you I love this girl.

Jade looks better here at the rose ceremony than she did at her ball.

Britt spends her time with Chris, throwing other girls (particularly my girl Kaitlyn) under the bus, Chris stutters through an explanation of what he does with his time with the other girls. It causes Chris to have a group meeting and tell the girls that if any of them are having a problem with him 'best get a stepping' (or something to that effect).

Rose Ceremony:
And Juelia gets some camera time, but I think it is just so that we get to see the spelling of her name once again. Ashley I is the opposite of the confidence she exuded last week. Britt is also panicking - in her head she must be thinking "maybe insulting a man minutes before he hands out roses is not the best strategy". But Britt and Ashley I get the final 2 roses. Ashley S unfortunately does not get a rose, I will miss her brand of crazy. Juelia also does not get a rose, I will not miss that name!

The Ratchet scale is mid-high this week lots of nudity, huge black bar and 'suspect' virginity. It's a 6 on the scale.

MVP is Ashley I, she stepped up the crazy, stepped up the virginity declarations!

Ashley S was a runner up for saying "I feel nothing" after being eliminated and then hooting like an owl. 

Bachelor recap, or...I read MLK day meaning into everything on the show.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
MLK fought so hard for equality for us all, to make everyone know that we are all equal members of the human race; that the only difference between us is skin color...the bachelor producers have still not got that memo thus I am able to watch this show tonight and realize "THE BLACK GIRL IS STILL ON!!!!" I love you MLK, I am a 'Jr' because of you (my dad does not let me use the 2nd until I have a son) but the struggle sir, it is still real!

Tonight Jimmy Kimmel joins the show (ABC cross branding at its finest) he introduces the 'Amazing' jar. Everytime someone says the word 'amazing' a dollar has to go into the jar. He kids that he is here to have sex with all the girls to test them for Chris...I suspect a few of them would have taken him up on the offer. Chris Prime already does so little on this show, adding Kimmel to this seems like over kill to have C Prime there.

Kaitlyn gets the first date The date card hints at hors'devoires so she and the other girls think it is going to be a fancy date. Instead the limo drops the off in front of a Costco. Jimmy has given them a grocery list and hijnks ensue, they do the usual fake shopping that you see on TV where people get to clown around in the store with no repercussions! Chris of course kisses her. Kiss count ONE. (btw in case some of you are smart asses the kiss count is not every kiss he gives out but rather for each girl he kisses. If it were per kiss we would run into too high a digit). Kaitlyn claims that the thing she likes about Chris is that he is not glamorous, this causes a kiss (see that would be 2) I chuckle knowing that she has prepped for this scenario. There is laughter then multiple kisses (that would be 3 or if you are the type that counts each pause as one, 7).

Jimmy shows up for the date, and starts to grill Kaitlyn as Chris grills the steak (yes I know you see what I did there). Kaitlyn claims to have dated farmers before. Jimmy says he asks the tough questions and that he is a lubricant to get things through...yup ABC. Jimmy asks Kaitlyn if at the end of the season she is watching the show with Chris and sees that he went to the fantasy suite with multiple women, would she be okay with it. She seems pretty chill and says she would be cool with it "you gotta test drive the car".

We cut to the house for the date card and there are already a tonne of $1 bills in the jar, that is amazing if amazing now stands for the least shocking thing on earth.
Back to the one on one on one (Jimmy) the rose is presented to Kaitlyn by Chris he says 'amazing' twice...sigh. I swallow 2 ibuprofens they are for my ankles but lord maybe they will stave off the headache this show might eventually cause.

Back to the show, with Jillian working out, her butt gets black barred again while squatting (happy MLK day)

The group date is a "hoe down, throw down" funny guys these producers.
Basically a stereotyped obstacle course of what life on the farm is like for a 'little lady'. Jillian does a little too much flexing. The first step is shucking corn, then grabbing an egg from a chicken coop, cracking it into a frying pan (without breaking the yolk) then milking a goat (Jillian's shorts are so short that she gets black barred again), then drinking the goat's milk (some of the girls are reacting like they are being forced to swallow acid)...Black Amber "I am kind of glad I didn't have to drink the milk...the way Kelsey described it, it was salty and warm, not stuff I like in my mouth...but some girls said it tasted like protein" come on, on MLK day? We have the black girl saying this with the smirk? Everyone has heard the stereotype of black women vs white women and oral and we cut to a picture of 2 white women with creamy milk trickling out of the side of their mouths...sigh.

