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Sunday, January 25, 2015

Bachelor recap, or...I read MLK day meaning into everything on the show.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
MLK fought so hard for equality for us all, to make everyone know that we are all equal members of the human race; that the only difference between us is skin color...the bachelor producers have still not got that memo thus I am able to watch this show tonight and realize "THE BLACK GIRL IS STILL ON!!!!" I love you MLK, I am a 'Jr' because of you (my dad does not let me use the 2nd until I have a son) but the struggle sir, it is still real!

Tonight Jimmy Kimmel joins the show (ABC cross branding at its finest) he introduces the 'Amazing' jar. Everytime someone says the word 'amazing' a dollar has to go into the jar. He kids that he is here to have sex with all the girls to test them for Chris...I suspect a few of them would have taken him up on the offer. Chris Prime already does so little on this show, adding Kimmel to this seems like over kill to have C Prime there.

Kaitlyn gets the first date The date card hints at hors'devoires so she and the other girls think it is going to be a fancy date. Instead the limo drops the off in front of a Costco. Jimmy has given them a grocery list and hijnks ensue, they do the usual fake shopping that you see on TV where people get to clown around in the store with no repercussions! Chris of course kisses her. Kiss count ONE. (btw in case some of you are smart asses the kiss count is not every kiss he gives out but rather for each girl he kisses. If it were per kiss we would run into too high a digit). Kaitlyn claims that the thing she likes about Chris is that he is not glamorous, this causes a kiss (see that would be 2) I chuckle knowing that she has prepped for this scenario. There is laughter then multiple kisses (that would be 3 or if you are the type that counts each pause as one, 7).

Jimmy shows up for the date, and starts to grill Kaitlyn as Chris grills the steak (yes I know you see what I did there). Kaitlyn claims to have dated farmers before. Jimmy says he asks the tough questions and that he is a lubricant to get things through...yup ABC. Jimmy asks Kaitlyn if at the end of the season she is watching the show with Chris and sees that he went to the fantasy suite with multiple women, would she be okay with it. She seems pretty chill and says she would be cool with it "you gotta test drive the car".

We cut to the house for the date card and there are already a tonne of $1 bills in the jar, that is amazing if amazing now stands for the least shocking thing on earth.
Back to the one on one on one (Jimmy) the rose is presented to Kaitlyn by Chris he says 'amazing' twice...sigh. I swallow 2 ibuprofens they are for my ankles but lord maybe they will stave off the headache this show might eventually cause.

Back to the show, with Jillian working out, her butt gets black barred again while squatting (happy MLK day)

The group date is a "hoe down, throw down" funny guys these producers.
Basically a stereotyped obstacle course of what life on the farm is like for a 'little lady'. Jillian does a little too much flexing. The first step is shucking corn, then grabbing an egg from a chicken coop, cracking it into a frying pan (without breaking the yolk) then milking a goat (Jillian's shorts are so short that she gets black barred again), then drinking the goat's milk (some of the girls are reacting like they are being forced to swallow acid)...Black Amber "I am kind of glad I didn't have to drink the milk...the way Kelsey described it, it was salty and warm, not stuff I like in my mouth...but some girls said it tasted like protein" come on, on MLK day? We have the black girl saying this with the smirk? Everyone has heard the stereotype of black women vs white women and oral and we cut to a picture of 2 white women with creamy milk trickling out of the side of their mouths...sigh.

The next obstacle is shoveling manure into a wheel barrow; then getting into a pig pen to grab a greased pig, Jillian vaults into the pen (black barred again) many a girl mentions her butt throughout, so I guess it really was sticking out there tonight Ludacris would say "I'm the new phenomenon like white women with Ass" (- 'Blow it out') [HAPPY MLK day]Carly wins the competitionpig The Bachelor 19, Episode 3, recap: Of course theres sex in the fantasy suite and thats okay, Kaitlyn tells Jimmy Kimmel and Chris Soules and she gets to dress up like the American Gothic painting with Chris.

Evening portion of the date, and Carly pulls Chris aside first, and thus gets to kiss him first TWO.
Black girl Amber is up next and dances with Chris (there is no music) all a pretext to kiss him THREE
Jillian kisses him as aggressively as you would expect FOUR
The 21 year old acts like a kid and says something along the lines of "Remember when I kissed you on that first night, why are you kissing other people" or to put it in the terms of a non-practical person "hey I know there are all these other girls that you may be interested in, but you kissed me first without getting to know any of them so please, pretty please go the whole show without kissing anyone else".
Rebecca gets the date rose, the girls who kissed him are not happy.

