Infrequently updated consistently funny

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Bachelorette 2xs in one week and I think I am going to gag.

I am ‘working’ from the library today, so watching this via the iPad app (yup that’s right, my cable is up and working and I am legit again). I requested a meeting room, and the lady who gave me the pass key looks me up and down and then hands me Room 420...I suspect she made assumptions (or it was just a coincidence). Good grief, this preview segment is going on 2 minutes 40 seconds - you are probably thinking that about this preview paragraph too, so off to the show.

They are in New England this week at the Mohegan Sun
bachelorette bathutb
Dylan gets the first one on one date - I confess I missed a portion of this, I really am working...I know you did not believe me.
Andi and Dylan will be on a steam train, the juvenile in me snickers when I think of Andi and a train. Wow she makes the terrible pun that their relationship “might pick up a little steam” 
They talk about their longest relationships: I realize that, I hate talking about my own bad breakups and hate hearing other peeps whine about theirs. Dylan plays the sympathy card and notes that his ex broke up with him the day after his brother’s funeral. He is also doing the heavy sigh, and look away routine, trying to play coy, it seems to be working.

The group date card arrives and it says “Whose got game?” if they cannot decipher that, they should just ask 1.0, he will know.

Back to Andi and Dylan ("Who are the 5 greatest rappers of all time?"), and he tells her that later she will see the real Dylan, she brings up a good point, “I want to see the real Dylan now”. Come on with it homie, there is only a finite time here. So of course he breaks down and tells her...his sister OD’d and it caused his brother problems (he was also a drug user), he ended up in a coma (100% brain dead) and if you read above you obviously know what the end result was. Well this is a bit of a downer. E texted me on Monday “When a guy on TV says I need to tell you XYZ, which isn’t something I don’t really tell anybody (except all of America going on 4 times now). Sigh. Do these people really not understand they’re on a tv show?” I am pretty sure she was watching this moment...and I agree, it felt like a sympathy ploy...and it works. Andi is giving him the rose and stressing to him that it is not a pity rose. Dylan to me looks like he would rather be elsewhere whenever Andi starts her speechifying.

He claims that Andi “cracked the emotional side of me” and I am in “one of the happier moments of my life”, all while maintaining the same blank expression - Are we sure he is not a sociopath? (Does that need an “Allegedly”?). HAPPIEST MOMENT

Group Date time:

And lo and behold it is a basketball of the guys (Brian) is a basketball coach. They are playing against a collection of WNBA allstars and they are getting smoked. The girls are practically running a layup line. At one point the score is flashed as 30-08 you can guess the 30 point team. The game is so bad that Andi pretends that she is suddenly changing the plan and that she is going to allow the guys to play against each other - because the fact that there were jerseys for opposite teams just waiting for them in the locker room is a complete coincidence.

Brian actually tries to coach his team, he is drawing up plays...good luck with that. After this he should send his resume into the OKC Thunder, that would be the first time they ever saw a playbook. Andi is standing in between the WNBA players and she looks like a Lilliputian (google it, or crack a book).
 Now that they are not actually playing good players...the game is finally competitive. Thanks to bad knees I am pretty bad at basketball, but I could take the majority of these guys. Andi is turned on...shocking a DA becoming intrigued by competition.

The game is tied at the half 6-6, like I said competitive, I did not say good. Brian in the 2nd half takes over, Andi is starting to get flushed. Brian’s team also has 1.0 on it...and he gets a decent amount of screen time hmm no stereotype here. The team also has the meat head personal trainer that looks like Macklemore, and the professional adventurer it really does not seem fair.

We get many unnecessary shots of the losing team looking pissed off and expressing their anger at losing - like normal guys.

The winning guys get their evening date portion with Andi and Eric goes first, Andi notes that their is some stalling in their relationship - I know I am coming in clouded but now everything she says just seems tinged with doom. Eric brings up that he made a whole United States trip to see family members because he did not know when he would see them again (I almost wish they had edited that out).

