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Sunday, January 11, 2015

The Bachelor returns with 'Prince Farming'

We do the ABC gimmick of watching it live with their studio audience, this must test well since they keep doing it but I just find it bloody annoying AND the fact that they seem to be using this much filler in the premier makes me nervous for the rest of the season.
They are calling Chris Soules ‘Prince Farming’ it is equal parts puke and funny. His trainer to get in shape is Cody the meathead from Andi’s season…I miss that lunk-head.
One of the girls says that for half her life she has wanted to be on this show: at first I scoffed; then thought; then looked it up; she is 24, and the show premiered in 2002 she could be EXACTLY RIGHT…sigh.
In the studio Chris Prime (testing that name for the host) talks to a few “farmer’s wives from Iowa” dare I say, they are the very definition of the stereotype of Farmer’s wives from the Midwest. One of them notes that Chris was a few years ahead of her in high school “gurrrrl” unless you meant that he was a few years behind you…never say that out loud again!
I started watching this via the ABC app at the gym (I love this Tek-nol-lah-geeee) so I was definitely distracted, when I looked up to see Chris giving a speech I thought maybe it glitched, but it is just an ABC trick to make it seem like only 15 are there for Chris. A weird attempt since the promos all told us there were 30 girls and even the hosts opening said “Tonight a Bachelor first” or something similar, I confess, I tend to zone when Chris Prime is talking.
The girls have been split into 2 segments in terms of arrivals, 1st girls better MAKE HAY WHILE THE SUN SHINETH ladies.
The girl who works as the Jason Statham of Organ donation (come on, how often do you get a chance to reference the “Transporter) brings with her a fake bleeding heart in a cooler, sigh.
One girl has the limo driver deliver a note to Chris saying that he has a secret admirer - dork (I know she is going home) she does not let Chris see her. Heavy Sigh!
I am torn on showing up wearing short shorts and Cowboy boots with the claim “I just want you to see who I am”
Is who you are someone that can never dress up? Even for just one night?
If it works cool…but if it does not, do you regret it forever because you had to be “that girl”
More on her below – shockingly she got drunk “My best friends are Jameson, Jack Daniels and Johnnie Walker”.
Oh and her profession is listed as “sport fishing enthusiast” does this mean she watches ESPN3 late at night?
The only Black woman (that is significant to note) brings her Teddy Bear “as a comfort” HOW OLD ARE YOU? And why do I feel like you are representing my race…badly? Heavy Sigh!
Cowboy boots has changed into a black dress and come back out…so much for just being who you are. “You can plow the f—k out of my field any day” that was an opening line, I cannot remember if it was in batch 2 or not but it was memorable. CP then slaps Farmer Chris because Chris thinks it’s a dream…I want CP’s job. A girl who is a fertility nurse says “I make babies every day” then makes a comparison to inseminating pigs, I am sure the parents of kids you have helped (I doubt she does anything) love that comparison. Chris feigns shock when told by CP (still adjusting to name, by the way does the Bachelor franchise have a higher percentage of Chris’ than the general population?) that more girls are coming, but I sense relief! The First 15 had their shot, yet delayed to take advantage of their onexone times - now they are panicking…The new batch of girls all seem to have gimmicks
The flight attendant attempts to put a seatbelt on Chris, I think she did not loosen it enough
A girl rides in on a motorcycle while wearing the full gown…very impressive if foolish
A WWE diva in training shows up in a ‘dress’ that I am pretty sure is lingerie
One brought whiskey (shockingly not Tara)
One wore a pig nose “I wanted to ham it up for you”
The first set of girls were judging them harshly as they exited the limos
Another girl exits carrying a pink Karaoke machine and sings into it
Maybe they are not wrong to judge…
Chris wishes he was a polygamist, I completely understand that in a sitch like this homie.
One of the girls takes the Shrek onion analogy to heart and compares everything to onions! While doing her ‘confessional’ she spies a pomegranate and from a distance is convinced it is an onion and insists that the camera crew and producers “look at the fricking onion”…it turns out to be a pom “I feel powerful”. She also tried to give another girl a rose to get her away from Chris.
Some of these guys have been drinking a lot, Tara especially has been pounding whiskey, this is going to come back to haunt her.
The girl who gets the first impression rose gets a makeout sesh, seems early but I like it…I have no idea why she got the rose though.
Rose ceremony time
The usual dramatic music and the stares BUT WAIT, there is still 22 minutes of programming left so all the teasing re ‘craziness’ might actually be true.

Tara she of the whiskey pounding is having an uncomfortable time on the platform. Tapping her feet, rubbing her hands vigorously, getting cold and wobbly on her feet – the show cuts to her then cuts to Chris looking stone faced then suddenly walking off, hard to tell if that was all in real time. I guess it was, since Chris is seen with Chris Prime (the host) and he tells him that he was planning to give Tara a rose but that her drunken state is making him reconsider. Memo to everyone going into a situation of nerves and meeting peeps where impressions are key DO NOT GET BLOTTO DRUNK, Tara got the rose but it was touch and go.
Many of the girls are NOT happy that the drunken girls are getting roses. And many voice that through tears as they go home. It looks like it is daylight when they are doing the goodbye ‘stand ups’ it really does look like the ‘walk of shame’.
The secret admirer is sent home.
A girl who does not get a rose, walks back in and steals Chris away from talking to the other girls. We do not get to find out if her strategy works until next week…The upcoming season looks……………………………….ratchet

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.