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Monday, January 19, 2015

Bachelor Recap or Prince Farming goes a kissing!

Last week we ended with a girl walking back in to talk to Chris, her scheme to get back on the show works. When Chris announces it to the other girls they give a half-hearted cheer while giving her the “bitch you are dead” stares. One girl even says “this broad” which I am pretty sure is her nice way of saying Bitch. I really think Chris is going to ho it up this season: He keeps talking about this as the greatest opportunity any man could be given… (as I come back to edit this, that statement is so true).
And we get the obligatory half naked shots of Chris. I am over-weight, I accept it, but yeesh to get on the Bachelor I would have to drop 50lbs and I already bloody work out - but to get the chance to date 30 women, it would be worth it. Oh wait I am still black! So yeah I might as well just watch as a fan and have no delusions.
Megan has angry eyes when she finds out that she is not one of the first 6 to hang with Chris while we cut to Chris trying to figure out the perfect position to stop the zipper of his sweatshirt to show off his chest...not sure he knew this moment would air. “I am more Kardashian than country” that is an actual thing a girl utters when speculating about their “country date”, can we just agree as a world to never use the Kardashians as a positive comparison? Please? Please? Pretty please? 
The requisite pool party occurs - gotta get these girls in their bikinis as fast as possible. Jillian ‘News Producer’ decides to sneak over to Chris’ house with Megan. Her bikini bottom is so skimpy that the Bachelor has to blur it from the front, the side and the back. I think they might be overdoing it, I hope they are overdoing it because gurrl if you are wearing something that need a hug. View image on TwitterMegan discovers Chris’ motorcycle helmet so she rams her head into various inanimate objects while wearing the helmet, I suspect she was forced to wear one as a kid and is just reliving those memories. 
The girls are ‘forced’ to walk around downtown LA in their bikinis so that they can race tractors. It is the slowest tractor race ever, which is probably the safest thing the show could do. Long time readers know I am terrible with names and I hate rewinding so I do not know her name, but one of the girls tells the others that the reason why she is a single mom is because her husband killed himself shortly after her daughter was born. 
Chris takes one of the girls from the group date (her name is Mackenzie) on a solo date and the conversation in a word is weird. She talks to Chris about his nose, she talks to him about aliens and she tells Chris that she has not gone on a date in over a year because...she has a kid. Now I know why she seems so childish on this date - she is 21. No way should she be on this show this young (gosh I feel like an old fogey). She shows Chris pictures of her son and says “I knew when you saw him you would love him” moms always think that. Mackenzie gets the date rose.
The date card arrives and it is for Megan, but she thinks it is just a love note to her; the other girls have to explain to her that it means she gets a date. During the commerical break the Gary Busey Amazon ad comes on and I think, Megan would get along well with him. We come back from commercials and Mackenzie is telling the girls about how many times she kissed Chris...they loved it.  
Megan and Chris head to an airport and this season’s helicopter budget’ kicks in; Megan says that she does not know where they are going and that “it is a mystery” to her, I suspect things like basic arithmetic and reading comprehension are also mysteries to her. They land the helicopter in the Grand Canyon and I realize that the space between Megan’s ears will not be the emptiest thing in this episode. Megan says some really sad stuff about her dad but in truth I start to zone out, this is ‘too much sad’ this early in the season, plus I have things to do while this show is on...time is going. Megan gets the rose and they kiss – number 2. 
Another date card, Amber the black girl says “my heart really pumps harder when I see one of those WHITE envelopes” okay okay she didn’t emphasize the white, I just couldn’t resist. The group date card has a reference to death, this has the girls freaking out. Their limo is surrounded by zombies and this petrifies most of the girls who apparently have forgotten they are on an ABC show, the same ABC that is owned by DISNEY but hey, they are not on this show for their brains. Plus, like I said last week, I do not believe the ‘professions’ listed for most of these girls. The night’s activity is to hunt zombies with paintball guns. The FBI might want to start monitoring Ashley’s activities, she was a little too eager to shoot her teammates with the paintball gun despite their repeated statements that they were only hunting zombies, not each other.

