Infrequently updated consistently funny

Monday, August 18, 2014

The Bachelorette finale or, I really just do not care anymore...get me to paradise

ABC does that joke move of starting the show with a live audience...if I cared what other people thought I would watch live and track twitter.
Screen shot 2014-07-30 at 7.22.51 PM
We return to the Dominican Republic (the DR) and I am now convinced ABC probably has a deal there. Nick gets to meet Andi’s family and comes bearing gifts for the Dad Screen shot 2014-07-30 at 7.25.17 PMand the mom, I think the producers put him up to it. I still love that Andi’s dad’s name is Hy. Andi’s mom thinks Nick is a little reserved - she may be too polite to say boring. Nick thanks the family for Andi and talks with his hands alot. Screen shot 2014-07-30 at 7.44.00 PM

Nick and the dad sit down together and Nick says “I have a connection with your daughter, but I don’t know what it is”...smooth. Nick asks Andi’s dad for permission to marry Andi, and gets permission - only a few possibilities here, Nick is a master close up hypnotist, the show edited a tonne of material out of their interaction or Andi’s dad is just tired of being on this show and thinks that saying yes will end his contract faster.  

Nick and Andi have an ugly kissing session, it is loud and it is funky looking. As I type this my friend B is humble bragging to me about how much sex he is getting, even from girls he is trying to break up friend B is going to get punched in the face.

Josh is up next, Andi’s family laughs at her for travelling around the world and then finding a guy from her hometown. Josh comes in and is like Nick, bearing gifts for mom and dad. Andi’s mom calls him loud and boisterous...again are they editing this massively? Josh gets to talk to Andi’s sis and bro in law and I swear the bro in law winks at Josh.

Josh and Andi’s dad walk out to do their ‘talk’ they are both basically wearing the same outfit - they look like a before and after poster. He easily gives his blessing again.Screen shot 2014-07-30 at 7.59.27 PM
These talks are way too soft, he grilled Juan Pablo so much harder...I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

One on One date time with Josh:
Andi says she wants to reminisce the first date...aka the producers said “we have a boat”.Screen shot 2014-07-30 at 8.07.28 PM
Andi says they are going to cruise the Caribbean like they cruised the Mediterranean. If that boat goes even close to international waters I would be shocked. This date is BOOOOORRRIIIINNNNNGGG but in fairness, by this point in the show unless they start fighting, it is going to be hard to interject fun into these dates, I am just sticking it out because I watched all the other bloody episodes, and I hate myself.

The evening portion:
More boring convo, Andi has Andi face where she looks like she is thinking about anything but what the person before her is talking about. 
Josh gives her a gift, it is a baseball card of her, what is smart about this is that Andi loves talking about herself (no judgment here, I am the same), so the card is something she is guaranteed to love.
Josh wrote a letter to Andi about the card and then reads the whole what was the point of the letter? On the card he lists Andi with his last name Andi Murray, smooth move, she rolls the name around on her tongue and seems to like it.

Nick is up next, I miss the preamble because I am too busy looking up AYCE lobster buffets… it is amazing how much other things I get done while this show is on. I know some of my friends wonder why I watch this show - I watch because my productivity skyrockets.

Andi and Nick talk to each other about asking her dad’s permission for marriage, apparently he is a pushover, really makes me wonder about the Juan Pablo interaction.
Evening Portion:
Nick is very creepy when he looks directly into the camera. Nick gives a very terrible toast and Andi says “I love when you ramble”, it’s cute to you now but think about that 4 years into marriage!!! 
What kind of prosecutor would love living with a man who rambles on about nothing? While Nick tries to form words I check out we have a new coach and we keep kicking players off the team, I have a tonne of hope for the future but the start might be rough.
Sorry back to the show, Nick gives Andi a gift of some sand from the beach where he first told her he loves her encased into a necklace. My usual response of, "I guess, it’s sweet."

We get a voice over from Andi while the show reveals both guys shirtless (and the ladies in the audience which the show made sure to pipe in, ooh and ah).

Neil Lane does his usual seasonal appearance, Screen shot 2014-07-30 at 8.53.03 PM
they do the pretense of making it seem that there is a wide selection of rings, I wonder what happens if both guys pick the same ring? 
Just as Josh is picking a ring, there is a knock on Nick’s door and instead of Neil Lane...Andi appears dun dun duhhhhhh.