The next obstacle is shoveling manure into a wheel barrow; then getting into a pig pen to grab a greased pig, Jillian vaults into the pen (black barred again) many a girl mentions her butt throughout, so I guess it really was sticking out there tonight Ludacris would say "I'm the new phenomenon like white women with Ass" (- 'Blow it out') [HAPPY MLK day]Carly wins the competition and she gets to dress up like the American Gothic painting with Chris.

Evening portion of the date, and Carly pulls Chris aside first, and thus gets to kiss him first TWO.
Black girl Amber is up next and dances with Chris (there is no music) all a pretext to kiss him THREE
Jillian kisses him as aggressively as you would expect FOUR
The 21 year old acts like a kid and says something along the lines of "Remember when I kissed you on that first night, why are you kissing other people" or to put it in the terms of a non-practical person "hey I know there are all these other girls that you may be interested in, but you kissed me first without getting to know any of them so please, pretty please go the whole show without kissing anyone else".
Rebecca gets the date rose, the girls who kissed him are not happy.

Whitney gets the one on one date and I realize that she sounds like what I would expect Alvin and the chipmunks to sound like if they hit puberty. They go to a winery. A wedding is also going on at the same time, Whitney suggests that they crash the wedding, this prompts a member of the crew to say "Are you guys serious about this?" which reveals to us that crew members sit less than 10 feet away from the daters! And that the show is heavily edited (but you knew that part, if you didn't...wait till you hear about Santa Claus). Chris and Whitney get dressed up and prep to crash the wedding with a perfectly wrapped gift and immaculate outfits (this seems more and more staged).

Chris is not very smooth at trying to bluff his way through conversations apparently Whitney is a lot better than Chris to the point that if she ever cheated on him, she could convince him that the guy in the bed beside her was just there to check her fertility for their attempts to have kids. They each try to catch the bouquet and the garter in for a penny in for a pound I guess. Dancing and you guessed it Kissing - FIVE. She of course gets the rose.

Back from commercials and Kimmel and Chris are showering together.

 The 'amazing jar' is close to full. Kimmel announces that instead of a rose ceremony there will be a pool party BLACK BARS FOR JILLIAN again I kid you not.
 One of the girls (pretty sure its Ashely I) says that she is disappointed because she was going to go for her Kardashian look and cannot do that anymore...remove her from society instantly, I am not saying euthanize her...I am not, not saying it though.

Juelia (seriously that spelling) is expressing sadness, I have a hard time getting into the story because I was so ready to mock her name, but her story is pretty dramatic so despite her name I start to get emotionally invested till she says crying "never been less scared in my entire life" (emphasis mine). It was a very serious story, but the sparkly head band, the swimsuit, the crying, the name and the 'less scared' slip up just made it so easy to gloss over. 

Chris tries to talk about his feelings with one of the girls and she shuts him up by kissing him he is a simple man - kiss count SIX

Jade takes him away to his house for a tour of the house aka get him alone. Jillian sneaks in behind them to get into his hot tub but while she is doing that Jade and Chris jump into his bed and begin making out - SEVEN.

Jillian gets her hot tub time with Chris but Ashley I and her entourage of Megan and Mackenzie comes in with the line of "we are not interrupting, we are just joining" they however jump back out of the tub when Jillian says she has just had a minute with Chris. They go to the side Megan and Ashley I start discussing whether their makeup is cracking Mackenzie misinterprets and thinks they are talking about looking like crack whores.

Jillian goes back in for her kiss, guess that is 7.5 on the kiss count since she is a repeat customer, this prompts Mackenzie to immediately get back in the hot tub followed by the rest of the entourage but Jillian will not take the hint and leave, in fact she commandeers the situation. This causes Ashley I to break down crying and run away. An ad for Housewife porn comes on, oh its the 50 Shades of Grey trailer...I kind of feel like I would not fight it too hard if someone I was dating 'dragged me' to it, the aftermath of sitting through that movie has got to be positive.

Chris comes and seeks Ashley I and she does her crying into kissing maneuver, she really is a lusty kisser - kiss count up to a healthy EIGHT. Drats I was hoping he would get up to a kiss count of 50% of women...so close.