Amber the black girl (yes I have to give her full title) nearly shoots the camera man [I know a sizeable portion of the audience would have expected her to be better with a gun]. There is so much screaming, sooooooo much screaming. Ashley just model walks through the crowd of Zombies and puts ‘safety’ shots into already dead zombies, I am not saying she is psychotic, that requires a diagnosis, I am just saying...monitor her. 
The girls at home need to entertain themselves so Jordan decides to show them that she can was not a good twerk. She also makes fun of Jillian’s ass, claiming it is hairy, so of course now I wonder if that was the reason for the censor bar. 
Back on the date Ashely is acting strangely, Juelia makes fun of her and all I can think is “YOUR NAME IS SPELLED JUELIA, how can you make fun of anyone?” Chris makes out with Kaitlyn, that is 3 girls so far this episode. Ashley starts to talk as if the voices in her head are all now arguing with each other. During her one on one time with Chris, she is staring off into space and suggests hide and seek but then cannot decide who should hide and who should seek...Ashley there are only 2 of you it should not be that difficult. Ashley absolutely talks in non-sequiturs. While Chris is doing his private stand ups talking about Ashley she interrupts it to talk to him and while he tries to talk to her she spaces out. She tells him “you don’t want to lose the whole world...but actually you don’t want to gain the whole world.” At one point Ashley gets on all 4s to talk to a cat, I wish I was using hyperbole. 
Britt gets a note from Chris that says “free kiss from Chris” she of course kisses him, now 4 so far (Do not forget that Chris was the secret admirer note writer on Andi’s season). The bonus for all the ladies on this date is that no matter what they say, none of them will say anything as remotely crazy as Ashley. Kaitlyn gets the group date rose; Britt’s face says “we just kissed”. 
Rose Ceremony/Cocktail party
Chris at least unlike some prior Bachelors and Bachelorettes does not try to pretend that he does not drink. 
A girl reveals that she is a virgin; another girl tells her that Chris will love that about her (this is how you end up having a kid at 21 and leaving him to go on TV). She does not tell Chris that she is a virgin but she does offer him 3 wishes and the first wish that Chris uses is to kiss her that’s 5 so far. Their make out sesh is the type that usually leads to phrases of “just the tip, come on just the tip, that will not count”. Amber the black girl tells Chris that she wants to kiss him so of course he obliges that’s 6. She then tells Jordan (who claims 24 but if she is 24 that is a HARD 24, that is the type of 24 that should cause me to swear off booze forever – it won’t) who immediately yells that she wants to kiss Chris. Jordan then interrupts another girls date and blatantly tries to give Chris kissing hints he blatantly returns the “oh hell no” hints, she then makes it awkward and thus gets no kiss. When she rewatches this, she is going to realize that she is the only girl who tried to get a kiss and failed...that will crush her, if the bottle she is holding at the time allows her to comprehend what she is watching. 
We have that moment that we seem to have in every season now, where a girl hears the wrong name and tries to come forward, Jillian is that girl and in her attempt to stop from going towards Chris when the mistake is realized tries to stop her forward momentum but looks like a baby deer on ice (someone must have a gif of that)
Ashley S gets the final rose and many of the girls look stunned and pissed, this feels like a producers’ pick, the ole “hey this girl is drama, keep her another week” suggestion to Chris. 
The girl that got the second chance gets booted again on the 2nd go around. Tonight’s blooper has Jordan passed out on the couch sleeping while all the girls around her are screaming about the date card...she might have a bit of a drinking problem. 
Ratchety behavior in this episode a mere 6 on the 10 scale…points for kissing after seeing him tongue bathe the inside of another girl’s mouth; black barred bikini; helmet into wall; and, all of the crazy associated with Ashley S.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.