Infrequently updated consistently funny

Monday, June 02, 2014

The Bachelorette on Sunday? We get 2 nights of this drivel?

I hate myself, I hate my life right now, I am eating cupcakes and about to watch the Bachelorette LIVE...why live? Because I cannot find my cable modem and thus cannot use my DVR and thus I hate myself. Just watching the, ‘Coming up on the Bachelorette’ makes me think I may not make it through.

They start the evening in Santa Barbara, Andi makes it seem as if it is an ocean away from LA and not just up the coast. Chris Harrison tells the guys the plan is to meet Andi in SB and the guys really sound like they are grunting.

I really hope Gus and Sean show up...I want a murder!

One on One -
Andi goes bike riding with Nick claiming it is a normal chill day, (you know minus the dozen cameras, the whole event being set up by someone else and the staying in Santa Barbara). A couple of the guys start talking about Nick behind his back, this is what we have been missing - pettiness. Andi and Nick go on a hike at Lizard’s Mouth trail I am a bit jealous, it is a decently rated hike, and last time I was in SB I ran out of time to go...I may digress alot on this blog with no one in the room to keep me focused.

With no DVR I am forced to watch the Suave commercials with former Bachelor contestants...I want to punch my TV...the hair dresser’s 'chat' in this is so fake and the acting is not even porn level worthy. Hmm Mistresses is back...just kidding, no way would I admit to watching that in way. If I do not find my modem by tomorrow afternoon I am going to have to buy one immediately, these commercials are just so bad.

Nick admits to being engaged prior to meeting Andi I zone out using my phone to search for Modems.
A group date card arrives and a couple guys look less than pleased to be on the group date. Nick gets the rose and just like his first impression rose, I still do not get it. They make out at the top of a clock tower…”Kissing Nick is Ahhh-may-zing”. Sigh, she is a lawyer.

Group Date
The 1.5 black guys are on this date and Andi says “today we are going to separate the Boyz from the Men”...and I am really curious as to how the .5 is going to react when he sees the group 1.0 definitely reacts excitedly, .5 does not seem to have a reaction at all...the Opera guy sings a bit of opera (yup it is getting old quickly).
Want to see three guys who quickly realized their career is in a bad place?

The guys start vocal training with Boyz II Men (B2M) and it is as terrible as you expect it to be. .5 actually gets some screen time even if it is only to show that he cannot sing. Turns out that Andi is also a terrible singer. Seriously though...what happened to the bassist from B2M? (I know the wikipedia answer but that seems so very fishy).
The B2M concert begins and the guys are jamming out in the crowd waiting their turn while wearing B2M gear from the 90s,andi-dorfman-the-bachelorette-season-10-38 
Chris Harrison introduces the group which make me think this was not a real concert...The opera singer leads off, not sounding as good as he thinks he does, but then the rest chip in and I see why he might think he sounds great, 1.0 ends his portion of the song and .5 takes it up...coincidence? A few of the guys forgot the words, they were only given a line or 2 and they forgot the words? Andi does not sing I guess they realized how bad she was and decided not to risk it.
I liked this tweet

The evening portion of the date begins - Andi decides to mess with Codi, claiming that some guys told her that he has a girlfriend, he reacts well looking like he was genuinely hurt that anyone would claim that...I was half hoping he would fess up to having one. Some one on one time with Eric he says the words “is it weird…” and I cannot help immediately saying, “Yes, because I know you are dead”

[Date card shows up and JJ the Pantsrapreneur gets the one on one. ]
Marcus tells Andi that he has wanted to kiss her for awhile and that brute force attack works...she then immediately kisses the next guy (Josh M) on camera (see Marcus, it was special). Josh gets the rose, does that mean he was the better kisser?

One on One date:

JJ shows up in some not so great pants...makes me wonder about his job title. His date with Andi has them being transformed by makeup artists into old people, because Andi wants to see how they would look if they grew old together...because this is science. andi-dorfman-the-bachelorette-season-10-27
They then go out in Santa Barbara to try to fool people, I feel bad for JJ since he has to hunch over to walk with Andi.

.5 gets a phone call that he does not want the camera to follow him on. It appears to be emotional news so of course we cut to commercial.

We cut back to Andi and JJ and they are now pretending to be athletic old people andi-dorfman-the-bachelorette-season-10-24
JJ asks if he can “steal a kiss” you are not stealing a kiss sir if you ask...but of course she kisses him - we are talking about Andi here.

A cut back to .5 who since he is going through an emotional moment I have to call by his real name - Ron has to leave because of death to a close friend...jeez even when we do not get voted off black people can never seem to stay on this show...really wish Armani and E were with me now, I would love to see their reaction.

Back to Andi and JJ and they are clearly having fun on their date, the problem with this is that this cheesy date does not translate well to TV, I would rather follow Ron’s limo back to wherever he has to go. I am impressed that Ron; A. did not make his exit overly dramatic and B. did not appear to hesitate when the choice to go home came.

During commercials I have been digging through boxes looking for my modem...I suddenly find it and could not be happier, I mean I have a mini chub I am so happy. Cannot risk setting it up now since I am so close to the end of this terrible show, but oh man as soon as this thing is off I am connecting!!!!

JJ and Andi are doing the evening portion of their date and I am staring at my new apartment debating where to set up the modem. I was so annoyed at myself earlier for being a pack rat (and I am still saddened by it) but thankfully that pack rat mentality is why I found the modem. Jeez this show is boring, I keep talking about my modem instead of it. JJ pretends that he is insecure, sure you are works - he gets the rose. I eat my 4th Klondike ice cream bar of the day, I am going to be at the gym for 3 hours tomorrow.

Andi addresses the Ron situation and manages to make it about herself...impressive. Hmm my Chromebook does not have an Ethernet port, guess I am not ditching my Windows laptop immediately. Eric is on a one on one with Andi and then a huge bouquet of flowers from Nick arrives, it leaves Eric speechless...well done Nick - it earns him a kiss, though we now know those are not special.

During his one on one Marquel asks Andi what her favorite color is, she says "Black, is black a color?" Marquel has a huge grin and I await a text from E...she does not fail me - "Bow chicka bow wow"...I know her so well

Andrew apparently hit on a waitress one of the nights the group was out, he got her number and brought it back to show the other guys...if that really happened, could he have been that dumb? He is confronted by the 2 guys that already have roses. They of course tell him, that they are there for the right reasons! Andrew walks off with the guys chasing after him telling him to be a man. Commercial break, we come back and he is still hidden in his this point in 'Love and Hip Hop' punches would already have been thrown, come on Andrew, come out swinging.

He finally comes out of his room, (his speech seems rehearsed) he claims that the waitress just handed him the number (he is not good looking enough for that) and that what all the guys remember is wrong. Andrew does the move of confronting the accusers and trying to belittle them I have used that move...not saying it is the best move it is just a move I am very familiar with.

None of the guys tell Andi about the Andrew situation and the rose ceremony begins.
1.0 aka Marquel gets his rose (I know, I know it is terrible of me to track his progress). The final rose is down to Andrew, the opera singer and I think the hair stylist, for the sake of drama and my peace of mind, I want the opera singer to go and for Andrew to get works out. The opera singer gets booted on the episode that had a singing competition - glorious.

The preview for tomorrow has Andi yelling at someone and it is clearly not Marquel...ask me how I know.

The blooper reel shows the guys singing B2M’s ‘I’ll make love to you” I think that song is ruined forever, btw Mistresses premiers tomorrow...just saying.

No comments:

Blog Archive

About Me

My photo
Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.