Chris stumbles over himself badly in his opening remarks at the rose ceremony. Ashley I in her confessional claims that she is a 9 on the confidence scale and says that she told Chris to call her name early he does not. Jimmy Kimmel comes out in place of Chris Prime to point out that the final rose is on the table. And the BLACK GIRL GETS CUT ON THE MLK DAY EPISODE...that is the true sign of equality! At least she gets to do an exit interview!

I really have to think about the Ratchet scale tonight yes he is willing to kiss every girl that tilts her head (but that makes sense), and we had constant black barring of a girls butt; then there was the creamy, proteiny, salty liquid...yeah I guess its at least a 5 out of 10 on the scale.

New category - Tonight's MVP (I know many peeps would give it to Jimmy Kimmel, but for me he added nothing to the episode) is Kaitlyn for practically distilling the show down to its core 'A guy or girl gets on here to test drive as many members of the opposite sex that they can get away with tapping before being called a whore then settles for chooses one at the end to hopefully stay with forever'.

As I finish typing this up I am watching the first episode of In Living Color that had J Lo on it...how far from that block Jenny has come! 

Bachelor Recap or Prince Farming goes a kissing!

Last week we ended with a girl walking back in to talk to Chris, her scheme to get back on the show works. When Chris announces it to the other girls they give a half-hearted cheer while giving her the “bitch you are dead” stares. One girl even says “this broad” which I am pretty sure is her nice way of saying “Bitch”. I really think Chris is going to ho it up this season: He keeps talking about this as the greatest opportunity any man could be given… (as I come back to edit this, that statement is so true).

And we get the obligatory half naked shots of Chris. I am over-weight, I accept it, but yeesh to get on the Bachelor I would have to drop 50lbs and I already bloody work out - but to get the chance to date 30 women, it would be worth it. Oh wait I am still black! So yeah I might as well just watch as a fan and have no delusions.

Megan has angry eyes when she finds out that she is not one of the first 6 to hang with Chris while we cut to Chris trying to figure out the perfect position to stop the zipper of his sweatshirt to show off his chest...not sure he knew this moment would air. “I am more Kardashian than country” that is an actual thing a girl utters when speculating about their “country date”, can we just agree as a world to never use the Kardashians as a positive comparison? Please? Please? Pretty please? 

The requisite pool party occurs - gotta get these girls in their bikinis as fast as possible. Jillian ‘News Producer’ decides to sneak over to Chris’ house with Megan. Her bikini bottom is so skimpy that the Bachelor has to blur it from the front, the side and the back. I think they might be overdoing it, I hope they are overdoing it because gurrl if you are wearing something that bad...you need a hug. Megan discovers Chris’ motorcycle helmet so she rams her head into various inanimate objects while wearing the helmet, I suspect she was forced to wear one as a kid and is just reliving those memories. 

The girls are ‘forced’ to walk around downtown LA in their bikinis so that they can race tractors. It is the slowest tractor race ever, which is probably the safest thing the show could do. Long time readers know I am terrible with names and I hate rewinding so I do not know her name, but one of the girls tells the others that the reason why she is a single mom is because her husband killed himself shortly after her daughter was born. 

Chris takes one of the girls from the group date (her name is Mackenzie) on a solo date and the conversation in a word is weird. She talks to Chris about his nose, she talks to him about aliens and she tells Chris that she has not gone on a date in over a year because...she has a kid. Now I know why she seems so childish on this date - she is 21. No way should she be on this show this young (gosh I feel like an old fogey). She shows Chris pictures of her son and says “I knew when you saw him you would love him” moms always think that. Mackenzie gets the date rose.

The date card arrives and it is for Megan, but she thinks it is just a love note to her; the other girls have to explain to her that it means she gets a date. During the commerical break the Gary Busey Amazon ad comes on and I think, Megan would get along well with him. We come back from commercials and Mackenzie is telling the girls about how many times she kissed Chris...they loved it.  

Megan and Chris head to an airport and this season’s ‘helicopter budget’ kicks in; Megan says that she does not know where they are going and that “it is a mystery” to her, I suspect things like basic arithmetic and reading comprehension are also mysteries to her. They land the helicopter in the Grand Canyon and I realize that the space between Megan’s ears will not be the emptiest thing in this episode. Megan says some really sad stuff about her dad but in truth I start to zone out, this is ‘too much sad’ this early in the season, plus I have things to do while this show is on...time is going. Megan gets the rose and they kiss – number 2. 

