Infrequently updated consistently funny

Monday, June 30, 2014

The Bachelorette review or This show is killing me so slowly that I am posting a week after each show

So as I start to type this week’s up I realize that I never posted last weeks...yup show is definitely making me dumber.

Tonight the world tour goes to Venice, Italy. The guys meet Andi and she immediately pulls a shocker and tells them that the first one on one starts immediately and everyone expects it to be Cody since he has not yet been on a one on one...she picks Nick V.

Renee Oteri does the Suave hair commercial this time...they have caked on the makeup, I should quit watching this before I say anything mean. (Too late - I texted E “Renee looks years younger in that Suave commercial. Maybe that shampoo is magic”).

I wish I had gone to Venice when I was in Italy, but I was in love and would have gone to the city dump if the girl had told me to, so we did not go to Venice (still would not trade that trip in for anything).

Andi and Nick walk the streets of Venice, they kiss a lot and Andi tells us in VO how romantic the city is but yet the date looks terrible boring except for this one cool moment a bird perches on Nick's head but he still makes that seem boring. 
Bachelorette 1007jpgAndi Dorfman and Nick V
The Group date card arrives and Cody is hoping his name is not on is not, which leaves Cody dancing (all those Macklemore comparisons online get easier when he does that).
Nick tries to read a sign and reads it as if it is in a foreign language, it is English.

Evening portion of the date and they are swankily dressed. I do not get her attraction to Nick, I guess this might be my straight test? I cannot see the attractiveness of a fellow that a girl seems to find irresistible.

Nick foolishly brings up the fact that some of the guys in the house have called him arrogant and Andi does not look happy, he tries to smooth it out and Andi gives him stone face, like she is trying to hold in gas. I think these 2 would have a boring life together, a double date with them would be like trying to feed a bird with a slingshot, you can get it done but there will be a tonne of misses. He gets the rose, they boringly kiss.

The put on masquerade masks Did this remind anyone else of a Bond movie?
and Nick says “I have been masking my feelings towards Andi” the forced pun count on this season is extraordinarily high.

Andi’s secret admirer sends her another note. The handwriting looks so neat and uniform that I think the show had someone else write it for whatever guy is creepily sending them.
Group Date time
They go to a medieval castle - Andi gives them a lie detector test. 
The guys look petrified, 
I would be too. No need for her to immediately find out that I am a psychopath. My DVR freezes and glitches during Andi’s portion of the lie detector test...her questions are garbage anyway, I think my cable was trying to protect me from them...sadly I got it working again.

The questions are the standard fare until they get to stuff like “are you good in bed”, “have you slept with more than 20 women” and “do you wash your hands after the bathroom”. Dylan immediately after taking the test claims to feel so ill that he has to go to the hotel...guess the truth really does hurt. There is one shock to me, the farmer is the secret admirer (I find it impossible to believe that penmanship is his).

3 men told no lies, one man 2 lies, 2 men told 3 lies. I have always felt I would be able to pass this test but then I think most peeps think that...Andi told 2 lies; Italy is not her favorite country and she does not think all the guys are there for the right reason. She then does not open the results for the guys, instead she dramatically rips the papers up. The cynic in me thinks that she already knew the results, or is planning to get them later anyway.

The evening portion of the date has 5 guys because Dylan is still missing, I keep hoping he will pull a Tierra and sneak back on...I also hate myself for now knowing enough history of this show to call back prior names.

Brian gets the first one on one date with Andi and does a fake lie detector, he puts her finger on his pulse and her hand on his heart while he answers questions, it surprises Andi and I am sure the audience that Brian could show that much initiative. They make out, 
I think the kissing count is at 2 so far tonight. Marcus is up next, he says he thought about leaving and Andi makes out with him. THREE

Josh is up next and he tells Andi that he thought she didn’t trust them because of the lie detector test, it leaves Andi confused. 
Andi asks Josh what he likes about her and being there with her and his answer is so generic I really want to skip forward to the part where E texted me about (yup E texted me to warn me that there is Camel Toe in this episode...I cannot stop chuckling that, that is a thing and that I am looking forward to it). Josh does not get a kiss, Chris the farmer is up next and he confesses that he is the secret admirer, this of course gets him a kiss. FOUR.

One on One Date:
Cody and Andi pretend to be Romeo and Juliet and they go to the area that peeps think was the inspiration for Shakespeare to write Romeo and Juliet…(not the space for the discussion as to whether he really wrote all his plays). Apparently sad sacks people from all over the world write letters to Juliet or Giulietta as it is written at the Club di Guilietta for advice and the store/place replies to everyone. Andi and Cody get to reply to a few letters and Cody shows depth that I would never have believed possible.

On the evening portion of the date, Cody shows some smarts and writes a letter to Juliet that is about Andi, but then he just talks too much. He starts to tell her too much about his feelings, he starts to talk about taking her home to meet his family and Andi has the Andi face ‘the over it look’. She stops Cody from talking and starts crying, saying that she cannot hurt him by taking him to the next week’s episode. 
And while I am feeling bad for Cody something pops on my screen that makes me A. laugh out loud and B. check the time to see if E was right and she was 1:27 in we have CAMEL TOE. 
Cody has to leave in a bus because he did not get the rose and Andi rides off on her camel. I still think Twitter is mainly a cheap distraction but for moments like this it can be gold...’Andi Camel Toe’ is actually a trending topic.

Cocktail party/Rose Ceremony time:
Andi is killing it with her dress. Nick V intercepts Andi and then kisses her immediately, “that is a man, that is a man right there” those are Andi’s words...she is so easily impressed. 
Chris tells Dylan to go interrupt Nick and Andi, and he does, Chris to his credit calls Nick a jackass to his face and is not fake with him at all. Dylan’s one on one with Andi gets no screen time, JJ goes in for a kiss on his time FIVE.

Chris and Andi sit down for their ‘fire side’ chat. Blah blah blah

Andi again holds her roses like a chalice while scanning the line of guys, if you ever say HBO’s “Pimps up Hoes Down” Players Ball you will notice a strong resemblance here. 
JJ the Pantsapreneur gets the boot and someone on Twitter notes that it is probably because he made the Camel Toe pants. Seriously, this girl had camel toe while wearing camel colored pants that made her look this ABC’s way of spicing the show up? Maybe this is the Players Ball. Next week they are off to Brussels.

The credits have a very funny scene; the lie detector test had a question of “have you ever fought in public?” all the guys heard it as “Have you ever fart in public?” they all said yes!!!!

No comments:

Blog Archive

About Me

My photo
Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.