My friend and I start arguing about Texas’ first opponent of the year, he thinks that the schedule is too soft to get to a national title game, I remind him that FSU played Nevada and Bethune-Cookman in their first 3 weeks - it is not how you start... While this is going on Chris is interviewing Bachelor Alum I glaze over.

Back to the show, Andi uses Nick’s words against him, he told her that when he got engaged he woke up the next morning feeling like something was not right, she tells him she woke up with the same feeling. That feeling is boredom. Even in his fight for her love Nick is boring, he asks “is this about us, or is it about somebody else”.
Screen shot 2014-07-30 at 9.39.03 PM
HERE IS A HINT FELLAH...this is a competition, if it is not you, it is the other guy...
I am now comparing torpedo shrimp recipes against panko shrimp recipes. Nick finally gets my attention by saying to Andi “sometimes I think you took it too far”. Oooh scandal? Nope it is just the stuff she said to him. Screen shot 2014-07-30 at 9.38.07 PM
Nature works perfectly for the producers (it is a tropical isle) and rain comes pouring down. 
Screen shot 2014-07-30 at 9.42.49 PM
Nick takes a rose or fragments of roses (from past episodes) out of his bag and tosses it into the rubbish. Screen shot 2014-07-30 at 9.43.29 PM
He has to pack a bag and enter the goodbye SUV he finally breaks down/pretends to cry? acknowledges that Andi might like Josh more. Screen shot 2014-07-30 at 9.46.23 PM

They cut to the live audience and a woman there clearly wants to cry. Apparently Andi has refused to meet with Nick since she said adios in the DR.

Time for Andi and Josh to meet on the ‘deck of love’ Josh has a rehearsed speech that he is speeding through, at points he closes his eyes and it is clear that he is just trying to remember his lines. While they prattle I try to find the Longhorn Network on my Cable. Andi tells Josh that she has loved him from the moment she laid eyes on him...try to remember that Nick got the first impression Rose. Josh falls to his knees, positions the box so that we can read Neil Lane and proposes.Screen shot 2014-07-30 at 10.00.10 PM
Andi immediately says yes but spends alot of the post ‘yes’ time staring at the ring.
Screen shot 2014-07-30 at 10.00.08 PM

Time for the after show...I am already committed so why stop now?
We catch up with Nick Nick contemplates the meaning of love
and his mom, Mary with the nose ring
the gist is Nick is heartbroken. Nick flies to LA (he makes it seem as if he paid for it) to see Andi, she refuses to see him, but he asks Chris Harrison to give her a letterNick's love note
which he of course does and encourages Andi to read it. Chris Harrison
I want to mock him, but eh if you are in love I guess it is the least you could do to try to get the woman.

Nick comes on stage looking sharp in a suit, but still very dull in attitude (sorry could not resist). Andi has to face him and comes out in a white lace number...uhmm are we supposed to think the wedding is going to happen live on camera? Nick keeps mentioning the letter and not saying anything, it is a very passive display for a man who claims to be heartbroken but wants the girl back. Chris has to probe him. Andi says that she was never in love with him. Nick says “if you were not in love with me I am not sure why (pause) you made love with me”. 
Andi says “that is below the belt...something that should be kept private” I agree with her, but I still love that he said it.Andi and Nick
Man I hope Josh is hearing this. This THIS is why I doubt I could take this show seriously if I was on it, while many of us know that the person we marry is not a virgin, we tend to not to have to see reminders of it.

Andi gets defensive, I wonder if she is thinking ‘damn I have to explain this to my dad and my ‘future’ husband’. They run a preview of Bachelor in Paradise, just the preview looks better than this entire season of the Bachelorette.

Josh comes out and they do the lovey dovey young couple thing, they have been sneaking around since the show wrapped its taping wearing wigs and disguises to see each other. 
Andi again says that she is not pregnant and Josh says “I am trying”. 
Josh wants to get Andi pregnant
The show brings out Grumpy Cat (like Andi I cannot understand how this is a thing) to mock Andi’s constant frown (now that is a thing).

We were not told who the new Bachelor is.

I hate myself

No comments:

Blog Archive

About Me

My photo
Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.