Another date card, Amber the black girl says “my heart really pumps harder when I see one of those WHITE envelopes” okay okay she didn’t emphasize the white, I just couldn’t resist. The group date card has a reference to death, this has the girls freaking out. Their limo is surrounded by zombies and this petrifies most of the girls who apparently have forgotten they are on an ABC show, the same ABC that is owned by DISNEY but hey, they are not on this show for their brains. Plus, like I said last week, I do not believe the ‘professions’ listed for most of these girls. The night’s activity is to hunt zombies with paintball guns. The FBI might want to start monitoring Ashley’s activities, she was a little too eager to shoot her teammates with the paintball gun despite their repeated statements that they were only hunting zombies, not each other.

Amber the black girl (yes I have to give her full title) nearly shoots the camera man [I know a sizeable portion of the audience would have expected her to be better with a gun]. There is so much screaming, sooooooo much screaming. Ashley just ‘model walks’ through the crowd of Zombies and puts ‘safety’ shots into already dead zombies, I am not saying she is psychotic, that requires a diagnosis, I am just saying...monitor her. 

The girls at home need to entertain themselves so Jordan decides to show them that she can twerk...it was not a good twerk. She also makes fun of Jillian’s ass, claiming it is hairy, so of course now I wonder if that was the reason for the censor bar. 

Back on the date Ashely is acting strangely, Juelia makes fun of her and all I can think is “YOUR NAME IS SPELLED JUELIA, how can you make fun of anyone?” Chris makes out with Kaitlyn, that is 3 girls so far this episode. Ashley starts to talk as if the voices in her head are all now arguing with each other. During her one on one time with Chris, she is staring off into space and suggests hide and seek but then cannot decide who should hide and who should seek...Ashley there are only 2 of you it should not be that difficult. Ashley absolutely talks in non-sequiturs. While Chris is doing his private stand ups talking about Ashley she interrupts it to talk to him and while he tries to talk to her she spaces out. She tells him “you don’t want to lose the whole world...but actually you don’t want to gain the whole world.” At one point Ashley gets on all 4s to talk to a cat, I wish I was using hyperbole. 

Britt gets a note from Chris that says “free kiss from Chris” she of course kisses him, now 4 so far (Do not forget that Chris was the secret admirer note writer on Andi’s season). The bonus for all the ladies on this date is that no matter what they say, none of them will say anything as remotely crazy as Ashley. Kaitlyn gets the group date rose; Britt’s face says “we just kissed”. 

Rose Ceremony/Cocktail party: 

Chris at least unlike some prior Bachelors and Bachelorettes does not try to pretend that he does not drink. 

A girl reveals that she is a virgin; another girl tells her that Chris will love that about her (this is how you end up having a kid at 21 and leaving him to go on TV). She does not tell Chris that she is a virgin but she does offer him 3 wishes and the first wish that Chris uses is to kiss her that’s 5 so far. Their make out sesh is the type that usually leads to phrases of “just the tip, come on just the tip, that will not count”. Amber the black girl tells Chris that she wants to kiss him so of course he obliges that’s 6. She then tells Jordan (who claims 24 but if she is 24 that is a HARD 24, that is the type of 24 that should cause me to swear off booze forever – it won’t) who immediately yells that she wants to kiss Chris. Jordan then interrupts another girls date and blatantly tries to give Chris kissing hints he blatantly returns the “oh hell no” hints, she then makes it awkward and thus gets no kiss. When she rewatches this, she is going to realize that she is the only girl who tried to get a kiss and failed...that will crush her, if the bottle she is holding at the time allows her to comprehend what she is watching. 

We have that moment that we seem to have in every season now, where a girl hears the wrong name and tries to come forward, Jillian is that girl and in her attempt to stop from going towards Chris when the mistake is realized tries to stop her forward momentum but looks like a baby deer on ice (someone must have a gif of that) . 

Ashley S gets the final rose and many of the girls look stunned and pissed, this feels like a producers’ pick, the ole “hey this girl is drama, keep her another week” suggestion to Chris. 

