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Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Bachelorette Review - Scarfing time in Brussels

This week we travel to Brussels (it would be so awesome if Jean Claude Van Damme just randomly showed up). Before starting the show I did 143 push-ups, I think that will cancel out whatever this show does to my masculinity...okay I just wanted to boast that I did that many push-ups.
Chris Hanson meets the guys in the hotel room to I guess teach them about numbers? “There are 6 of you guys here”. Slight change in plans, no roses on the one on one dates. 3 of the 6 are wearing scarves indoors, the others are wearing hoodies, is there a dressing draw they do before each episode short stick you get a hoodie, long one a scarf?

Marcus gets the one on one:
Immediately I notice something that E texted me about, Andi keeps her mouth wide open a lot...I will not type what E said it should be filled with. Marcus and Andi talk about his plans of leaving; he claims that it was because he was afraid of his feelings for her - Andi falls for it. Again this woman is a lawyer…

The evening portion is at the Academy Palace a beautiful setting but the mood turns dark quickly, Andi asks Marcus whose house they would go to if she went on the hometown date Marcus says his sister's. Marcus describes the brutal childhood his mom grew up in. Since this is a dating show, let me break it down dispassionately, if I had my pick of 6 good candidates (not sure these 6 are, but lets pretend for the hypo) there is no way I am picking the candidate that has come from a damaged home, especially since psychology typically points to persons coming from troubled backgrounds having troubles themselves...He could turn out to be completely fine...but why risk it? Andi finds his opening up sexy, they noisily kiss alot.

When Marcus returns from his date Nick sneaks out and decides to try and go up to Andi’s room. We are supposed to believe that the front desk at this hotel is so unbelievably stupid that Nick can get not only the number of Andi’s room but a key to it simply by telling the front desk that he lost his key, forgot his room number and that the room is in his wife’s name. YUP sure that plan worked, 
I am also sure that the cameras following you into the lobby did not clue the desk clerk into the fact that you are part of the production that is shooting in their hotel.
(doesn't Andi kind of look scared for a second?)

Easily impressed Andi goes for a walk with Nick. They make out, because that is the easiest thing to do rather than continue the boring convo they were having.

Josh and Andi start their one on one:
I miss the first part because my ex is threatening to call my Dad’s advice line and expose some of the stuff we talk about...I act brave, and call her bluff, inside I am quaking.
Andi is mad that Josh will not open up to her. I am not sure Josh is articulate enough. Andi is also worried that Josh is not falling in love with her (even if that would be a normal thing).

A group date card arrives and Nick immediately spouts off about his confidence, I love that the producers are painting him as a villain since I already think he has such a punchable face.

Josh finally gets the hint that Andi really wants him to say he loves her so he feels contrived. But of course he gets the kiss. Andi says that his saying it lets her know “that this is real” - even though in a normal setting it would be the least real thing ever. They really turned up the kissing mic tonight. Andi has to tell us the name of tonight’s musical guest (oh what you say this is not a talk show?) she looks into the camera and I think she had to do multiple takes before getting the name of the band right “American Young”.

An ad for ABC’s music competition show pops up, my ex and I had been talking about it and neither of us could remember the name and even with the ad I have forgotten the name because all I keep doing is yelling at Ludacris on my screen with “pay your child support homie”. If you are rich, you should never ever end up in the public eye for ‘failure to pay’ on child support (if you are poor that should not happen either) there is no excuse for that level of slackness.

Group date time - aka time for forced puns
Dylan “These ruins stood the test of time, and I am hoping that Andi and I’s relationship can also stand the test of time”...RUINS Dylan, that what you want your relationship to be in?
The guys start to pedal a cart along a track, they are all connected to the same cart yet it looks like they are trying to race each other. Andi takes the guys to a monastery, and I lose respect for the monks. There is no kissing allowed within the grounds - how are they going to survive?

Chris gets the first solo interaction and Andi takes him to a pottery barn that is outside the walls, so you know there is kissing. And a mimic of the scene in ‘Ghost’.
Brian the coach keeps freaking out at the rose sitting on the table. Nick approaches it as if he has already won it. The dates are booooooorrrinnnnggg. Nick gets the rose like we all knew he would, the other 3 guys look murderous. Andi is boring, Nick is boring it just makes sense.

The 3 guys that have to leave are stuck on the same seat of a small van, these are not tiny guys. The initial shot of them in the van shows them struggling to figure out room and how to get their seat belts on.
bachelorette-dylan(are tin Sardines originally from Brussels?)

I do not call Andi and Nick boring together to bash them, I mean that when I watch them I am fully bored, I started talking wrestling via chat with my old roomie while they were doing their date, I barely followed what was going on. The producers try to shoehorn in a trope with having fireworks going off while they kiss.

Nick returns to the hotel room to awkward silence and finally the guys go in on him. 
Nick starts to reveal more and more about his strategy, the guys are mad that he came in with a plan - while I dislike him, that is just smart. The back and forth is really just one extended hissy fit.

Cocktail party time:
The guys without roses are all scrambling to impress Andi and to spend time with her. Brian is talking to Andi and Nick interrupts him, again remember Nick has his rose already. Brian like a chump immediately acquiesces to Nick’s request. If Nick does not win, he cannot become the next Bachelor that season would be impossible to watch - then again for my sanity maybe that would be the best thing to happen.

Rose ceremony:
Josh gets rose1, Marcus gets rose2 and now the important rose - Chris gets it, I guess pulling her outside to make out with her was a good decision. Josh kisses Brian goodbye!
Is it wrong that this is the most emotion he has shown all season? And that I imagine him saying this "Screw her bro, I love you man, I know I could barely say it to her but I LOVE YOU, see you after the show" Compare his kiss to Brian with his kiss with Andi

Brian has to do his goodbye confessional outside of the castle and hears the laughing of the guys inside, he reacts like anyone would...angrily.

The previews for next week shows Andi dealing with the death of Eric...yup they used the dead guy as the teaser for next week...tacky.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.