Brian the coach gets his one on one time and he of course takes Andi to the basketball court, she expresses a lot of interest, she says “Stahhhpppp” a few times and clearly had a thing for her basketball coach in high school...she gives him every sign to kiss her, he even acknowledges it later in his confessional, she says it in hers and you even see her moving in for the kiss while he goes in for the hug. He even hit a half court shot with the hint that a kiss was on the line and he still did not go for it.

So the very next guy (Nick) on his one on one, immediately gets a kiss from Andi and I cannot help but think that was supposed to be Brian’s kiss and he just got her fired up for another guy. Bad job coach, guess this is why you are not a player. (Yes I hurt my shoulder patting myself on the back for that one.) By the way, Andi’s dress WHOOOO I am ashamed of Brian for not making out with her just for the dress. He at least gets the rose.

One on One:
The date card said “The sky is the limit” and Marcus looks nervous. Andi professes a fear of heights and then says “it is definitely something I requested” she wants to get out of her comfort zone and face her fear of heights…way to use the usual jumping, bungee, rappelling budget to your advantage. Has there ever been a season of this series that has not included something involving heights? I know in the past I have said the Bachelor/Bachelorette producers must own their own limo company by now, but now I think, they probably just own their own adventure company...I can imagine dozens of people who would go on excursions, just because it has the Bachelorette Brand attached.
Andi freezes on the top of the building, a natural fear I think, I sometimes think that attorneys have a harder time doing Daredevil type stuff because we over think it and start to think of all the flaws and dangers.

They rappel right past the rooms of all the other guys, Marcus asks Andi if she wants to kiss infront of the other guys, she smartly says no. But no big deal, she kissed him earlier and then of course kisses him on the ground.

On the evening portion of the date they toast and I notice that they have different wines, Marcus has a white wine and I like him more...fight the convention of everyone picking red wines...white wine is where it is at!!!!

Andi admits that guys have cheated on her, I wish I was shocked. At the end of dinner they go to a concert by a country act (Jon Pardi) that I just do not know, they dance on a platform surrounded by other people in the casino while the act ‘serenades’ them? They of course kiss a lot in front of the ‘concert goers (yes I am skeptical), totally normal for a date.

(Notice the Margaritaville sign)

The rose ceremony approaches and Andi’s boobs (I already miss you Community) are pinched into a dress (in her confessional). But we cut back to her in a hotel room and she is reading a love letter (the video shows a white hand writing it…[could be creative editing] which rules out 1.0).
The guys all try to steal time, to talk to Andi. Brian takes Andi back to the court telling her he regretted not kissing her and Andi says “thank god” and pulls him in for the kiss.
Marquel works for the UFC and he claims he is going to show her moves to defend herself, I am sure none of that has anything to do with her having to touch him repeatedly. cookie monster cookies (I got that gif from I do not know if it is theirs originally but I love it, whomever came up with it.)

Eric then interrupts.
He tells Andi that she has a poker face, this pisses Andi off I would say this was a bad decision, but since we all know he made a worse one later this just seems like a blemish. Andi starts crying and yelling and the guys in the other room can hear her breaking down. Eric insinuates that she is acting for the cameras (way to blow the premise sir). Andi “I cannot fight for someone who does not believe in me” you can slowly see the dawn of realization on Eric’s face as he realizes that he said the wrong thing in his attempt to come across as ‘the real guy’.

Andi gives the group a speech that this is all real to her (she messed up and did not say the right reasons, so a tonne of viewers did not get to take a shot) and that if anyone thinks she is not there to find love they should just leave now. Ouch Eric on his outbound confessional says “love is the reason to live”...I really am surprised they didn’t edit out more parts of his stay, then again in the grand scheme his stay was brief.

Instead of the rose ceremony the last minutes of the show are filled with a conversation between Andi and Chris Harrison discussing Eric. I do wonder how Andi feels since it (and it could be editing) looks like her last words to Eric were filled with anger, at least they hugged on the break. This little featurette feels forced and unnecessary. We find out that production found out about the death of Eric during the hometown dates. We are also told that Tasos was the other guy sent home. I wish they would do this show like wrestling, never send the fans home unhappy, cut to a fun scene or something, but alas...At least it was followed by an episode of Mistresses (which *cough* *cough* I obviously do not watch).

No comments:

Blog Archive

About Me

My photo
Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.