The girl that got the second chance gets booted again on the 2nd go around. Tonight’s blooper has Jordan passed out on the couch sleeping while all the girls around her are screaming about the date card...she might have a bit of a drinking problem. 

Ratchety behavior in this episode a mere 6 on the 10 scale…points for kissing after seeing him tongue bathe the inside of another girl’s mouth; black barred bikini; helmet into wall; and, all of the crazy associated with Ashley S.

Bachelorette Review - Scarfing time in Brussels

This week we travel to Brussels (it would be so awesome if Jean Claude Van Damme just randomly showed up). Before starting the show I did 143 push-ups, I think that will cancel out whatever this show does to my masculinity...okay I just wanted to boast that I did that many push-ups.

Chris Hanson meets the guys in the hotel room to I guess teach them about numbers? “There are 6 of you guys here”. Slight change in plans, no roses on the one on one dates. 3 of the 6 are wearing scarves indoors, the others are wearing hoodies, is there a dressing draw they do before each episode short stick you get a hoodie, long one a scarf?

Marcus gets the one on one:

Immediately I notice something that E texted me about, Andi keeps her mouth wide open a lot...I will not type what E said it should be filled with. Marcus and Andi talk about his plans of leaving; he claims that it was because he was afraid of his feelings for her - Andi falls for it. Again this woman is a lawyer…

The evening portion is at the Academy Palace a beautiful setting but the mood turns dark quickly, Andi asks Marcus whose house they would go to if she went on the hometown date Marcus says his sister's. Marcus describes the brutal childhood his mom grew up in. Since this is a dating show, let me break it down dispassionately, if I had my pick of 6 good candidates (not sure these 6 are, but lets pretend for the hypo) there is no way I am picking the candidate that has come from a damaged home, especially since psychology typically points to persons coming from troubled backgrounds having troubles themselves...He could turn out to be completely fine...but why risk it? Andi finds his opening up sexy, they noisily kiss alot.

When Marcus returns from his date Nick sneaks out and decides to try and go up to Andi’s room. We are supposed to believe that the front desk at this hotel is so unbelievably stupid that Nick can get not only the number of Andi’s room but a key to it simply by telling the front desk that he lost his key, forgot his room number and that the room is in his wife’s name. YUP sure that plan worked, 

I am also sure that the cameras following you into the lobby did not clue the desk clerk into the fact that you are part of the production that is shooting in their hotel.

(doesn't Andi kind of look scared for a second?)

Easily impressed Andi goes for a walk with Nick. They make out, because that is the easiest thing to do rather than continue the boring convo they were having.

Josh and Andi start their one on one:

I miss the first part because my ex is threatening to call my Dad’s advice line and expose some of the stuff we talk about...I act brave, and call her bluff, inside I am quaking.

Andi is mad that Josh will not open up to her. I am not sure Josh is articulate enough. Andi is also worried that Josh is not falling in love with her (even if that would be a normal thing).

A group date card arrives and Nick immediately spouts off about his confidence, I love that the producers are painting him as a villain since I already think he has such a punchable face.

Josh finally gets the hint that Andi really wants him to say he loves her so he does...it feels contrived. But of course he gets the kiss. Andi says that his saying it lets her know “that this is real” - even though in a normal setting it would be the least real thing ever. They really turned up the kissing mic tonight. Andi has to tell us the name of tonight’s musical guest (oh what you say this is not a talk show?) she looks into the camera and I think she had to do multiple takes before getting the name of the band right “American Young”.

An ad for ABC’s music competition show pops up, my ex and I had been talking about it and neither of us could remember the name and even with the ad I have forgotten the name because all I keep doing is yelling at Ludacris on my screen with “pay your child support homie”. If you are rich, you should never ever end up in the public eye for ‘failure to pay’ on child support (if you are poor that should not happen either) there is no excuse for that level of slackness.

Group date time - aka time for forced puns

Dylan “These ruins stood the test of time, and I am hoping that Andi and I’s relationship can also stand the test of time”...RUINS Dylan, RUINS...is that what you want your relationship to be in?

The guys start to pedal a cart along a track, they are all connected to the same cart yet it looks like they are trying to race each other. Andi takes the guys to a monastery, and I lose respect for the monks. There is no kissing allowed within the grounds - how are they going to survive?