Whitney gets the one on one date and I realize that she sounds like what I would expect Alvin and the chipmunks to sound like if they hit puberty. They go to a winery. A wedding is also going on at the same time, Whitney suggests that they crash the wedding, this prompts a member of the crew to say "Are you guys serious about this?" which reveals to us that crew members sit less than 10 feet away from the daters! And that the show is heavily edited (but you knew that part, if you didn't...wait till you hear about Santa Claus). Chris and Whitney get dressed up and prep to crash the wedding with a perfectly wrapped gift and immaculate outfits (this seems more and more staged).

Chris is not very smooth at trying to bluff his way through conversations apparently Whitney is a lot better than Chris to the point that if she ever cheated on him, she could convince him that the guy in the bed beside her was just there to check her fertility for their attempts to have kids. They each try to catch the bouquet and the garter in for a penny in for a pound I guess. Dancing and you guessed it Kissing - FIVE. She of course gets the rose.

Back from commercials and Kimmel and Chris are showering together.
Chris Soules Jimmy Kimmel
 The 'amazing jar' is close to full. Kimmel announces that instead of a rose ceremony there will be a pool party BLACK BARS FOR JILLIAN again I kid you notThe black bar accompanies Jillian Anderson wherever she goes..
 One of the girls (pretty sure its Ashely I) says that she is disappointed because she was going to go for her Kardashian look and cannot do that anymore...remove her from society instantly, I am not saying euthanize her...I am not, not saying it though.

Juelia (seriously that spelling) is expressing sadness, I have a hard time getting into the story because I was so ready to mock her name, but her story is pretty dramatic so despite her name I start to get emotionally invested till she says crying "never been less scared in my entire life" (emphasis mine). It was a very serious story, but the sparkly head band, the swimsuit, the crying, the name and the 'less scared' slip up just made it so easy to gloss over. bachelor–10

Chris tries to talk about his feelings with one of the girls and she shuts him up by kissing him he is a simple man - kiss count SIX

Jade takes him away to his house for a tour of the house aka get him alone. Jillian sneaks in behind them to get into his hot tub but while she is doing that Jade and Chris jump into his bed and begin making out - SEVEN.

Jillian gets her hot tub time with Chris but Ashley I and her entourage of Megan and Mackenzie comes in with the line of "we are not interrupting, we are just joining" they however jump back out of the tub when Jillian says she has just had a minute with Chris. They go to the side Megan and Ashley I start discussing whether their makeup is cracking Mackenzie misinterprets and thinks they are talking about looking like crack whores.

Jillian goes back in for her kiss, guess that is 7.5 on the kiss count since she is a repeat customer,jill&chris this prompts Mackenzie to immediately get back in the hot tub followed by the rest of the entourage but Jillian will not take the hint and leave, in fact she commandeers the situation. This causes Ashley I to break down crying and run away. An ad for Housewife porn comes on, oh its the 50 Shades of Grey trailer...I kind of feel like I would not fight it too hard if someone I was dating 'dragged me' to it, the aftermath of sitting through that movie has got to be positive.

Chris comes and seeks Ashley I and she does her crying into kissing maneuver, she really is a lusty kisser - kiss count up to a healthy EIGHT. Drats I was hoping he would get up to a kiss count of 50% of close.

Chris stumbles over himself badly in his opening remarks at the rose ceremony. Ashley I in her confessional claims that she is a 9 on the confidence scale and says that she told Chris to call her name early he does not. Jimmy Kimmel comes out in place of Chris Prime to point out that the final rose is on the table. And the BLACK GIRL GETS CUT ON THE MLK DAY EPISODE...that is the true sign of equality! At least she gets to do an exit interview!

I really have to think about the Ratchet scale tonight yes he is willing to kiss every girl that tilts her head (but that makes sense), and we had constant black barring of a girls butt; then there was the creamy, proteiny, salty liquid...yeah I guess its at least a 5 out of 10 on the scale.

New category - Tonight's MVP (I know many peeps would give it to Jimmy Kimmel, but for me he added nothing to the episode) is Kaitlyn for practically distilling the show down to its core 'A guy or girl gets on here to test drive as many members of the opposite sex that they can get away with tapping before being called a whore then settles for chooses one at the end to hopefully stay with forever'.

As I finish typing this up I am watching the first episode of In Living Color that had J Lo on far from that block Jenny has come! 

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.