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Monday, August 04, 2014

Bachelorette Recap or, I nearly died tonight and terrible tv is just what I need

I nearly died tonight, I know most people say that as an exaggeration but for me it was true. I was at the scene of a horrific accident between a car and motorcycle while I was in the crosswalk. The motorcyclist landed at my feet as in I had to skip around him to land safely and to call the cops. I spent almost 2 hours with the police as they diagrammed out the area and tried to find more witnesses...I do not yet know if the motorcyclist lived, I just know that it was shocking.

The Bachelorette goes to the Dominican Republic and again Jamaica...step yo game up! We get shots of Andi writing in her room and i wonder if she is doing a Pros and Cons list for each guy - then the show cuts to clips of Andi hanging out with each of the guys and Andi doing a voice over, so yeah she was just writing to allow filler time. So I just get to skip past that and it immediately shaves 10 minutes off this show.

Now to shots of Andi on the beach, since we did not get any hot tub time this season methinks she was told, “get thee to a bikini” by the producers. The Suave commercials have run out of candidates people willing to do them which leads to a recycling of the commercial featuring Desiree - I still do not watch it.

Nick is up first:

The helicopter budget kicks back in - like most people Nick has never been on a helicopter, Andi pretends like joining this franchise was not her first time on one. 
I have noticed this year that they have slowly stopped pretending that the Bachelorette/Bachelor ‘created’ the date. They still sometimes slip up and use words like “I decided we” but for the most part they now acknowledge they had nothing to do with the set up.

Nick says like so many times I think I am going to have to skip back and do a count yup he said it 5 times in 2 sentences and still did not get to his point. He even acknowledges that he is rambling. Andi is concerned about Nick’s bad breakups and he cannot explain them away effectively.

The evening portion of the date begins and like Nick says like a lot in like his confessional to tell us that like he wanted to tell Andi he loves her but like he is afraid of getting hurt.

Andi asks Nick to tell her something embarrassing, he tells her that he has written a fairy tale, he just happens to have a book perfectly typed up, bound and illustrated with recaps of their time together, which allows the show to do recap flashbacks. He had a TON of time.
His book (to be continued) ends with Princess Andi asking Nick if he would like to spend time with her in the fantasy suite, another great segue by him - this guy has really studied this show and how to game the system. I take a strong slug of Jamaican rum, while Nick uses 200 words to just say yes to the fantasy suite.

NIck finally tells Andi that he loves her, but does it before they go into the fantasy suite, is he doing it for the camera?

Josh is up next:

Nick got the helicopter beach date, Josh gets to walk around Santo Domingo with Andi. He purchases an aphrodisiac, and Andi is impressed that he speaks spanish. Just like last year, we are supposed to believe there is just a random street dance going on...Look I am from the Caribbean, I spent a lot of my life there, I have toured the islands - THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN.Bachelorette Andi and Josh
They come upon some kids playing baseball and one of the kids asks Josh and Andi and no other spectators if they would like to play. This date might set the record for fake ‘real’ scenarios. Let’s see, aphrodisiac, Josh’s spanish, street dance, and baseball so far. I pour more rum, my plan is to not wake up early.

The evening portion kicks in;
The conversation is vapid, the deep question is “what kind of parent will you be?”. I have my 4th ‘shot’ of rum if I had done it for everytime Nick said ‘like’ and Josh says ‘you know’ I would be dead by now instead of rejoicing that my slow walking pace keeping me out of the car’s pathway. A switch flicks in Andi and she starts to question why Josh always seems to be happy, would it be better if he could not pretend to be happy for the short time the show is filming? Andi presents Josh with the fantasy suite card, he eagerly accepts Andi tries to be demure.

Josh still not understanding how this show works says “it is amazing that just as we are walking to the fantasy suite fireworks go off” He cannot possibly think those were a coincidence right? We see them spending time in a pool in the fantasy suite with a lot of making out and gyrations - filler.

Time for Chris:
Andi ‘takes’ him to a ranch - yup that is right, the guy who is a farmer is taken to a farm! I would give a lot to hear what he was thinking in his head as he drove up. If we needed further proof that Andi does not create the dates, they are going riding but Andi confesses that she is not comfortable around horses.
She also reveals that she knows very little about how much horses weigh she called it a “3000lb animal”. Chris calls the Dominican Republics method of farming a 1930s method, must be nice Mr. Farmer with your fancy first world technology.

I have been hearing rumors that Chris is the next Bachelor if so, that season is going to be Boooooring. I like Chris the person, I do not like Chris the Bachelor candidate. For instance they again played Ghost in the Graveyard aka really just hide and seek when only TWO people are playing it. Let’s see, I have time to spend with a hot girl and instead I am going to go and hide in a bush? If you are taking shots everytime I ask a question...good luck.

Evening portion:

I need to take a shower, but I am pretty sure I might pass out in the warm water. Chris again brings up living in Iowa to Andi. Andi tries to be tactful about living there, while Chris tries to sell her on the joys of living in Iowa she makes crinkle face. 3 more ice cubes another pour of rum and I listen to Andi say ‘like’ alot while explaining to Chris that she is at a crosswords and unsure of inviting him to the fantasy suite. I have noticed that as this season goes on Andi has a really hard time not looking bored when others are talking - maybe she really isn’t bored but if so, she needs to tell her face. 
Andi starts to cry and confesses that she has been using “I cannot see myself in Iowa” as an excuse because she cannot see herself with Chris.

Chris is quickly realizing that his fantasy suite dreams are about to fade away, he tries to go the calm route the “hey girl, why can’t you like me for me” route, it does not work. He is still a gentleman and offers her his arm as she walks him out. He is very kind to Andi, and is very smooth as he accepts her rejection, I fear this is just going to make peoples’ hearts melt for him and secure him the Bachelor spot, but even this kindness is part of why he should not be the Bachelor, there is no fire in this guy. You want red for a reality show, Chris paints only in beige.

Allow me a moment, Andi has already had 3 dates in the sun, and 2 fantasy suite nights, she probably just wants to sleep a night alone and Chris unfortunately caught her at that moment.

Chris Harrison: Fireside chat time (or unlit candles time).

I stand corrected, even though it is bright daylight, there is a flickering candle in the background - so funnily unnecessary. I have had enough to drink that I want to call my exes or my parents (basically the people who I keep close, but rarely call), I resist because I am not the type to panic others just because I am dealing with issues. If I called my parents now they would think my brother had died.

Andi explains what the producers told her why we are still having a rose ceremony - because the 2 remaining guys have to actually accept the roses to go forward. The clips for Bachelor in Paradise look awesome because all I see is clip after clip of crying and that makes me happy.

Rose Ceremony time:

The guys arrive separately and have no idea that Chris is gone. In his confessional Josh is drenched in sweat. When Chris Harrison tells the guys that Chris is gone, Nick positively glows. Andi makes sure to tell the guys that she sent Chris home BEFORE the fantasy suite, sounds like she is trying to stress to the other 2 guys “I DID NOT SLEEP WITH HIM”.

Obviously most people know the person they are with has slept with someone else before them, but standing on a small platform beside the guy you think probably slept with the girl that you think you love, has got to be difficult.

Post show bloopers, Andi and Nick were both bed wetters.

I cannot bother to go back through this and edit it beyond adding pictures (I drank a tonne while typing it up and any mistakes should probably just remain).

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.