Chris gets the first solo interaction and Andi takes him to a pottery barn that is outside the walls, so you know there is kissing. And a mimic of the scene in ‘Ghost’.

Brian the coach keeps freaking out at the rose sitting on the table. Nick approaches it as if he has already won it. The dates are booooooorrrinnnnggg. Nick gets the rose like we all knew he would, the other 3 guys look murderous. Andi is boring, Nick is boring it just makes sense.

The 3 guys that have to leave are stuck on the same seat of a small van, these are not tiny guys. The initial shot of them in the van shows them struggling to figure out room and how to get their seat belts on.

(are tin Sardines originally from Brussels?)

I do not call Andi and Nick boring together to bash them, I mean that when I watch them I am fully bored, I started talking wrestling via chat with my old roomie while they were doing their date, I barely followed what was going on. The producers try to shoehorn in a trope with having fireworks going off while they kiss.

Nick returns to the hotel room to awkward silence and finally the guys go in on him. 

Nick starts to reveal more and more about his strategy, the guys are mad that he came in with a plan - while I dislike him, that is just smart. The back and forth is really just one extended hissy fit.

Cocktail party time:

The guys without roses are all scrambling to impress Andi and to spend time with her. Brian is talking to Andi and Nick interrupts him, again remember Nick has his rose already. Brian like a chump immediately acquiesces to Nick’s request. If Nick does not win, he cannot become the next Bachelor that season would be impossible to watch - then again for my sanity maybe that would be the best thing to happen.

Rose ceremony:

Josh gets rose1, Marcus gets rose2 and now the important rose - Chris gets it, I guess pulling her outside to make out with her was a good decision. Josh kisses Brian goodbye!

Is it wrong that this is the most emotion he has shown all season? And that I imagine him saying this "Screw her bro, I love you man, I know I could barely say it to her but I LOVE YOU, see you after the show" Compare his kiss to Brian with his kiss with Andi

Brian has to do his goodbye confessional outside of the castle and hears the laughing of the guys inside, he reacts like anyone would...angrily.

The previews for next week shows Andi dealing with the death of Eric...yup they used the dead guy as the teaser for next week...tacky.

The Bachelorette review or This show is killing me so slowly that I am posting a week after each show

So as I start to type this week’s up I realize that I never posted last weeks...yup show is definitely making me dumber.

Tonight the world tour goes to Venice, Italy. The guys meet Andi and she immediately pulls a shocker and tells them that the first one on one starts immediately and everyone expects it to be Cody since he has not yet been on a one on one...she picks Nick V.

Renee Oteri does the Suave hair commercial this time...they have caked on the makeup, I should quit watching this before I say anything mean. (Too late - I texted E “Renee looks years younger in that Suave commercial. Maybe that shampoo is magic”).

I wish I had gone to Venice when I was in Italy, but I was in love and would have gone to the city dump if the girl had told me to, so we did not go to Venice (still would not trade that trip in for anything).

Andi and Nick walk the streets of Venice, they kiss a lot and Andi tells us in VO how romantic the city is but yet the date looks terrible boring except for this one cool moment a bird perches on Nick's head but he still makes that seem boring. 

The Group date card arrives and Cody is hoping his name is not on it...it is not, which leaves Cody dancing (all those Macklemore comparisons online get easier when he does that).

Nick tries to read a sign and reads it as if it is in a foreign language, it is English.

Evening portion of the date and they are swankily dressed. I do not get her attraction to Nick, I guess this might be my straight test? I cannot see the attractiveness of a fellow that a girl seems to find irresistible.

Nick foolishly brings up the fact that some of the guys in the house have called him arrogant and Andi does not look happy, he tries to smooth it out and Andi gives him stone face, like she is trying to hold in gas. I think these 2 would have a boring life together, a double date with them would be like trying to feed a bird with a slingshot, you can get it done but there will be a tonne of misses. He gets the rose, they boringly kiss.

The put on masquerade masks 

and Nick says “I have been masking my feelings towards Andi” the forced pun count on this season is extraordinarily high.

Andi’s secret admirer sends her another note. The handwriting looks so neat and uniform that I think the show had someone else write it for whatever guy is creepily sending them.

Group Date time

They go to a medieval castle - Andi gives them a lie detector test. 

The guys look petrified, 

I would be too. No need for her to immediately find out that I am a psychopath. My DVR freezes and glitches during Andi’s portion of the lie detector test...her questions are garbage anyway, I think my cable was trying to protect me from them...sadly I got it working again.

The questions are the standard fare until they get to stuff like “are you good in bed”, “have you slept with more than 20 women” and “do you wash your hands after the bathroom”. Dylan immediately after taking the test claims to feel so ill that he has to go to the hotel...guess the truth really does hurt. There is one shock to me, the farmer is the secret admirer (I find it impossible to believe that penmanship is his).

3 men told no lies, one man 2 lies, 2 men told 3 lies. I have always felt I would be able to pass this test but then I think most peeps think that...Andi told 2 lies; Italy is not her favorite country and she does not think all the guys are there for the right reason. She then does not open the results for the guys, instead she dramatically rips the papers up. The cynic in me thinks that she already knew the results, or is planning to get them later anyway.

The evening portion of the date has 5 guys because Dylan is still missing, I keep hoping he will pull a Tierra and sneak back on...I also hate myself for now knowing enough history of this show to call back prior names.

Brian gets the first one on one date with Andi and does a fake lie detector, he puts her finger on his pulse and her hand on his heart while he answers questions, it surprises Andi and I am sure the audience that Brian could show that much initiative. They make out, 

I think the kissing count is at 2 so far tonight. Marcus is up next, he says he thought about leaving and Andi makes out with him. THREE

Josh is up next and he tells Andi that he thought she didn’t trust them because of the lie detector test, it leaves Andi confused. 

Andi asks Josh what he likes about her and being there with her and his answer is so generic I really want to skip forward to the part where E texted me about (yup E texted me to warn me that there is Camel Toe in this episode...I cannot stop chuckling that, that is a thing and that I am looking forward to it). Josh does not get a kiss, Chris the farmer is up next and he confesses that he is the secret admirer, this of course gets him a kiss. FOUR.

One on One Date:

Cody and Andi pretend to be Romeo and Juliet and they go to the area that peeps think was the inspiration for Shakespeare to write Romeo and Juliet…(not the space for the discussion as to whether he really wrote all his plays). Apparently sad sacks people from all over the world write letters to Juliet or Giulietta as it is written at the Club di Guilietta for advice and the store/place replies to everyone. Andi and Cody get to reply to a few letters and Cody shows depth that I would never have believed possible.

On the evening portion of the date, Cody shows some smarts and writes a letter to Juliet that is about Andi, but then he just talks too much. He starts to tell her too much about his feelings, he starts to talk about taking her home to meet his family and Andi has the Andi face ‘the over it look’. She stops Cody from talking and starts crying, saying that she cannot hurt him by taking him to the next week’s episode. 

And while I am feeling bad for Cody something pops on my screen that makes me A. laugh out loud and B. check the time to see if E was right and she was 1:27 in we have CAMEL TOE. 

Cody has to leave in a bus because he did not get the rose and Andi rides off on her camel. I still think Twitter is mainly a cheap distraction but for moments like this it can be gold...’Andi Camel Toe’ is actually a trending topic.

Cocktail party/Rose Ceremony time:

Andi is killing it with her dress. Nick V intercepts Andi and then kisses her immediately, “that is a man, that is a man right there” those are Andi’s words...she is so easily impressed. 

Chris tells Dylan to go interrupt Nick and Andi, and he does, Chris to his credit calls Nick a jackass to his face and is not fake with him at all. Dylan’s one on one with Andi gets no screen time, JJ goes in for a kiss on his time FIVE.

Chris and Andi sit down for their ‘fire side’ chat. Blah blah blah

Andi again holds her roses like a chalice while scanning the line of guys, if you ever say HBO’s “Pimps up Hoes Down” Players Ball you will notice a strong resemblance here. 

JJ the Pantsapreneur gets the boot and someone on Twitter notes that it is probably because he made the Camel Toe pants. Seriously, this girl had camel toe while wearing camel colored pants that made her look nude...is this ABC’s way of spicing the show up? Maybe this is the Players Ball. Next week they are off to Brussels.

The credits have a very funny scene; the lie detector test had a question of “have you ever fought in public?” all the guys heard it as “Have you ever fart in public?” they all said yes!!!!